Friends and citizens of Jimtown.—It is useless for me to attempt to tell
you what kind of a man Harry Walton is and that he is the right man for the Mayor, for no doubt you all know him as
well as I. In fact, we have watched him grow from boyhood.
His honesty, integrity, and efficiency make him the logical man for the office, and it is the solemn duty of each and every citizen of Jimtown to vote for him, for he's all right.
What's the matter with Harry Walton?
He's all right!
Who's all right?
Father, your speech was brief but to the point, and you are right. Harry is the man.
Well, daughter, no doubt some may say that my efforts in his behalf are prompted by the fact that he is to become my son-in-law, but my only motive is to see the right man in the right place.
And Harry is the right man.
Well
Oh, Father!
Oh, did I tell on you?
Oh, I see after Harry is elected there seems to be a certainty that there is going to be a little wedding.
Oh, no, Ruth.
Oh,
that's all right. I have known it right along. But—(very independently) none of that wedding stuff for me, kid.
Why not, Ruth?
Because I'm simply too full of jazz.
I want to see you.
What I want to explain to you is—that simply because I happen to be working for Jenkins and Peck in that grocery store—ain't no sign that I got to vote for neither of them.
What can I do about that?
Just a moment, Harry. Possibly I can enlighten the gentleman.
I hope you can.
Proceed with the illumination.
A vote, my friend, is every citizen's sacred right and should be cast conscientiously using, of course, your best judgment as to the man who stands for the best principle.
Exactly.
And for the one that we feels is to benefit us the most.
Why certainly.
Why of course I heard that.
Well, I figgers that for $5.00 you is the best man.
What do you mean?
Well to make it plain, if you give me $5.00, I knows you is the best man. Therefore, I votes for you. You can't beat that.
I don't care for your kind of a vote. Thank you.
I done asked that man for too much money. I can see dat right now.
Harry, how is the election coming along?
Glad to say it is coming along quite well.
That's fine and dandy. My boy, it behooves you to win, for if you are beaten by either of those ignoramuses, Steve Jenkins or Sam Peck, who would run our town just as they run their grocery store, I shall never consent to you becoming my son-in-law.
Why, Mr. Williams!
That's final.
—Harry, you can't lose. Jenkins or Peck beating you, why the idea is absurd.
I know, Jessie, but suppose . . .
Good morning, Mrs. Peck.
Good morning.
Have you any influence over your husband at all?
Why, of course. I am his wife.
Why don't you get him to withdraw from this race then?
I will have him withdraw only on one condition.
And what's that?
And that is if Steve Jenkins does.
Now ain't that ridiculous? Steve Jenkins was nominated by the political machine, and your husband Sam Peck is running on an independent ticket. Can you beat that? An independent ticket.
Oh, well my husband was always independent.
Well, I know, but it looks to me that he would help Steve Jenkins to win inasmuch as they are partners in Jimtown's most prosperous store.
No, jest "store." Not "prosperous."
Well, can't you see he is only splitting the ticket, and he hasn't got a chance to win? So why don't you get him to give up?
I don't want him to give up.
And why not?
Because if he is elected, then I would be the First Lady of the town.
Oh, I thought there was a catch to it. Well, don't worry. He will never be elected.
And why not?
Because Tom Sharper is the political boss of Jimtown, and my candidate, Steve Jenkins, will be the next Mayor.
—Never. You have asked me two or three times to have my husband withdraw, but I'll wager you never asked Mr. Walton to do so.
Oh, that lovesick bird. He is the least of my worries.
I suppose so.
Good morning, Sister Peck.
Good morning, Uncle Ned.
You sure looks like a flapper this morning.
Good morning, Uncle Ned. How are you feeling this morning?
Oh, jes' tol'ble.—Jes' tol'ble.
I'm glad to hear that. How are you figuring on voting?
Well, not for Steve Jenkins or Sam Peck.
. Sam Peck is out of the question. But why not for Steve Jenkins?
'Cos every time I goes into dat grocery store, one of dem low-lifed rascals tries to rob me. Dey ain't got no chance of gitting elected nohow. No more chance den a one-legged man has in a kicking match and someone done stole bof' his crutches.
Well now, Uncle Ned, I am really sorry to hear you say that, because I figured
that an old village patriot of your standing, your vote would be worth just a
brand new $10 bill.
Oh, dat's diff'rent
That's what I thought.
Whyn't you axe me dat at first?
Don't forget now. Steve Jenkins to win.
Fergit?
What's the matter now?
Take dis here money right straight back, boy. I never sold a vote in my life. I come up in dem good old bandana days when honesty was the best policy.
Bandana days?
Dat's what I said.
I don't want to hear dat now.
I'm a man what knows everything. You ain't got no business being no Mayor, and you knows you ain't. What you talking about, being Mayors—?
I got jes' as much right to be Mayors of Jimtown as you is—and—mucher 'fers that's recerned. What you talkin' 'bout, I ain't got no right to be Mayors of Jimtown?
It takes brains to be a Mayor. You ain't got
brains enough to have a decent headache. You jes' runnin' against me 'cos you
jealous of me—dat's all you is. Me en' you runnin' a grocery store
togeder, too. Minute you think I got a chance of gitting elected, you splits
the ticket. Dat's what I git fer taking you in the grocery store as my partner.
