OH, BOY by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse Lyrics by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse Music by Jerome Kern Produced at the Princess Theatre, N.Y., 20 Feb, 1907 Cast Briggs (Geo Budds Valet) Character, Comedy Polly Andrus (Friend of Jim Marvin), Flapper Type Jim Marvin (Rounder), Juvenile George Budd (Young Clubman), Lead Lou Elle (Carter Budd's Fiancee), Lead Jackie Sampson (A fun lover), Ingenue Constable Simms (the Town Law Rube), Comedy Miss Penelope Budd (A Quaker Spinster), Character Comedy Jude Daniels Carter (An Old Devil), Character Mrs. Carter (Grande Dame) Waiter, Bit ACT ONE BACHELOR APARTMENT OF GEORGE BUDD AT SMALL VILLAGE NEAR TOWN. TIME: EIGHT. ACT TWO THE MEADOWSIDES COUNTRY CLUB. TIME: NEXT AFTERNOON ACT ONE Note Curtain rises to music of "Old Fashioned Wife". Briggs is standing R. of C. with back to audience. Door bell rings off L. Briggs goes to door, as he crosses boys and girls are seen out of window on fire escape. They watch Briggs sign for telegram, and as he turns, they hide. Briggs picks up fly swatter and starts to chase fly. Boys and girls hide as he starts to exit R 2. Then two boys step in window R. and L. and help girls in... Girls go R and L peering in and out. Then come down. Boys enter and dress back of stage. OPENING ENSEMBLE. Jim (ENTER AFTER OPENING WITH POLLY) Hello Boys and girls. Girls Hello Jim.. Jim.. Jim (AD LIB) Jim Have you routed him out yet? Girls Haven't looked yet. Jim We'll find him in his little downy bed. George is one of those quiet chaps ... Very unsophisticated Never goes out. Fast asleep every night at ten. Polly Oh surely not after the night his pal Jim Marvin led the Elks debating team to victory. Jim It means nothing in George's young life that we won to night. Now keep quiet, we are going to give the old boy the surprise of his young life. Yonder in his chaste white bed room. Now when I count to three call him. (X SWITCH R.) One two three. All George! (LIGHTS UP) Jim (OPENS DOOR PEEKS IN. GETS RID OF HAT WHILE HE DOES SO) What do you know about that? He isn't here. All (DISGUSTED) Oh h h Jim But that's all right we'll go into the dining room and pop open a few quarts of the best. Polly Are you sure George won't mind? Jim Mind? Why George would share his last wife with me. You know I saved his life once. (OFFERS ARM TO POLLY STARTS R. ALL FOLLOW SINGING STRAIN OF OPENING OR "HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" AND EXIT R. CLOSING DOOR) Lou (ENTER L 2. SHE IS SMILING HAPPILY... PAUSES LOOKS AROUND AND THEN CROSSES R.C.) George (ENTERS AFTER SHE CROSSES. DROPS HER BAG BY TABLE AND PLACES HAT ON TABLE LE... THEN RUSHES TO HER EMBRACE) My Lambkin! Lou Oh George! Geo. I wonder did did anyone see us come in here? Lou Not a soul. Don't be so nervous dear. Geo. I was all right until I heard the minister say "WILT THOU GEORGE" and I did. Lou. Did what? Geo. Wilted. Lou. Oh! How thrilling it is to elope. I'd like to do it every day. Geo. Lou Ellen! Lou I mean with you dear. (EMBRACE) My great big cave man. Geo. My little squaw. Lou. George I read in the papers this morning that a man from Boreneo can buy a wife for three dollars. Isn't that awful? Geo. Oh I don't know I think a really good wife is worth three dollars. Lou Why George! Geo. I don't mean you. You're worth your weight in gold. (TAKES HER FACE IN HANDS AND KISSES HER ON TOP OF HEAD) Lou (PULLS AWAY) Silly old George. Now I've got powder all over your shoulder. Geo. (BRUSHING IT OFF) That's all right. Powder always brushes off easily. Lou George How do you know it will? Geo. Well I took the Chemisty course at college. Lou Oh I just can't help worrying about your past. Geo. I'm afraid my past was a very dark one. Lou George! Geo. Because you weren't there to brighten it, Lou. Lou. Oh George. (CROSS AND PUT HAT ON TABLE) Geo. Come Dear I want to show you the apartment. (EXIT) Double "You never knew about me" (After Double phone rings.. Off stage all call Ad Lib... Jim answers the phone. Jim enters R crosses to phone)... Hello... Who? Oh the Landlord. No this isn't Mr. Budd. Mr. Budd is out. A lot of girls? You bet there are. Regular Himdingers.. Won't you come up and join us. Briggs (Enters R 2.) Jim. Oh naughty naughty. That's not a pretty way to talk. Take that. (HANGS UP RECEIVER WITH A BANG AND SITS BY TABLE L....SEES BRIGGS) The landlord Briggs, Phoning from downstairs. OFFSTAGE (SINGING RAIN NO MORE) Briggs What's all this going on in the dining room Mr. Marvin? Jim. Just a gay little party. We're celebrating the golfing victory. Briggs But the landlord will never stand for it sir. He'll jolly well call the blooming Police sir. Jim Yes. That's what he just told me. Polly. (ENTER R.) Oh Jim. Have you anything that will open a can of sardines? OFFSTAGE Never mind Polly. I found a razor that opens them very nicely. Briggs Oh the Master's Razor! Jim Isn't it jolly to see the little dears having such a good time, Briggs? Briggs. Well I can't say as I gets much kick out of it sir. Jim Nonsense. What you and Mr. Budd both need is a little wholesome feminine society. Briggs No thanks. I've had enough of girls. I've been dodging them ever since I was a blue eyed boy. Polly Perhaps you have never met the right one. Briggs They're all alike. When nature makes a bloomer she sticks to it. (EXIT L) Jim Nature's mistake is not making enough girls. Polly I see. You wish they grew on trees. Jim That's the idea. I want a garden where I can gather a whole bunch of American beauties, before breakfast every morning. (EXIT WITH POLLY R. CLOSE DOOR LOUD TALK OFF STAGE) Lou. (ENTER X TO DESK) While you are packing your bag I'll write a note to Father and Mother telling them what we've done. Geo. (OVER L. BY TABLE) What we've not done? Lou (CROSSING TOWARD HIM) About our elopement I mean (SEES TELEGRAM) Oh Darling there's a telegram for you. Geo. (LOOKING AROUND) Where? Lou Don't you see, stuck on that statue. Geo. (STARTS FOR WIRE) Lou No Dear. Let me take it off. I don't quiet approve of you having a statue like that in your room. Geo (HANGS HAT ON STATUE TO COVER IT AND STANDS BACK OF TABLE) Lou That's better. Geo. (HOLDING OUT HAND FOR WIRE) But Darling Lou No dear I'll open it. Mother told me if I ever get married to be sure to open all my husband's telegrams. She said it's the only safe way. Geo. (MEEKLY) Yes Dear. Lou (READING) Your letters fill me with dismay. Commit no rash act until you have seen me. Arrive at thy home to morrow morning. Love Aunt Penelope. Geo. (Coming down L of table.. Takes wire) Good Lord. Lou What does this mean? Geo Aunt Penelope is my Guardian (X R) I wrote her and told her that I had met the one girl in the world (PLACE ARM AROUND HER) and was trying to get up courage enough to ask her to marry me. Lou That's what she means by rash deed? Geo. If she called getting engaged a rash deed what will she call getting married. Lou George as much as I hate to say it we will have to postpone our Honey Moon. (X L) Geo. Oh no. Lou Oh yes. She will never forgive you if you aren't here to receive her. Geo. Oh I can't help that. Lou Didn't you tell me that she had charge of your family estate? Geo. Yes But she can cut me off with my allowance if she wants to. The deuce with Aunt Penelope and our money...... This is our bridal night. (KISS HER) Lou (STARTS TO CRY) No George. You must be brave and take me home. Geo. Must I? Lou Yes. Where is my bag? Geo. Oh leave your bag here sweetie. Then we can get away at a minute's notice. Lou All right. (X TO BELOW TABLE) First I am going to take out the picture of my dear George. I am going to sleep with your dear face right beside me to night. (TAKES OUT PICTURE AND KISSES IT) Geo. Don't Darling. Lou (TAKES OUT FANCY BLUE SUIT OF PAJAMAS.. LAYS THEM ACROSS ARM NEAREST HIM) Geo. (BUS) Oh... OH... Lou (HOLDING THEM TOWARD HIM) They're pretty aren't they? Geo. (TAKES THEM) Beautiful oh... My lamb. (THEY UNROLL AND SLIPPERS FALL OUT) Your dear