The Wizard of Oz:
A Musical Comedy
A Dramatic Composition
in Three Acts
-:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:-
-:- ACT I,-:-
At the rise of the curtain farm hands
discovered. House servants are
busy performing their various duties.
One man on a wheat rack, Servants
cleaning pans, etc in front of the
house. Several girls enter carrying
apples. They pelt the man on
the wheat stack. Farm wagon with
horse enters. Suddenly old man
reading paper, rises and points to
the approaching cyclone. Connection
on part of everyone. They all excitedly
and frantically rush off stage.
The cyclone effect is worked upon
the gauze. The scene then changes.
When the lights go up Chorus discovered
all dressed in blue and posed about
a Maypole. A Maypole dance follows.
Then the entrance of the Wicked Witch.
She drives them about the stage until
someone calls her attention to the
approaching cyclone. All rush about
wildly. Lights gradually go out.
When they go up again, a house similar
to the farmhouse of the Kansas
Scene is discovered E.
It is in a dilapidated condition.
-:- ACT I -:-
SCENE I:- Descriptive Tableau, showing Kansas
Prairie Farm, the cyclone, ascent of
the house with Dorothy, and transformation
SCENE II:- The munchkin country - Land of Oz
followed by the descent of the house
crushing of the wicked witch, etc.
DISCOVERED: Chorus of Munchkins.
Here's a catastrophe!
What a dreadful storm.
Never in the land of Oz has there been one like it.
I wonder from what unknown country the storm blew this house.
Such a strange dwelling - so different from ours.
The same storm that brought this shouse has blown half of our home
(Noise off stage, shouts, cries, etc. Voice off stage.
Somebody under arrest. A strange looking girl.
A witch, perhaps.
The storm may have been her work.
(Enter Reuben and Simon with Cynthia. R. #3. Cynthia
suggests madness in her costume and make-up.)
Here's an enchantress. Do any of you know her?
Who are you, and where do you come from?
My name is Cynthia, and I am a lady lunatic.
(All recoil from her)
Does the asylum know you are out?
Fear nothing. I am not dangerous.
I've lost my reason.
She's a sorceress. To the river with her.
That's no way to treat a perfect lady lunatic.
If you sink we'll believe you.
But I will not sink. I've been taking swimming lessons
from a banker.
Swimming lessons from a banker?
taught me how to float a loan.
(They advance to her. Witch of the North enters and
Halt! What would you do with this girl?
She's a sorceress, and her spells produced the recent cyclone.
Then you should thank her on your knees. The storm has made
It dropped that house upon your cruel tyrant, the Wicked
Witch. Her cruel spells and wicked enchantments have caused
you endless misery. She hated love and happiness, and while
she lived would not permit you to know them.
If you are a member of the Sorceress' Union show your card.
I haven't one. I have never sorcered. I am only a sweet
girl maniac. Listen, and I will tell you my story.
(Crowd gather around her)
I was once a saleslady in one of our largest department
Ah, yes, I have seen your open face at an opening sale of
umbrellas that wouldn't open.
No, I was at the alligator counter in the animal department.
I was engaged to a young musician named Niccolo Chopper who
played the piccolo.
He was so generous. As soon as our wedding day was fixed he
gave me my alimony in advance.
Where is he now?
The Wicked Witch enchanted him. He never returned.
How do you hope to find him?
By whistling his favorite tune. No matter what the witch may
have made of him, if he hears the tune he will answer.
Did he play it often?
For hours at a time. You can't imagine how he objected to a
change of air.
You doubtless learned to love it?
True. And on moonlight nights he would always play it in the
vegetable garden back of my semi-Queen Anne suburban boarding
Witch of the North exits.
Not with the twinkling lute
Sought he to press his suit
Nor with the sighing flute
Came he zum-zumming
Nor on, the gay guitar
Under the twilight star,
Could he be heard afar
Softly a strumming.
But, on the piercing piccolo, my highly-gifted Niccolo
Could charm with much celerity, a melody divine.
Defying fell malaria, He'd execute his aria
With marvelous dexterity, each night at half past nine.
Not with a slide trombone, were his soft pleadings blown
Lacking were they in tune, blatant and blaring
Nor with the violin, sought he, my heart to win
Playing that garden in, his love declaring.
Chorus same as 1st verse.
Cynthia and Chorus, all exeunt at end of whistling
refrain. [HANDWRITTEN: Using Piccolos]
Enter Witch of the North and Girl, L.2.
Pointing to a house, R.2.
Where did you say this house came from?
From the skies, your highness.
A strange abode from some unknown land.
Sir Dashemoff Daily, enters hurriedly, L.3.
News! Wonderful news!
Crowd enters R.3.
Pastoria, the rightful king of Oz, has returned on the wings
of the wind.
Are you sure of that, Sir Dashemoff?
The cyclone blew Pastoria home again. Aided by General
Riskitt he has started a revolution already.
Where's Pastoria going to find the money for his revolution?
He's selling reserved seats for his own coronation.
How came King Pastoria to leave the land of Oz?
One day, years ago, a balloon brought to the Emerald City
a mysterious man from a mysterious place they call the
I've read about it in our children's books.
The stranger lured Pastoria into the balloon and cut the
ropes. It bore Pastoria through the clouds. The stranger
remained and, because of his mystic arts, was crowned King
If Pastoria gets his throne away from the Wizard of Oz, it
will be hard luck for me. I'll have to grind out a new
(Cheers off stage R.)
(Crowd retire up stage. Enter TIMOTHY, followed by
Halt! His Majesty would address the army.
(Pastoria enters in motorman's coat and hat. He carries
in one hand a large sceptre and a shawl strap. In the
other a gilded hat box with crown inside.)
My faithful soldiers. As I gaze upon your faces it gives me
great pleasure to know that you all may die for me.
Men with faces like yours ought to die for somebody. - and
I'm as good an excuse as you'll ever get.
When you face the enemy, chanting your battle hymn, -- where's
that battle hymn?
All ready, sire.
(Hands him paper.)
This ought to make heroes of you all.
"When we were children we cried for Pastoria, -
When we were young we sighed for Pastoria, -
When we grew up we died for Pastoria. -
Oria, oria, peerless Pastoria."
When we were children we cried for Pastoria! Now, wouldn't
that wilt the feathers on Maud's new boa!
You shall restore me to my rights. As for the cheap
swindler who has stolen my throne - The Wizard of Oz, --
Where will you find a greater scoundrel, a more contemptible
being, than that Wizard of Oz?
No, - no! I mean, where?
(Crowd snickers, quietly.)
As for your pay, have no fear. As we approach the capitol
I will dispose of reserved seats for my coronation at
S-sh --! A customer approaches.
(Pastoria and Riskitt quickly produce box office
diagrams and bunches of tickets from their pockets as
SOPHRONIA and PETER enter R.1.E. they rush upon them
in the manner of ticket speculators.)
Tickets for Pastoria's coronation?
(Use sign, "Tickets bought from speculators,etc".)
Two on the center aisle, four rows from the front.
(All rush at Pastoria.)
(Enter CYNTHIA, R.3. Come down through crowd, C.)
Wait. He may be my long-lost Niccolo.
I'm nobody but the King. For years I ruled the Land of Oz
and was the best dressed little king that ever tied a four in
hand. The people loved me then, and called me their
I pray thee, play upon this piccolo.
(Offering piccolo to Pastoria.)
The wicked witch may have changed my sweetheart into you;
How perfectly awful!
I'm not your sweetheart.
Then prove it by playing "The Carnival of Venice" with
There was a bum note in the crescendo that Niccolo could
(Retires up stage.)
The idea! Open that box.
(Points to hat box. Riskitt opens it.)
What's the name in the crown of that crown?
(Looking in crown.)
(Hands it to Pastoria)
It was on my head when that confounded balloon carried me
away. It fitted me then, and it fits me now.
(Puts it on his head triumphantly. Movement of surprise
What's the meaning of that queer costume?
When the cyclone picked me up I was working as a motorman in
What's a motorman?
Well, a motorman is a fellow that takes life easy. He's a
regular lady killer, and a sort of business agent for
the Undertakers' Union. When I reached the earth I had
to do something for a living.
Your Majesty had to work? Terrible!
Yes. Your Majesty had to eat. I grew so desperate I decided
to stop at nothing, so I became a motorman. It's a merry
life, and all day long the jingling of the bells. A fellow-
motorman tried to get me to go with him to Michigan and
He said the girls were more sociable. He used to sing a
beautiful song about one of them.
Well, you can judge for yourself.
-- "IN MICHIGAN" --
Pastoria and Chorus.
I'm fond of the girls from Tennessee,
For they are extremely coy,
But there's another girl for me, she's the girl from
With the damsel fair from gay Delaware
I'd giddily coquette.
But the girl for me beyond compare, in old Michigan is met.
In Michigan, In Michigan, I would that I were rich again.
A ticket I'd buy, and away I'd fly
To the far-off fields of Michigan.
In Michigan, In Michigan, my tent I'd like to pitch again.
I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo
And that's what I've got in Michigan.
The Georgia girl is a perfect peach,
The Maine girl takes the bun
Of the Oregon girl I love to preach
For she second stands to none.