Ought never to have taken you in der in the first place.
You ain't put no more into it.
Well, I mout a good deal more.
No you ain't out.
Yes, I mout. (loudly)—Don't tell me I moutn't. But when it comes to
politics, that's where the friendship ceases, right der and den. And den here's
another thing.—I ain't gwine to let you run for Mayors of Jimtown, and I
be's the common folks. So git dat right out of yo' haid while you is at it.
There you goes talkin' like dat. I tol' you when I first started runnin'—I sez,—Sam, if I gits elected Mayors of Jimtown, I'm gwine to make you the Vice Mayor.
Sure, it's a good job for you.
Why don't you offer me a job that amounts to something? The Governor of the County or something like dat. What kin I do with the Vice Mayor's job?
To show you dat you ain't got no business bein' nothing. You ain't even voted for yourself yet.
I can't vote for myself.
Anybody what's runnin' for de office kin vote for derself.
No dey can't.
Don't tell me dey can't—for I done voted for myself fo' times dis mornin'.
Yeh, but I is placed in a ver' reculiar redition. I is a Republican runnin' on de Independent ticket, and I ain't gwine vote aginst the Old Party.
Steve, I've been looking all over town for you to make a speech. You need every vote you can get, so make a good one.
Go ahead, Tom, reduce me. Reduce me.
Fellow citizens, I take great pleasure in introducing to you Mr. Steve Jenkins, the people's candidate for mayor. Hear ye him!
And hear ye me. I is runnin' jes' as well as he is, and I is the bes' man.
That's right. That's right.
Here we is. Take your choice.
Ladies—Gentlemenses—Peopleses—and Folkses—
You ain't left out nobody. I'll give you credit for dat.
Go ahead, Steve, don't pay any attention to him.
As I stand befo' you, gazin' into each and every one of yo' eyes, the question
that rizzes in my mind is: What do
you think of me?—
Don't tell him.
Don't tell him??????
No, don't tell him.
Can you imagine that guy, disturbing this
crowd?
Oh, this is anybody's crowd. Go lay down.
I may not be bedecked with jewels and diamonds rare—
You is not.
I may not wear watches and chains—but I have worn—
Balls and chains.
Ladies, gentlemenses, folkses, and peopleses—When I first entered this race for Mayors of Jimtown, I had not the least redea—
That's language.
—that there was a dark horse in the race.
Surprised I was, I must say, ver' much heap surprised I was when I found dat dat dark horse was my own business parter.
Well, I maght be de dark horse, but you
Get down to the point, Steve.
F'rinstance,—look at the redition of your city today. I say look at the redition of Jimtown today. We have no lextrive lights here.
You said it, Steve.
Statistics
Oh, dey ain't been never none here.
And dey wahn't any here befo' den, neither. What we need is lextrive lights.
Plenty of them.
Look how dark it is here o' night?
Who?—Oh.
What you all looking at me for?
So dark here o' nights that if you light one match you got to light another one to see if the first one is lit. Make me your Mayor,—
How about it boys?
I'll see dat everybody in Jimtown gits lit up. I'll do more den dat—I'll see dats you all gits 'lectrocuted!
What's the matter now? Don't pay any attention to Sam, Steve. Let him go.
You make the speech, Tom.
Oh, I can't make—
Ain't you a fine candidate for Mayor? I spend one half the morning trying to get that crowd together and the other half walking them up one street and down the other to find you to make a speech, and when you get to the most important part of it, you do a bonehead trick like that.
Looka here, Tom, I wonder if dat was baked or fricasee'd chicken what he had on dat tray. Did you notice?
Listen here, Steve, do you know this is Election Day and you are running for Mayor? Do you realize that?
'Course I know. What you always asking me dat for?
Because at the last minute you followed a tray full of food round here and lose those votes when I told you you needed them.
Looka here, Tom. Ain't Sam runnin' for Mayor same as I is? Didn't he follow dat man same as I did? What you talking about?
I know, but you can't compare yourself to Sam.
How come I can't? We're partners runnin' a grocery store together, ain't we?
I know, but Sam is spending twice as much money in this election as you—
Spending twice as much money???
Yes, and he's away ahead of you.
I wonder where he's gittin' the money from??
Didn't you just say that you and Sam were partners in the same grocery store?
—Yes, and that's jes' what I am thinking 'bout, too. We're partners.
And your profits are the same?
Well, dey ought to be. Mebbe dey ain't.
Yet you wonder why he's got twice as much money to spend as you?
See here, Tom, you don't mean Sam is stealing from me. Do you?
Yes. That's just what he is doing, and he has been stealing from you ever since you have been in business with him.
I have taken matters in my own hand.
Well I'm glad of dat, 'cos you kin catch him. I can't. You is slicker den I is.
Quite right. I have sent to New York for Keeneye, that great colored detective. You jes' leave Sam to me. I'll fix him.
No, no. If you done sent for a retective, you is gwine to fix me. Dat's what you're gwine to do.
I understands better 'n you do. You is the man what don't understand. I understands flooencly myself.