little slippers. (GETS TO KNEES AND PLACES THEM SIDE BY SIDE) Resting beside mine... Oh my darling. (RISES AND STARTS TOWARD HER) Jim (OFF STAGE SINGING WITH BUNCH) Won't go home until morning... (CLAPPING HANDS AND ETC.) Lou (CLUTCHES HIM) What's that! (PICKS UP PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS AND PUTS THEM IN BAG) Geo. Some people in the dining room. (CROSSES R. PEEKS CAUTIOUSLY COMES BACK) It's that idiot Jim Marvin. He's giving a party in my rooms...Quick. I think he saw me. Go into the bedroom dear. Lou Bedroom? Geo. (OPENS DOOR L.3.) Yes. Here. Lou (EX. L.3.) Geo. (STANDS IN FRONT OF DOOR) Jim (ENTER R.2.) Ah there you are old Tortoise. Geo. What does this mean Jim? Jim A little surprise party. (JIM IS RATHER BOILED) Geo. (COMING C.) Now Jim I...... Jim Don't thank me. Geo. I wasn't going to. Jim We were out celebrating the great golfing vic. and I... I thought of you all alone here.... And I said "let's share our fun with old George" and here we are. Geo. (SARCASTIC) It's damn nice of you. Jim. You're welk... Entirely Welk... (BUS) Those darn girls have entirely mussed up my marcel wave. (STARTS TO BEDROOM) Have you got a brush in your bedroom? Geo. (STARTS UP IN FRONT OF HIM) No I don't use a brush. Jim A comb then. Geo. I comb my fingers through my hair... It's better for the scalp. Jim George you ain't well. Geo. (WATCHING DOOR NERVOUSLY) I... I feel perfectly well. Jim He.. He.. You're as nervous as a bride groom. (OFF STAGE) (OH JIM YOU'RE SPOILING THE PARTY. COME ON BACK) Jim (STARTS R. TURNING) By the way whom were you talking to just now? Geo. Oh I was talking to myself... I often do. Jim Gosh you're in worse shape than I thought. (POINTS TO BENCH) Sit down. Geo. (SITS) I'm all right really. Jim You don't want to wake up some morning and find yourself in the nut factory. Do you? Have you any other symptoms? Acid taste in the mouth? Cold feet...... Do you see floating spots? Show me your tongue. Geo. (RISING IMPATIENTLY TALKING) I wish you'd go away and leave me alone. (GOES R. AS IF TO OPEN DOOR FOR JIM) Jim (FOLLOWING) Oh don't be ridiculous.....Come in and join the party and be our little ray of sunshine.... These are nice girls! Geo. (LOU STICKS HEAD OUT OF DOOR. GEO. SEES HER. STARTS SINGING) Go back... Go back.... Into your ponk cocoon. Lou (EXITS) Geo. (PANTOMINE BUS) Jim Hey what's the idea? Geo. What idea? Jim The outburst of song. Geo. Was I singing... Unconscious... Quiet unconscious. Jim You are going to have a nervous breakdown. You're on the verge of neurea Thenia. Polly (ENTERS WITH GIRLS.) Oh Jim. Why didn't you come back? (GIRLS EXIT) Jim Ladies allow me to introduce Mr. Geo. Budd, the human sunbeam. Miss Polly Andrews and her gang. (ASIDE TO GIRLS) Nervous wreck. Very melancholy. Cheer him up. Make a fuss over him. Girls (GATHERING AROUND GEO.) How do you do Mr. Budd? We've heard so much about you. (AD LIB) Geo. (BUS LOOKING AT DOOR. BREAKS AWAY FROM GIRLS TO JIM) Jim (TRIES TO SHAKE HANDS) Geo. I've met you haven't I? (GIRLS GO UP TO WINDOW) Polly (X'S TO BRIGGS) Geo. (TO JIM) Now look what a mess you've got me into. Jim Oh, cheer up, little one. I'll go with you and interview this money grabber. The honeyed word.. the beaming smile. Just leave it to me. (EXIT WITH GEO. L.2.) Polly (OVER TO WINDOW..HOLDING HAND OUT) Oh, look it's started raining. Lou (PEEPS OUT DOOR. HAS COAT AND HAT IN HAND. TRIES TO STEAL OUT DOOR.) Polly (SEES LOU.) Why, who's the little girl? (GETS HOLD & BRINGS LOU D.C.) Lou Oh, excuse me. Polly Did you come to the party? Lou Ye..yes. Polly (R. OF LOU) Well, you're too late. I'm afraid it's all over. Lou (STARTS FOR DOOR AGAIN) Well, then I guess I may as well go home. Polly Oh, no, we'll go back to the Cherry Tree Inn Cabaret as soon as Mr. Marving comes back. Lou I never go to Cabarets. Polly No. Why not? Lou My..my husband wouldn't like it. Polly O...h, you're married? Lou Yes, I'm married. Polly Well, cheer up. Don't let it make you morbid. Love, honor, and be gay is the vow the modern wife takes. Lou But I'm an old fashioned wife. I promised to obey my husband. Girls How perfectly foolish. Polly (SEATS LOU AND STANDS BEHIND HER.) POLLY'S NUMBER "AN OLD FASHIONED WIFE" ALL EXIT George (EN. L.2. FOLLOWED BY JIM.) Now, Jim you've got to clear those girls out in five minutes. You heard what I said. Jim (CROSSING R.C.) All right all right. Geo. (CENTER) And tell them to go down the kitchen stairs. I'm going out in a few minutes myself, and I don't want to meet them. Jim You're a fine host...I'll have to square it with them some way. I know...we'll take them to the country club tomorrow. That will make them forget being thrown out of here tonight. Geo. I'm not going to the country club. Jim Oh yes you are. I'm going to be presented with an Elks' head for winning the Debate, and, besides, a prominent Judge is going to make the presentation speech. Geo. I hate speeches. Jim But this old Johnny is in a class by himself. He always winds up by saying "Waiter, give me the check". Boys Off Stage Oh, Jim, come on. Jim (STARTS TO EXIT R.2.) Geo. (FOLLOWING OVER) But, Jim........ Jim Some other time. (EXITS.) Lou (ENTER FROM BEDROOM WITH HAT ON) George, has that man gone? Geo. Yes, now's our chance to get away. Lou (COMING C. TO HIM) George. I'm not sure that I liked the way that you hid me in that room. Geo. But, Petty, it was the only thing to do. Lou But, you did it so naturally. Just as if you'd had lots of practice. (X R. TO USE MIRROR.) Geo. We must hurry, dearest. Lou Just a second, George, there's a mouse in that room. Geo. Yes? (X L.) Lou Just a moment, dear, have you any cheese? Geo. Cheese? Are you hungry? Lou No, for the mouse. You ought to set a trap. (BUSY WITH PERSONAL APPEARANCE.) Geo. I must get you home. Aren't you ready now, darling? Lou Dearest, haven't I been telling you for the last five minutes that I would be ready in a second? Geo. Just think...parted like this on our bridal night. Lou Oh, you make me cry. Geo. But it won't be long. Lou I hope not. (MUSIC) "WANT TO BE A GOOD LITTLE WIFE" GEO. & LOU EXIT L.2.2 NUMBER THREE. (AFTER NUMBER....LOUD GLASS CRASH...HUB BUB OF TALK OFF R.U. JACKEY APPEARS AT WINDOW L. ENTERS DRESSED IN HANDSOME EVENING GOWN AND OPERA COAT........SHE CROSSES AND STARTS TO OPEN DOOR R. JIM IS HEARD TELLING GIRLS GOOD NIGHT.) Jim We'll meet about half past nine. That's all right. Jackey (HEARS VOICES...HIDES BEHIND CURTAIN R.C.) Jim. (ENTER R.2. CLOSING DOOR AFTER HIM) Briggs (SEES OPEN WINDOW... EXITS UP TO IT TALKING MEANWHILE) Huh, window wide open and burglars could come right in...then what would old Geo. say? (CLOSES WINDOW AND TURNS TO FIND HIMSELF COVERED WITH JACKEY'S REVOLVER.) Jackey (WATCHES JIM AS SOON AS BACK IS TURNED AND WHEN HE CLOSES WINDOW... STEPS OUT AND COVERS HIM.) Don't make any noise or cry out...I am a desperate woman. Jim Great Scott! Jackey I think you'd bet...better hold up your hands. Jim Anything to be obliging. (PUTS UP HANDS) Say, you're all gotten up to kill, aren't you? Jackey Now, don't kid me, or I'll cry. OFF STAGE (DOOR SLAMS OR LOUD KNOCK) Jackey (FRIGHTENED..DROPS REVOLVER.) What's that? Jim (PICKS UP REVOLVER) Pardon, is this yours? Jackey (TAKES REVOLVER..POINTS IT AT JIM) Jim (PUTS UP HANDS AGAIN) Jackey Thank you. Jim Don't mention it. Jackey I'm so frightened...What shall I do? (Xs TO DESK.) Jim Do? Go right ahead...take everything that isn't nailed down. It doesn't belong to me. Jackey You don't think that I am a burglar? Jim No, oh no, of course not, I rather fancied that you dropped in for tea. Jackey I'm trying to escape from the police. Jim What has the police force got against you? Jackey I hit him in the eye. Jim Oh I say....don't you think that was a little injudish? Jackey What? Jim Striking an officer means a year in the penitentiery. Jackey It was all Tootles' fault. Jim Tootle? What kind of a drink is Tootle? (X TO HER.) Jackey I was up at the Cherrytree Inn having supper. (POINTS