Oh the Texas girl is a downright pearl,
And a dainty dream besides,
But the girl that can give them all a twirl,
In old Michigan resides.
I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo,
I've a mother-in-law in Saginaw, etc.
(and exit Chorus R. and L.)
You are not like my Niccolo, and yet seem to be he. If I
could see you make love to someone else -- my Niccolo
would never do that in my presence.
Pasty! Pasty! Where are you, darling?
You'll have a chance, for here comes my fiancee.
Yes. She was a waitress in the railroad station at Topeka.
Her name is Tryxie.
Yes. We were blown out of Kansas at the same time. When the
cyclone struck town I was standing on the front platform
of my car and had just yelled, "Hold fast for a sharp
curve". As we sailed over the roofs a beautiful girl
suddenly shot out of a neighboring cloud and hit my
dashboard. She was carrying a plate of beans. She said
she was going my way and before the cyclone dropped us
through yonder chestnut trees we were engaged.
(Entering, L.2. and going to Pastoria)
Darling, I hope you won't think me gross, but I wish you
would take me by the hand and lead me to a large porterhouse
Girl, the stake that I am fighting for is not a porterhouse.
I may be slain. Then what would lovey do if dovey died?
Why lovey would die too.
(With arm about her.)
Do you remember, I met you as a motorman.
I was struck by you at our first meeting.
You were carrying a book.
I ran over them without asking you.
Because you got the bell to go ahead.
Then I went ahead to get the belle.
You couldn't have offered me a palace then.
No. About all you could expect from a street car man is
"a little room up front."
What were your prospects then?
Same as the conductors' - only fare.
And yet you loved me then.
I yearned for you.
And you love me now?
With all the heart a motorman is allowed to have.
Pasty, you are just too awful!
To resume -- how much does oo love oosey?
Enough. I am convinced. My Niccolo could never hand out
such a tart line of wedding march conversation.
Is this a lady detective?
No. This is a lady lunatic.
Yes; mad through with blighted love. Now will I to the
vegetable garden where I last saw him.
(Taking objects from basket on arm.)
Here are young spring onions - they're for insomnia;
here's celery for remembrance, - and here are March
strawberries - for -- a dollar a box!
"Oh, he never more will come,
And I wonder where he's went.
Hey nonney, hey nonney hey!"
(Exit a la Ophelia, L.I.)
Poor thing -how she loved him! Niccolo must have been
Yes. I reminded her strongly of him.
But, she is a lunatic. That explains a lot of things.
Tryxie, you see what it is to lose a fond lover. Now
suppose, suppose you were to lose me?
Pastoria, you know I never was lucky.
I know. But, what would you do?
Why, someone else, I suppose.
But tell me, what do you think of the country you're to
reign over as my queen?
Oh, well enough as far as I've gone. But it was a bad time
to leave Kansas.
Barnum's circus was billed for our town for the 13th, and
next to a Boston cream puff I love a circus.
-- "WHEN THE CIRCUS COMES TO TOWN" --
Tryxie and Pastoria
and exit, L.I.E.)
(Enter DOROTHY and IMOGEN (the cow) R.2.)
Well, where am I at?
(Xing L. and looking around.)
Surely, this isn't Kansas?
Imogen, we are lost, and we'll never see home again. How
poor Father will miss us.
You were the only thing to prove he ran a dairy. Now he
won't be able to mix up any more milk until I get back with
the key to the plaster of Paris barrel. I wish we could run
into another cyclone going the way we came from.
What are you crying for?
Be brave, like me. Will somebody tell me the way back to
(Xing R. looking at house.)
My! but our house is bent. Well, if the cyclone hasn't
blown Carrie Barry's front door right on our porch. There's
her name on the doorplate. Hello! what's this?
(Takes folded paper from door. Reads it.)
"To the Princess within." Here's a joke, Imogen.
(Cow looks over her shouler.)
Why it's a love song from a perfect stranger.
(Enter WITCH of the North, and SIR DASHEMOFF DAILY, L.2.)
(Pointing to Dorothy.)
There she is, your Highness.
Whence comes this maiden?
I know not. I only know I love her.
(Slapping Cow's nose.)
Go away, Imogen! Where are your manners! Keep your nose
out of my correspondence hereafter.
(Chorus begins to enter, R. and L.)
Caroline Barry. That's the name on the doorplate of the
cottage she arrived in.
Do you refer to my poor poem?
Did you send me this, sir?
I did. And may her Highness present me?
If her Highness pleases.
(Xing to Dorothy)
Little girl, this is Sir Dashemoff Daily, our Poet Laureate,
And I am Locusta, the Witch of the North.
Ah, don't be afraid - I'm not one of the black cat and
Then tell me - am I far from Kansas?
Kansas? Where is Kansas?
Imogen, do you hear that? She'll ask us next where Topeka
Listen, ye Munchkins; this pretty stranger is under my
You are a lucky girl.
In proof of that I will bestow this magic ring upon her.
(Putting ring on Dorothy's finger, who has Xed to her.)
Whoever wears this ring may have two wishes gratified.
Then I wish Imogen and me back to Kansas?
What's the matter? Why don't we arrive?
I'm sorry, but my wishes have no power beyond the land
in which they are granted. They can only aid you here.
But I want to go home. Tell me, what am I to do?
You must go to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. He alone has
the power to transport you across the burning desert. As a
member of the Witches' Union I have business elsewhere.
When danger threatens, remember your ring.
Now Mistress Barry ----
I'm not Mistress Barry. I'm Dorothy Gale.
But, the name on the door?
Oh, that door belongs to the cottage of an old maid who
lived just below our farm.
But I've made my song to Mistress Barry, and if you are not she --
(Turns away, disconsolate.)
Oh, the song's not wasted. I like it very much. I wish I
knew it. How odd -- I DO know it. Why, it's a miracle.
No, it's the ring. Your first wish has been granted.
-- "CARRIE BARRY" --
(Dorothy and Chorus, with Dashemoff. During song the
Scarecrow is carried on by two farmers and set up at
stile. At end of song Chorus exits R. and L.)
I dare not call her Caroline, I think of her as Carrie,
Her eyes like stars at twilight shine,
And they have won this heart of mine.
With glances none could parry.
And when she smiles a smile divine,
With cruelty I task her, The dainty maid knows I'm afraid
To bravely up and ask her.
Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, will you marry me
I'm as much in love with you as a many can be.
Night and day for you alway, I pine, and pine, and pine,
Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, say you will be mine.
Though yet untold this love of mine,
This love will never vary. I'm longing for some little sign
One spoken word, one written line.
That I may hope and tarry.
For truth it is that I opine, she looks upon me coldly.
That's why I fear when she is near
To turn and tell her boldly:
Is that what you think of Carrie Barry?
That's what I think of Dorothy Gale.
I don't believe it.
I'll tell you why you must.
(Takes her hand as sound of hoofs is heard, off stage,
No, it's General Riskitt.
(Bus. of Riskitt entering L.3. in manner of a flying
Report to his Majesty at once.
His Majesty is writing a temperance poem and he's stuck for a
rhyme to Saraparilla.
That's what I get for hiring out as a Poet Laureate. Excuse
me till I find the rhyme.
Alone again. Well this is cheerful. Nothing in sight to talk
to but this Scarecrow.
Well, as queer as he looks, I feel so lonely I wish he were
(COW enters and begins biting at Scarecrow's legs.)
(Dorothy Xes up R.)
Is this your cow?
Well, if you don't want me to lose a leg, call him off.
(Dorothy motions to Cow and Cow exits R.3.)
Thanks, awfully, for bringing me to life. Isn't this
lovely weather for July?
The ring! Another wish wasted.
Would you mind taking this golf ball out of my ear?
(Dorothy goes to Scarecrow and looks for golf ball.)
My ear is on the other side.
(Dorothy removes golf ball and throws it down on stage.)
That makes me one down.
You seem well posted.
If I wasn't well posted I couldn't stand up.
I mean, you know what's in fashion.
For a long time I've been just behind the stile.
(Points to stile.)
Don't you think you're smart!
I don't think at all. I haven't any brains.
There is nothing there but a handful of excelsior covered
with a dishrag. When the farmer was filling me with straw
yesterday he said, "I guess I'll shake him". When I saw
the size of his hand I knew it was on me. Then he jabbed
this pole into my back and said, "You're stuck". That put me
up in the air, where I've been for the last twenty-four
But you're alive now, and how are you going to earn your
living without brains?
I won't be lonely. Will you help me down?
I'm getting a bad pain in my polar regions, from lack of exercise.
(Helps him down from post. Bus.)
Can't you walk?
No. But I'll take steps to learn.
Oh, - but you're a loose character. What's you name?
No name? But, you've a family of some sort, haven't you?
Judging from what I'm stuffed with I am related to
(Bus. with Cow.)
How about yourself? Who are you? - where did you drop from?
Where are you going, and why do you go there? Tell me all
about it, while I see which way the wind blows.
(Bus. with straws.)
My name is Dorothy, and I am one of the Kansas Gales.
That accounts for your breezy manner.
When I am at home I live in Kansas. Just now I am lost,
and I am going to the Emerald City to ask the wonderful
Wizard of Oz to help me.
What, to get back to Kansas? Dottie, why trifle with your
Behave. You are old enough to know better.