Ain't there stealing going on in the store?
Y–e–s, and he'll come down here and catch the wrong stealer. That man ain't gwine to come down here and jes' watch Sam. He is gwine to lock up the first man he catches stealin'.
Why, of course.
Well, I can't take no chances like dat, Tom.
You can't???
No, no, no.
Say, listen Steve, I am hiring this detective to watch Sam, not to watch you.
Oh, he is gwine to watch the man what you wants him to watch.
Why, of course. Ain't he our detective? But listen, its going to take plenty of money to do this thing.
Well, if he comes down here and watches Sam and keeps his eyes off me, you can have all the money you want.
Fine. That's all I want to hear you say.
All I want you to do is to git me elected, and if you do, I'm gwine to dance at your wedding.
And there's going to be a wedding, just as soon as you are elected.
Looka here, Tom. Who are you gwine to marry?
Why, Emaline!
Who's she?
How dare you give me an argument?
Now, honey, listen. I knows what I'm doing.
Never mind, I don't want you to stand around talking to these girls.
I got to talk to the women-folkses in order to get their votes. Ain't I?
I'll solicit the women's votes. You get the men's.
No, if I can't talk to de women-folkses, den I'se sorry that I'se runnin' for de office.
Well, I'm not. Because if you are elected, then I can run the town.
If I'm elected, you kin run the town??
Of course! Ain't you my husband?
Yeh, I'm your husband.
Well, ain't I yo' boss??
My boss???
Ain't I? Ain't I??
Yeh!
Well, if you run the city and I run you, don't that make me run everything?
Den all de power that I gits, dat jes' adds to yo' power.
Imagine me the leading light of the city, running things to suit myself. Why, the first law I'll pass will be to close up Jim Green's Bevo parlour.
Oh, he's making too much money, and his wife is wearing such fine clothes, why
she's snubbing everybody. But, you wait. My time is coming. I'll show her. I'll
fix her. I'll show her.
Yeh, but I ain't elected yet—and Steve, he's gittin' jes' as many votes as I is.
Well, you know why? 'Cause he's buying them, and you know where he's getting the money from: right out of the cash register in your store.
Out of the cash register????
Why, of course.
You mean he's stealin' the money.
He has been stealing from you ever since you have been in business with him—
Is that so????
Yes. But he is through stealing now.
When did he die?
Sam,—
Yeh?—
I forgot to tell you—
Yeh, go ahead—
I sent to New York for that great colored detective.
No, no, honey.
Yes, dear, Keeneye is his name, and he's wonderful. He's wonderful, dear.
No. We don't need no retective hanging 'round dat store.
He's stealing from you. Isn't he?
Dat's all right. I'll catch him.
Well, shouldn't he be watched?
Honey, let the man stay in New York. Now I knows what I'm talkin' "bout.
Oh, well now, never mind. I have sent for him, and he'll be here today. So you keep a lookout for him, and for heaven's sakes, keep your mouth shut.
Say, Sam, come on down here to the corner where there are a lot of men. We can get some votes down there.
I'll be with you all in jes' a minute.
You go on down there, honey, and get them all together, and I'll be there in jes' a minute.
Is that so? I think you'll go this minute. Sam! Sam!
Yes, yes. I'se comin'—
Good morning, Onions.
Yes, but dat ain't none of your business. You ain't no time-keeper here. You is the porter in dis store.
Yessir. You is right.
You learn dat, and don't tell me about me bein' late no more.
Yessir, rescuse me.
Never mind the rescusing. Jes' don't done it no more.
Ahem!
Dey ain't no use of you dustin'. You ain't swept up here dis monin'.
I jes' got here.
You didn't reliver them goods to Miss Jones, neither, did you?
I ain't had my breakfast yet.
You ain't carried dat barrel downstairs, neither, is you?
I was out voting.
You gwine to keep on working like dat until one of dese days the police is gwine to come in here and arrest you for vagrancy. Go on, carry dat barrel downstairs, and hurry up. You is lazy, dat's what's the matter wid you. The more we pay you, the less you work. Got to quit paying you, and you'll work better.
Never see the man what was as lazy as you is.
I am in a hurry. I would like to get waited on.
Sam, there's a customer.
Well, wait on him.
I waited on the last customer what come in here.
I waited on the last customer myself.
Don't tell me. I waited on the last customer.
I knows who I waits on and whose I don't. What's the matter wid you? You must be losing your mind, ain't you? What do you think I am in de store for if I don't knows who I waits on. You make a man mad wid arguing like dat.—What was the last thing what was sold in here, anyhow?
Huh?
I say, what was the last thing that was sold in here?
Dat shows what you know about it. We didn't have the last thing what was sold in here.
Well I jes' lit my pipe, and I ain't gwine to quit smoking to wait on nobody.
I jes' got here, and I'm tired. Look here, what do you want anyhow, mister?
I want five pounds of meal.
You want what?
Five pounds of meal.
Go on behind dat counter there.
Yes,—and a man what comes in here and wants all the waiting-on he wants ought to come in when we're standing up.
Sam, do you think he got five pounds all right?
Well, he ain't missed it much.