GUN... JIM'S HANDS GO UP.) At a nearby table was a party of old gentlemen. One of them kept talking to me and asked me to call him Tootles....pet name you know. Jim I imagine that Tootles had been taking a long lingering look at the wine when it was red. Jackey Yes, he had. (GUN ON HIM.) He stood on a table and insisted on reading a speech that he said he was going to deliver at some affair tomorrow. He had just started when the policeman came in and told him he would have to keep quiet. Jim And that made Tootles sore? Jackey Did it? He turned that policeman around and kicked him. (TURNS AND ILLUSTRATES IT.) Jim And that made the policeman sore? Jackey Well, it must have bruised him. Oh it was terrible. The policeman grabbed me, and I ......hit him. Then I got away and the policeman after me.. I ran and ran...Then I saw the fire escape and that window open....so I came in. (TURNS AWAY BUS.) Jim Bully for you. Jackey (STARTS UP TO WINDOW.) Jim Please don't go. And tell me, why the Big Bertha? Jackey This? (GUN) Oh I picked it up when the policeman dropped it during the excitement....though I hardly remember doing it. Jim Better give it to me. (SHE DOES) You don't need to hold a gun on me. (HE TURNS...HER HANDS GO UP) Any scrape you get into (PUTS GUN INTO POCKET) you can count on my co op. Jackey That's awfully kind of you, Mr. Mr......... Jim Marvin....Jim Marvin is my name. Jackey Mine is Jackey Sampson. Jim Howdedo, Jackey. Jackey Hello, Jim. Jim Jackie Sampson? Sounds familiar. Jackey I suppose. I'm in that Morality play at the Lyceum this week. (TAKES OFF COAT AND PUTS IT DOWN ON BENCH L...ALSO BLUE SCARF.. DOING SO TURNS BACK TO AUDIENCE AND SHOWS MOLE ON NECK.) I play Modesty. Jim Must be a darn fine actress. Jackey I beg your pardon. Simms (KNOCK OFF STAGE) Jackey (JUMPING TO C.) Oh, what's that? Simms Open this yere door. Jackey It's the policeman. Simms (RINGS BELL INTERMITTENTLY) Jim I can handle him...Don't be nervous. Come back, Jackey, be a man. Jackey I...I'll try. (CROSSES TO DOOR R.) Simms Wake up and open this yere door. Jim Let me talk to him. You know the honeyed word...the beaming smile, but I think you'd better hide. Jackey (EXIT IN DOOR. TAKES COAT BUT LEAVES SCARF.) Jim (VERY BRAVE...WHISTLES AND TAKES TIME..CROSSES L. AND OPENS DOOR) Simms (GLARES AT JIM.) Jim (CATCHES LOOK AND GOES UPSTAGE) Have a chair. Simms I'm looking for a woman that assaulted me that that woman was seen entering this window. (GOING UP TO WINDOW) Jim (MOVING OVER R.2.) Nonsense old dear, nonsense. Simms I tell you she did. (START SNOOPING AROUND ROOM...PICKS UP JACKEY'S SCARF.) AH...HA....What's this? Jim What old thing? Simms This here (SMELLS IT) IS A WOMAN'S SCARF. Jim Why so it is......I... Simms (LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE.) Yi....Yi....Yi....... Jim (ASIDE) Oh, damn...(TO SIMMS) Well. Simms So there's a woman here. Who is she? (CROSSES L. OF JIM. THROWS SCARF ON BENCH.) Jim This is Mr. George Budd's home. Where else would you expect his wife to be? Simms I never knowed Mr. Budd was married. Jim I admit he doesn't give that impression. Simms I want to look at this Mrs. Budd. Jim No use, Constable, she loves her husband. Simms Now here now here don't try to elucidate me, I got to see her. (STARTS) Jim (HOLDING UP HAND TO STOP HIM.) Simms Young man, you are obstructin the law. (TURNS UP VEST AT BOTTOM SHOWING BADGE.) Jim I didn't get it the first time, may I have another flash? Simms (SHOWS BADGE AGAIN) Jim Mr. Budd is not home. SimmsHain't eh. Well, I got too much to do to stand around waiting for him. But I won't have much trouble tracking that female as assaulted me. (GOES L) Jim Why, have you got her description? Simms No, but I got her bag. Jim Her name is in it? Simms No. Jim Do you know what she looks like? Simms Well, no......I ain't very sure. You know, I always take my specks off before I mix it in a rough house, so I'm kinder uncertain bout both them criminiles. Jim That's tough. Simms Well, I'll be steppin'. (SCRATCHES CHIN.) Mebbe I'll be back later. (UP TO DOOR.) Jim Take my advice and give the eye a little beefsteak party. Simms Uh....huh....Say how did Mr. Budd ever fix it with his wife so he could stay out so late? My old woman wouldn't stand for it. Jim I didn't know you were married. Simms Oh, I'm one of those close mouthed fellows. I keep my troubles to myself. (EXIT L.2.) Jim I'll see you out, Constable. (EXIT AFTER SIMMS.) NUMBER Jim (ENTER L.2. AFTER NUMBER.) Jackey (ENTER R.) My bag...he has my bag. Jim I suppose so. Jackey Oh, what shall I do now? Jim Was there anything much in your bag? Jackey Anything much? Five hundred dollars, two diamond stuffed garters, vanity case, 200 cigar coupons, and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG GIRL OUT TO KNOW." But worst of all....a rabbit's foot. Jim A rabbit's foot? Jackey Off a rabbit that was shot at full moon in a graveyard. Jim Great scott! (LAUGHS) Are you supertish? Jackey Why you abreviate your words? Jim Oh, just a hab. Jackey Oh, I hate to lose that rabbit's foot. Jim Don't worry, I'll get it back for you. Now see here, if we could only get old Tootles to come forward and tell the truth, he can clear you. Jackey You're just wonderful to go to all this trouble for a person you don't even know! Jim I feel like I've known you always. Jackey That's funny, I do, too. Jim Perhaps we've met before. Jackey Perhaps. When I was Queen of Babylon, and you were a Christian slave. Jim (LAUGHING) Well we've met this time and we're going to be pals. Jackey That's it...pals. (JACKEY OFFERS HAND WHICH HE TAKES) DOUBLE "PAL LIKE YOU" Briggs (ENTER FROM R.U.) Well, I'm blowed. (SEES JACKEY'S SCARF.) Those gay young parties still hanging around? (WINDS CLOCK. GOES UP TO BEDROOM DOOR....KNOCK...PAUSE...KNOCK AGAIN.) Mr. Budd, I'm going home. I set the alarm for nine o'clock. (TO L.2. GRUMBLING) Might as well talk to a bloomin' Hegyptian Spink. (EXIT L.2.) Jim (ENTER WITH JACKEY.) Jackey Who was that knocking? Jim George's man, Briggs, he only comes in for the day. Jackey Are you going to hunt for Tootles now? Jim (R. OF HER) Yes, I am off to find Tootles. Jackey What shall I do? Jim You stay right here. Jackey How long? Jim All night. It's terrible sloppy outside, besides Simms is snooping around and would be very suspish if you went out now. Jackey But where shall I sleep? (X L.) Jim In George's room. Jackey In George's room?............and where is George? Jim Went out to avoid some girls I had up here. Hates girls....George does. Jackey You mean he's coming back? Jim Of course he is, but you must explain that he is to come over and sleep on the sofa at my place. (EXIT TO DOOR R.) Jackey (FOLLOWING) Oh I see. He won't object. Jim Not a bit...George will do anything for me. You see, I saved his life once. By the way are you hungry? Jackey No, but I'm dreadfully tired. Jim Well, turn in and make yourself comfy. George may be very late. Jackey All right. You had better leave me now or the Inn will be closed. Jim You're right. I'll pop around in the morning and report any success. I'm on my search for Tootles. Jackey Thank you. Jim (STARTS FOR DOOR...TURNS AND WHISPERS LOUDLY) I'm going down the back way, so Simms won't see me. Jackey (APING HIM) All right. Jim Good night. Jackey Good night. Jim (EXIT CLOSING DOOR SOFTLY) Jackey (OPENS DOOR TO BEDROOM...PEEPS IN THEN TURNS AND STARTS FOR SCARF... SEES LOU'S BAG....OPENS IT.....TAKES OUT PAJAMAS AND HOLDS THEM UP) So George hates girls...Oh, boy. (LIGHTS...THROWS PAJAMAS ACROSS ARM..PICKS UP ELECTRIC CANDLESTICK AND EXITS TO DOOR) >Well, they're better than nothing. (EXITS IN BEDROOM CLOSES DOOR.) NUMBER Geo. (ENTER L. HAS TOP COAT AND HAT...BUS AS IF SHAKING RAIN FROM THEM AS HE REMOVES THEM....CROSSED TO DESK...PANTOMINE WRITING NOTE.) Jackey (AS GEORGE WRITES SHE ENTERS AND STANDS WATCHING HIM...HAS ON PAJAMAS......WHEN HE SEALS NOTE) Are you Mr. Budd? How do you do. I'm your wife. Geo. Jim was right in having