No, I'm not! I was just born, and it will be three hundred
and sixty-four days before I have a birthday.
(Cows begins to nibble at Scarecrow's legs.)
How long do you think you'll live?
If I can escape that cow of yours, until I'm used to stuff
a summer boarder's mattress. Do you think the Wizard would
have a set of brains knocking around his place that would
If I thought he could fix me up I'd go with you.
Come along. Even if he is out of your size you'll be no
worse off than you are now.
(Both start to go L.)
We're a nice looking couple. Suppose we're arrested for
You could give straw bail. Do you know, I can hardly believe
that you have no brains? How careless the farmer was to
leave them out.
Wasn't he? I wouldn't treat a dog that way.
- SCARECROW'S SONG -
Though I appear a handsome man,
I'm only stuffed with straw.
'Tis difficult a man to plan without a single flaw.
Though you may think my lovely head
A store of law contains
The farmer lack of skill displayed and quite forgot my
When brains are lacking in a head, it's usually the rule,
That wisdom from the man has fled and he remains a fool.
So, though my charms are very great, as I am well assured
I'll never reach my full estate, 'till brains I have
A-las for the man who has little in his noodle that he knows
He's under a man, and is called a rattle pate, wherever he
He always does the very thing he never ought to do
He stumbles and he fumbles and is aimless.
A lobster, is he, as anyone with half an eye can see.
You can beat him sneer or jeer
for his wheels are out of gear
And it's plain he'll remain quite brainless.
-:- CHANGE TO
SCENE III:- The road through the forest.
DASHEMOFF enters R.I. SIR WILEY GYLE
enters L.I. They enter backwards, and
collide near C.
Would you like to join a revolution?
That's my specialty. I'm Sir Wiley Gyle, at your services.
Revolutions to order. Kings dethroned while you wait.
Then join our plot to put Pastoria II on the throne again.
What! has that fried oyster returned?
There's the Wizard's proclamation against him.
(Glancing at proclamation.)
Help Pastoria? Not I. I'm next in line for that throne,
But how are you going to overthrow the wizard?
Ever since his balloon landed here the people have been in
dread of his magic, and of him. He's made 'em think he has
unearthly powers. But, I'll show 'em!
Going to expose him?
Expose him, or blow him up.
Blow him up - what with?
(Showing a small bomb.)
One of the bargain-sale bombs. - If I can ever get one to
Anything the matter with that one?
I'll bet it's no good. They had a bargain sale of infernal
machines and bombs at one of our big stores last month;
they'd bought out the stock of an anarchist factory. I
got a hundred bombs for five ninety-eight, -- and not one
of the darned things has worked yet.
Won't they take 'em back?
No. They won't exchange bargains.
I'm sure this one is no good, too.
(Suddenly throws bomb on stage L. It bounces off stage
Don't take a chance like that!
Every time I throw one of those bombs at the wizard I get
arrested for playing baseball in the streets.
(Enters, R.I. Xes to Gyle C.)
I beg your pardon. Could you direct me to a small piece
Yes, toast. I am a sweet girl maniac, and to-day it is my
fancy that I am a poached egg. If I could only find a piece
of toast I'd rest myself on it.
(Aside to Gyle.)
I've heard a young man named Niccolo was the cause of this.
No. He was turned into somebody else by a witch, and she
can't find him.
(Offering piccolo to Gyle.)
Prithee, play upon this.
Listen, girl. Would you know your Niccolo if you met him?
Ah, you're not he, are you?
No. But I think I can lead you to him.
If Niccolo in his new form fails to recognize you, would
you still yearn for him?
Aye! more than ever.
Listen! your lost lover is here. The witch has turned him
into a wizard, - the wizard of Oz, - and he rules the
Emerald City. Nobody knows it but me. The wizard don't know
it. Go to him when no one is about, and grab and gag him.
And when you have got him far away say to him that Sir Wiley
put you on.
Don't forget -- Sir Wiley.
Ye Gods! My Nick a wizard! If he should fail to recognize
me, and turn me into a sponge cake - what would be my
finish? I pray thee, come and plead the cause of crime. A
(Looking after her.)
Her reason lost because she lost her lover. Would I go
mad if I should lose my Dorothy? Perhaps, because I
already love her madly. I know that, for I know what love is.
-- "THAT IS LOVE " --
And exit L.I.E.)
(Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT R.I.)
Halt! Your precious monarch will make a final speech before
the campaign opens.
(Enters R.I. to Timothy)
Before this awful war begins I want you to understand one
thing. You are the soldiers of a free and glorious country;
if you win victory you will be roasted. If you are defeated
you will be roasted also.
Then you may take my final photograph for the illustrated
(Poses. Riskitt points camera at him. Lion is heard
roaring off stage L.I. Everybody shows alarm.)
It sounds like dinner time in a menagerie.
(Roaring sounds closer)
(Riskitt and Timothy rush off R.I.)
Come back! Come back! you cowards -- come back!
(Lions enters. Bus.)
(Pastoria turns, sees him. Bus. frightened. Hides
behind camera. Lion sees camera. Pauses.)
Lie down, Bruno. Nice lion, good lion, sweet lion, dandelion,
(Etc. ad lib. and Bus. Both.)
(Lion sits up on haunches.
Very well then, sit up, if you prefer.
Do you mean that you want your picture taken?
Something nice for the family album?
Well, you can have an appointment next Wednesday afternoon.
(Starts away. Bus. lion angry.)
Or, right away, if you prefer it.
(Lion resumes pose.)
Now look pleasant, please.
(Lion shakes head.)
How am I going to make that beast look pleasant? Shall I
tell him to watch for the little birdie? No, I have it.
Look for the nice little fat boy.
(Lion turns head quickly toward Pastoria.)
No, no! Not here. Right out there.
(Bus. Lion looking into audience.)
That's it. Don't move.
(Lion slaps at mosquito on jaw.)
Mosquitos, bothering you? Yes, there are more than usual
this summer. 'Round the corner, in the next jungle there
(Bus. Lion displeased.)
Now ready, again. Steady!
That will be all, thank you. How do you like your photos
done, - plenty of gloss, or domestic finish?
All right. We'll do them both ways. You needn't call for
the proof, I'll send them.
(Bus. Lion waving paw. Knocks camera over, etc, Bus.
ad lib and exit Lion R.I. Pastoria collapsed, and
prostrate R.I. Riskitt enters, cautiously R. behind
the leg of drop. Bus. as they discover and startle each other.)
Is your Majesty alone?
Where is my army?
He's in the top of the tallest tree, and he won't come down.
Have they deserted my banner so soon?
Yes. Here's a notice just sent from police headquarters
in the Emerald City.
(Hands notice to Pastoria.)
"To our beloved police: Wanted, for treason, a small
creature with slate pencil legs, an eye like a halibut, and
a face like a cold flaxseed poultice, calling itself Pastoria
II." After that description how can I escape?
We'll both need disguises.
And the sooner we get them the better. See to it at
I am so hungry I could eat a fifty cent table d'hote and
think it was food.
Alas! that I should have chosen for a Queen one whose
appetite is so stenuous.
Pasty, when you invited me to become your Queen did
you think I lived on air?
I saw only your face - your lovely face.
Yes; but even the loveliest face has to be fed.
Another fond delusion shattered. Now I know that woman
is but a hollow mockery. Come, let us on to my kingdom.
(Exit Pastoria and Tryxie, L.I.)
(Dorothy and Scarecrow enter R.I.)
Come along, I'll help you get a position. Now, what field
have you been in?
All of them. I began in the pasture lot, and was moved up to
the potato patch.
Do you know beans?
I should say I do. A bean vine grew up my right leg once.
(Dorothy sits on ground and begins to eat cakes
What are you doing?
What do you do that for?
Because I'm hungry. Don't you ever eat?
No. I'm stuffed full now. Pretty soon you'll be stuffed
full and you won't be able to eat either.
I eat three or four times a day.
Is it necessary?
How I pity you. You people of flesh must waste a lot of
time trying to keep alive.
Haven't you any taste?
You're a strange creature. That farmer might have taken more
pains in your manufacture in more ways than one.
Yes. Think of his starting me in life with so few advantages.
(A groan heard back of drop.)
It sounds like a carette horse passing a stable at dinner
It comes from behind these bushes. Dare you look and see
what it is?
I fear nothing, but a lighted match, or a cigarette
smoker. If ever I bump up against either of those two --
peace to my ashes.
(Pushes bushes aside.)
I've got it.
(Brings Tin-man out.)
(Tin-man stands, rigid, with fife in position for
Is that a man, or a hardware store?
He's been married tin years and this is his tin wedding.
Did you play, sir?
Did I play? I've been practicing that lovely tune for over
Why do you stand so still?
Must you stay there forever?
Not if you will help me. Get the oil can from behind that
stump and oil me up a bit and then I'll be oil right.
I'll rush the can.
(Gets oil can from behind out drop and begins to
oil Tin-man's joints. Bus. ad lib.)
What a blessed relief. Accept my thanks. Nick Chopper is
at last himself again.
I'm so glad we heard you. What a dangerous position you
Wasn't I? If a hold-up man had come along with a can
opener he might have gone through me with ease.
Here, oil my neck a little more. It doesn't turn smoothly.