You better weigh dat meal, mister. You'll find
de scales over der. I said de
scales are over der. No, not up der. You is the dummest
customer ever I saw in my life.
I ain't never seen the man as dum as what you is.
Five pounds exactly.
Well, all you got to do is pay for it.
Well, I was going to pay for it.
If you take it out of here, you gwine to pay for it.
Very well. Here is your money.
What you got?
Dollar bill.
Dollar bill?
Yessir.
Ain't you got no change?
No.
No change at all?
No.
Say, bring that cash register over here.
What do you think I am?
You want to pay for it, don't you?
Yes, but I'm not the porter 'round here.
Sam, keep down the argument. Make change for the gentleman.
Come here, son.—What'd you git?
Five pounds of meal.
Ahem! Five pounds of meal. Hit 20" on the register. Git out your change. Got it? Now leave your name and address in case the register is short when we checks up tonight.
These customers are gitting as lazy as they kin be.
O jes' don't pay any attention to them.
Right here, lady, right here. Now sit down, Sam, you wanted to smoke.
No. Now you jes' got through waiting on the last customer what come in here.
Dat's all right. I kin wait on 'em all.
No you can't wait on 'em all.
How come I can't? It is as much my store as it is yours.
Yeh, it's as much my store as it is yourn, too.
What'll you have, lady?
A large sack of flour.
Onions. Bring a basket. We'll give her the
best meal in the house.
Don't result the customer like dat. We'll reliver the goods.
Yeh, we'll reliver the goods.
Can't you send it C.O.D.?
Send it who?
C.O.D.?
Oh, he ain't working here no more. I'll take it up der myself if you say so.
Very well, here's my card. Take it to this address.
I'll be right there, lady, jes' as quick as I can.
Put the basket down, Onions.
Ain't I working here no more?
Yeh, you is working here.
That's what I thought.
Yeh, but you go down-cellar and bring up a
barrel of molasses.
Just a minute Steve. What are you going to do now?
A lady jes' came in here and bought this flour, and I'm gwine to take it up to de house.
I ain't gwine to let him take it up.
Can you beat that? You, the candidate for Mayor, to be seen on Election Day with a basket in your hand.
Yeh, but you ain't seen the lady.
I could have been up der wid it while you is arguin'.
Onions!—Onions!
Yeh. Reliver the goods to the lady. Hurry up. She is waiting for dem.
Look here, the goods you jes' told me to put down there?
Yeh, yeh. Will you reliver dem goods, or will you won't?
I'll be with you in jes' a minute, honey.
Has Keeneye arrived yet?
No. That retective hasn't come here yet, and you said he was gwine to be here dis morning.
Positively said he would be here today. Say, I got to have some more money.
I can't git to it right now.
Ain't this your store??
Has Keeneye arrived yet?
No, he hasn't 'rived as yet.
Well keep a lookout for him. He will be here within the hour.
Oh, if he gits here, I'll see him.
I'm going downtown to do a little shopping. Be home early, won't you dear?
Yeh, honey.
Hello!—Hello!
Say, I want you to buy some votes with dat money. Do you hear?
You don't doubt me? Do you?
Well, I can't say that I doubts you, but as much money as I done give you, I ought to be elected four times before now.
Now listen here, Steve. To prove to you that I'm on the level, I am going to take you right around the corner and let you see me spend every cent of this money in your interest. Now, you can't beat that, can you?
And to shows you that I trusts you—
All right . . .
I'm gwine wid you.—Sam, I'm gwine 'round the polls here wid Tom.
Go ahead.
When I gits back, I wants to find some of the store here. I know I ain't gwine to find it all, but be as easy wid me as you kin. You know, jes' leave 'nough 'round here so as I'll know where de place was anyhow.
And while you is out, better go 'round to the telephone people here. I couldn't git dis last number. I expects we owe dem a little something.
You carried the last money 'round der yourself. Didn't you?
Sure.
Well, I knows we owes 'em den.
—Good morning.
Good morning.
Whom have I the pleasure of addressing?
Well, you is talking to Sam Peck, one of the owners of the store here, and I am also runnin' for de Mayor of de town. What kin I do for you?
My card.
Oh yes. You is the retective that my wife sent for?
Yes. I received Mrs. Peck's letter, so here I am on de grounds ready fer business.
And you is on the right grounds, 'cos all de stealin' dat is gwine on, is gwine on right in here, and what me and my wife wants you to do is to jes' catch my partner stealin'. Catch him wid de goods on him so that I kin rescuse him.
I suppose he is in your way.
Well relittically speakin'—yes.
You know, Mr. Peck, it is always customary to pay something in advance in all professional engagements of this kind.
Yes, naturally I knows dat. Now, how much does you want for dis case.
As this is a very important case, I should judge about $100 ought to take care of it.
$100 ought to take care of you and de case!
Well, that is very reasonable, sir.
Yes, you is right. And it is worth every penny of it if you catch my partner stealin'.
Worth every penny of it.
It must be stopped.
It's got to be stopped. Man can't run no business
like dat.
$100, sir.
Here you is. Now you understands everything, so jes' go ahead and catch my partner.
Oh, I got you, old boy.