a nervous breakdown. Jackey I was afraid it would be a rather shock to you, but Mr. Marvin said you wouldn't mind. Geo. Are you real? (RISES) Jackey Why, of course. Geo. (LIGHTS) Well, just to make sure, would you mind if I pinched you? (COMES DOWN R. OF HER) Jackey Indeed I would. You see, I climbed into your rooms to save myself from the police. Geo. The police? Jackey Yes, I was mixed up in a fight. Not my fault.....and Mr. Marvin thought it was safer for me to stay here all night. Geo. Oh, he did? Jackey Yes, and he said you were to sleep at his house. Geo. Oh, that nice comfortable sofa...horse hair...with three broken springs, I suppose. Jackey I believe he did mention a sofa. Geo. Tell me. Who did you say you were when you came in? Jackey Your wife. That was Mr. Marvin's inspiration also when the police insisted on searching the place. Geo. Great scott! Jackey You're not angry? Geo. Not with you, but I'd like to wring Jim Marvin's infernal neck. Jackey I hope you don't mind me wearing your pajamas? Geo. My pajamas? Jackey Yes, aren't they yours? Geo. Well...in sort of a way.....they're mine. Jackey In a sort of way. Geo. Well er you see, I don't wear them myself. Jackey (TEASINGLY) OH Geo........I'm afraid Jim doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does. Geo. Why....nothing of the sort...Why, really you don't understand. Simms (ENTER THROUGH C.D. WEARING RAINCOAT) Jackey (SEES SIMMS AND JUMPS DOWN STAGE BELOW DESK.) Simms Good evenin' hope I ain't buttin' in. (COMES C.) Jackey Oh! Simms Gave you a start, didn't I, Missy? You seem kinder scared. Jackey Well, it naturally frightened me seeing a strange man walk in like that. Ask him what he means by intruding on our privacy, darling? Geo. What? Simms You, Mr. Budd? Geo. Yes. Simms This Mrs. Budd? Jackey Why, of course, I'm Mrs. Budd. (TO GEORGE) Surely, Sweetheart, this man hasn't the right to break into our little nest like this? Simms I ain't interferin' with your nest, so come off your perch. (MOTION FOR HER TO EXIT L.) I want you to answer me trueful....Is this Mrs. Budd? Geo. Why....ye....yes. Jackey (COMING R. OF SIMMS) Didn't I just tell you I was Mrs. Budd? Simms Well, I thought maybe you was lying. Jackey George, are you going to stand there and let this man insult your wife? Geo. MY wife wouldn't lie, Constable. Simms No? Geo. No, she has too much honor. Simms Too much on her? If she had on much less I'd pinch her. Jackey Will you kindly go? Simms Just one question...Has she got a mole on her back? Geo. (LAUGHING) I don't know. Simms Don't know? George Well, we haven't been married long. Simms Oh...oh. (L. OF GEORGE TURNS TO JACKEY) I'm looking for a woman with a mole where her middle dress button ought to be. I ain't got much of an idea of what she looks like otherwise, but I did get some good view of the geography of her back. Geo. What do you want the woman for? Simms For assaulting me. I got a warrant for her arrest. Geo. But surely, you don't think this...er...my wife insulted you? Jackey (X AND LEAN ON GEO.) Simms Not if she is your wife. Feller down stairs told me you were a bachelor. Geo. He's right...I was. Simms When did you go wrong? Geo. Today. Simms Today? I'm telling you straight, young man, I don't believe you. Geo. You don't? Wait....Here's my Marriage Certificate. (TAKES OUT PAPER AND HANDS IT TO SIMMS) Simms (TAKES PAPER...LOOKS AT IT) Marriage Certificate....That's right.... That's the Union Label...Doggone it..That settles it.... I apologize. I am sure buttin in (EXIT TO DOOR L.2. TURN) Say the pajamas of yours certainly are becoming. Think I'll have to get some for my old woman. (EXIT L.2.) Jackey What a splendid idea....always carry a Marriage Certificate in your pocket. You never can tell when it will come in handy, can you? I'm so grateful....I don't know how I can ever repay you. (STARTS TO HIM.) Geo. (RETREATS A LITTLE) I'd better be going now....(RAIN) Jackey You've been so good to me...and after turning you out of your room, too. It doesn't seem fair. Geo. That's all right...don't mention it again. Jackey Thank you all the same. RAIN EFFECT HERE. INTRO. "CLOUDS ROLL BY" CLOSE IN AFTER FINALE. (PULL AWAY...ROOM IS FLOODED WITH SUNSHINE..BRIGGS IS ENTERED L.2. GOES TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS) Nine o'clock, Mr. Budd. (RING AT DOORBELL...BRIGGS STARTS ACROSS TO DOOR) Nice time to be wallowing in bed. (OPENS DOOR) Carter (ENTER) Good morning. Briggs Lovely, sir. Carter I want to see Mr. Budd. Briggs What name? Carter Carter. Judge Carter. Briggs I'm afraid sir he's still in the arms of Morpheus. Carter Get him out of them right away. Briggs Yes Sir (X AND KNOCK) excuse me there is a gentleman out here who would rather like to see you. (KNOCKS AGAIN.) Carter Who insists on seeing him. Briggs Who insists on seeing you. Do you wish the gentleman to come in? Carter He's a mighty sound sleeper. Briggs If he is sleeping. Carter What do you mean? Briggs (LOOKING IN KEY HOLE) The key hole isn't stopped up any way (SNIFF) I can smell no gas. Carter GOOD HEAVENS! You surely don't think....... Briggs Acted very strangely last night he did. Had a look about him like Poor Uncle Joe's 'ad the day he swallowed Rat Poison. Carter But he has just become engaged to my daughter. Briggs Ah, that may account for it. I was afraid he might have done something rash. (PEEP IN KEYHOLE AGAIN.) Geo. (ENTER R.2....COAT ON ARM...HAT IN HAND) What are you doing there, Briggs? Briggs & Carter (BOTH TURN SHARPLY) Carter Are you Mr. Budd? Geo. Yes. Carter I am Judge Carter. Geo. (NERVOUSLY) Judge Carter? I am glad to meet you (TO BRIGGS) That will do, Briggs. Briggs Yes, sir. (EXIT R.U.) Carter Mr. Budd, my daughter Lou Ellen informed me early this morning that you and she were engaged, and I dropped in to meet you. Geo. Do you think this is an auspicious moment? Carter Not very. I've been out all night with some old class mates and only had an hour of sleep. I want to ask you a few questions right now. Geo. Suppose we take a spin in your motor? The fresh air will do your headache good. Carter What do you mean, my headache? Geo. I beg your pardon, I mean my headache. Carter Well, why not my headache, I'm sure it's a damn site more of a headache than yours. Geo. My headache begins at the soles of my feet and gets worse all the way up. Carter Get your coat and come along. Geo. All right. (STARTS UP C.....STOPS) I forgot....I can't get my coat. Carter Why not? Geo. It's in my bedroom, and I can't go in there. Carter Can't go in your own bedroom? (ASIDE) Must have a hangover. Geo. Well you see...er...no... Carter Young man, what have you got in your bedroom? Geo. (DOWN TO CARTER) Why...er....chemicals. Carter What? Tell me....are you going to keep explosives in your bedroom after you are married? Geo. I hope it won't be necessary. Carter Is it dangerous to go in there? Geo. Very. It's filtering through. Mustn't be jarred..even walking across the floor might cause a catastrophe. Carter Young man, I think we will meet at some other place later on. Geo. Anywhere you like, sir. Carter (STARTS L. AND STOPS)By the way..Lou Ellen informed me she was bringing her mother here a little later on. Geo. Bringing her here? Carter But I shall head them off. Geo. Yes...do...it wouldn't be safe for them here. DOOR BELL RINGS. Geo. Come in. Polly (ENTER WITH SIX GIRLS) Carter (GOES UP R. OF TABLE) Polly Hello, George, are we early? Geo. Very early. Polly Jim said you had invited us to the Country Club for luncheon. (X.C.) Carter (BUS.....PRIMPING.....X.L.C.) Geo. To the Country Club? Did I? Girls Of course, you did...yes....sure. Polly (CONFIDENTIALLY) George, introduce me to the man with the India Rubber Face. Geo. Ladies, this is Judge Carter. Polly & Girls Hello, Judge, glad to know you......ad lib. Carter (BOWING) Ladies, (TO GEO.) I beg your pardon, but I feel out of place in this whirl of gayety....see you later at the Inn. Ladies, good morning. (EXIT L.2.) Briggs (ENTER R.) Bless my soul if ere isn't them little Parties again. Geo. What's that, Briggs? (AS BRIGGS TALKS TRIES TO STOP HIM) Briggs Your breakfast is laid out in the Dining Room, Sir. Polly I'm so hungry. Geo. You're always hungry. Briggs There's quite a good sized omelette, sir. Polly Good for you, Jiggs....