(Oiling Nick's neck.)
Some of these tough joints ought to be pulled.
Your friend seems to be one of the light fingered gentry. I
hope he's not as bad as he's painted.
What a horrid thing for you to say, after his helping you
out of your trouble.
I beg your pardon, Miss; it's a long time since I've been
in polite society and I'm still a bit rusty.
Much obliged for the grease. Ah, I was not always made of
tin. Once I was made of flesh and blood, as you two are.
(Taking handful of straw from breast.)
Cut me out, please.
How did it happen.
A pretty Munchkin girl loved me devotedly. Often she came
and held the trees while I chopped them down, and then
gently lowered them to the ground. But the wicked witch had
forbidden any love-making in her domains, and one day Cynthia
and I were caught holding hands. She enchanted my axe so that
it slipped and cut off my leg. I went to the tinsmith and had a
new one made. Then, one by one, I lost my arms, head, and
body, but the tinsmith replaced each missing member. I kept
on chopping wood, though, and said nothing. I was happy,
notwithstanding, until I discovered that I no longer loved
No longer loved her? Why?
The tinsmith had forgotten to give me a heart.
That probably came extra.
Come along with us to Oz, perhaps you can get a heart.
Who is Oz - a butcher?
No, no! It's city, where a wonderful wizard rules.
(Sings, dancing to time.)
"Oh, Cynthia, Cynthia, I've been thinking -
What an awful thing it was -
To be without a heart, but now
I'll get it from the Wizard of Oz."
(Break and bus. Scarecrow.)
-- "WHEN YOU LOVE, LOVE, LOVE." --
Trio -- Tin-man, Dorothy, and Scarecrow, and exit.)
Oh! Love's the thing, that poets sing
Their sweetest lays regarding.
And none say nay, to love's gay sway
Which wounds when not rewarding.
Naught can allure the heart so sure
As one swift dart from Cupid
And none, I know would dodge his blow,
Unless exceeding stupid.
For love's the thing, that poet's sing
Their sweetest lays regarding,
And all are gay, neath Cupid's sway
All worldly cares discarding.
When you love, love, love in mad delirium,
When you love, love, love is quite sincere you come.
there is nothing so divine there is nothing half so fine,
As the gladness of your madness when you love, love, love.
I've heard it said that Love is fed
On gifts of costly treasure,
But it's so nice, I'm sure the price,
No lover cares to measure.
All other things are quite forgot
When once your heart is captured
You guess if you're alive or not
So madly you're enraptured.
But though of love you gaily sing
'Twill turn your heart quite stony,
To end the whirl and find the girl
Is seeking "Alimony."
- CHANGE TO
SCENE:- The Poppy Field.
The scene shows an extensive field
of poppies, 30 or 40 young ladies
dressed in costumes representing
the poppy flower. They are so
arranged that they practically fill
the entire stage. Stage in total
darkness at the beginning of this
scene. Light effect is thrown upon
the gauze drop. Gradually the lights
are raised on the stage beginning red
and gradually working up to a pale
white light. All the girls stand with
their heads bent forward so as to hide
faces, their poppy heads alone showing.
As they sing they sway their bodies
and pantomine with their heads.
(Chorus of Poppy flowers.)
Should a wandering mortal lucklessly appear in our field
Needlessly our sweet perfume inhaling
Each sense with joy regaling
Who can blame us if all our soporific powers are revealed.
While unto our sway he gives way
And must helplessly yield.
For Death, like a breath comes to all soon or late
And mortals are the sport of a mischevious fate.
So welcome the peace that we bring to mankind.
It is happiness to dream on, with care left behind.
We are poppies in fairest splendour, blooming fragrant
Through the mosses and the grasses looming
Fascinations rare assuming
We delight when alone, to pass the moments are play
Every petal graciously nods
Our many charms to display.
(After Chorus, DASHEMOFF enters, hurriedly R.I.)
Oh, Dorothy! Dorothy!
Here I am. I'm so glad to meet you again. I've lost my way.
These poppy fields are pathless.
The Tin-man punctured himself with a rusty nail, and I had
to send for a plumber to solder up his wound.
A new friend of mine.
I found a rhyme for "Sarsaparilla", but now I can't find the
(Enter PASTORIA, TRYXIE, COW and LION at back. Pastoria
is dressed as a lion tamer, Tryxie as a bareback
rider. Pastoria leads the Lion, Tryxie leads the Cow.)
S-sh! the Wizard's police are after us and we are disguised
as a one ring circus.
This is Pastoria II, the rightful king of Oz.
I am Signiorina Bouncerino, premiere equestrienne.
And I am Signor Gonzabo, premier lion tamer.
(Striking pose with Lion.)
Sit up, Bruno, Kiss your paw.
No, no! Kiss your paw to the ladies.
But come, we must not tarry here. On to the Emerald City.
(Xes R. Poppies shake their heads. All characters
Are you sleepy?
Very. It's the perfume of these flowers.
Yes; they make opium of them, I've read.
(Poppies shake their heads.)
I feel like forty winks and a couple of naps.
(Cow lies down.)
Not a bad idea. I think I'll use you as a sofa pillow.
You're not much as a mattress, but you'd make an awful hit with
me, served rare, with mashed potatoes.
(Lies down L. with head on Cow's side.)
Bruno, kindly give me an imitation of a folding bed.
(Lion lies down.)
Will somebody bring me my shaving water and a poached egg
some time next week?
(Lies with head on Lion. Falls asleep. Poppies
shake their heads.)
What does this mean? My head reels. My eyes must close.
The perfume stifles me. There's danger in this sleep I'm
(Dashemoff retires up stage.) (Scarecrow and Tin-man
enter from platform at back.)
Where are you, Hay?
Did the plumber fix you up all right?
Oh, yes. I'm now a soldered, but wiser man.
Hello! I'm wounded too.
(Shows tear in leg.)
Got a few pins?
(Pointing to tear)
I want to collect my rent.
(Poppies shake heads.)
(All on stage yawn.)
Asleep - all of them.
Let's wake them up.
You can't. Before I turned to tin I didn't dare to cross
Their perfume brings an endless sleep.
I don't feel sleepy.
Of course not. It's the brains that go to sleep, and you
haven't got any.
But we can't leave little Dottie here.
How can we wake her.
I don't know, but we must.
Suppose we shake her?
No; it isn't polite to shake a lady.
(All characters asleep snore.)
I think she has a ring that will bring one of our leading
witches to her aid.
(Taking her hand.)
Here it is.
But we don't know how it works.
(WITCH of the North enters L.3. coming to Dorothy.)
Who calls me!
The child to whom I promised my friendship. She and her
companions in the deadly grasp of these treacherous
blossoms. Heartless and poisonous flowers, dare you defy
the power of the Witch of the North
(Poppies raise their heads.)
Defy me, who rules the North Wind and holds the Frost
King as a willing subject? for this you shall die. For this
shall I cloud the sunshine, which is your breath, and chill
the warmth which gives you life.
(Poppies raise heads.)
Hail, winds of the frozen North! Come to my aid! Embrace
these false blossoms, and wither them with your cold
caresses! King of the Fronst, you do I invoke in this, my
hour of vengeance. Hurl your glittering atoms upon these
cruel flowers --
Congeal their sap of life, and set upon them the icy seal
of your freezing kiss, which kills as surely as does their
own treacherous breath. Thus shall my enemies perish! Thus
shall I restore to life these mortals who now sleep, and rescue
the maiden I have sworn to protect!
(Poppies shrink away, droop and fall to the ground,
as the snow descends and the scene change to
Scene 5: Winter Scene.
The dimmer effect (elective) is worked on gauge, hung
behind proscenium. Lights are lowered
and when out scene changes to Poppy Field in Winter.]
Several snow boys and girls
discovered at the back of platform.
Snow Queen on high platform C.
holding her hands out towards the
audience. Snow falls from her hands.
Characters are posed R. and L. with
Dorothy in C. of stage.
When lights have worked up to a light
blue she slowly rises, turns and sees
the Snow Queen and drops on her knee.
-:- Curtain -:-
-:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:-
-:- ACT II -:-
SCENE:- House and Stage all dark.
THE PHANTOM MARCH.
Change to Throne Scene. CHORUS
discovered, THE WIZARD OF OZ enters C.
All hail to the wonderful Wizard of Oz.
Friends, an attempt has been made to assassinate your King.
As I was about to enter the Emerald City a pistol shot was
fired and struck me in the chest. After this I must have a
Have we a good chest protector?
Sir Wiley Gyle
(Pointing to Guard L.)
Here's a good man.
This way, if you please.
What is your business?
Then you are a watch-guard?
You are? Good. How much?
How much what, sire?
Three dollars a week.
I can get a man with whiskers for four.
But think, sire, I would protect you against an army. Aye,
a thousand. Aye, ten thousand! If they came upon us I
would run my sword through them, one by one.
(Suiting action to word)
Good boy! And if it came to a show-down I'd help you run.
(Goes to throne - to crowd)
Friends, I'll begin my performance with the magic egg and
(Aside to others)
I have here a tame egg and a fresh laid handkerchief. Now
what I propose to do is to place the egg within the handkerchief
and have it disappear, and re-appear in the mouth of
some innocent spectator.