No, not me. Catch my partner. I knows I'm stealin'. I didn't send for you to tell me dat.
Sam, I stopped next door over to the telephone company—
Good, now I kin get dat number.
Yeh—and dey tol' me to tell you dat before you tries to call up, to call 'round.
Good morning. Mr. Jenkins, I presume.
Yes, Jenkins is my name.
I was telling your partner that I represent the cashmere people in Chicago.
Is dat so? I'm sure glad to hear dat.
I am expecting a consignment of goods in a few days and hope to do business with you.
Sure, bring your goods up here and lemme look at dem.
I'm gwine 'round to de post office here. I'll be right back.
Yes. Stay as long as you like,
Sam. Wait for de last mail while you is at it. (to detective) Say, rescuse me jes' a minute.
Now, Mr. Cashmere, I can talk wid you about dem goods, 'cos I heard dat you all had some very good goods.
My card.
Quite warm?
I hope it gits no warmer.
Say, you didn't see Sam come back in here, did you?
No, I didn't.
You ain't wid de cashmere people of Chicago like you said, is you?
No. I just said that to throw your partner off.
I'm sure glad he don't know who you is, 'cos you never would catch him if he did. You know he is kind of sly.
I received Tom Sharper's letter, so here I am on the grounds, ready for business.
All I want you to do is to stop all money from gwine out of here dat I don't carry wid me.
You will have to pay something in advance in this case.
I knows dat was coming. Now how much do you want in dis case?
Well $50 to start with.
$50 to start with?? How much is it gwine to stop you?? Dat's what I want to
know.
I'm looking at you.
But that ain't none of your business. You are not here to watch me. You are here to watch my partner. $50 did you say?
$50, sir.
Well, here's two brand-new $25 bills. All I want you to do is to catch my partner stealing.
I'll catch him. I never failed.
Got almost down there to dat post office, and clear forgot my letter.
Sam. Is
dat where you keep your mail all de time now?
Dat was a ver' reportant letter, and I thought I would leave it in a safe place.
Yeh, but dat letter was so reportant dat it done turn to dollars since you put it in der.
Turn to dollars??? What you talkin' 'bout??
Is I right or wrong? Dat's all I want to know.
You is right. Reachin' in der right quick, I
thought I had the letter.
Yeh, yeh.
Now you ain't got no place to go. Is you?
Well, gentlemen, you will have to excuse me. I am going down to see about that consignment of goods.
Yes, yes. Don't be gone long.
Sam, I am gwine to tell you something. You better learn one thing and learn it quick.
This here cash register is beginning to be a regular main thoroughfare. I'm gwine to pass some laws 'round here—
—O-N-I-O-N-S, come 'way from dat safe.
I was just dusting it off, sir.
Doing what?
D-u-s-t-i-n-g it off.
You'll be dustin' it out in a minute. Come 'way from der, anyhow.
There's gwine to be passed some new laws 'round here. From now on, anybody what gits anything in here, dey got to pay cash for it—
From now on??
—That goes for everybody. If Sam's wife gits anything here—she got to pay cash for it—
—Yeh, and dem li'l things you been carryin' out of here, you leave some change here for dem. Do you hear?? If I catch you letting anybody take anything out of here on credicks,—out you go!
From now on??
No, you is gwine den.
Sam, I was down to the polls, and Harry Walton ain't got a chance in the world to win dis election.
Oh, I knows dat.
Either me or you is sure gwine to win—
'Course we is.
—And I was thinkin', if I wins, I'm gwine to make you the Chief of Police—dat's providing you wins, it you gwine to make me the Chief of Police.
You can resider yourself 'pinted.
What you talkin' 'bout??
Onions, from now on, don't you dust anything but dem scales over der.—I'm the man what's gwine to win dis election.
What will you bet?
If you wins, I'll ride you all over town on my back like any other horse.
If you wins, I'll ride you all over town on mine.
Is dat a bet?
Sure is.
Come on. Let's shake hands, 'cos I'se sure gwine to win.
Onions, I want a large box of baking powder.
A large box of baking powder. Now let me see. A small box wouldn't do??
No, I want a large box.
Oh, yes, der you is. Now wrap it right up.
Why don't you wrap it up?? Do you expect me to go through the streets—?
Help yourself, madam.
Wait a minute. Jes' a moment.
What is the matter with you??
I must have the money for the baking powder.
Why, the perfect idea??? You surely don't know who I am?
I don't care who you is.
This is exasperating.
Do tell.
He wants me to pay for this baking powder.
Oh, well, honey. Der has been some new rules passed since you been in here.
Yes, but ain't this your store?
No,
ma'am, this is our store.
Say, Sam, I haven't any money.
There you is. Go on and pay for de goods. Do business right.
Yes, pretty well, thank you.
My change please?
I gave you $10.
$10???
You is right. You is right.
Onions, Onions, dat ain't no typewriter.
>Sam! Sam! Put dat back.
Well, put dat back?
Get to putting.
Steve, old boy, the next Mayor of Jimtown!
I knows I was gwine to git elected! I knowd it. I knowd it.
Accept my congratulations, old boy.