(GRABS GEO.) Come on, Georgie...let's eat, girls. (EXIT IN DINING ROOM) Briggs My eye! What is the Master coming to? (EXIT AFTER THEM) NUMBER Briggs (ENTER CARRYING NAPKIN) My eyes never saw such gluttons hin hall my life. Geo. (ENTER) Briggs, are you good at entertaining ladies? Briggs Well, sir in my wicked days I was known as "Wicked Willie With the Winning Wink". I was rather a dog among the fair sex. Geo. (POINTING) Well go in there and be a dog among them now. Snap at 'em bite 'em. Briggs (HORRIFIED) BITE! Eh? Me, sir? (TO DINING ROOM DOOR AND PEER IN.) Geo. (TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCK) Tell me are you all dressed? Briggs Well hi ope to tell you hi ham, sir. (BUS) Woy's missin? Geo. (COMES L. PICKS UP CUSHION) I wasn't talking to you. I was speaking to a lady in my bedroom. Briggs My eye! A young lady in your bedroom? Geo. Yes......have you any objections? Briggs Yes, sir, I was raised respectable. Jackey (ENTER...WEARING A BERBINED PETTICOAT THAT LOOKS LIKE A SKIRT..... AND LOU'S BREAKFAST JACKET) Good morning, George. Geo. Good morning. Jackey You wonderful man, I found this lovely breakfast jacket in your room you seem to have everything.....enough to equip a bride in that little bag of yours. Briggs My eye. Geo. (STERNLY) That will do, Briggs. Briggs Yes, sir. (EXIT R.2.) Jim (ENTER L.2. CARRIES SUITBOX WRAPPED.) Geo. (X WITH JACKEY AND PEEPS IN DOOR WHERE GIRLS MADE EXIT) Compared to Jim Solomon was a woman hater. Jim So that's the idea....trying to queer me and boost your own stock. Jackey Mornin, Jim. Jim Mornin, Jackey, here is a gown for you. I figured you'd want something besides that evening gown. Geo. How thoughtful. Jim Sure, and I've got a clue who Tootles is (TAKES OUT PAPER) This was found on the floor at the Inn after the battle. Jackey (TAKES PAPER AND READS) And what, my friends does the stars and stripes stand for? It stands for....why this is Tootle's speech. Jim Those are the papers. With them I am prepared to face the sneaking villain. Jackey How will you find him? Jim Elementary...my dear Watson....the honeyed word.....the beaming smile....Leave it to your Uncle Sherlock. (X.L. EXIT.) Briggs (ENTER R.2.) Geo. (LOOKING AT WATCH) Briggs, go to the station and watch. If you see an elderly lady get off the train, hold her there. Tell her this place is being fumigated or something. Briggs (SNIFFING) It could stand fumigating, too......if you ask me. Lou (OFF L.) Here we are, Mother dear. This is George's apartment. Geo. (ALL EXCITED) Wait a minute (PUSHES JACKEY IN BEDROOM...THROWS HIM'S BOX AFTER HER.....CLOSES DOOR....GETS BOX....LIES ON BENCH, APPARENTLY DEEPLY INTERESTED) All right. Briggs (X...OPENS DOOR...STANDS ASIDE OF IT.) Mrs. Carter (ENTERS .....LONGETTE IN HAND) Is Mr. Budd in? Briggs Yes, ma'am. Lou (ENTERS) There he is, Mother...hard at work...George Geo. (LOOKING UP ASTONISHED..SPRINGS TO FEET) Oh, it's you, dear. Lou (CROSSES R.C.) George, this is Mother. Geo. (NERVOUSLY...COMES ACROSS...SHAKES HAND WITH MRS. CARTER) How do you do Mother. Mrs. Carter Good morning (VERY COLD) Mr. Budd. Geo. Briggs, shut that window, it's rather chilly here. Briggs (STARTS FOR WINDOW...STOPS AND LOOKS AT GEORGE) My eye. (EXIT R.U.) Geo. (TO MRS. CARTER) Won't you sit down? Lou I told Mother and Father about our engagement. Mrs. Carter (SITS MAJESTICALLY) Tell me, young man, can you support a family? Geo. How many of you are there? Mrs. Carter Perhaps I should have begun with the question of Mr. Budd's morals. Geo. My mor....my what did you say? Mrs. Carter MORALS...M..O..R..A..L..S..MORALS. I presume you at least know what they are. (X R.) Geo. I was brought up by a Quaker Aunt, and I try to live according to the rules laid down by the Quakers. Polly (ENTERS WITH GIRLS MAKING LOT OF NOISE) Oh, George, where are the rest of those delightful sandwiches we had last night. Mrs. Carter (RISES AND COMES A STEP DOWN...LOU RISES) Who...may I ask are these? Geo. These ah, these. They are some friends of Jim Marvin's. Where is Jim? Jim Hey Geo. (ENTER...L.2.) Isn't it time we started? Mrs. Carter What are you doing with those persons in your apartment, Mr. George Budd? Jackey (SCREAMS LOUDLY IN BEDROOM.) Lou What's that? Jackey (RUNS FROM ROOM) George, there's a mouse in your room. (THROWS ARMS AROUND GEORGE'S NECK.....ALL GIRLS LEAP ON AVAILABLE FURNITURE HOLDING SKIRTS.) Mrs. Carter Mr. Budd, there seems to be ladies in every nook and corner of your apartment. What does this mean? Jackey And to think I slept with it all night! All All night? Geo. Stop (BRACING UP) .....This (JACKEY) is my aunt. Mrs. Carter Your what? Geo. My aunt......my quaker aunt. Mrs. Carter (TO LOU) Very funny. Geo. Yes, we often laugh about it, don't we, auntie, ha...ha..(POKES JACKEY IN RIBS.) Jackey (LOOKING STUPIDLY AT WINDOW) Yes...often...ha..ha..ha.. Lou Oh, George, your aunt is so different from what I imagined. Jackey Thought I was an old fluff with a cap and horn rimmed windshields, I suppose. Lou (SHOWS SURPRISE) Geo. (CLOSE UP TO JACKEY) Quaker! Quaker! Jackey (TO LOU) Hast thou seen much of Quakers, child. Lou Only one or two, but very different from you. Jackey Oh, well, they belong to the old part, I am a 1927 model. Mrs. Carter Come, Lou, we are merely inviting contamination here. It is time we left. (X TO DOOR.) Lou (GOING OVER TO JACKEY) Won't you come with us to the Country Club, Miss Budd? Girls (AD LIB.) Yes, please come. Men Please do. Judge (RINGS DOORBELL OFF L.) Geo. Come in. Carter (ENTER L.2.) Ah, there you are, my dear, I missed you. Geo. (COMING DOWN) I want to present my aunt, Miss Budd. Jackey (TURNS SEES CARTER) Tootles! All Tootles? Carter I beg your pardon but Mrs. Carter (COMING L. OF JUDGE) What do you mean by Tootles? Geo. Tootles is quaker for....HOW DO YOU DO. Carter (TO JACKEY) Are you a quaker? Jackey Yea, bo! Carter I must be going. I have to read an address at a meeting this afternoon. (STARTS L.2.) Jackey Please don't go. I wish to converse with thee. Carter I'm sorry, but I must prepare my speech. (Exits L.2.) Jackey (STARTS TO FOLLOW..MEETS MRS. CARTER) I do so want to know thy judge better. Mrs. Carter Oh, do you? And I should like to know you better....much better. Geo. (R. of C.) Yes, I must tell you all about auntie as soon as we have time. INTRO. "YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ME." Jackey (SINGING TO MRS. CARTER) Thee never heard about me, friend, and I never heard about thee. Geo. I'd have some explanation in the court of conservation, but it slipped from my mind as things do. Girls How peculiar. Geo. My memory is awful...it's true. Girls Not a doubt of it. Lou Well, never mind..now's the time. All My, of course it is. Lou To show hospitality. All To show hospitality. Yes, we will show you round town today. We'll all be gay during your stay. Lou Or if you'd rather chat with Father, that is just for you to say. All So if you'd rather talk to Father, or would he be in the way? WE'LL SHOW YOU ROUND THE TOWN. ALL ROUND AND UP AND DOWN. IF YOU'LL ONLY WAIT. WE NEVER HOPED TO FIND.... YOU WERE THE SPORTING KIND. THIS IS SIMPLY GREAT WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE.... FAR AND NEAR..WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE DON'T YOU FEAR. LEAVE IT ALL TO US. WE KNOW WHERE TO GO. WE'LL ARRANGE IT SO THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT. NOW! (ALL EXIT BUT GEO. AND JACKEY) Jackey Goodbye (AFTER ENSEMBLE) Come on, George. Geo. You're not going? Jackey Yes, I am. If Tootles is Judge Carter, he can square me with the police. (STARTS FOR L.2.) Geo. But in those clothes? Jackey You'll have to dodge into my hotel and get