I wish it to be understood that I have no confederate. And
as I have no confederate will some gentleman please step
forward and kindly assist me? ----Anyone at all ----no matter
Thank you, I'll take this gentleman.
Watch me closely now, for you'll find that my hands are
quicker than your eyes. I place the egg within the handkerchief
and with a few magic passes --- is gone. Presto! Change!
It's a fake -- fake -- fake. He's a faker!
Now for the marvels of marvels - my famous magic basket.
I have here a basket which contains nothing but gleamerin'
blades which go round and round. To satisfy yourselves you
can all step up and examine the inside of the basket.
Now, I'm pleased to know that you're all satisfied that the
basket contains nothing but gleamerin' knives, and as I have
no confederate will some gentleman kindly step forward
and assist me? Anyone at all. You can select whoever
Thank you, I'll take this gentleman.
Now he's in the basket. We immediately turn the basket over.
Then we secure the dangerous burning acid. Fire in the liquid.
The burning acid I pour all over the basket.
Don't be alarmed. I'm here. Then we secure the sword,--
The poison tipped sword, piercing the basket through and through
Opening the basket, he's gone.
Closing the basket, and back to its original place and opening
up the basket, and out he jumps, as lively and hearty
That's nothing. I can do it. I can do it.
Yes, me or any other fraud.
I have to laugh in my sleeve.
(Ha ha's in his sleeve)
Laugh at him.
(They laugh "HA".)
(They laugh again "Ha.")
You see, they give you the ha-ha.
Can't you see that he's no wizard? Just a plain human
humbug! If I prove that, and save the country from a tyrant
will you make me king?
If he's a Wizard let him defy this bomb.
(Throws bomb at Oz's feet. It bounces off stage -
he throws a second with the same result)
I'm a regular bomb charmer. Merely by a glance of the eye I
hypnotize the dynamite.
What shall we do with him?
Throw him out of the palace. He's not worth taking seriously.
(Waving third bomb)
Some day one of these will work.
That's more than you'll do.
(Two guards remove Gyle C.)
Now, Bardo, the royal entertainment being over you may pass
the royal hat.
Here, come back. Don't run away.
(Bus. Bardo passing hat. Crowd does not
respond with contributions. Bardo returns)
What's the matter, Bardo?
They're very sorry, but they won't have anything to spare
(Oz and full chorus)
(Chorus exits on the refrain. Bardo exits)
(Oz Xes R. and sits on throne chair)
Ah, there sits my Niccolo, brooding over his love for me.
Beneath that awful mask beats the heart of my own true lover.
(Coming down C.)
Good morrow, most noble king!
Good morning, Carrie.
Will you come rowing me with in my garden?
Rown' in the garden? I'll have to disappoint you; I'm
just going out for a walk on the lake.
'Tis a deep sea garden the soft shell crabs are all in
bloom, and as we row we'll dredge for oyster plants. And
we'll build us a beautiful house of tinted pearls and
butterflies to wait on us - and June bugs---
Come with me to the bottom of the sea and be my king-fish.
No, I'd sooner stay here and stick to my perch.
Ah, sneer if you will; you cannot turn me from my purpose.
Think, my darling think---
I think I'll think up here.
(Jumping up on chair)
My head is full of thoughts; they go round and round---
Those are not thoughts - they are roller skates.
The lady has hallucinations.
My brain is on fire.
Yes, and I'm getting a little hot-headed myself.
(Comes down from throne)
Oh, Niccolo! Bewitched and transformed as you are, you must
recognize your old sweetheart. Don't you remember we used to
And now you're wandering alone. Dinny open the gate - open
But I have found you. Come, fly with me.
I will as soon as my wings come back from the laundry.
Niccolo - Niccolo. Don't you remember your old sweetheart?
Your little Cinnie, whom you swore to love forever? Think
Think! You were younger then and your hair was parted in the
middle. And Nick, ---you had another face.
That's a hard one - that's a hard one. I beg pardon, but
from childhood up this face grew on me. Now, see here, my
good lady, we had better come to an understanding. Your ideas
are all right in a way, but even at that you're wrong. You
think you're speaking to the party that you are, but you're
not - you're talking to me.
Do you spurn the heart I lay at your feet? Alas, alas! I
You're all right behind.
Monster! If I cannot have my Nick I'll have revenge!
(Fires pistol at Oz)
(Bell rings off stage)
(Oz takes large bullet from mouth, throws it on
floor and exits R.)
(Bus. for Cynthia)
He's made of asbestos. Would that all lovers were
(Captain at Guard enters C. with Dorothy, Tin Woodman
Is this where the Wizard does his principal wizzing?
Can't you see it's his palace? Haven't you got any brains?
That's just what I came here to get.
He'd like a few brains and I'd like a pass to Kansas.
And what do YOU want of the Wizard?
I'll take a heart.
I'll announce you wants. But, be warned. Don't make light
of aught in his presence.
If I made light of anything they'd cancel my fire insurance.
We've come a long way to get the Wizard to help us. Do you
think he can?
I cannot tell. He alone knows.
Don't worry, Dottie. If you have to stay here we'll take care
You're in on that, Pie-plates?
That's right, Dottie. With all my heart - when I get it.
(Flourish of trumpets heard off)
His Majesty approaches!
(Flourish of trumpets and enter Oz, R followed by
Here comes the Wizard!
What! Strangers here!
Yes; little Dottie.
You all look a little Dottie.
Oh no, I'm Dorothy Gale. Are you the great Magician?
Am I? Watch!
(Bus. Thunder each time he makes a pass with his hands.)
All done by the passes of the hand.
Then you can send me back to Kansas with a pass.
I am not a Congressman.
How will you have your brains, plain or sizzled?
(Bus. for Scarecrow)
Have them scrambled, by all means.
Yes, have them strangled.
How would you like a Russell Sage thinker with just a Dash
of Hetty Green.
You're the doctor.
Bardo - my book, please.
(Bus. and Oz reads from book)
"One pound of Angustora Phosphorus plant-tissue lyonised
with tincture of fundamental and double distilled extract of
Graphohoneical essence." Now, as far as I've got, how does
that suit you?
When you get it tuned up, play something.
Say, Wiz, never mind that blended brain; just mix him up a
little of that straight Mark Hanna brand.
Correct. How would you like to have a Mark Hanna brain?
(Bus. for Scarecrow)
That's it - take it.
That's it. Take the best, it's the cheapest. The other
would make you daffy. Brains, the real genuine Mark Hanna
grey matter. Now, for the oraments. Would you like to have
a dash of orange bitters?
Take all you can get.
Take all I can get?
That's right. This way, please.
(Scarecrow goes towards him, warbling)
Oho! So you're a warbler, eh?
Well, you'll be happier by the time I'm through with you. Now
do you know where you want your brains?
On the roof. Correct. Over here, please.
We start in by making a small incision. ---
Say, Wiz, that's no watermelon.
Certainly not. No watermelon.
Ah, I see he's troubled with a little hay fever -- and an
over-abundance, too, at that. I'll remove---
Now, we'll see further.
Well, what have we here? In all my experiences in
trephining I never saw anything to equal the likes of this.
And the further you go the better they get - a regular
(Taking peanuts from Scarecrow's head and handing them
to Tin-man and others)
Search that. I don't think there's a blank among any of them.
The real genuine article.
This feller is nutty.
(Bus. to Scarecrow)
The first thing you know you'll have rubber brains. Keep
quiet if you can't keep still.
We'll start in---
at the frontal bone, passing along the seam of imagination,
crossing over to the pocket containing paroties of thought---
Steady - steady!
Man dear, yer losin' yer senses. Couldn't you see?
A few layers of the phrenological salve, and you're all
There you are. Your Mark Hanna roof is well shingled.
(Rising, coming down feeling his head)
Oh, oh, how I love the poor workingman!
How do you feel now?
Like making speeches to the intelligent voter. I'll write
(Retires up, produces pad and pencil and writes)
(Going to Oz) (Bus)
One heart haben.
What size heart do you wear?
Wouldn't you like to be considered a big-hearted man?
I couldn't afford it Dottie. I've got lots of tin, but I hate
to part with it.
Would you like to have your heart hot or cold?
Here's one, left by a young lady named Sapho.
Then it's second handed. Very expensive?
Well, it used to be a dear heart, but this being bargain day
I'll give it to you cheap. A dollar thirty-eight.
There's a flaw in it. I'll give you sixty-eight.
That's a bargain.
Will you have it wrapped or sent?
I'll take it wth me.
Where will you have it?
(Pointing to head)
Don't put it in there.
Sink it in those.
(Putting hand on breast)
What do you want, a sink, or a ---Bardo, my surgical
(Bardo throws tools at foot of throne)
Say, what are you? A plumber?
No. I think I'm a tinsmith.
I think you're a----wait a minute.
What's the matter? Nervous?
Just a little excited, that's all.
(Bus. with mallet)
Wait a minute. There's no hurry about this.
Oh, yes there is, there's others waiting.
Well, let them wait. I guess I'll call in to-morrow.
Now, don't be heartless. Have a heart.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, Wizzie, ---nice little Wizzie -- will you do me a favor?
Certainly I will - what's the matter? What are you shaking
Just a little case of nervous prosperity.
(Bus. of Oz putting heart into Tin-man)
That didn't hurt. Shine!
I'm going to put a little absinthe on your heart.
(Bus. of putting absinthe on heart and putting it into
There, your heart will beat in two minutes!
It's working already.
(Bus. and going L.)
Don't be alarmed. I suppose you want a pair of feet.
No, I want a pass to Kansas.
I'm afraid my Kansas passes are all cancelled.
Must I stay forever in this awful country?
How can you call anything awful after Topeka?
I'm so mad, I could cry.
(Goes C. and cries)
(Going to her)
Don't cry, Dottie. Look at what he did for me.
(Showing heart - drops it)
Don't step on it.
(Bus. and exit Dottie R.L)
Oh! Broke my brand new heart!
How's this for stampeding a Convention? "The time has come
to cripple the money octopus. We'll pull his leg. No, we'll
clip his wings, and you'll all be happy when you vote for
There go the most successful miracles I ever performed, and
I'm going to give a ball to-night in honor of my triumph.
The last one I attended was in Topeka.
THE DANCE OF ALL NATIONS:
WIZARD - SCARECROW - Tin-man - DOROTHY - AND CHORUS.
(Bardo enters, followed by Pastoria, Tryxie, Cow and
Where is your license for this company?
We had a dramatic license, but we lost it. We're only a
moral one ring circus.
Is there all there is of you?
We had a stage-struck pig when we started.
What happened to the stagestruck pig?
He was cured in the last town.
And we had a happy family, too, -- that lion and a lamb.
No. The lamb is still with us, - but beneath the surface.
(Lion pats his stomach appreciatively)
I'll report your arrest to his wizziness.
And if His Wizziness recognizes you, it's into the cart with
Ugh! Stop putting ice down my back.
Where is your army? Where is your revolution?
Be patient, my Empress of Biscuit Shooters. Feast your
eyes upon that throne whereon you and I will sit together
as soon as we get a chance to prove Oz a humbug.
But is Oz a humbug?
Is he? Well, I should say he issie, Ozzie, izzie. On the
earth you came from his feats of magic were chestnuts at all
the church fairs fifty years ago.
(Scarecrow and Tin-man enter R.3)
Say, Hay, is this the place?
That's where we're at.
(To Pastoria and Tryxie)
Why so sad, comrades?
Why do our faces look pinched?
The myrmidons of the usurper. Even the show business isn't
safe in this pea-green town.
What show business?
Signor Gonzabo's only original one ring circus.
Pastoria and Tryxie
are it! Ta, ta.
(They strike pose, Lion and Cow also. Chord. Bus of
Cow nibbling at Scarecrow)
Have the animals been fed lately?
(Pointing to Cow)
Because if that beast remains hungry I'm liable to join the
menagerie against my will.
(Bus. feeling cow's side)
Oh, yes, she's been fed.
Why, she's perfectly amiable.
(Xing to Cow - bus)
Come here, and I'll introduce you.
Thanks, we've met before.
(Enters L.1 carry an axe)
Hold! Stand all apart.
(All spread arms and legs)
(She points to Pastoria)
I would speak with yonder wicked giant. It is my pleasure
to think I am Jack-the-Giant-Killer. Come with me to yonder
bean stalk, 'Tis but a mile high and when thou hast reached
top I will cut it down. I fain would see thee tumble.
(Bus for Lion at throne)
Excuse me, I'm not good at tumbling.
Now that I look upon thee again I can believe that.
Will the Lady Lunatic kindly cut it short?
Oh, back to the padded cell with you.
Have you brought home a new cook? I prithee wash the
(Starting towards Pastoria)
(Cynthia seizes Tryxie by arm, pulls her L. then pushes
Pastoria who falls R. near throne. Tryxie exits L.1.)
(Starting towards Pastoria)
Abide thee there awhile
(Turns, sees Scarecrow)
Thou cream-faced loon!
Where getst thou that goose look?
(Swings axe in front of Scarecrow's face)
(Cynthia exits L.1.)
(Bus for Lion)
(Flourish of trumpets and enter Bardo R.1. Crowd
His Majesty commands your presence at once.
You're not to ask questions, but obey orders.
If I don't know, I don't go.
Your circus will give a special performance by royal command.
Ah, I breathe again.
(Pastoria, Bardo, Cow and Tim-man Lion and
(Tryxie enters L.1)
Don't you belong to the circus?
No, indeed. Oh, yes, of course I do.
Do you have to act?
Oh, no, of course not. I don't have to act, but I love art.
What is your speciality?
I'm a bare-faced equestrienne, and I sing serio comics.
Whare are serio comics?
Haven't you ever heard one?
Some people are born lucky. Here's where your luck ends.
SAMMY SONG (Tryxie and Chorus)
(Tryxie exits after song)
(Chorus sing refrain and exit)
(Confederate enters C. Bus. Pastoria and Tryxie enter
C. Pastoria throws a large green cloth over Confederate's
head - bus)
Quick, quick, my queen! The knock-out drops!
(Tryxie places bottle to Confederate's nose,
Bus. Pastoria counting)
1---- 2---- 6---- 8----- 10 ----out. The rest is easy.
in this fellow's clothes, I shall take his place.
When the time comes Oz will put me in the trunk, then he will
close the lid, turn the thing over and open it, and when he
tells the people to look again they will see this trunk empty.
Then I will rise at the back and denounce him as a fraud.
And they'll make you King again.
Then I shall lead you to a palace.
I'd rather be led to a restaurant.
Queens don't talk that way.
But I'm not a Queen. Listen, Pasty, I dreamed last night
that I was in Heaven, eating ice cream and sauer kraut.
Go back to bed. But first help me carry this man where I
can secure his clothes.
(Lifts Confederate on his shoulder)
Is he heavy? He must have had his dinner. I could help you
lift him if I had had mine.
(They exit L.2)
(Sir Wiley enters with Guard and several girls)
The coast is clear. Come in - come in. Don't be afraid.
I'm not. Come in, and look at his wonderful tricks.
you haven't changed your minds? You'll let me prove to you
that your ruler is no wizard? Then watch me. Here's his
wonderful egg trick. See, a pocket in the handkerchief.
And see the magic basket. Place this inside, turn it over
so, --- and behold, the false bottom. Stupid, people, he
has made a fool of you all for years. Rebel! Drive him
from Oz. ----and make Sir Wiley your savior - king!
Down with the Wizard! Down with the Wizard!
(Gyle starts up stage, stops, looks around)
Yes, I'll do it. His confederate has lived long enough.
(Begins to nail up bottom of basket.)
One good turn deserved another. I will nail it up. And
tries to open it he will have a picnic. A basket picnic.
The Wizard will wiz for the last time to-day.
(Scarecrow and Tin-man)
(Pastoria and Trixie enter after
and Tin-man exit. Pastoria disguised as the confederate,
and wears long cloak)
H'st - would you know your king?
No, I'm too hungry to see straight.
(Enter entire court, Sir Wiley Gyle and Oz. Oz goes to
Welcome, my faithful subjects, to our second daily
This is the last he'll ever give.
We will proceed as usual with our marvelous magic basket.
Now then Citizens, watch him. I will prove how you have been
tricked for years by this imposter. Watch! Watch him! Watch
(Ad lib scene)
You all know that the basket contains nothing but glimmering
knives --if there's any doubt step forward and examine the
You all know that I have no confederate. Now will some
gentleman kindly step forward and assist me. Anyone at all.
Anyone at all. I don't give a---- I don't care who it is.
(Bus with Pastoria. Shoving him down towards basket.
Bus of Guard offering to assist. Ignore him)
Thank you - a little bit slow. I'll have to take this man.
What's the matter Dinny, have ye been indulgin'?
(Forcing Pastoria into basket)
in the basket. Now he's in the basket... We immediately
turn the basket over.
We take our time in turning the basket over.
(Bus. Turns it over with assistance)
Now we secure the dangerous burnin' acid.
(bus. Sees basket is nailed)
Just a minute. I think one of the glimmering knives is
(To Pastoria inside)
Dinny, you're late.
Dinny, we're up against it.
Go on, we're just dying to see you do the trick again.
Yes, and Dinny will be dead if I DO do it again.
Watch him, it's WONDERFUL. Go on, pour it, pour it, pour
I refuse to reign and pour at the same time.
Then drive him out of Oz!
Wait! Wait! He'll do it.
Go on! Go on!
(Bus with sword)
Dinny, watch yourself! Watch yourself.
(Drives sword into basket. Basket is turned
up and Pastoria falls out. Commotion in crowd.)
This is not the Confederate. Who is this man?
I am Pastoria the Second.
Pastoria in that dress?
It's the costume of the man who guarded that imposter's
tricks. You all know me now. I am Pastoria
to denounce that man and claim the throne!
-:- FINALE -:-
STAR OF MY NATIVE LAND.
-:- "THE WIZARD OF OZ" -:-
-:- ACT III -:-
SCENE:- Edge of the domain of Oz. Draw
bridge L.U.E. Large tree R. The
roots of tree have turned upward
and form a cage. The scene is a
study in purple.
AT RISE:- SOLDIERS led by OFFICERS enter L.1
E. and X. Sentry is left at bridge
Soldiers march off up R. Officer enter
guard house over R. Cooks and Waitresses
enter across bridge
COOKS' AND WAITRESSES' NUMBER.
(Officers enter from guard house R. at end of
Who are you, and where do you come from?
We are cooks and waitresses and maids of all work.
And we're looking for an intelligence office.
In your travels have you met any suspicious characters?
meet is suspicious.
Why the last people I worked for wouldn't believe that one
mouse could steal a cold boiled ham.
I'm talking of escaped prisoners - enemies of King Pastoria.
They broke out of the jail at Oz.
When did they escape?
Yesterday. There's a big reward for them.
What do they look like?
Read the royal proclamation over there.
(Points to Bulletin board up L.C. with proclamation
You'll find their full description.
(Girls rush up to bulletin board)
(Officers exit down L.
(Sentry faces up stage and watches girls)
(Mounting on stool beside bulletin)
Oh, girls, it's a thousand gold pieces for the one who
(Tin-man and Scarecrow enter down R. Music for entrance.
Tin-man is disguised as a burlesque chaffeur. Scarecrow
in costume of various light colored articles which might
be stolen from a clothes' line. They see the group
up stage and draw back to cover of guard house)
Once across that bridge and we win. Do you think we've been
missed at the prison?
Missed? My boy, when we left that prison all the cells were
From this description we ought to know this prisoner if we
(Scarecrow and Tin-man listen)
What does he look like?
"He has folding bed knees, and a face like a fightened
(Aside to Scarecrow)
(Aside to Tin-man)
Did you ever see a frightened buckwheat cake?
Yes; while the cream was being whipped.
Come, Harold, it's over the river with us.
(They go up to bridge. Sentry halts them)
What's the matter?
We haven't been told.
I've got it. This is a toll bridge and we can't go over
until we've been told.
'Tis a merry jest, but I see no change in you.
You see no change in me, because I'm broke.
(Xing to Sentry)
What's the toll?
One fong? This must be Chinese money.
(Tin-man Xes to c. Scarecrow Xes to Sentry)
Do you charge for anybody under five.
That fixes me. I'm just nine days' old.
Yes, but I'm large for my age. You may not believe it, but
I was born just nine days ago.
(With evident suspicious)
That don't go. And neither do you.
Can't you trust us for two measly fongs?
Not unless you leave your auto for security.
I haven't got one.
Haven't got an auto, with that hat?
Oh, every man who wears a sailor cap don't own a yacht.
(Goes C. to them)
What are you fellers, anyway?
Yes; or I'm likely to arrest you.
I'm a smoke inspector in a painless dental parlor.
And I'm a switchman in a ladies' hair emporium.
You don't seem to be telling the truth.
(Goes back to bridge)
(Aside to Scarecrow)
If I could find Little Dottie and the others they might
Take a look for them.
(Pushes Tin-man R.)
I'll wait for you here.
(Tin-man exits E. Scarecrow motions to him after
he is off. Girls turn down stage)
Better leave these runaway prisoners to the police and spend
time getting places.
Shall we advertise first? Here are our ads, all ready for
the want columns.
Here's a chance to turn the toll.
This is where my brains come in.
(Aloud, advancing C.)
Excuse me, ladies, but why advertise?
We all need positions.
Here are the ads we are going to publish.
(Hands paper to Scarecrow)
I know, you want everything - except work.
You must have kept an agency.
"A young German girl would like to give Russian lessons to a
Swedish deaf mute in a refined Italian family."
"A neat and willing girl would like a position as a
in a family where the washing is sent out."
"A refined brunette will give good advice in exchange for a
"An epileptic French dressmaker would like employment. Fits
"A tired blonde will teach the rest cure to a wealthy aged
couple. No objection to being adopted."
"An experienced worker would like to work an inexperienced
young married couple."
Don't know of a few families who want girls like these?
I don't know of any that
them, but a good many may have
to have them.
But you can surely place a first class cook like me.
What's your specialty?
My pies are something to be remembered.
Some pies can never be forgotten. I'll tell you about one.
THE TRAVELLER AND THE PIE.
(Scarecrow and girls)
One day a weary traveller walked down a village street,
Did he? I think he did.
He thought he stop and ask a lady for a bite to eat.
Did he? I think he did.
He knocked upon a door and said in accents so polite,
I'm very hungry and I hope you'll let me have a bite,
Oh, you shall have my pie the young wife answered in
Did she? I think she did.
Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,
The hungry luckless traveller
He took one little bite and next minute took to flight
Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
A travelling man once told his wife he on the road must go.
Did he? I think he did.
And then he stayed in town and took a lady to the show.
Did he? I think he did.
He did it out of charity,
His heart was very kind
But when the usher showed his seat
He was surprised to find
His wife, with another chap,
Was seated just behind.
Was she? Oh, joy!
Oh, the weary, hungry traveller,
The hungry luckless traveller,
She murmered "You're untrue"
But he answered "So are you."
Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
(At end of song girls exit)
There! They've gone and I'm still shy the toll.
(Tin-man enters R.)
No. Didn't find anything but a book.
What is the book?
"A Happy Home". In six parts.
Who broke it up?
What's a happy home got to do with a flat?
The woman who owns this book can find out anything she wants
(Officer enters with Sentry who points to both.
Officer watches them suspiciously)
I'd hate to be her husband.
For example - Chapter 9 - how to fry eggs. Chapter 12,
The married woman's pocket book.
There's nothing in it. Go on.
Chapter 14. How to make ice water last.
That's easy. Make everything else first. Brains.
Chapter 20. What to do when Baby swallows an alarm clock.
I might try to sell it for enough to pay this toll.
We are book agents. I have here a book that no hungry man
should be without.
It has four plates and a canvas back.
I think you're two of the rebels names in that proclamation.
(Pointing to proclamation)
You tell your story with a straight front.
A straight front? Excuse me, my figure is all my own.
I'll arrest you both on suspicion.
Take them in.
(Soldiers step to each side of Scarecrow and Tin-man)
This is all a mistake.
To the cage with them.
(Scarecrow is marched to steps of cage with Tin-man)
Get me a handwriting expert; he can prove by my signature
that I'm somebody else, and that I died last year.
(They are put into cage or guardhouse. Sentry and
exit C. Officer remains.)
I say, this is wrong. We are not poll parrots.
If I was a swearing man I'd say, "Dash it all; we're up in the
What a glorious chance to study the language of the birds
It's certain we've caught two of the rebels. The others are
not far off. Let no one pass that bridge.
(Jingling of chains as drawbridge is let down.
Enter Sentry and a file of soldiers, escorting The
Wizard and Sir Wiley, who are dressed as convicts
with ball and chain at ankles. Pastoria follows them
dressed in royal purple robes, but with plasters across
his face and one black eye)
Halt! Let me enjoy their misery a moment longer.
(To Wizard and Sir Wiley)
My, but you look good.
If I wasn't a stickler for the truth I'd say "Ditto."
Have any of the other escaped prisoners been captured?
(Pointing to cage)
We've got the What-was-it, and the What-is-it in the cage.
(Going to cage)
Good! My joy increases.
Isn't he easily pleased?
(Pastoria returns to the Wizard)
So you're a wizard, eh? Come, - let me show you a trick.
How to make the dust fly. Ha, ha, ha, give them brooms,
men. Give them brooms, and let them perform the trick.
(Soldiers bring street brooms for Wizard and Sir
(Throwing down broom)
I'm no housemaid. I don't want your broom!
Pick that up, or I'll have you flogged. Pick it up, Sir
pick it up! Pick it up!
(Gyle picks up broom reluctantly)
Of the two evils he chooses the broom.
My, my but you look funny. Ha, ha, ha.
(Enter Tryxie in riding habit)
Why so merry, dear Pasty?
Look at my new street cleaning gang. Ha, ha, ha, Aren't
they a sight for sore eyes?
I hate to see that old chap punished.
Because he gave me the best laugh of my life. It was he
Pasty dear, it was he that---
Oh, my, that nailed up the bottom of the Wizard's basket
just before you got in it.
(Sir Wiley laughs.)
Bruno take that laughing hyena away. Put him to work on the
(Soldiers exit across bridge with Sir Wiley and the
Wizard. They carry the brooms on their shoulders)
Right face - forward - march!
(Scarecrow and Tin-man wave their hands from cage
to them as they exit and exit Officer)
And now, Pasty, my boy.
Please cut the word "Pasty" out of your vocabulary. Remember
if you please, that I am a King. His Majesty, Pastoria Rex.
That's all right for laying stones and opening expositions.
But none of "Your Majesty" in mine, Pasty.
And don't you want to be a queen?
Pasty, you were one of the sweetest motormen
I ever knew, but as a King you won't do at all.
Your blue blood gives me the blues. For my part, I don't
even know who my grandfather was, so I've nothing to be
Tryxie, if you desert me now my life will be as empty as a
Summer resort at Christmas.
Can't help it. I'm not crochetting any worsted ties for you
Won't you kiss and make up?
Then don't kiss, just make up. You do that so well.
(Stamping her foot)
To me, your King? Very well, we part here. I'll go back to
my throne, and you can go back to your dairy kitchen, once
more a biscuit shooter - and you might have been a queen.
That's nothing. If I had stayed at home I might have been
head waitress at a lunch counter by this time.