Sorry you lost, Harry. Glad I won. Come on, Sam, ride me all over town on your back.
No use talking—
Why didn't you start dancing with me?
Because I told you to shimmy. You turned around and did the cootie.
Good morning, officer. When did you get out of jail? Say, look here. How much you gets a week for dis job? Dat's what I would like to know.
Shuffle along.
Well, Miss Williams, tomorrow Steve Jenkins takes his chair as the Mayor of Jimtown. My candidate. Oh, but by the way, I heard that your father objected to your marrying Harry inasmuch as he lost in the election, and I am truly sorry for that indeed.
Well, that will never make any difference with Harry and me.
And I hope not.
Never in the least.
That's fine.
Here's what I wants to know: Who got elected Mayor, me or you all?
You got elected, of course—but we elected you.
And I'm going to run the town, too. I don't care who elected me. I ain't been augmented yet. Wait until I take my seat tomorrow. I'm gwine to show you how to run the town.
Don't forget your promises.
What did I promise you?
You promised to make me the Tax Collector.
Who?
The Tax Collector?
What's dat? Dat's the man what handles all de money, ain't it?
Of course.
Well, there ain't nobody gwine to handle money in dis town from now on, but me!
How come?
I'm the Mayor. I handles all de money.
Look here, Steve, what you figgers on making me?
Since when?
What you figgers on makin' me?
Just what you is—nothing.
Steve, I want a job keeping the streets clean.
Want a job doing what???
Keeping the streets clean.
Well, stay off of dem, then.
Wait a minute, Sam.
I'm trainin' for the Chief of Police.
Who?
The Chief of Police.
Where?
Here in Jimtown.
Whose gwine to appoint you?
You is.
Is I?
Now wait a minute. Don't you remember der in the grocery store jes' before the election? You said if you was elected Mayor, you was gwine to appoint me the Chief of Police. Don't you remember dat?
Oh, I said dat before I was elected.
Der you is.
If you ain't got no better sense den to pay any attention to dem election promises, you ain't got sense enough to be no Chief of Police. I'll tell you now.
So that be's the case?
Dat am the case. You ain't gwine to be nothing here in Jimtown.
Is I fit?
You bet your life you're fit.
Can I whip anybody here?
You can beat anybody in the bunch.
No one is resepted.
You can lick anyone that's over there.
I'm gwine to leave here—
Oh, stick around—
You is gwine to fight me for the job, is dat it?
Well, if the job is worth me having, it's worth me fighting for.
Well, if you whips me, den I'm gwine to make you the Chief of Police.
You don't have to worry about dat. If I whips
you, I'm gwine to be the Chief of
Police.
Well, you better send word home dat you ain't gwine to be der for dinner. I'm gwine to arrange for you to pass right on by yo' door.
Well, you knows I'm a man that was born wid boxing gloves on.
That's the boy.
And it sure looks like you gwine to die dat same way.
Yeh.
Let's go.
Say, what do you think this is, a reading room? Look at this office.
Well look at it, you ain't blind.
Now, listen. Let me tell you something. You better get to dusting and dusting quick.
Why?
Because if you don't, when the Mayor arrives, I will see that you get your walking papers.
You don't have to tell me when to work, because I knows just when I wants to work.
Well, get to work.
See here, young man, do you mean to tell me that this Steve Jenkins is the type of a man that you advocate for the Mayor of Jimtown?
Mr. Williams,—
Well, I'm surprised! A man with your standing . . .
Now, Mr. Williams,—
Oh, dry up, young man. Dry right up. Don't you
try to tell me my business. I'm one of the oldest citizens of Jimtown, a
taxpayer, and have a perfect right to know why the city's money is being so
foolishly spent. Who in the world ever heard of a city paying for the Mayor's
valet? What right have we to pay for these five stenographers? And look at this
office. Look at this office! look like a
Mayor's office? I should say not. It looks like some old woman's home!
But, you must admit, Mr. Williams, that the Mayor has some very beautiful stenographers.
Beautiful
and minus ability. Why, every one of them would have to have their fingers cut
off before they could write shorthand. Steve Jenkins, a Mayor. He's no Mayor.
He's a nightmare. See here, he hasn't been elected Mayor three days when he's
bought an automobile, engaged six chauffeurs, and we, we, the city have got to pay for it.
I don't blame you, Mr. Williams, for thinking that way. The whole election is a fraud. At the right time and at the right place I will prove to the whole of Jimtown that Harry Walton is the rightful mayor.
You will
prove it? And who are you?
>Oh, I see.
My position here is a very peculiar one. Tom Sharper hired me to watch Sam Peck. Mrs. Peck hired me to watch Steve Jenkins. And when I got here, I found them robbing each other, and worst of all, my best friend Harry Walton being cheated.
Cheated?
Yes, cheated. As I said before, at the right time and at the right place I will expose all. For the present, we better not be seen together. I would advise that you leave the office at once and leave everything in my hands.
I
guess you are right, Mr. Penrose, for I don't care to come in contact with
Steve Jenkins to begin with. Steve Jenkins, the Mayor of Jimtown! Some joke.
Good morning, Miss Secretary.
Good morning, sir.
Is the Mayor in?