me a dress. Geo. But where will you put it on? Jackey Aren't there any woods between here and the courthouse? Geo. Yes, then you won't need me. Jackey Oh, yes, I do. I need you to hook me up. Geo. (JAMS HAT ON HEAD) Then come on. (TAKES HER ARM AND EXITS AS CURTAIN FALLS.) ACT TWO (OPENING) "LAND WHERE THE GOOD SONGS GO." Briggs (AFTER OPENING ENTER R.U. CROSSES L.C.) Simms (ENTER AFTER BRIGGS) Hey, one minute. Can't come in here without a ticket I tell you. Briggs I've got to. Simms Say, if you're trying to invite trouble, just say R.S.V.P. (RAISES VEST FLAPS AND SHOWS BADGE.) Briggs No thanks, I've had enough fightin for one day. Simms Been fightin, have you? Briggs A woman hit me in the eye. Now I must tell Mr. Budd she escaped. Simms Escaped? You talk like she was a tiger. Briggs That's wot she was. Any time the dentist wants a plan of her teeth, he'll find it on my arm. Simms Maybe it's the same woman I'm looking for. Give me her description. (TAKES OUT BOOK AND PENCIL.) Briggs Rather pretty eyes. Simms What color? Briggs Same as mine. Simms (BUS) Eyes...A watery blue. Ears? Briggs Same as mine. Simms Aeroplane ears. Color of hair? Briggs Same as yours. Simms Hair a beautiful brown. Briggs My eye! I'll talk to you afterwards. (STARTS UP L.) Simms You won't find Mr. Budd in there. Briggs No? Simms No. That's the ladies' swimming pool. Briggs The ladies' swimming pool? Don't you think I'd better take a peek to make sure? Simms Come here. Briggs (COMES L. OF HIM) Something tells me it's my duty to look. Simms Tain't no use. The swimming pool ain't in use today. I just looked. (X.R.) Geo. (ENTER WITH JACKEY R.U. TALKING) Simms Here you...tickets....where are your tickets? Geo. (STARTS LOOKING IN POCKETS.) Simms Oh, it's Mr. & Mrs. budd. Geo. SH.....SH. Simms How are you, Mrs. Budd? Jackey Splendid, thank you. What are you doing here? Simms I'm here to keep an eye on those silver cups and prizes. Jackey (X.L. OF SIMMS) Oh, of course. Simms (DROPPING DOWN TO HER) Mrs. Budd...I've been thinking a lot about them pyjamas of yours. Geo. (X. GOES TO SIMMS) Constable...please! Simms That's all right...we're all married folks, ain't we? Took my eye ..... them pyjamas did...told Mrs. Simms about 'em....She says she'd like to have the pattern. Jackey All right, you shall have it. (TO GEO.) Can't you find those tickets, Duskie? Geo. I can't remember where I put them, Love. (PULLS OUT BUNCH OF TICKETS) Ah, here they are. (HANDS THEM TO SIMMS.) Jackey How many are there? Simms I don't know...Let's see. (TOPPLES TICKETS BESIDE EAR) Thirty four. Geo. (LAUGHING) Have you caught the woman who assaulted you yet, Constable? Simms No, but I will. (X. to R.U.) Don't forget that pyjama pattern, Mrs. Budd. (EXIT) Geo. Great Scott! If anyone hears him calling you Mrs. Budd, we're sunk. Jackey You did the silliest thing when you introduced me as your aunt. You should have stuck to Jim's story. Jim Good heavens what are you two turtle doves doing here? Geo. Oh it's you. Jackey I've found Tootles. Jim Where is he? Jackey He's somewhere in the clubhouse. He's here with his wife and daughter. Jim Isn't that great? (SLAPS GEO. ON SHOULDER) Now we can clear Jackey and she will be all right. Geo. Yes she'll be all right..I was thinking of myself. (X.R.) Jim Don't worry if your luck is bad it's bound to turn. Geo. Oh yes my luck turns and bites me. (X R.C.) Jim The original gloom. Jackey And you're sunny Jim I suppose? Jim That's it Jackey and we'll go through life on the joy wagon. If you'll marry me. Jackey I'll think about it. Jim Oh say..Why think..You've been slinging me all kinds of encouragement. Jackey Isn't it funny? Give a man a smile and he thinks it gives him a right to murder every other male creature on your visiting list. SPECIALTY Carter (AFTER SPECIALTY ENTER WITH MANUSCRIPT OF SPEECH R.2. SIT R. OF TABLE.. RINGS TAP BELL WITHOUT LOOKING AROUND.) Mrs. Carter (ENTER L.U.) Oh here you are James I've been looking everywhere for you. Carter Well I've been in there. Mrs. Carter What's that? (WAITER ENTER L.2. WITH TRAY COMES R. OF C.) Carter (ANSWERING MRS) Oh nothing. Waiter Nothing. Carter Nothing. Waiter Nothing. (EXIT L.2.) Mrs. Carter Now see here, James. (X. AND SITS L. OF TABLE.) This man Budd is engaged to our daughter is nothing but a libertine. Carter (BUSY WITH MANUSCRIPT) Oh, nonsense. Mrs. Carter I tell you he is. Why he seizes upon this golfing vistory as an excuse for a rowdy party. Carter I haven't time to discuss now. I must finish this speech. Mrs. Carter I tell you, James Carter. (BANGS TABLE ...RINGS BELL....PUSHES IT AWAY FROM HER.) That speech means nothing compared to your daughter's future. Carter I wish you were going to make it. You have an endless flow of chatter. Mrs. Carter What do you mean? Waiter (ENTER L.) Carter Nothing. Waiter Nothing? Carter Nothing. Waiter Nothing. (EXIT L.) Geo. (ENTER R.) Oh, hello Judge, there is a young lady in the next room who wishes to see you again. Carter Cut the young lady stuff. (UP TO HIM.) Mrs. Carter And who is this young lady who is anxious to see my husband again? Geo. Just an admiree of his speeches. (TO CAR.) By the way, she has one of your speeches now. Mrs. Carter (X.C.) I trust she will be able to enjoy the one he is to make this afternoon. Carter (RISE AND MOVE L.) I doubt if I shall speak today. My headache is getting steadily worse. Lou (EN. C.) Hello, Georgie.....where is that cute aunt of yours? Geo. At home she is very modest and retiring. Mrs. Carter She hasn't evidently spent much time in your society. Geo. Oh, but she has...I used to say my prayers on her knee. Mrs. Carter I understood you to say she was younger than yourself. Geo. Oh...ah...well, a woman seems so much older than a man. Carter (DROPPING ON SETTEE) Save the women first. Mrs. Carter (ANGRY AD LIB.) Is that so? I hadn't noticed it. Lou (TO GEO.) Let's go out and watch Miss Wills at tennis, dear, come. Mrs. Carter (X.C.) Mr. Budd, we have decided that you are not a fit companion for Lou Ellen. In the future you will refrain from addressing her. Should she be so unfortunate as to meet you. Any other communication you wish to have with her shall be through her father or myself. I am now going to retire to the tea room; I feel the need of a little refreshment. Carter (RINGS BELL) Me, too. Waiter (ENTERS L....STANDS AND LOOKS AT CAR. WHO DOES NOT SEE HIM.) Mrs. Carter You understand, Mr. Budd? Geo. Yes ma'am. Waiter Nothing. (EXIT L.) Mrs. Carter (EXITS L.) Lou Daddy.......... Carter Go to your mother. Lou (X. R.....TURNS...LOOKS AT GEO.....THROWS KISS...EXIT R.) Geo. Judge Carter, I wish that you'd tell Lou Ellen that I shall wait 'till the final blast of Gabriel's trumpet for her. My love shall never die. (EXIT C.) Carter Oh damn! (RINGS BELL...PICKS UP SPEECH.) Waiter (ENTER L.) Carter Well? Waiter Nothing. (EXIT L.) Carter (LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE HIM EXIT) Hey come back here.....confound that boy. (X.L.) Waiter...Oh what's the use? Jackey (ENTER R.) (SEES CARTER) Tootles, dear. Carter Good heavens! Jackey How's the old bean? Carter Bean? Jackey What with two quarts of wine and the bang it got in the scrimmage I sadly fear (X. TO HIM) today's speech will not be up to standards. (PACE) And what, my friends, does the stars and stripes stand for? Carter You have my speech. Give it to me. Jackey What? Give up my wonderful souvenier of that wonderful evening. Oh, no. Carter (HAND IN POCKET) How much? Jackey (C.) $500.00....two diamond studded garters...a vanity case...200 cigar coupons. Carter Say when...say when. Jackey A rabbit's foot and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO KNOW." Carter Where shall I get those things? Jackey The policeman I helped you tackle grabbed my bag. In it are the articles mentioned. Carter You mean you will exchange my speech for your bag? (RISING.) Jackey (MOCKINGLY) You have grasped the scenario of the drummer. Carter (OVER TO HER.) But, my dear...it would be better if you should return the speech first thereby relieving my mind from anxiety, and I would be better able to wrestle with the problem of recovering your lost bag and its contents. Jackey Of course, I could trust you? Carter I have but one fault. Jackey Yes. So has a dime with a hole in it. Carter (TAKES HER HAND.) I am honest in this, my dear. Jackey Good. If you're trying to find out what size gloves I wear, they're sixes. Jim (ENTER R.C.) Carter May I have it now, little girl? Jim (COMING DOWN) Ah...ha...