My, but isn't she sassy! I'll bet she's a regular Must You.
For Goodness sake, what's a Must you?
I'm afraid to tell you, you might get the habit.
We'll try not to.
Well here's a yarn about one.
Tin-man AND GIRL -
(Enter Dashemoff and Dorothy R.2.)
Here we are at last. See, there's the drawbridge. This is
the frontier of Pastoria's dominion. Once over that bridge
and we'll be free from him, and in another day we'll be safe in
land of Galinda, the Good.
See, a big reward is offered for our capture. Pastoria is
doing his best to get us again.
They've caught Oz and Wiley Gyle and they're working on the
street-cleaning chain gang. But come on, it's dangerous
I wish we could find our old friends the Scarecrow and the
Tin-man and take them with us.
(At window in cage)
Hi there somebody. I can't sleep in this room. The mice are
stealing my filling.
What are you doing in there?
You can't do anything in here but time.
And the Tin-man! Here's a fix.
We can't go away and leave them in prison.
I'd like to put myself out to help you.
Don't worry. We'll stand by you.
After being well shaken.
I'm awfully sorry. If we can't get you out we'll stay here
and go back to Oz with you.
Ah, Dottie that touches my heart. If Sir Daily hadn't
spoken first I'd fall dead in love with you.
If we're to attempt a rescue let's get at it.
We can set the Scarecrow free to begin with.
Oh, never mind about me. Dottie, if you have a pair of
scissors with you send 'em up on the elevator.
(Looking in reticule)
Scissors? Yes, here they are.
Here's a paper of pins, and a needle and thread.
(Drops them from window)
What have these to do with setting the Scarecrow
I'm going to cut him to pieces and pass him through these
Wouldn't think any more of it than a cold in my head. He
can drop my pieces out of the window - you hide them in
that wash basket and carry 'em off and pin 'em together
But won't that be seriously fatal?
Not unless you lose some of me.
He ought to be done over like a mattress once a year anyway.
It's an awful risk, and I'm so fond of the Scarecrow. He
owes his life to me. If I hadn't wished him into existence
he'd still be scaring the birdies.
How about the sentries?
(Nodding toward L.U.)
Are you good at sprinting?
Then dash across that bridge withou† paying your toll, and
lead them a chase. Now get to work.
(Dash. saunters up L. and talks to Sentry
while Dor. ties scissors to a string lowered
from window of cage by Tin-man and arranges wash basket
beneath window. Dash. suddenly pushes by Sentry
and runs off across bridge. Sentry pursues calling:
"Help, Stop thief.")
(Cooks and waitresses run on R. and watch the pursuit.)
I wonder who's escaping?
Maybe one of those rebels.
He has a fine lead, they'll never catch him now.
Do you know him?
He's my sweetheart. We're wandering minstrels. He writes
the songs and I sing them.
Love songs, of course?
"HONEY MY SWEET."
Dorothy & Chorus.
(Tin-man whistles from window. Dor. Xes to guardhouse.)
The Scarecrow is all carved, and ready to serve.
Will you have some wing, or some second joint?
(Tin-man drops a leg and an arm out of window. Dor. puts
them in basket. Cynthia enters L.1.)
What are you doing there?
(Tin-man continues to hand down pieces of Scarecrow)
S-sh--! We're rescuing the Scarecrow. It was a hard problem
You seem to be doing it in fractions.
'Tis I, the Lady Lunatic. How does the Scarecrow feel about
Oh, he's all broke up. That'll be about all, Dottie.
(Dor. covers basket)
Are you sure I've got all of him?
I think so. Wait - well, I'll be hanged.
I forgot his head. Here it is.
How careless of you. Had we lost that he would have had to
go through life without a head.
(Taking Dor. aside)
Have you known that tin gentleman long?
There's something about him that reminds me of my long lost
(Xing to basket)
Help me, Cynthia.
(They start to L. carrying basket between them. Officer
enters, looks at them. Stops)
Where are you going with that basket?
To yonder garden, to gather geese berries for a plum pudding.
That basket isn't yours. Put it down - Put it down.
(They drop basket)
(Officer Xes to it, picks up cover)
What's all this rubbish? Officer, take it and dump it in
(Soldier steps forward, picks up basket, carries
it up to bridge and throws it and contents into river)
(Bus. for Tin-man during this bus.)
(Falling into Cynthia's arms)
He is lost!
(Going up L.)
By George! What does this mean? Where are the sentries?
Where is the guardian of the bridge and the cage? There is
some mischief afoot. What ho! Guards!
(Rushes off, over bridge L.U.)
He is gone, and has left the key in the door. Come down
(Tin-man comes down out of cage and rushes to bridge)
What a calamity! What a calamity!
Has any of him drifted away?
There goes his leg. Quick, give me a crab net.
This will give him an awful cold.
(Throwing body of dummy on stage)
There's his body. Put that near the fire to dry.
Oh, don't do that.
I wonder if he would mind being run through a clothes wringer.
(Tin-man, who has thrown on Scarecrow's arms and legs
enters coming down stage with Scarecrow's head)
And here's his brains. Soaked, but otherwise intact. My!
But you're pretty. Quick, let's put him together.
Where? We'll be seen here.
Hide him in the Sentry box.
(Moves Sentry box to L.C.)
What will we start with - his legs?
No, let us put his head up first, then he can tell us if we
are putting him together right.
That's so. I can't tell his arms from his legs anyway.
(Bus. putting head in place in cabinet)
There! Right in line again.
Will you take the water out of my ear?
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you speak again.
Hurry, you're wasting time.
Let me have an arm next, I want to scratch my nose.
(Showing a leg)
What is that - right or left?
Let me see. Put that in the left corner.
Look out. Here come the soldiers.
(With right leg under his arm)
Stay here. Don't run away.
(Exit Tin-man and Cynthia. Exit Dorothy L.
Soldiers cross from R. to L. Tin-man re-enters
L. still holding leg of Dummy)
Now then, I'll throw the rest at you - quick!
(Fixes remainder of dummy)
(When complete, Scarecrow steps forward. Bus.)
How do you feel now?
Like a wet scrambled egg. Is my face on straight?
Yes. Wasn't you frightened?
A trifle. I tried to stay collected, but I couldn't. Unless
you put a few more pins in my neck, I'm liable to lose my
Old friend, welcome back to me. I'm so happy I could sing
for---- well, I'm not going to frighten you by telling you
(Scarecrow and Tin-man and exit)
(Enter Sentry and Sir Wiley and Oz. Oz and Sir Wiley
with ball and chain,. and still in convict suits and
wearing burlesque "White wing" helmets and carrying
street brooms on shoulders)
(Bus. They stop suddenly)
Get to work there you rascals.
That's good. What next?
You can polish up this square for a few hours.
Here's a fine finish for a King.
A nice job! Manicuring boulevards.
And me massaging side-walks.
A nice come-down for both of us.
If anybody asks me what I'm doing I'll tell 'em I'm in
business on the
But just now we're working on the square.
If I ran for King now I could sweep the country without any
Wouldn't this be a lovely thing to give up for Lent?
(Tin-man enters R. followed by Cynthia)
(Presenting piccolo to him)
One moment. Would you oblige me with a short selection?
A piccolo. With that one Niccolo Chopper won my heart long
(Tin-man blows a note or two of "Niccolo's Piccolo")
Is that the way it works?
I seem to have done this before.
(Blows a few stray notes, then plays refrain of
'Tis he! My Niccolo!
Ah, it all comes back to me, now. My heart beats madly
and tells me you are my former fiancee - the beauteous Cynthia,
who kept the alligator counter in the department store.
Right! Take me to your copper fastened bosom.
At last, my new heart has a chance to work.
(Enters L.1. Sees Wizard and Gyle sweeping)
Sporty boys, aren't they? Going out for a brush on the speedway.
You'd better raise a little dust yourself or you'll get into
this business, too.
Why didn't you follow us?
We couldn't. We met Pastoria and he invited us to a ball;
and now we've got something on foot that we can't get rid of.
(Bus. swinging ball on chain over arm)
(Dor. enters R.)
(Dash. enters over bridge L.U.)
I gave them the slip in the woods on the other side of the
river. Come on - the way is clear, and it's now or never.
(Soldiers enter with Pastoria and form up
near bridge L.U.)
Aha, once more my prisoners!
This time I'll take no chances. What ho! Me headsman!
(Headsman with axe, and two attendants bearing
block, enter up L. All in crimson)
The men to the block! The women to the prison!
I'm all out of that. May have some to-morrow; none to-day.
Go on with the execution.
Good bye, Dottie.
Good bye, little girl.
There's only one hope. They witch who saved us once may
do so again. Locusta, aid us!
(Attendants seize Dashemoff)
Halt! The child who calls me shall be answered. For her
do I invoke the aid of those mysterious powers who rule
this mystic clime. Mighty Galinda, ruler of Storm and Calm,
grant me, thy humble servant, one more boon -- spread infinite
darkness o'er the land so that the victims of this tyrant
may escape beneath its sheltering cloak; and send the spirits
of the air to bear this child, my ward and charge, back to
the far-off home from which they brought her.
What! Another cyclone? My country could never stand that.
You and your companions are at liberty to depart whenever
-:- FINALE -:-