No, sir, not yet. May I take your name?
No, thank you. I'll call later.
Very well, sir.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Attention, his Honor the Mayor of Jimtown.
What you waitin' on?
The hat.
Reach up der and get it.
>At ease, ladies. At ease.—Secretary!
Oh, yes, sir, your honor.
Secretary!
Oh, yes, sir, your honor.
Any mail for the Mayor this morning?
Oh, yes, sir, and there's one very important letter this morning.
Important letter?
Oh, yes, sir, your honor.
Who is if from?
From the President.
Who?
The President.
Oh, you mean Warren. Yes, yes, yes. What did he have to say?
He wants to make a speech here one night next week.
Wants to make a speech here one night next week??
Yes, your honor.
Now, let me see. Next week's my busy week. I can't see him.—Any more mail?
Oh, yes, sir. There's a lot of mail this morning.
Did you read it yet?
Not yet, sir.
That's strange. Take the stenographers to the next office. Have them answer it. The Mayor don't care to be resturbed.
Attention.
>Forward march. Halt. Right flank march.
Yes, sir.
Bring me that chair.
Now, you will find the chair right over there.
I
knows where it is. I want you to go where it is and bring it where I
is. You understand? Bring the chair here.
Now be went. Get to wenting.
Chief of Police to see you, sir.
Huh?
Chief of Police to see you.
Chief of Police to see me?
Yes, sir.
Did he have any papers in his hand?
Yes, sir.
Did you tell him I was here?
Yes, sir.
What
did you want to do that for? You had no business telling that Chief of Police I
was here. Why didn't you come in here and axe me if I was here or not?
Yes sir.
He's liable to be 'round at the back door now. I don't know how to get out of here. What did you want to tell him I was here for anyhow?
He said he wanted to see the Mayor.
Said he wanted to see who?
The Mayor????????
I'm the Mayor, ain't I??
Yes, sir.
Tell him to come in here. What do I care anyhow?
This way, officer. His Honor the Mayor.
Well, well, it dooz me proud, it dooz me proud.
Make yourself right at home, Sam.
Now, how is you runnin' things on the inside here?
Oh, man, I'm the mayorest Mayor that ever mayored anywhere. Make yourself right at home, Sam. That's all you got to do. Go ahead and make yourself right at home.
Don't worry about me. I'm all right.
Der
ain't nothing in here you kin steal. I got these typewriters all counted.
Yes?
Is you arrested anybody yet?
Now that's what I come down here to see you about.
How come you got to come down here to see me about it?
Well, you will either have to make room in this office for the rest of the prisoners or build me some more rooms to the jail.
Jail all filled up already?
There ain't room enough down there for another man no matter how small he may be.
I didn't know there was dat many criminals in town.
Well, this ain't exactly a matter of criminals. You knows I gits fifty cents a head for every man I locks up.
Well, there's one man I will give you fifty dollars if you lock him up—that's that Slippery Jim. He's the worst man in town.
Oh, he's a bad character, no doubt.
He's so
bad, I'm scared to pass a law against him.
And I made up my mind yesterday to lock him up.
You made up your mind—?
Yes, yes.
—Dat's 'bout as fer as you got, too,—to make up your mind.
And for three solid hours yesterday, I was chasing him.
Didn't he catch you?
I was chasing him.
I just wanted to know if you was the party of the first part or not.
No, I was the recessory after the crime. You see, in the first place, I chased him everywhere.
Chased him everywhere?
And
then I chased him everywhere else. For three solid hours yesterday, me and
Slippery Jim was just like this here
Is dat a fact?
Yes.
What do you know about dat?
And finally he tripped up and fell right in front of me.
Fell in front of you???????
Right in front of me.
There was your chance right then. When he fell, that was your chance.
And I knowed it. And I said to myself, "I'm gwine to unveil myself of this retunity."
Yeh, yeh.
And just as I reached over der to get him,—
Just as you were gwine to get him,—
Just as I reached over there to get him, a black cat run right 'twixt us, and I had to turn around and come back.
I'm gwine to pass a law to get rid of all the black cats right now.
There you is!
Black cats is bad luck anyhow.
Course they is.
Whenever they commence conferring with the law, they got to go. Dat's all.
There you is.
A black cat run right 'twixt you and duty.
Ain't done nothing else.
Here's the first law I'm gwine to pass since I've been the Mayor. "Black cats must go." "Black c c c c . . ." Say, look here, Sam, how do you spell "cat" anyhow?
What do you mean? One of dem jes' plain, everyday, walkin' 'round cats?
No, jes' "cat." Any kind of a cat. I don't care what kind of a cat it is. Spell the easiest one. You can't pass a law unless you kin spell "cat." You know dat, don't you?
Lemme see now,—"cat."
Looks like to me anybody ought-to-could spell "cat."
Well, if dey kin spell anything at all, dey kin spell "cat."
Der ain't but six letters in it.
Is you sure of dat?
Well, I bet my money der ain't over six. I know dat.
Well, I kin bring dat down to five 'cos I knows the "l" is silent, so dat leaves you only five letters for to deal wid.
Yes, but I got to know what dey is and how to rotine dem.
Dat's right, too. Well, I've been away from my 'rithmestic so long, I'm a little rusty on it now.
Ha! Ha! I got it. You can't stick the Mayor you know.
Course you can't.
You know what I'm gwine to do?
What's dat?
I'll draw one.
Well, dat's all right. You kin read your own writin'.
No, I guess I better call them stenographers in here and let them write dat law out. I'll let dem go to dinner, though, first.
Sure.
This way.
>Now you all been so smart today, and to show you that I appreciates it, I'm gwine to let you go to dinner.
Oh, that's lovely.
I'm gwine to give you five minutes, and I want you back in four. So resider yourself rescused.
Come on, girls.
Heah, heah! What kind of a way is dat for you all to leave the presence of the Mayor? How often have I told you, whenever you leave the Mayor's office, you wants to slam the Mayor. I'm the Mayor, you know. I got to be slammed.
You might as well learn dis now as to learn it later on, 'cos you got to do it every day here. Whenever you all is—
Sam, . . .
Wait 'till I git 'em told.
Whenever you all is—
,—you is
the same as dem, so come on down wid 'em. Dey ain't but one power. I'm it.
Now,
here, lemme tell you something. You got to make some amendments to dat order.
The next time dat I slams you, it is gwine to be wid dis. Now don't let dat
li'l job git you all recited.
I was jes' thinkin', Sam. In gitting rid of dem cats, how we gwine to do it? Shoot 'em?
Well, dat's 'bout as good a way as any, I guess.
You'll have to lemme see your gun, 'cos I got to draw that, too.
You didn't have to stand no kind of an examination to get dis job. Did you?
I got to see your gun anyhow, ain't I? The city furnishes you wid de gun, don't it?
Yeh.
Well, it's the duty of the Mayor to suspect it.
Oh, de gun's all right.
I know. But I got to know it's all right so I kin report to de Board of Aldermen that de gun's all right.
Jes' go ahead and report to de Board of Aldermen dat Chief of Police's gun's all right.
I know, Sam. But I got to know it's all right.
Dat's jes' what I'm telling you. The gun's all right.
How do you know it is?
Well I got $20 on it in pawn.
Some gentlemen from New York to see you, sir.
Some gentlemen from where?
New York.
Where's dat??
I dunno. Dat ain't on my beat.
Tell them to come on in here.
This way, gentlemen. His Honor the Mayor.
How are you, your Honor? We want to see you about a concert in the town hall.
Well, you see, since I've been elected Mayor, I've appointed myself the Census Bureau. Therefore, I got to know the nature of the entertainment.
It is a singing concert.
Your Honor, I used to sing with the gentlemen—
Git away?????????
I assure you we shall be pleased to sing for your approval.
Go
right ahead. I'll be in the next office listening to you.
Here, Chief, come on and tell dem 'bout old Deacon Birch and dat brownskin vamp down de court de other day. Dey ain't heard no scandal.
Hey, Sam, is that you?
Yes, Tom, is that you?
What are you doing out here this time of night? Are you on the night force now?
I'm all the force.
Who are you looking for?
Slippery Jim.
Slippery Jim???? Is he out already??
Never been locked up yet.
I thought that was the first man you locked up when you got the job.
No, Tom, I wasn't thinking about locking him up.
Ain't we got some fine protection?? What's that you got in your hand?
That's a lamp.
Next to Aladdin's lamp, that's the oldest-looking thing I ever did see.
Aladdin's Lamp???? What is Aladdin's lamp?????
You never heard of Aladdin's lamp.
No, Tom. I never heard tell of it.
Well, that was the old lamp they found, and when they rubbed it, a genie came up, and any question you would ask him, he would answer it, and any wish you would make, he would grant it. You see, if that was Aladdin's lamp and you rubbed it, and a genie would come up and you asked him where Slippery Jim was, he would tell you exactly where to find him.
No, Tom, I don't want that—
Oh, but it was a marvelous lamp.
Oh, you are just the man I'm looking for.
At your service, madam.
Mr. Penrose, you've been here a long time and you haven't reported to me as yet. You were in the store and you must have found Steve stealing. That's how he was elected. But still you haven't caught him.
Oh, I caught him all right.
Well, why didn't you report it? He should have been arrested at once. The idea of him robbing my poor husband . . . He's nothing but a common thief, that's what he is!
I caught your husband robbing Steve.
Huh! You caught my husband robbing Steve? Well, now, who hired you, me or Steve?
Can you keep a secret?
Of course I can. I'm a woman.
Tom Sharper hired me to watch your husband.
Well, Tom Sharper's too smart.
Not as smart as he thinks he is. When I got here, I found Steve robbing Sam, Sam robbing Steve, and Onions robbing the both of them. And I in turn robbed all three of them.
Oh, this is dreadful.
Here is the money. Give it to your husband and Steve, and tell them to be in the store tomorrow morning ready to run business on the level.
Oh, that's impossible. They have to be at the Mayor's office tomorrow morning.
No, not tomorrow morning. Harry Walton shall be at the Mayor's office tomorrow morning.
Well, I don't understand this, Mr. Penrose.
Well, come with me Madam, and I will explain.