(BUS.) I seem to be intruding, so you love this old man? Jackey Jim...this is Tootles. Carter Since you insist, I shall find the Constable and see if I can get around him. I shall ply him with refreshments....liquid refreshments. I have little hope...still a drowning man will clutch at a straw. Jim Especially when he's drowning his troubles. Carter No use...troubles like my own can swim. (EXIT L.2.) Jim (GOING TO HER) Why did you let that old mugwump hold your paw? Jackey Repugnant as it was to my modest girlish nature, I endured his caresses that I might win his help in my dire predicament. (WITH MOCK SENTIMENT) Oh what we girls suffer! Jim Then let us flee from this scene of degradation to some happier, sunnier clime. Jackie Stop, Jim, stop. Remember I have a romantic, trusting nature, and you are carrying me away. Jim To Florida...where the orange trees are in bloom...where upon a grassy knoll we can lie and watch the evening star rising above... It's celestial. Jackey And...the orange petals...tell me of the orange petals...and. Jim Yes. Cleopat. Jackey (PUSHES JIM OVER) Tell me about the orange blossoms. Jim We're not married yet. Jackey Yah...us...ah. Jim Between us. Jackey Yah...us...ah. Jim Whadda ya mean "Yah...us...ah"? Between us would lie the green and...... Jackey Oh, Jim why do you want a sword between us? Jim Jackey... Jackey The young bride dreamed of resting on the orange scented slopes of Florida, but alas, wakes up to find herself hitting the hay in Boulder. DOUBLE "NESTING TIME IN FLATBUSH" Geo. (ENTER C. AFTER DOUBLE FOLLOWED BY BRIGGS...GEO..L.C.....BRIGGS R.C.) Didn't you understand what I told you about? I said "Keep my aunt there at any cost." Briggs My eye! I did, sir, at an awful cost. Geo. I told you to act crazy if necessary. Briggs Well, sir, I called her names...made faces...did monkey tricks.. but she kept calling out.."He's a maniac....he's a maniac." Geo. Why didn't you lock her in the kitchen? Briggs That's just where I left her, sir. Just as she picked up the flat iron. Geo. Now, don't tell me she tried to hit you with it. Briggs Oh, no, sir, I fancy she only wanted to smooth things over. Lou (ENTER C. STARTS L.2.) Geo. If she comes here, I'm lost. (SEES LOU...START) Lou Ellen. Lou So, George, you mustn't speak to me. You promised Mother you know...And you always said your promise was sacred. Geo. That true, Briggs? Briggs Sir? Geo. Will you ask Miss Carter is she is aware there is a new moon this evening? Lou Please tell Mr. Budd I am. Geo. Will you suggest to Miss Budd that she make a wish on the new moon. Briggs Wish for wot, sir? Geo. She knows what to wish for. Briggs Mr. Budd suggests that you make a wish on the new moon, Miss. Lou (WITH LOUD SIGH) Tell Mr. Budd I will. (WITH A LITTLE SQUEAK,) Briggs (MIMICKING HER) The lady says "I will." Geo. (ASIDE DREAMILY) "I will" how sweet those words from those dear lips. Briggs Oh, thank you, sir. Lou & Geo. (BOTH TURN TO BRIGGS ANGRILY.) Briggs (REALIZES MISTAKE AND EXITS HURRIEDLY R.2.) Jackey (ENTER C.) Oh, George. Lou Oh Miss Budd (GUSHINGLY) I am so glad to see you. Jackey How are you, Miss Carter? Geo. (OVER TO R. OF JACKEY) Quaker! Quaker! Jackey Hast thou been enjoying thyself? Lou Not a bit. Mother won't let me speak to George. Jackey What have they got against the poor gink? Lou Gink? Jackey (GEO. POKES JACKEY) A Quaker word........poor lad I should say. Simms (ENTER L.2.) How about the pajama pattern? Geo. (DISMAYED) It's coming....it's coming. Lou (IN WONDER) Pajama pattern? Jackey Thou shall have it, good man, I promise thee. Simms How's that? Jackey (CROSSING TO SIMMS) I will even give thy good wife mine if thee will only beat it. Simms Thee. Why do you call me thee? Jackey Yes, friend, of course. I called thee...thee. What should thee expect me to call thee but thee. Simms Wonder what Judge Carter put in them drinks he gave me? Oh, Mr. Budd, you remember that mole I was asking you about? Lou A...mole...dear? Geo. Yes. A little animal that burrows under lawns. Have you caught it yet, Simms? Simms No....no...I asked you if she had a mole on her back. (POINTS TO JACKEY) Geo. I never heard of any. (LOU SHOWS ANGER.) Simms Never heard? You don't find mole by listening for 'em...I mean a dark pimple. Jackey (X. QUICKLY TO LOU) Geo. (OVER TO SIMMS) Come with me, Simms. you need something to pull you together. (TAKES SIMMS ARM..LEADS HIM OFF L. AD LIBBING.) Lou What's the matter with him? Jackey Gone lame above the neck. (X. TO L. CALLS) Nephew...oh Nephew... send in two Bronx cocktails for me, please. Lou Do Quakers drink? Jackey It is permitted in case of illness. I suffer terribly with a REFLEX SURGASTRINORIUM. (ASIDE) I'm going to leave this. (TO LOU) When the drinks come, send them out on the porch. Lou Since you are feeling badly, I will see that you get a comfortable chair. Jackey I thank thee, my child. Thee shall get a star in thy crown for this. (BOTH EXIT C.) NUMBER PEN (ENTER C. AFTER NUMBER....LOOKS AROUND MEEKLY...SITS L.) Simms (OFF L.) I don't want it I tell you. I've had enough. (ENTER SEES PEN...STOPS AND STARES.) PEN What ails thee, friend? Why are thou staring at me? Simms Gosh, I've got 'em. Pen Thou acts very strangely. Simms Don't act that way...can't stand it. Pen Hast thou a list of people at this gathering? Simms Why dost thou ask..Damn it, you've got me talking that way now. Pen Hush, thou must not swear. That is the same wicked word that poor creature used when I struck him. Simms (STRAIGHTENING UP) Struck him? Tell me..have you got a mole on your back? Pen Sir? (RISING X.C.) Simms (SHOWS BADGE) You better answer...or painful as the duty will be. Pen If thou dares to try it. (STARTS AT HIM.) Simms (BRACING UP) No..no it couldn't have been you. It was a young one. Pen And to think how close I came to striking thee. It shows that there is still a lot of the old spirit in me. (X.C.) Simms (COMING FORWARD) Spirits? Lots of spirits in you? Pen Sir, I am a total abstainer. I cam hither to find my nephew. Simms What is your nephew's name? Pen George Budd. Simms GEORGE BUDD. Pen Yes, is he here? Simms Yes, he's in there with his wife. Pen Thee can't mean he's married? Simms I was introduced to his wife last night. Pen Surely thee must be mistaken. Simms Well, if I am, it's a pretty bad mistake. She was a sittin in his room in a pair of blue pyjamas. Pen (TURNS BACK) Pajamas? Oh, this is terrible...my little Geo..... go send him quickly. Simms Yessum. (STARTS) Pen And if thee will bring in a glass of water. I am quite overcome. Simms I'll send you out some lemonade. Pen I thank thee. Tell Mr. Budd his aunt....Penelope Budd. Simms Miss Envelopy Budd (STARTS TO EXIT L. STEPS ASIDE FOR POLLY) Gee, that's something nice in spring clothes. (EXIT.) Polly (LOOKING AFTER HIM.) I never could understand what cooks seen in policemen. (SIT R. OF TABLE.) Pen My child, what has he done to thee? Polly Oh, the clumsy thing let my dog bite him once. Pen How terrible! Polly Wasn't it? He's been follish every since. Pen Poor policeman. Polly Not the policeman; my dog. Waiter (ENTER L. WITH 3 COCKTAILS ON TRAY...TO POLLY) Miss Penelope Budd? Pen Here. Waiter (X.L. OF HER.) Mr. Budd ordered these for you. Pen Oh, how quick thou hast been. (TAKES ONE GLASS) What small glasses of lemonade. (DRINKS RAPIDLY.) Polly (BUS WITH LIPSTICK, POWDER PUFF ETC.) Pen (PUTS FIRST GLASS ON TRAY..WIPES MOUTH.) Polly (LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE BUS.) Lemonade..that's good! Pen Yes, very. Will thee have more? (DRINKS SECOND.) Polly No, thanks, I prefer a Willie's dream. Waiter Yes'm. Polly And not too much gin it it, little sun burst. Pen Gin? (TRIES TO RISE...BUS WITH KNEES...FINALLY WALKS R.) If thee would drink a harmless beverage like this. (GOES L. JUST REACHES TRAY...TAKES THIRD GLASS.) It would be quite sufficient. Can thee bring me a pitcher of this, waiter? Waiter (AMAZED) A pitcher? Sure. (X. IN FRONT OF POLLY SINGING "OH MAN SHE COULD WACKY WOO" EXIT L.) Pen What are thee doing, my dear? Polly There. Are my lips on straight? Pen Thou art very comely. What a beautiful dress thou hast on. Dost thou always wear pretty dresses? Polly Not after three in the morning. They tell me that I am all to the mustard in my pajamas. Pen Do thee wear blue pajamas? Polly I wear blue on Thursdays. Pen (THICKLY) Yesterday was Thursday. Polly And they are embroidered with Forget Me Nots. Pen George's favorite color. (ABOUT TO CRY.) Waiter (ENTER L. WITH PITCHER) Here's the handsome waiter, lady. (X TO PEN...SHE TAKES PITCHER...WAITER X.L. TO POLLY.) Polly Waiter take that away from her. She's half boiled now. Waiter Mr. Budd said, "Give her anything she wanted, Miss." Polly Oh, well girls will be girls. (EX. L.) Waiter Yep...just as long as boys are boys. (EX. AFTER POLLY.) Pen (WITH PITCHER.) My poor misguided George. (STARTS R. AND TRIPS LIGHT.) I can't believe it. It makes my head swim. (DRINKS AND ENTER TO TABLE HAS TROUBLE SETTING PITCHER DOWN. LOOKS AROUND.) I thought this was a room, but it's a merry go round. I haven't been on one since I was a child. (SERIOUSLY LIFTS FRONT OF [ILLEGIBLE] AND PULLS IT DOWN AGAIN.) I think I'll sit on this horse. (GOES TO [LLEGIBLE] AND STRADDLES IT.. BUS WITH [ILLEGIBLE] AGAIN.) A little undignified I suppose. Still you are only young once. Geo. (ENTERS SEES AUNT AND STANDS AGHAST.) Pen (SEES GEO. WAVES HANDKERCHIEF) Hello, Georgie, say I'm going to get the brass ring. Why don't you sit on the horse behind me when it comes round? Geo. (HELPING HER) That's all right, now you go to the ladies' room and lie down. Pen Now... I want to lay down right here. Geo. But in there you can pull the shades and make it dark. Pen All ri...shay, George...you haven't got a pair of blue pajamas I could borrow? Whoopee! Oh Boy! (EXIT L.) Simms (ENTER L.) Oh, Mr. Budd, about them blue pyjamas....Mrs. Budd said she'd give my old Lady a pair. But here's the question...will they fit? Geo. How on earth should I know? Simms I would say they weight about the same, but its distributed different. The old woman is built on the lines of a tadpole. Very much wasted. I guess I better call her and get her measurements. (SEES HANDBAG SITS DOWN...STARTS LOOKING THROUGH HANDBAG.) Jackey (ENTER L.) Georgie, they've. Geo. Sh... (POINTS TO CONSTABLE, EX. R.) Jackey (X.) What have you there, Constable? Simms Bag. Belongs to that female as assaulted me. If I can't trace her from this, my name ain't Ira Simms. Jackey I wonder if you can? (PICKS UP PIN.) Simms What's that? Jackey A pin. Simms That's funny. Here's a rabbit foot... The woman that owns this bag is superstitious, too. Jackey Well, I'm not. Simms Why did you pick up that pin? Jackey Pins are worth money. I know a man who makes six dollars a week picking up pins. Simms Gosh, how can he gather that many? Jackey He works at a bowling alley. Simms Aw, shucks. (U. TO L.) Right persnickity ain't you? (EX.) (GEO. ENTER R. U........JIM ENTERS C.) Geo. Jim, the most terrible thing has happened. Jim You are the original Campbell's soup kid...always getting in hot water. Now what is it? Geo. My aunt is here. Jim Here in the clubhouse? Geo. Yes. Jackey Mother, come get your angel child. (X.U.L.C.) Jim (DOWN R.) They are coming over the plate a bit fast, aren't they? Geo. Life is too complicated for me. I wish we were back in the Gold age. Jackey The stone age. I'd be running from you two cavemen now. Lou (OFF L.) George? Geo. (TO JACKEY) Outside quick. Jackey It's getting thicker. (EX. R.) Geo. Yes, darling. (GOES TO HER AS SHE ENTERS ...TRIES TO PLACE ARM AROUND HER.) Lou (REPULSES ARM) I have some questions to ask you. Geo. (NERVOUSLY) Questions? Lou I went to the Ladies' room just now and sat on the sofa... or rather I should have sat upon the sofa... instead I sat on a solid subtance which proved to be a woman's head. Geo. Terrible! We must notify the police at once. Lou Raising the curtain I found it to be the head of your aunt, Miss Penelope Budd. Geo. Ha...ha...I understand now. When you say my aunt Penelope...you mean my other aunt Penelope. Lou Other aunt Penelope? Geo. Yes. You got them mixed. Named after each other. The one you sat on is my great aunt. Good creature, but a little touched up here. (HEAD RUB BUS.) Lou She seemed very level headed to me. Geo. Yes? Well I never sat on her head myself. Lou Answer me. Who was this woman in the blue pajamas? Geo. Blue pajamas? Lou (STERNLY) You heard what I said. My pajamas! Geo. (HE'S TRYING TO TALK..CAN'T.) Carter (ENTER C. [ILLEGIBLE] Stop, Mr. Budd, not a word. Remember you were forbidden to speak to Lou Ellen. Geo. Please tell her all will be explained. Carter When? Geo. Oh...who knows? Lou I'll go see Mother. My future happiness depends on her. (EX. L.) Geo. Where's that speech you were writing? Carter I've got ten words written and my brain feels like an over boiled cauliflower. Mrs. Carter (ENTER L. WITH LOU) Now young man, I'm going to ask you few questions and I want no falsehoods, do you understand? Geo. Falsehood? Why I don't even know what the word means. Mrs. Carter You don't? Tell him, James...you know. Simms (ENTER C. AND COMES D.C.) I got the old woman's dimensions right here. Over all 68 inches... hips 44. bust 32. Now tell me your ladies' bust measure. Mrs. Carter Your ladies' bust measure? (TO GEO.) Geo. (SICK) This is a game you've seen those ads covering Annette Kallerman with Venus De Milo inch by inch. Carter I have often. Mrs. Carter (WHIRLING) What! Carter [Illegible] Geo. (TRYING AGAIN) Simms and I had an argument, and we're taking the measurements of our ideal woman. Simms These ain't the measurements of my ideal woman...not by a damn sight. Jackey (ENTER R.) Lou Mother, ask him who that woman is he calls his aunt. Jackey (TAKING IT ALL IN IN A GLANCE. TURNS AND STARTS TO HURRY BACK OUT) Simms (STARING AFTER JACKEY) Mrs. Budd...one minute please. Lou MRS. BUDD. Jackey Simms I fear thee has been looking in the amber cup again. Briggs (ENTER R. WITH SPEECH USED IN ACT ONE) Is this what you wrote, Miss? Jackey (TAKES AND READS) What does the stars and stripes stand for? This is it. Car. Ye, gods! My speech. (HOLDS OUT HAND.) Pen (ENTER L.U.) Simms Something wrong about all this. Pen (STANDING BY BRIGGS.) The maniac. There he is. Briggs (RUNS AROUND TABLE FOLLOWED BY PEN. HE X. R.U.) MY EYE. Simms So that's the maniac. Here Judge, hold this. (HANDS CARTER BAG BELONGING TO JACKEY.) I'll catch him. (EX. RUNNING AFTER BRIGGS.) Jackey My bag. Pen Oh, Georgie, has that man frightened me. (OVER TO GEO.) Geo. (SOOTHING HER) There. There, Auntie, you've had a bad dream. Pen George, thee says I dreamed I was attacked by a maniac. Did I also dream that you are married? Geo. Yes, Auntie...I am married...here's my wife! (INDICATING LOU) Simms (COMING DOWN C.) All Lou Ellen? You and Lou Ellen married? (AD LIB.) Mrs. Carter (FALLS IN CARTER'S ARMS) Simms You told me this one was your wife. (INDICATING JACKIE.) Jim (ENTER R. COMING TO JACKIE.) Geo. NONSENSE. That's the wife of Jim Marvin...at least she's going to be. Jim That's the first time Geo. has told the truth today. Jackey Do you know, Jim I'll bet that boy could eat garlic...then lie out of it. Lou I see, George, I'll have to be a little firm with you. Geo. A little firm? Good.....let's incorporate right now. (KISSES HER.) Waiter (ENTER SEES LONG KISS BUS) OH BOY! FINALE.."TILL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY."