OH, BOY

by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse

Lyrics by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse

Music by Jerome Kern

Produced at the Princess Theatre, N.Y., 20 Feb, 1907

Cast

Briggs (Geo Budds Valet) Character, Comedy

Polly Andrus (Friend of Jim Marvin), Flapper Type

Jim Marvin (Rounder), Juvenile

George Budd (Young Clubman), Lead

Lou Elle (Carter Budd's Fiancee), Lead

Jackie Sampson (A fun lover), Ingenue

Constable Simms (the Town Law Rube), Comedy

Miss Penelope Budd (A Quaker Spinster), Character Comedy

Jude Daniels Carter (An Old Devil), Character

Mrs. Carter (Grande Dame)

Waiter, Bit

ACT ONE

BACHELOR APARTMENT OF GEORGE BUDD AT SMALL VILLAGE NEAR TOWN.

TIME: EIGHT.

ACT TWO

THE MEADOWSIDES COUNTRY CLUB.

TIME: NEXT AFTERNOON

ACT ONE

Note Curtain rises to music of "Old Fashioned Wife". Briggs is standing R. of C. with back to audience. Door bell rings off L. Briggs goes to door, as he crosses boys and girls are seen out of window on fire escape. They watch Briggs sign for telegram, and as he turns, they hide. Briggs picks up fly swatter and starts to chase fly. Boys and girls hide as he starts to exit R 2. Then two boys step in window R. and L. and help girls in... Girls go R and L peering in and out. Then come down. Boys enter and dress back of stage.

OPENING ENSEMBLE.

Jim

(ENTER AFTER OPENING WITH POLLY)

Hello Boys and girls.

Girls

Hello Jim.. Jim.. Jim (AD LIB)

Jim

Have you routed him out yet?

Girls

Haven't looked yet.

Jim

We'll find him in his little downy bed. George is one of those quiet chaps ... Very unsophisticated Never goes out. Fast asleep every night at ten.

Polly

Oh surely not after the night his pal Jim Marvin led the Elks debating team to victory.

Jim

It means nothing in George's young life that we won to night. Now keep quiet, we are going to give the old boy the surprise of his young life. Yonder in his chaste white bed room. Now when I count to three call him.

(X SWITCH R.)

One two three.

All

George! (LIGHTS UP)

Jim

(OPENS DOOR PEEKS IN. GETS RID OF HAT WHILE HE DOES SO)

What do you know about that? He isn't here.

All

(DISGUSTED)

Oh h h

Jim

But that's all right we'll go into the dining room and pop open a few quarts of the best.

Polly

Are you sure George won't mind?

Jim

Mind? Why George would share his last wife with me. You know I saved his life once.

(OFFERS ARM TO POLLY STARTS R. ALL FOLLOW SINGING STRAIN OF OPENING OR "HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" AND EXIT R. CLOSING DOOR)

Lou

(ENTER L 2. SHE IS SMILING HAPPILY... PAUSES LOOKS AROUND AND THEN CROSSES R.C.)

George

(ENTERS AFTER SHE CROSSES. DROPS HER BAG BY TABLE AND PLACES HAT ON TABLE LE... THEN RUSHES TO HER EMBRACE)

My Lambkin!

Lou

Oh George!

Geo.

I wonder did did anyone see us come in here?

Lou

Not a soul. Don't be so nervous dear.

Geo.

I was all right until I heard the minister say "WILT THOU GEORGE" and I did.

Lou.

Did what?

Geo.

Wilted.

Lou.

Oh! How thrilling it is to elope. I'd like to do it every day.

Geo.

Lou Ellen!

Lou

I mean with you dear. (EMBRACE) My great big cave man.

Geo.

My little squaw.

Lou.

George I read in the papers this morning that a man from Boreneo can buy a wife for three dollars. Isn't that awful?

Geo.

Oh I don't know I think a really good wife is worth three dollars.

Lou

Why George!

Geo.

I don't mean you. You're worth your weight in gold.

(TAKES HER FACE IN HANDS AND KISSES HER ON TOP OF HEAD)

Lou

(PULLS AWAY)

Silly old George. Now I've got powder all over your shoulder.

Geo.

(BRUSHING IT OFF)

That's all right. Powder always brushes off easily.

Lou

George How do you know it will?

Geo.

Well I took the Chemisty course at college.

Lou

Oh I just can't help worrying about your past.

Geo.

I'm afraid my past was a very dark one.

Lou

George!

Geo.

Because you weren't there to brighten it, Lou.

Lou.

Oh George. (CROSS AND PUT HAT ON TABLE)

Geo.

Come Dear I want to show you the apartment.

(EXIT)

Double "You never knew about me"

(After Double phone rings.. Off stage all call Ad Lib... Jim answers the phone. Jim enters R crosses to phone)

... Hello... Who? Oh the Landlord. No this isn't Mr. Budd. Mr. Budd is out. A lot of girls? You bet there are. Regular Himdingers.. Won't you come up and join us.

Briggs

(Enters R 2.)

Jim.

Oh naughty naughty. That's not a pretty way to talk. Take that.

(HANGS UP RECEIVER WITH A BANG AND SITS BY TABLE L....SEES BRIGGS)

The landlord Briggs, Phoning from downstairs.

OFFSTAGE

(SINGING RAIN NO MORE)

Briggs

What's all this going on in the dining room Mr. Marvin?

Jim.

Just a gay little party. We're celebrating the golfing victory.

Briggs

But the landlord will never stand for it sir. He'll jolly well call the blooming Police sir.

Jim

Yes. That's what he just told me.

Polly.

(ENTER R.)

Oh Jim. Have you anything that will open a can of sardines?

OFFSTAGE

Never mind Polly. I found a razor that opens them very nicely.

Briggs

Oh the Master's Razor!

Jim

Isn't it jolly to see the little dears having such a good time, Briggs?

Briggs.

Well I can't say as I gets much kick out of it sir.

Jim

Nonsense. What you and Mr. Budd both need is a little wholesome feminine society.

Briggs

No thanks. I've had enough of girls. I've been dodging them ever since I was a blue eyed boy.

Polly

Perhaps you have never met the right one.

Briggs

They're all alike. When nature makes a bloomer she sticks to it. (EXIT L)

Jim

Nature's mistake is not making enough girls.

Polly

I see. You wish they grew on trees.

Jim

That's the idea. I want a garden where I can gather a whole bunch of American beauties, before breakfast every morning.

(EXIT WITH POLLY R. CLOSE DOOR LOUD TALK OFF STAGE)

Lou.

(ENTER X TO DESK)

While you are packing your bag I'll write a note to Father and Mother telling them what we've done.

Geo.

(OVER L. BY TABLE)

What we've not done?

Lou

(CROSSING TOWARD HIM)

About our elopement I mean (SEES TELEGRAM) Oh Darling there's a telegram for you.

Geo.

(LOOKING AROUND)

Where?

Lou

Don't you see, stuck on that statue.

Geo.

(STARTS FOR WIRE)

Lou

No Dear. Let me take it off. I don't quiet approve of you having a statue like that in your room.

Geo

(HANGS HAT ON STATUE TO COVER IT AND STANDS BACK OF TABLE)

Lou

That's better.

Geo.

(HOLDING OUT HAND FOR WIRE)

But Darling

Lou

No dear I'll open it. Mother told me if I ever get married to be sure to open all my husband's telegrams. She said it's the only safe way.

Geo.

(MEEKLY)

Yes Dear.

Lou

(READING)

Your letters fill me with dismay. Commit no rash act until you have seen me. Arrive at thy home to morrow morning. Love Aunt Penelope.

Geo.

(Coming down L of table.. Takes wire)

Good Lord.

Lou

What does this mean?

Geo

Aunt Penelope is my Guardian (X R) I wrote her and told her that I had met the one girl in the world (PLACE ARM AROUND HER) and was trying to get up courage enough to ask her to marry me.

Lou

That's what she means by rash deed?

Geo.

If she called getting engaged a rash deed what will she call getting married.

Lou

George as much as I hate to say it we will have to postpone our Honey Moon.

(X L)

Geo.

Oh no.

Lou

Oh yes. She will never forgive you if you aren't here to receive her.

Geo.

Oh I can't help that.

Lou

Didn't you tell me that she had charge of your family estate?

Geo.

Yes But she can cut me off with my allowance if she wants to. The deuce with Aunt Penelope and our money...... This is our bridal night.

(KISS HER)

Lou

(STARTS TO CRY)

No George. You must be brave and take me home.

Geo.

Must I?

Lou

Yes. Where is my bag?

Geo.

Oh leave your bag here sweetie. Then we can get away at a minute's notice.

Lou

All right. (X TO BELOW TABLE) First I am going to take out the picture of my dear George. I am going to sleep with your dear face right beside me to night. (TAKES OUT PICTURE AND KISSES IT)

Geo.

Don't Darling.

Lou

(TAKES OUT FANCY BLUE SUIT OF PAJAMAS.. LAYS THEM ACROSS ARM NEAREST HIM)

Geo.

(BUS)

Oh... OH...

Lou

(HOLDING THEM TOWARD HIM)

They're pretty aren't they?

Geo.

(TAKES THEM)

Beautiful oh... My lamb.

(THEY UNROLL AND SLIPPERS FALL OUT)

Your dear little slippers.

(GETS TO KNEES AND PLACES THEM SIDE BY SIDE)

Resting beside mine... Oh my darling.

(RISES AND STARTS TOWARD HER)

Jim

(OFF STAGE SINGING WITH BUNCH)

Won't go home until morning...

(CLAPPING HANDS AND ETC.)

Lou

(CLUTCHES HIM)

What's that!

(PICKS UP PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS AND PUTS THEM IN BAG)

Geo.

Some people in the dining room. (CROSSES R. PEEKS CAUTIOUSLY COMES BACK) It's that idiot Jim Marvin. He's giving a party in my rooms...Quick. I think he saw me. Go into the bedroom dear.

Lou

Bedroom?

Geo.

(OPENS DOOR L.3.)

Yes. Here.

Lou

(EX. L.3.)

Geo.

(STANDS IN FRONT OF DOOR)

Jim

(ENTER R.2.)

Ah there you are old Tortoise.

Geo.

What does this mean Jim?

Jim

A little surprise party. (JIM IS RATHER BOILED)

Geo.

(COMING C.)

Now Jim I......

Jim

Don't thank me.

Geo.

I wasn't going to.

Jim

We were out celebrating the great golfing vic. and I... I thought of you all alone here.... And I said "let's share our fun with old George" and here we are.

Geo.

(SARCASTIC)

It's damn nice of you.

Jim.

You're welk... Entirely Welk... (BUS) Those darn girls have entirely mussed up my marcel wave. (STARTS TO BEDROOM) Have you got a brush in your bedroom?

Geo.

(STARTS UP IN FRONT OF HIM)

No I don't use a brush.

Jim

A comb then.

Geo.

I comb my fingers through my hair... It's better for the scalp.

Jim

George you ain't well.

Geo.

(WATCHING DOOR NERVOUSLY)

I... I feel perfectly well.

Jim

He.. He.. You're as nervous as a bride groom.

(OFF STAGE)

(OH JIM YOU'RE SPOILING THE PARTY. COME ON BACK)

Jim

(STARTS R. TURNING)

By the way whom were you talking to just now?

Geo.

Oh I was talking to myself... I often do.

Jim

Gosh you're in worse shape than I thought. (POINTS TO BENCH) Sit down.

Geo.

(SITS)

I'm all right really.

Jim

You don't want to wake up some morning and find yourself in the nut factory. Do you? Have you any other symptoms? Acid taste in the mouth? Cold feet...... Do you see floating spots? Show me your tongue.

Geo.

(RISING IMPATIENTLY TALKING)

I wish you'd go away and leave me alone.

(GOES R. AS IF TO OPEN DOOR FOR JIM)

Jim

(FOLLOWING)

Oh don't be ridiculous.....Come in and join the party and be our little ray of sunshine.... These are nice girls!

Geo.

(LOU STICKS HEAD OUT OF DOOR. GEO. SEES HER. STARTS SINGING)

Go back... Go back.... Into your ponk cocoon.

Lou

(EXITS)

Geo.

(PANTOMINE BUS)

Jim

Hey what's the idea?

Geo.

What idea?

Jim

The outburst of song.

Geo.

Was I singing... Unconscious... Quiet unconscious.

Jim

You are going to have a nervous breakdown. You're on the verge of neurea Thenia.

Polly

(ENTERS WITH GIRLS.)

Oh Jim. Why didn't you come back? (GIRLS EXIT)

Jim

Ladies allow me to introduce Mr. Geo. Budd, the human sunbeam. Miss Polly Andrews and her gang. (ASIDE TO GIRLS) Nervous wreck. Very melancholy. Cheer him up. Make a fuss over him.

Girls

(GATHERING AROUND GEO.)

How do you do Mr. Budd? We've heard so much about you.

(AD LIB)

Geo.

(BUS LOOKING AT DOOR. BREAKS AWAY FROM GIRLS TO JIM)

Jim

(TRIES TO SHAKE HANDS)

Geo.

I've met you haven't I?

(GIRLS GO UP TO WINDOW)

Polly

(X'S TO BRIGGS)

Geo.

(TO JIM)

Now look what a mess you've got me into.

Jim

Oh, cheer up, little one. I'll go with you and interview this money grabber. The honeyed word.. the beaming smile. Just leave it to me.

(EXIT WITH GEO. L.2.)

Polly

(OVER TO WINDOW..HOLDING HAND OUT)

Oh, look it's started raining.

Lou

(PEEPS OUT DOOR. HAS COAT AND HAT IN HAND. TRIES TO STEAL OUT DOOR.)

Polly

(SEES LOU.)

Why, who's the little girl? (GETS HOLD & BRINGS LOU D.C.)

Lou

Oh, excuse me.

Polly

Did you come to the party?

Lou

Ye..yes.

Polly

(R. OF LOU)

Well, you're too late. I'm afraid it's all over.

Lou

(STARTS FOR DOOR AGAIN)

Well, then I guess I may as well go home.

Polly

Oh, no, we'll go back to the Cherry Tree Inn Cabaret as soon as Mr. Marving comes back.

Lou

I never go to Cabarets.

Polly

No. Why not?

Lou

My..my husband wouldn't like it.

Polly

O...h, you're married?

Lou

Yes, I'm married.

Polly

Well, cheer up. Don't let it make you morbid. Love, honor, and be gay is the vow the modern wife takes.

Lou

But I'm an old fashioned wife. I promised to obey my husband.

Girls

How perfectly foolish.

Polly

(SEATS LOU AND STANDS BEHIND HER.)

POLLY'S NUMBER "AN OLD FASHIONED WIFE" ALL EXIT

George

(EN. L.2. FOLLOWED BY JIM.)

Now, Jim you've got to clear those girls out in five minutes. You heard what I said.

Jim

(CROSSING R.C.)

All right all right.

Geo.

(CENTER)

And tell them to go down the kitchen stairs. I'm going out in a few minutes myself, and I don't want to meet them.

Jim

You're a fine host...I'll have to square it with them some way. I know...we'll take them to the country club tomorrow. That will make them forget being thrown out of here tonight.

Geo.

I'm not going to the country club.

Jim

Oh yes you are. I'm going to be presented with an Elks' head for winning the Debate, and, besides, a prominent Judge is going to make the presentation speech.

Geo.

I hate speeches.

Jim

But this old Johnny is in a class by himself. He always winds up by saying "Waiter, give me the check".

Boys

Off Stage

Oh, Jim, come on.

Jim

(STARTS TO EXIT R.2.)

Geo.

(FOLLOWING OVER)

But, Jim........

Jim

Some other time. (EXITS.)

Lou

(ENTER FROM BEDROOM WITH HAT ON)

George, has that man gone?

Geo.

Yes, now's our chance to get away.

Lou

(COMING C. TO HIM)

George. I'm not sure that I liked the way that you hid me in that room.

Geo.

But, Petty, it was the only thing to do.

Lou

But, you did it so naturally. Just as if you'd had lots of practice.

(X R. TO USE MIRROR.)

Geo.

We must hurry, dearest.

Lou

Just a second, George, there's a mouse in that room.

Geo.

Yes? (X L.)

Lou

Just a moment, dear, have you any cheese?

Geo.

Cheese? Are you hungry?

Lou

No, for the mouse. You ought to set a trap.

(BUSY WITH PERSONAL APPEARANCE.)

Geo.

I must get you home. Aren't you ready now, darling?

Lou

Dearest, haven't I been telling you for the last five minutes that I would be ready in a second?

Geo.

Just think...parted like this on our bridal night.

Lou

Oh, you make me cry.

Geo.

But it won't be long.

Lou

I hope not.

(MUSIC) "WANT TO BE A GOOD LITTLE WIFE"

GEO. & LOU EXIT L.2.2

NUMBER THREE.

(AFTER NUMBER....LOUD GLASS CRASH...HUB BUB OF TALK OFF R.U. JACKEY APPEARS AT WINDOW L. ENTERS DRESSED IN HANDSOME EVENING GOWN AND OPERA COAT........SHE CROSSES AND STARTS TO OPEN DOOR R. JIM IS HEARD TELLING GIRLS GOOD NIGHT.)

Jim

We'll meet about half past nine. That's all right.

Jackey

(HEARS VOICES...HIDES BEHIND CURTAIN R.C.)

Jim.

(ENTER R.2. CLOSING DOOR AFTER HIM)

Briggs

(SEES OPEN WINDOW... EXITS UP TO IT TALKING MEANWHILE)

Huh, window wide open and burglars could come right in...then what would old Geo. say?

(CLOSES WINDOW AND TURNS TO FIND HIMSELF COVERED WITH JACKEY'S REVOLVER.)

Jackey

(WATCHES JIM AS SOON AS BACK IS TURNED AND WHEN HE CLOSES WINDOW... STEPS OUT AND COVERS HIM.)

Don't make any noise or cry out...I am a desperate woman.

Jim

Great Scott!

Jackey

I think you'd bet...better hold up your hands.

Jim

Anything to be obliging. (PUTS UP HANDS) Say, you're all gotten up to kill, aren't you?

Jackey

Now, don't kid me, or I'll cry.

OFF STAGE

(DOOR SLAMS OR LOUD KNOCK)

Jackey

(FRIGHTENED..DROPS REVOLVER.)

What's that?

Jim

(PICKS UP REVOLVER)

Pardon, is this yours?

Jackey

(TAKES REVOLVER..POINTS IT AT JIM)

Jim

(PUTS UP HANDS AGAIN)

Jackey

Thank you.

Jim

Don't mention it.

Jackey

I'm so frightened...What shall I do?

(Xs TO DESK.)

Jim

Do? Go right ahead...take everything that isn't nailed down. It doesn't belong to me.

Jackey

You don't think that I am a burglar?

Jim

No, oh no, of course not, I rather fancied that you dropped in for tea.

Jackey

I'm trying to escape from the police.

Jim

What has the police force got against you?

Jackey

I hit him in the eye.

Jim

Oh I say....don't you think that was a little injudish?

Jackey

What?

Jim

Striking an officer means a year in the penitentiery.

Jackey

It was all Tootles' fault.

Jim

Tootle? What kind of a drink is Tootle? (X TO HER.)

Jackey

I was up at the Cherrytree Inn having supper. (POINTS GUN... JIM'S HANDS GO UP.) At a nearby table was a party of old gentlemen. One of them kept talking to me and asked me to call him Tootles....pet name you know.

Jim

I imagine that Tootles had been taking a long lingering look at the wine when it was red.

Jackey

Yes, he had. (GUN ON HIM.) He stood on a table and insisted on reading a speech that he said he was going to deliver at some affair tomorrow. He had just started when the policeman came in and told him he would have to keep quiet.

Jim

And that made Tootles sore?

Jackey

Did it? He turned that policeman around and kicked him.

(TURNS AND ILLUSTRATES IT.)

Jim

And that made the policeman sore?

Jackey

Well, it must have bruised him. Oh it was terrible. The policeman grabbed me, and I ......hit him. Then I got away and the policeman after me.. I ran and ran...Then I saw the fire escape and that window open....so I came in. (TURNS AWAY BUS.)

Jim

Bully for you.

Jackey

(STARTS UP TO WINDOW.)

Jim

Please don't go. And tell me, why the Big Bertha?

Jackey

This? (GUN) Oh I picked it up when the policeman dropped it during the excitement....though I hardly remember doing it.

Jim

Better give it to me. (SHE DOES) You don't need to hold a gun on me. (HE TURNS...HER HANDS GO UP) Any scrape you get into (PUTS GUN INTO POCKET) you can count on my co op.

Jackey

That's awfully kind of you, Mr. Mr.........

Jim

Marvin....Jim Marvin is my name.

Jackey

Mine is Jackey Sampson.

Jim

Howdedo, Jackey.

Jackey

Hello, Jim.

Jim

Jackie Sampson? Sounds familiar.

Jackey

I suppose. I'm in that Morality play at the Lyceum this week. (TAKES OFF COAT AND PUTS IT DOWN ON BENCH L...ALSO BLUE SCARF.. DOING SO TURNS BACK TO AUDIENCE AND SHOWS MOLE ON NECK.) I play Modesty.

Jim

Must be a darn fine actress.

Jackey

I beg your pardon.

Simms

(KNOCK OFF STAGE)

Jackey

(JUMPING TO C.)

Oh, what's that?

Simms

Open this yere door.

Jackey

It's the policeman.

Simms

(RINGS BELL INTERMITTENTLY)

Jim

I can handle him...Don't be nervous. Come back, Jackey, be a man.

Jackey

I...I'll try. (CROSSES TO DOOR R.)

Simms

Wake up and open this yere door.

Jim

Let me talk to him. You know the honeyed word...the beaming smile, but I think you'd better hide.

Jackey

(EXIT IN DOOR. TAKES COAT BUT LEAVES SCARF.)

Jim

(VERY BRAVE...WHISTLES AND TAKES TIME..CROSSES L. AND OPENS DOOR)

Simms

(GLARES AT JIM.)

Jim

(CATCHES LOOK AND GOES UPSTAGE)

Have a chair.

Simms

I'm looking for a woman that assaulted me that that woman was seen entering this window. (GOING UP TO WINDOW)

Jim

(MOVING OVER R.2.)

Nonsense old dear, nonsense.

Simms

I tell you she did. (START SNOOPING AROUND ROOM...PICKS UP JACKEY'S SCARF.) AH...HA....What's this?

Jim

What old thing?

Simms

This here (SMELLS IT) IS A WOMAN'S SCARF.

Jim

Why so it is......I...

Simms

(LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE.)

Yi....Yi....Yi.......

Jim

(ASIDE)

Oh, damn...(TO SIMMS) Well.

Simms

So there's a woman here. Who is she?

(CROSSES L. OF JIM. THROWS SCARF ON BENCH.)

Jim

This is Mr. George Budd's home. Where else would you expect his wife to be?

Simms

I never knowed Mr. Budd was married.

Jim

I admit he doesn't give that impression.

Simms

I want to look at this Mrs. Budd.

Jim

No use, Constable, she loves her husband.

Simms

Now here now here don't try to elucidate me, I got to see her.

(STARTS)

Jim

(HOLDING UP HAND TO STOP HIM.)

Simms

Young man, you are obstructin the law.

(TURNS UP VEST AT BOTTOM SHOWING BADGE.)

Jim

I didn't get it the first time, may I have another flash?

Simms

(SHOWS BADGE AGAIN)

Jim

Mr. Budd is not home.

Simms

Hain't eh. Well, I got too much to do to stand around waiting for him. But I won't have much trouble tracking that female as assaulted me.

(GOES L)

Jim

Why, have you got her description?

Simms

No, but I got her bag.

Jim

Her name is in it?

Simms

No.

Jim

Do you know what she looks like?

Simms

Well, no......I ain't very sure. You know, I always take my specks off before I mix it in a rough house, so I'm kinder uncertain bout both them criminiles.

Jim

That's tough.

Simms

Well, I'll be steppin'. (SCRATCHES CHIN.) Mebbe I'll be back later.

(UP TO DOOR.)

Jim

Take my advice and give the eye a little beefsteak party.

Simms

Uh....huh....Say how did Mr. Budd ever fix it with his wife so he could stay out so late? My old woman wouldn't stand for it.

Jim

I didn't know you were married.

Simms

Oh, I'm one of those close mouthed fellows. I keep my troubles to myself.

(EXIT L.2.)

Jim

I'll see you out, Constable.

(EXIT AFTER SIMMS.)

NUMBER

Jim

(ENTER L.2. AFTER NUMBER.)

Jackey

(ENTER R.)

My bag...he has my bag.

Jim

I suppose so.

Jackey

Oh, what shall I do now?

Jim

Was there anything much in your bag?

Jackey

Anything much? Five hundred dollars, two diamond stuffed garters, vanity case, 200 cigar coupons, and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG GIRL OUT TO KNOW." But worst of all....a rabbit's foot.

Jim

A rabbit's foot?

Jackey

Off a rabbit that was shot at full moon in a graveyard.

Jim

Great scott! (LAUGHS) Are you supertish?

Jackey

Why you abreviate your words?

Jim

Oh, just a hab.

Jackey

Oh, I hate to lose that rabbit's foot.

Jim

Don't worry, I'll get it back for you. Now see here, if we could only get old Tootles to come forward and tell the truth, he can clear you.

Jackey

You're just wonderful to go to all this trouble for a person you don't even know!

Jim

I feel like I've known you always.

Jackey

That's funny, I do, too.

Jim

Perhaps we've met before.

Jackey

Perhaps. When I was Queen of Babylon, and you were a Christian slave.

Jim

(LAUGHING)

Well we've met this time and we're going to be pals.

Jackey

That's it...pals.

(JACKEY OFFERS HAND WHICH HE TAKES)

DOUBLE "PAL LIKE YOU"

Briggs

(ENTER FROM R.U.)

Well, I'm blowed.

(SEES JACKEY'S SCARF.)

Those gay young parties still hanging around?

(WINDS CLOCK. GOES UP TO BEDROOM DOOR....KNOCK...PAUSE...KNOCK AGAIN.)

Mr. Budd, I'm going home. I set the alarm for nine o'clock.

(TO L.2. GRUMBLING)

Might as well talk to a bloomin' Hegyptian Spink.

(EXIT L.2.)

Jim

(ENTER WITH JACKEY.)

Jackey

Who was that knocking?

Jim

George's man, Briggs, he only comes in for the day.

Jackey

Are you going to hunt for Tootles now?

Jim

(R. OF HER)

Yes, I am off to find Tootles.

Jackey

What shall I do?

Jim

You stay right here.

Jackey

How long?

Jim

All night. It's terrible sloppy outside, besides Simms is snooping around and would be very suspish if you went out now.

Jackey

But where shall I sleep? (X L.)

Jim

In George's room.

Jackey

In George's room?............and where is George?

Jim

Went out to avoid some girls I had up here. Hates girls....George does.

Jackey

You mean he's coming back?

Jim

Of course he is, but you must explain that he is to come over and sleep on the sofa at my place.

(EXIT TO DOOR R.)

Jackey

(FOLLOWING)

Oh I see. He won't object.

Jim

Not a bit...George will do anything for me. You see, I saved his life once. By the way are you hungry?

Jackey

No, but I'm dreadfully tired.

Jim

Well, turn in and make yourself comfy. George may be very late.

Jackey

All right. You had better leave me now or the Inn will be closed.

Jim

You're right. I'll pop around in the morning and report any success. I'm on my search for Tootles.

Jackey

Thank you.

Jim

(STARTS FOR DOOR...TURNS AND WHISPERS LOUDLY)

I'm going down the back way, so Simms won't see me.

Jackey

(APING HIM)

All right.

Jim

Good night.

Jackey

Good night.

Jim

(EXIT CLOSING DOOR SOFTLY)

Jackey

(OPENS DOOR TO BEDROOM...PEEPS IN THEN TURNS AND STARTS FOR SCARF... SEES LOU'S BAG....OPENS IT.....TAKES OUT PAJAMAS AND HOLDS THEM UP)

So George hates girls...Oh, boy.

(LIGHTS...THROWS PAJAMAS ACROSS ARM..PICKS UP ELECTRIC CANDLESTICK AND EXITS TO DOOR)

>Well, they're better than nothing.

(EXITS IN BEDROOM CLOSES DOOR.)

NUMBER

Geo.

(ENTER L. HAS TOP COAT AND HAT...BUS AS IF SHAKING RAIN FROM THEM AS HE REMOVES THEM....CROSSED TO DESK...PANTOMINE WRITING NOTE.)

Jackey

(AS GEORGE WRITES SHE ENTERS AND STANDS WATCHING HIM...HAS ON PAJAMAS......WHEN HE SEALS NOTE)

Are you Mr. Budd? How do you do. I'm your wife.

Geo.

Jim was right in having a nervous breakdown.

Jackey

I was afraid it would be a rather shock to you, but Mr. Marvin said you wouldn't mind.

Geo.

Are you real? (RISES)

Jackey

Why, of course.

Geo.

(LIGHTS)

Well, just to make sure, would you mind if I pinched you?

(COMES DOWN R. OF HER)

Jackey

Indeed I would. You see, I climbed into your rooms to save myself from the police.

Geo.

The police?

Jackey

Yes, I was mixed up in a fight. Not my fault.....and Mr. Marvin thought it was safer for me to stay here all night.

Geo.

Oh, he did?

Jackey

Yes, and he said you were to sleep at his house.

Geo.

Oh, that nice comfortable sofa...horse hair...with three broken springs, I suppose.

Jackey

I believe he did mention a sofa.

Geo.

Tell me. Who did you say you were when you came in?

Jackey

Your wife. That was Mr. Marvin's inspiration also when the police insisted on searching the place.

Geo.

Great scott!

Jackey

You're not angry?

Geo.

Not with you, but I'd like to wring Jim Marvin's infernal neck.

Jackey

I hope you don't mind me wearing your pajamas?

Geo.

My pajamas?

Jackey

Yes, aren't they yours?

Geo.

Well...in sort of a way.....they're mine.

Jackey

In a sort of way.

Geo.

Well er you see, I don't wear them myself.

Jackey

(TEASINGLY)

OH Geo........I'm afraid Jim doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does.

Geo.

Why....nothing of the sort...Why, really you don't understand.

Simms

(ENTER THROUGH C.D. WEARING RAINCOAT)

Jackey

(SEES SIMMS AND JUMPS DOWN STAGE BELOW DESK.)

Simms

Good evenin' hope I ain't buttin' in. (COMES C.)

Jackey

Oh!

Simms

Gave you a start, didn't I, Missy? You seem kinder scared.

Jackey

Well, it naturally frightened me seeing a strange man walk in like that. Ask him what he means by intruding on our privacy, darling?

Geo.

What?

Simms

You, Mr. Budd?

Geo.

Yes.

Simms

This Mrs. Budd?

Jackey

Why, of course, I'm Mrs. Budd. (TO GEORGE) Surely, Sweetheart, this man hasn't the right to break into our little nest like this?

Simms

I ain't interferin' with your nest, so come off your perch. (MOTION FOR HER TO EXIT L.) I want you to answer me trueful....Is this Mrs. Budd?

Geo.

Why....ye....yes.

Jackey

(COMING R. OF SIMMS)

Didn't I just tell you I was Mrs. Budd?

Simms

Well, I thought maybe you was lying.

Jackey

George, are you going to stand there and let this man insult your wife?

Geo.

MY wife wouldn't lie, Constable.

Simms

No?

Geo.

No, she has too much honor.

Simms

Too much on her? If she had on much less I'd pinch her.

Jackey

Will you kindly go?

Simms

Just one question...Has she got a mole on her back?

Geo.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know.

Simms

Don't know?

George

Well, we haven't been married long.

Simms

Oh...oh. (L. OF GEORGE TURNS TO JACKEY) I'm looking for a woman with a mole where her middle dress button ought to be. I ain't got much of an idea of what she looks like otherwise, but I did get some good view of the geography of her back.

Geo.

What do you want the woman for?

Simms

For assaulting me. I got a warrant for her arrest.

Geo.

But surely, you don't think this...er...my wife insulted you?

Jackey

(X AND LEAN ON GEO.)

Simms

Not if she is your wife. Feller down stairs told me you were a bachelor.

Geo.

He's right...I was.

Simms

When did you go wrong?

Geo.

Today.

Simms

Today? I'm telling you straight, young man, I don't believe you.

Geo.

You don't? Wait....Here's my Marriage Certificate. (TAKES OUT PAPER AND HANDS IT TO SIMMS)

Simms

(TAKES PAPER...LOOKS AT IT)

Marriage Certificate....That's right.... That's the Union Label...Doggone it..That settles it.... I apologize. I am sure buttin in

(EXIT TO DOOR L.2. TURN)

Say the pajamas of yours certainly are becoming. Think I'll have to get some for my old woman.

(EXIT L.2.)

Jackey

What a splendid idea....always carry a Marriage Certificate in your pocket. You never can tell when it will come in handy, can you? I'm so grateful....I don't know how I can ever repay you.

(STARTS TO HIM.)

Geo.

(RETREATS A LITTLE)

I'd better be going now....(RAIN)

Jackey

You've been so good to me...and after turning you out of your room, too. It doesn't seem fair.

Geo.

That's all right...don't mention it again.

Jackey

Thank you all the same.

RAIN EFFECT HERE. INTRO. "CLOUDS ROLL BY"

CLOSE IN AFTER FINALE.

(PULL AWAY...ROOM IS FLOODED WITH SUNSHINE..BRIGGS IS ENTERED L.2. GOES TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS)

Nine o'clock, Mr. Budd.

(RING AT DOORBELL...BRIGGS STARTS ACROSS TO DOOR)

Nice time to be wallowing in bed.

(OPENS DOOR)

Carter

(ENTER)

Good morning.

Briggs

Lovely, sir.

Carter

I want to see Mr. Budd.

Briggs

What name?

Carter

Carter. Judge Carter.

Briggs

I'm afraid sir he's still in the arms of Morpheus.

Carter

Get him out of them right away.

Briggs

Yes Sir (X AND KNOCK) excuse me there is a gentleman out here who would rather like to see you.

(KNOCKS AGAIN.)

Carter

Who insists on seeing him.

Briggs

Who insists on seeing you. Do you wish the gentleman to come in?

Carter

He's a mighty sound sleeper.

Briggs

If he is sleeping.

Carter

What do you mean?

Briggs

(LOOKING IN KEY HOLE)

The key hole isn't stopped up any way (SNIFF) I can smell no gas.

Carter

GOOD HEAVENS! You surely don't think.......

Briggs

Acted very strangely last night he did. Had a look about him like Poor Uncle Joe's 'ad the day he swallowed Rat Poison.

Carter

But he has just become engaged to my daughter.

Briggs

Ah, that may account for it. I was afraid he might have done something rash. (PEEP IN KEYHOLE AGAIN.)

Geo.

(ENTER R.2....COAT ON ARM...HAT IN HAND)

What are you doing there, Briggs?

Briggs & Carter

(BOTH TURN SHARPLY)

Carter

Are you Mr. Budd?

Geo.

Yes.

Carter

I am Judge Carter.

Geo.

(NERVOUSLY)

Judge Carter? I am glad to meet you

(TO BRIGGS)

That will do, Briggs.

Briggs

Yes, sir. (EXIT R.U.)

Carter

Mr. Budd, my daughter Lou Ellen informed me early this morning that you and she were engaged, and I dropped in to meet you.

Geo.

Do you think this is an auspicious moment?

Carter

Not very. I've been out all night with some old class mates and only had an hour of sleep. I want to ask you a few questions right now.

Geo.

Suppose we take a spin in your motor? The fresh air will do your headache good.

Carter

What do you mean, my headache?

Geo.

I beg your pardon, I mean my headache.

Carter

Well, why not my headache, I'm sure it's a damn site more of a headache than yours.

Geo.

My headache begins at the soles of my feet and gets worse all the way up.

Carter

Get your coat and come along.

Geo.

All right. (STARTS UP C.....STOPS) I forgot....I can't get my coat.

Carter

Why not?

Geo.

It's in my bedroom, and I can't go in there.

Carter

Can't go in your own bedroom? (ASIDE) Must have a hangover.

Geo.

Well you see...er...no...

Carter

Young man, what have you got in your bedroom?

Geo.

(DOWN TO CARTER)

Why...er....chemicals.

Carter

What? Tell me....are you going to keep explosives in your bedroom after you are married?

Geo.

I hope it won't be necessary.

Carter

Is it dangerous to go in there?

Geo.

Very. It's filtering through. Mustn't be jarred..even walking across the floor might cause a catastrophe.

Carter

Young man, I think we will meet at some other place later on.

Geo.

Anywhere you like, sir.

Carter

(STARTS L. AND STOPS)

By the way..Lou Ellen informed me she was bringing her mother here a little later on.

Geo.

Bringing her here?

Carter

But I shall head them off.

Geo.

Yes...do...it wouldn't be safe for them here.

DOOR BELL RINGS.

Geo.

Come in.

Polly

(ENTER WITH SIX GIRLS)

Carter

(GOES UP R. OF TABLE)

Polly

Hello, George, are we early?

Geo.

Very early.

Polly

Jim said you had invited us to the Country Club for luncheon. (X.C.)

Carter

(BUS.....PRIMPING.....X.L.C.)

Geo.

To the Country Club? Did I?

Girls

Of course, you did...yes....sure.

Polly

(CONFIDENTIALLY)

George, introduce me to the man with the India Rubber Face.

Geo.

Ladies, this is Judge Carter.

Polly & Girls

Hello, Judge, glad to know you......ad lib.

Carter

(BOWING)

Ladies, (TO GEO.) I beg your pardon, but I feel out of place in this whirl of gayety....see you later at the Inn. Ladies, good morning. (EXIT L.2.)

Briggs

(ENTER R.)

Bless my soul if ere isn't them little Parties again.

Geo.

What's that, Briggs?

(AS BRIGGS TALKS TRIES TO STOP HIM)

Briggs

Your breakfast is laid out in the Dining Room, Sir.

Polly

I'm so hungry.

Geo.

You're always hungry.

Briggs

There's quite a good sized omelette, sir.

Polly

Good for you, Jiggs....(GRABS GEO.) Come on, Georgie...let's eat, girls.

(EXIT IN DINING ROOM)

Briggs

My eye! What is the Master coming to?

(EXIT AFTER THEM)

NUMBER

Briggs

(ENTER CARRYING NAPKIN)

My eyes never saw such gluttons hin hall my life.

Geo.

(ENTER)

Briggs, are you good at entertaining ladies?

Briggs

Well, sir in my wicked days I was known as "Wicked Willie With the Winning Wink". I was rather a dog among the fair sex.

Geo.

(POINTING)

Well go in there and be a dog among them now. Snap at 'em bite 'em.

Briggs

(HORRIFIED)

BITE! Eh? Me, sir? (TO DINING ROOM DOOR AND PEER IN.)

Geo.

(TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCK)

Tell me are you all dressed?

Briggs

Well hi ope to tell you hi ham, sir. (BUS) Woy's missin?

Geo.

(COMES L. PICKS UP CUSHION)

I wasn't talking to you. I was speaking to a lady in my bedroom.

Briggs

My eye! A young lady in your bedroom?

Geo.

Yes......have you any objections?

Briggs

Yes, sir, I was raised respectable.

Jackey

(ENTER...WEARING A BERBINED PETTICOAT THAT LOOKS LIKE A SKIRT..... AND LOU'S BREAKFAST JACKET)

Good morning, George.

Geo.

Good morning.

Jackey

You wonderful man, I found this lovely breakfast jacket in your room you seem to have everything.....enough to equip a bride in that little bag of yours.

Briggs

My eye.

Geo.

(STERNLY)

That will do, Briggs.

Briggs

Yes, sir. (EXIT R.2.)

Jim

(ENTER L.2. CARRIES SUITBOX WRAPPED.)

Geo.

(X WITH JACKEY AND PEEPS IN DOOR WHERE GIRLS MADE EXIT)

Compared to Jim Solomon was a woman hater.

Jim

So that's the idea....trying to queer me and boost your own stock.

Jackey

Mornin, Jim.

Jim

Mornin, Jackey, here is a gown for you. I figured you'd want something besides that evening gown.

Geo.

How thoughtful.

Jim

Sure, and I've got a clue who Tootles is (TAKES OUT PAPER) This was found on the floor at the Inn after the battle.

Jackey

(TAKES PAPER AND READS)

And what, my friends does the stars and stripes stand for? It stands for....why this is Tootle's speech.

Jim

Those are the papers. With them I am prepared to face the sneaking villain.

Jackey

How will you find him?

Jim

Elementary...my dear Watson....the honeyed word.....the beaming smile....Leave it to your Uncle Sherlock. (X.L. EXIT.)

Briggs

(ENTER R.2.)

Geo.

(LOOKING AT WATCH)

Briggs, go to the station and watch. If you see an elderly lady get off the train, hold her there. Tell her this place is being fumigated or something.

Briggs

(SNIFFING)

It could stand fumigating, too......if you ask me.

Lou

(OFF L.)

Here we are, Mother dear. This is George's apartment.

Geo.

(ALL EXCITED)

Wait a minute

(PUSHES JACKEY IN BEDROOM...THROWS HIM'S BOX AFTER HER.....CLOSES DOOR....GETS BOX....LIES ON BENCH, APPARENTLY DEEPLY INTERESTED)

All right.

Briggs

(X...OPENS DOOR...STANDS ASIDE OF IT.)

Mrs. Carter

(ENTERS .....LONGETTE IN HAND)

Is Mr. Budd in?

Briggs

Yes, ma'am.

Lou

(ENTERS)

There he is, Mother...hard at work...George

Geo.

(LOOKING UP ASTONISHED..SPRINGS TO FEET)

Oh, it's you, dear.

Lou

(CROSSES R.C.)

George, this is Mother.

Geo.

(NERVOUSLY...COMES ACROSS...SHAKES HAND WITH MRS. CARTER)

How do you do Mother.

Mrs. Carter

Good morning (VERY COLD) Mr. Budd.

Geo.

Briggs, shut that window, it's rather chilly here.

Briggs

(STARTS FOR WINDOW...STOPS AND LOOKS AT GEORGE)

My eye. (EXIT R.U.)

Geo.

(TO MRS. CARTER)

Won't you sit down?

Lou

I told Mother and Father about our engagement.

Mrs. Carter

(SITS MAJESTICALLY)

Tell me, young man, can you support a family?

Geo.

How many of you are there?

Mrs. Carter

Perhaps I should have begun with the question of Mr. Budd's morals.

Geo.

My mor....my what did you say?

Mrs. Carter

MORALS...M..O..R..A..L..S..MORALS. I presume you at least know what they are. (X R.)

Geo.

I was brought up by a Quaker Aunt, and I try to live according to the rules laid down by the Quakers.

Polly

(ENTERS WITH GIRLS MAKING LOT OF NOISE)

Oh, George, where are the rest of those delightful sandwiches we had last night.

Mrs. Carter

(RISES AND COMES A STEP DOWN...LOU RISES)

Who...may I ask are these?

Geo.

These ah, these. They are some friends of Jim Marvin's. Where is Jim?

Jim

Hey Geo. (ENTER...L.2.) Isn't it time we started?

Mrs. Carter

What are you doing with those persons in your apartment, Mr. George Budd?

Jackey

(SCREAMS LOUDLY IN BEDROOM.)

Lou

What's that?

Jackey

(RUNS FROM ROOM)

George, there's a mouse in your room.

(THROWS ARMS AROUND GEORGE'S NECK.....ALL GIRLS LEAP ON AVAILABLE FURNITURE HOLDING SKIRTS.)

Mrs. Carter

Mr. Budd, there seems to be ladies in every nook and corner of your apartment. What does this mean?

Jackey

And to think I slept with it all night!

All

All night?

Geo.

Stop (BRACING UP) .....This (JACKEY) is my aunt.

Mrs. Carter

Your what?

Geo.

My aunt......my quaker aunt.

Mrs. Carter

(TO LOU)

Very funny.

Geo.

Yes, we often laugh about it, don't we, auntie, ha...ha..

(POKES JACKEY IN RIBS.)

Jackey

(LOOKING STUPIDLY AT WINDOW)

Yes...often...ha..ha..ha..

Lou

Oh, George, your aunt is so different from what I imagined.

Jackey

Thought I was an old fluff with a cap and horn rimmed windshields, I suppose.

Lou

(SHOWS SURPRISE)

Geo.

(CLOSE UP TO JACKEY)

Quaker! Quaker!

Jackey

(TO LOU)

Hast thou seen much of Quakers, child.

Lou

Only one or two, but very different from you.

Jackey

Oh, well, they belong to the old part, I am a 1927 model.

Mrs. Carter

Come, Lou, we are merely inviting contamination here. It is time we left.

(X TO DOOR.)

Lou

(GOING OVER TO JACKEY)

Won't you come with us to the Country Club, Miss Budd?

Girls

(AD LIB.)

Yes, please come.

Men

Please do.

Judge

(RINGS DOORBELL OFF L.)

Geo.

Come in.

Carter

(ENTER L.2.)

Ah, there you are, my dear, I missed you.

Geo.

(COMING DOWN)

I want to present my aunt, Miss Budd.

Jackey

(TURNS SEES CARTER)

Tootles!

All

Tootles?

Carter

I beg your pardon but

Mrs. Carter

(COMING L. OF JUDGE)

What do you mean by Tootles?

Geo.

Tootles is quaker for....HOW DO YOU DO.

Carter

(TO JACKEY)

Are you a quaker?

Jackey

Yea, bo!

Carter

I must be going. I have to read an address at a meeting this afternoon.

(STARTS L.2.)

Jackey

Please don't go. I wish to converse with thee.

Carter

I'm sorry, but I must prepare my speech. (Exits L.2.)

Jackey

(STARTS TO FOLLOW..MEETS MRS. CARTER)

I do so want to know thy judge better.

Mrs. Carter

Oh, do you? And I should like to know you better....much better.

Geo.

(R. of C.)

Yes, I must tell you all about auntie as soon as we have time.

INTRO. "YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ME."

Jackey

(SINGING TO MRS. CARTER)

Thee never heard about me, friend, and I never heard about thee.

Geo.

I'd have some explanation in the court of conservation, but it slipped from my mind as things do.

Girls

How peculiar.

Geo.

My memory is awful...it's true.

Girls

Not a doubt of it.

Lou

Well, never mind..now's the time.

All

My, of course it is.

Lou

To show hospitality.

All

To show hospitality. Yes, we will show you round town today. We'll all be gay during your stay.

Lou

Or if you'd rather chat with Father, that is just for you to say.

All

So if you'd rather talk to Father, or would he be in the way?

WE'LL SHOW YOU ROUND THE TOWN.

ALL ROUND AND UP AND DOWN.

IF YOU'LL ONLY WAIT.

WE NEVER HOPED TO FIND....

YOU WERE THE SPORTING KIND.

THIS IS SIMPLY GREAT

WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE....

FAR AND NEAR..WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE

DON'T YOU FEAR. LEAVE IT ALL TO US.

WE KNOW WHERE TO GO. WE'LL ARRANGE IT SO

THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS

WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT

WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT.

NOW!

(ALL EXIT BUT GEO. AND JACKEY)

Jackey

Goodbye (AFTER ENSEMBLE) Come on, George.

Geo.

You're not going?

Jackey

Yes, I am. If Tootles is Judge Carter, he can square me with the police. (STARTS FOR L.2.)

Geo.

But in those clothes?

Jackey

You'll have to dodge into my hotel and get me a dress.

Geo.

But where will you put it on?

Jackey

Aren't there any woods between here and the courthouse?

Geo.

Yes, then you won't need me.

Jackey

Oh, yes, I do. I need you to hook me up.

Geo.

(JAMS HAT ON HEAD)

Then come on.

(TAKES HER ARM AND EXITS AS CURTAIN FALLS.)

ACT TWO

(OPENING) "LAND WHERE THE GOOD SONGS GO."

Briggs

(AFTER OPENING ENTER R.U. CROSSES L.C.)

Simms

(ENTER AFTER BRIGGS)

Hey, one minute. Can't come in here without a ticket I tell you.

Briggs

I've got to.

Simms

Say, if you're trying to invite trouble, just say R.S.V.P.

(RAISES VEST FLAPS AND SHOWS BADGE.)

Briggs

No thanks, I've had enough fightin for one day.

Simms

Been fightin, have you?

Briggs

A woman hit me in the eye. Now I must tell Mr. Budd she escaped.

Simms

Escaped? You talk like she was a tiger.

Briggs

That's wot she was. Any time the dentist wants a plan of her teeth, he'll find it on my arm.

Simms

Maybe it's the same woman I'm looking for. Give me her description.

(TAKES OUT BOOK AND PENCIL.)

Briggs

Rather pretty eyes.

Simms

What color?

Briggs

Same as mine.

Simms

(BUS)

Eyes...A watery blue. Ears?

Briggs

Same as mine.

Simms

Aeroplane ears. Color of hair?

Briggs

Same as yours.

Simms

Hair a beautiful brown.

Briggs

My eye! I'll talk to you afterwards. (STARTS UP L.)

Simms

You won't find Mr. Budd in there.

Briggs

No?

Simms

No. That's the ladies' swimming pool.

Briggs

The ladies' swimming pool? Don't you think I'd better take a peek to make sure?

Simms

Come here.

Briggs

(COMES L. OF HIM)

Something tells me it's my duty to look.

Simms

Tain't no use. The swimming pool ain't in use today. I just looked.

(X.R.)

Geo.

(ENTER WITH JACKEY R.U. TALKING)

Simms

Here you...tickets....where are your tickets?

Geo.

(STARTS LOOKING IN POCKETS.)

Simms

Oh, it's Mr. & Mrs. budd.

Geo.

SH.....SH.

Simms

How are you, Mrs. Budd?

Jackey

Splendid, thank you. What are you doing here?

Simms

I'm here to keep an eye on those silver cups and prizes.

Jackey

(X.L. OF SIMMS)

Oh, of course.

Simms

(DROPPING DOWN TO HER)

Mrs. Budd...I've been thinking a lot about them pyjamas of yours.

Geo.

(X. GOES TO SIMMS)

Constable...please!

Simms

That's all right...we're all married folks, ain't we? Took my eye ..... them pyjamas did...told Mrs. Simms about 'em....She says she'd like to have the pattern.

Jackey

All right, you shall have it. (TO GEO.) Can't you find those tickets, Duskie?

Geo.

I can't remember where I put them, Love. (PULLS OUT BUNCH OF TICKETS) Ah, here they are. (HANDS THEM TO SIMMS.)

Jackey

How many are there?

Simms

I don't know...Let's see. (TOPPLES TICKETS BESIDE EAR) Thirty four.

Geo.

(LAUGHING)

Have you caught the woman who assaulted you yet, Constable?

Simms

No, but I will. (X. to R.U.) Don't forget that pyjama pattern, Mrs. Budd. (EXIT)

Geo.

Great Scott! If anyone hears him calling you Mrs. Budd, we're sunk.

Jackey

You did the silliest thing when you introduced me as your aunt. You should have stuck to Jim's story.

Jim

Good heavens what are you two turtle doves doing here?

Geo.

Oh it's you.

Jackey

I've found Tootles.

Jim

Where is he?

Jackey

He's somewhere in the clubhouse. He's here with his wife and daughter.

Jim

Isn't that great? (SLAPS GEO. ON SHOULDER) Now we can clear Jackey and she will be all right.

Geo.

Yes she'll be all right..I was thinking of myself. (X.R.)

Jim

Don't worry if your luck is bad it's bound to turn.

Geo.

Oh yes my luck turns and bites me. (X R.C.)

Jim

The original gloom.

Jackey

And you're sunny Jim I suppose?

Jim

That's it Jackey and we'll go through life on the joy wagon. If you'll marry me.

Jackey

I'll think about it.

Jim

Oh say..Why think..You've been slinging me all kinds of encouragement.

Jackey

Isn't it funny? Give a man a smile and he thinks it gives him a right to murder every other male creature on your visiting list.

SPECIALTY

Carter

(AFTER SPECIALTY ENTER WITH MANUSCRIPT OF SPEECH R.2. SIT R. OF TABLE.. RINGS TAP BELL WITHOUT LOOKING AROUND.)

Mrs. Carter

(ENTER L.U.)

Oh here you are James I've been looking everywhere for you.

Carter

Well I've been in there.

Mrs. Carter

What's that? (WAITER ENTER L.2. WITH TRAY COMES R. OF C.)

Carter

(ANSWERING MRS)

Oh nothing.

Waiter

Nothing.

Carter

Nothing.

Waiter

Nothing. (EXIT L.2.)

Mrs. Carter

Now see here, James. (X. AND SITS L. OF TABLE.) This man Budd is engaged to our daughter is nothing but a libertine.

Carter

(BUSY WITH MANUSCRIPT)

Oh, nonsense.

Mrs. Carter

I tell you he is. Why he seizes upon this golfing vistory as an excuse for a rowdy party.

Carter

I haven't time to discuss now. I must finish this speech.

Mrs. Carter

I tell you, James Carter. (BANGS TABLE ...RINGS BELL....PUSHES IT AWAY FROM HER.) That speech means nothing compared to your daughter's future.

Carter

I wish you were going to make it. You have an endless flow of chatter.

Mrs. Carter

What do you mean?

Waiter

(ENTER L.)

Carter

Nothing.

Waiter

Nothing?

Carter

Nothing.

Waiter

Nothing. (EXIT L.)

Geo.

(ENTER R.)

Oh, hello Judge, there is a young lady in the next room who wishes to see you again.

Carter

Cut the young lady stuff. (UP TO HIM.)

Mrs. Carter

And who is this young lady who is anxious to see my husband again?

Geo.

Just an admiree of his speeches. (TO CAR.) By the way, she has one of your speeches now.

Mrs. Carter

(X.C.)

I trust she will be able to enjoy the one he is to make this afternoon.

Carter

(RISE AND MOVE L.)

I doubt if I shall speak today. My headache is getting steadily worse.

Lou

(EN. C.)

Hello, Georgie.....where is that cute aunt of yours?

Geo.

At home she is very modest and retiring.

Mrs. Carter

She hasn't evidently spent much time in your society.

Geo.

Oh, but she has...I used to say my prayers on her knee.

Mrs. Carter

I understood you to say she was younger than yourself.

Geo.

Oh...ah...well, a woman seems so much older than a man.

Carter

(DROPPING ON SETTEE)

Save the women first.

Mrs. Carter

(ANGRY AD LIB.)

Is that so? I hadn't noticed it.

Lou

(TO GEO.)

Let's go out and watch Miss Wills at tennis, dear, come.

Mrs. Carter

(X.C.)

Mr. Budd, we have decided that you are not a fit companion for Lou Ellen. In the future you will refrain from addressing her. Should she be so unfortunate as to meet you. Any other communication you wish to have with her shall be through her father or myself. I am now going to retire to the tea room; I feel the need of a little refreshment.

Carter

(RINGS BELL)

Me, too.

Waiter

(ENTERS L....STANDS AND LOOKS AT CAR. WHO DOES NOT SEE HIM.)

Mrs. Carter

You understand, Mr. Budd?

Geo.

Yes ma'am.

Waiter

Nothing. (EXIT L.)

Mrs. Carter

(EXITS L.)

Lou

Daddy..........

Carter

Go to your mother.

Lou

(X. R.....TURNS...LOOKS AT GEO.....THROWS KISS...EXIT R.)

Geo.

Judge Carter, I wish that you'd tell Lou Ellen that I shall wait 'till the final blast of Gabriel's trumpet for her. My love shall never die. (EXIT C.)

Carter

Oh damn! (RINGS BELL...PICKS UP SPEECH.)

Waiter

(ENTER L.)

Carter

Well?

Waiter

Nothing. (EXIT L.)

Carter

(LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE HIM EXIT)

Hey come back here.....confound that boy. (X.L.) Waiter...Oh what's the use?

Jackey

(ENTER R.)

(SEES CARTER) Tootles, dear.

Carter

Good heavens!

Jackey

How's the old bean?

Carter

Bean?

Jackey

What with two quarts of wine and the bang it got in the scrimmage I sadly fear (X. TO HIM) today's speech will not be up to standards. (PACE) And what, my friends, does the stars and stripes stand for?

Carter

You have my speech. Give it to me.

Jackey

What? Give up my wonderful souvenier of that wonderful evening. Oh, no.

Carter

(HAND IN POCKET)

How much?

Jackey

(C.)

$500.00....two diamond studded garters...a vanity case...200 cigar coupons.

Carter

Say when...say when.

Jackey

A rabbit's foot and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO KNOW."

Carter

Where shall I get those things?

Jackey

The policeman I helped you tackle grabbed my bag. In it are the articles mentioned.

Carter

You mean you will exchange my speech for your bag? (RISING.)

Jackey

(MOCKINGLY)

You have grasped the scenario of the drummer.

Carter

(OVER TO HER.)

But, my dear...it would be better if you should return the speech first thereby relieving my mind from anxiety, and I would be better able to wrestle with the problem of recovering your lost bag and its contents.

Jackey

Of course, I could trust you?

Carter

I have but one fault.

Jackey

Yes. So has a dime with a hole in it.

Carter

(TAKES HER HAND.)

I am honest in this, my dear.

Jackey

Good. If you're trying to find out what size gloves I wear, they're sixes.

Jim

(ENTER R.C.)

Carter

May I have it now, little girl?

Jim

(COMING DOWN)

Ah...ha...(BUS.) I seem to be intruding, so you love this old man?

Jackey

Jim...this is Tootles.

Carter

Since you insist, I shall find the Constable and see if I can get around him. I shall ply him with refreshments....liquid refreshments. I have little hope...still a drowning man will clutch at a straw.

Jim

Especially when he's drowning his troubles.

Carter

No use...troubles like my own can swim. (EXIT L.2.)

Jim

(GOING TO HER)

Why did you let that old mugwump hold your paw?

Jackey

Repugnant as it was to my modest girlish nature, I endured his caresses that I might win his help in my dire predicament. (WITH MOCK SENTIMENT) Oh what we girls suffer!

Jim

Then let us flee from this scene of degradation to some happier, sunnier clime.

Jackie

Stop, Jim, stop. Remember I have a romantic, trusting nature, and you are carrying me away.

Jim

To Florida...where the orange trees are in bloom...where upon a grassy knoll we can lie and watch the evening star rising above... It's celestial.

Jackey

And...the orange petals...tell me of the orange petals...and.

Jim

Yes. Cleopat.

Jackey

(PUSHES JIM OVER)

Tell me about the orange blossoms.

Jim

We're not married yet.

Jackey

Yah...us...ah.

Jim

Between us.

Jackey

Yah...us...ah.

Jim

Whadda ya mean "Yah...us...ah"? Between us would lie the green and......

Jackey

Oh, Jim why do you want a sword between us?

Jim

Jackey...

Jackey

The young bride dreamed of resting on the orange scented slopes of Florida, but alas, wakes up to find herself hitting the hay in Boulder.

DOUBLE "NESTING TIME IN FLATBUSH"

Geo.

(ENTER C. AFTER DOUBLE FOLLOWED BY BRIGGS...GEO..L.C.....BRIGGS R.C.)

Didn't you understand what I told you about? I said "Keep my aunt there at any cost."

Briggs

My eye! I did, sir, at an awful cost.

Geo.

I told you to act crazy if necessary.

Briggs

Well, sir, I called her names...made faces...did monkey tricks.. but she kept calling out.."He's a maniac....he's a maniac."

Geo.

Why didn't you lock her in the kitchen?

Briggs

That's just where I left her, sir. Just as she picked up the flat iron.

Geo.

Now, don't tell me she tried to hit you with it.

Briggs

Oh, no, sir, I fancy she only wanted to smooth things over.

Lou

(ENTER C. STARTS L.2.)

Geo.

If she comes here, I'm lost. (SEES LOU...START) Lou Ellen.

Lou

So, George, you mustn't speak to me. You promised Mother you know...And you always said your promise was sacred.

Geo.

That true, Briggs?

Briggs

Sir?

Geo.

Will you ask Miss Carter is she is aware there is a new moon this evening?

Lou

Please tell Mr. Budd I am.

Geo.

Will you suggest to Miss Budd that she make a wish on the new moon.

Briggs

Wish for wot, sir?

Geo.

She knows what to wish for.

Briggs

Mr. Budd suggests that you make a wish on the new moon, Miss.

Lou

(WITH LOUD SIGH)

Tell Mr. Budd I will. (WITH A LITTLE SQUEAK,)

Briggs

(MIMICKING HER)

The lady says "I will."

Geo.

(ASIDE DREAMILY)

"I will" how sweet those words from those dear lips.

Briggs

Oh, thank you, sir.

Lou & Geo.

(BOTH TURN TO BRIGGS ANGRILY.)

Briggs

(REALIZES MISTAKE AND EXITS HURRIEDLY R.2.)

Jackey

(ENTER C.)

Oh, George.

Lou

Oh Miss Budd (GUSHINGLY) I am so glad to see you.

Jackey

How are you, Miss Carter?

Geo.

(OVER TO R. OF JACKEY)

Quaker! Quaker!

Jackey

Hast thou been enjoying thyself?

Lou

Not a bit. Mother won't let me speak to George.

Jackey

What have they got against the poor gink?

Lou

Gink?

Jackey

(GEO. POKES JACKEY)

A Quaker word........poor lad I should say.

Simms

(ENTER L.2.)

How about the pajama pattern?

Geo.

(DISMAYED)

It's coming....it's coming.

Lou

(IN WONDER)

Pajama pattern?

Jackey

Thou shall have it, good man, I promise thee.

Simms

How's that?

Jackey

(CROSSING TO SIMMS)

I will even give thy good wife mine if thee will only beat it.

Simms

Thee. Why do you call me thee?

Jackey

Yes, friend, of course. I called thee...thee. What should thee expect me to call thee but thee.

Simms

Wonder what Judge Carter put in them drinks he gave me? Oh, Mr. Budd, you remember that mole I was asking you about?

Lou

A...mole...dear?

Geo.

Yes. A little animal that burrows under lawns. Have you caught it yet, Simms?

Simms

No....no...I asked you if she had a mole on her back.

(POINTS TO JACKEY)

Geo.

I never heard of any. (LOU SHOWS ANGER.)

Simms

Never heard? You don't find mole by listening for 'em...I mean a dark pimple.

Jackey

(X. QUICKLY TO LOU)

Geo.

(OVER TO SIMMS)

Come with me, Simms. you need something to pull you together.

(TAKES SIMMS ARM..LEADS HIM OFF L. AD LIBBING.)

Lou

What's the matter with him?

Jackey

Gone lame above the neck. (X. TO L. CALLS) Nephew...oh Nephew... send in two Bronx cocktails for me, please.

Lou

Do Quakers drink?

Jackey

It is permitted in case of illness. I suffer terribly with a REFLEX SURGASTRINORIUM. (ASIDE) I'm going to leave this. (TO LOU) When the drinks come, send them out on the porch.

Lou

Since you are feeling badly, I will see that you get a comfortable chair.

Jackey

I thank thee, my child. Thee shall get a star in thy crown for this.

(BOTH EXIT C.)

NUMBER

PEN

(ENTER C. AFTER NUMBER....LOOKS AROUND MEEKLY...SITS L.)

Simms

(OFF L.)

I don't want it I tell you. I've had enough.

(ENTER SEES PEN...STOPS AND STARES.)

PEN

What ails thee, friend? Why are thou staring at me?

Simms

Gosh, I've got 'em.

Pen

Thou acts very strangely.

Simms

Don't act that way...can't stand it.

Pen

Hast thou a list of people at this gathering?

Simms

Why dost thou ask..Damn it, you've got me talking that way now.

Pen

Hush, thou must not swear. That is the same wicked word that poor creature used when I struck him.

Simms

(STRAIGHTENING UP)

Struck him? Tell me..have you got a mole on your back?

Pen

Sir?

(RISING X.C.)

Simms

(SHOWS BADGE)

You better answer...or painful as the duty will be.

Pen

If thou dares to try it.

(STARTS AT HIM.)

Simms

(BRACING UP)

No..no it couldn't have been you. It was a young one.

Pen

And to think how close I came to striking thee. It shows that there is still a lot of the old spirit in me.

(X.C.)

Simms

(COMING FORWARD)

Spirits? Lots of spirits in you?

Pen

Sir, I am a total abstainer. I cam hither to find my nephew.

Simms

What is your nephew's name?

Pen

George Budd.

Simms

GEORGE BUDD.

Pen

Yes, is he here?

Simms

Yes, he's in there with his wife.

Pen

Thee can't mean he's married?

Simms

I was introduced to his wife last night.

Pen

Surely thee must be mistaken.

Simms

Well, if I am, it's a pretty bad mistake. She was a sittin in his room in a pair of blue pyjamas.

Pen

(TURNS BACK)

Pajamas? Oh, this is terrible...my little Geo..... go send him quickly.

Simms

Yessum. (STARTS)

Pen

And if thee will bring in a glass of water. I am quite overcome.

Simms

I'll send you out some lemonade.

Pen

I thank thee. Tell Mr. Budd his aunt....Penelope Budd.

Simms

Miss Envelopy Budd

(STARTS TO EXIT L. STEPS ASIDE FOR POLLY)

Gee, that's something nice in spring clothes.

(EXIT.)

Polly

(LOOKING AFTER HIM.)

I never could understand what cooks seen in policemen. (SIT R. OF TABLE.)

Pen

My child, what has he done to thee?

Polly

Oh, the clumsy thing let my dog bite him once.

Pen

How terrible!

Polly

Wasn't it? He's been follish every since.

Pen

Poor policeman.

Polly

Not the policeman; my dog.

Waiter

(ENTER L. WITH 3 COCKTAILS ON TRAY...TO POLLY)

Miss Penelope Budd?

Pen

Here.

Waiter

(X.L. OF HER.)

Mr. Budd ordered these for you.

Pen

Oh, how quick thou hast been. (TAKES ONE GLASS) What small glasses of lemonade. (DRINKS RAPIDLY.)

Polly

(BUS WITH LIPSTICK, POWDER PUFF ETC.)

Pen

(PUTS FIRST GLASS ON TRAY..WIPES MOUTH.)

Polly

(LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE BUS.)

Lemonade..that's good!

Pen

Yes, very. Will thee have more? (DRINKS SECOND.)

Polly

No, thanks, I prefer a Willie's dream.

Waiter

Yes'm.

Polly

And not too much gin it it, little sun burst.

Pen

Gin? (TRIES TO RISE...BUS WITH KNEES...FINALLY WALKS R.) If thee would drink a harmless beverage like this. (GOES L. JUST REACHES TRAY...TAKES THIRD GLASS.) It would be quite sufficient. Can thee bring me a pitcher of this, waiter?

Waiter

(AMAZED)

A pitcher? Sure.

(X. IN FRONT OF POLLY SINGING "OH MAN SHE COULD WACKY WOO" EXIT L.)

Pen

What are thee doing, my dear?

Polly

There. Are my lips on straight?

Pen

Thou art very comely. What a beautiful dress thou hast on. Dost thou always wear pretty dresses?

Polly

Not after three in the morning. They tell me that I am all to the mustard in my pajamas.

Pen

Do thee wear blue pajamas?

Polly

I wear blue on Thursdays.

Pen

(THICKLY)

Yesterday was Thursday.

Polly

And they are embroidered with Forget Me Nots.

Pen

George's favorite color.

(ABOUT TO CRY.)

Waiter

(ENTER L. WITH PITCHER)

Here's the handsome waiter, lady.

(X TO PEN...SHE TAKES PITCHER...WAITER X.L. TO POLLY.)

Polly

Waiter take that away from her. She's half boiled now.

Waiter

Mr. Budd said, "Give her anything she wanted, Miss."

Polly

Oh, well girls will be girls. (EX. L.)

Waiter

Yep...just as long as boys are boys. (EX. AFTER POLLY.)

Pen

(WITH PITCHER.)

My poor misguided George.

(STARTS R. AND TRIPS LIGHT.)

I can't believe it. It makes my head swim.

(DRINKS AND ENTER TO TABLE HAS TROUBLE SETTING PITCHER DOWN. LOOKS AROUND.)

I thought this was a room, but it's a merry go round. I haven't been on one since I was a child.

(SERIOUSLY LIFTS FRONT OF [ILLEGIBLE] AND PULLS IT DOWN AGAIN.)

I think I'll sit on this horse.

(GOES TO [LLEGIBLE] AND STRADDLES IT.. BUS WITH [ILLEGIBLE] AGAIN.)

A little undignified I suppose. Still you are only young once.

Geo.

(ENTERS SEES AUNT AND STANDS AGHAST.)

Pen

(SEES GEO. WAVES HANDKERCHIEF)

Hello, Georgie, say I'm going to get the brass ring. Why don't you sit on the horse behind me when it comes round?

Geo.

(HELPING HER)

That's all right, now you go to the ladies' room and lie down.

Pen

Now... I want to lay down right here.

Geo.

But in there you can pull the shades and make it dark.

Pen

All ri...shay, George...you haven't got a pair of blue pajamas I could borrow? Whoopee! Oh Boy!

(EXIT L.)

Simms

(ENTER L.)

Oh, Mr. Budd, about them blue pyjamas....Mrs. Budd said she'd give my old Lady a pair. But here's the question...will they fit?

Geo.

How on earth should I know?

Simms

I would say they weight about the same, but its distributed different. The old woman is built on the lines of a tadpole. Very much wasted. I guess I better call her and get her measurements.

(SEES HANDBAG SITS DOWN...STARTS LOOKING THROUGH HANDBAG.)

Jackey

(ENTER L.)

Georgie, they've.

Geo.

Sh... (POINTS TO CONSTABLE, EX. R.)

Jackey

(X.)

What have you there, Constable?

Simms

Bag. Belongs to that female as assaulted me. If I can't trace her from this, my name ain't Ira Simms.

Jackey

I wonder if you can? (PICKS UP PIN.)

Simms

What's that?

Jackey

A pin.

Simms

That's funny. Here's a rabbit foot... The woman that owns this bag is superstitious, too.

Jackey

Well, I'm not.

Simms

Why did you pick up that pin?

Jackey

Pins are worth money. I know a man who makes six dollars a week picking up pins.

Simms

Gosh, how can he gather that many?

Jackey

He works at a bowling alley.

Simms

Aw, shucks. (U. TO L.) Right persnickity ain't you? (EX.)

(GEO. ENTER R. U........JIM ENTERS C.)

Geo.

Jim, the most terrible thing has happened.

Jim

You are the original Campbell's soup kid...always getting in hot water. Now what is it?

Geo.

My aunt is here.

Jim

Here in the clubhouse?

Geo.

Yes.

Jackey

Mother, come get your angel child. (X.U.L.C.)

Jim

(DOWN R.)

They are coming over the plate a bit fast, aren't they?

Geo.

Life is too complicated for me. I wish we were back in the Gold age.

Jackey

The stone age. I'd be running from you two cavemen now.

Lou

(OFF L.)

George?

Geo.

(TO JACKEY)

Outside quick.

Jackey

It's getting thicker. (EX. R.)

Geo.

Yes, darling.

(GOES TO HER AS SHE ENTERS ...TRIES TO PLACE ARM AROUND HER.)

Lou

(REPULSES ARM)

I have some questions to ask you.

Geo.

(NERVOUSLY)

Questions?

Lou

I went to the Ladies' room just now and sat on the sofa... or rather I should have sat upon the sofa... instead I sat on a solid subtance which proved to be a woman's head.

Geo.

Terrible! We must notify the police at once.

Lou

Raising the curtain I found it to be the head of your aunt, Miss Penelope Budd.

Geo.

Ha...ha...I understand now. When you say my aunt Penelope...you mean my other aunt Penelope.

Lou

Other aunt Penelope?

Geo.

Yes. You got them mixed. Named after each other. The one you sat on is my great aunt. Good creature, but a little touched up here.

(HEAD RUB BUS.)

Lou

She seemed very level headed to me.

Geo.

Yes? Well I never sat on her head myself.

Lou

Answer me. Who was this woman in the blue pajamas?

Geo.

Blue pajamas?

Lou

(STERNLY)

You heard what I said. My pajamas!

Geo.

(HE'S TRYING TO TALK..CAN'T.)

Carter

(ENTER C. [ILLEGIBLE]

Stop, Mr. Budd, not a word. Remember you were forbidden to speak to Lou Ellen.

Geo.

Please tell her all will be explained.

Carter

When?

Geo.

Oh...who knows?

Lou

I'll go see Mother. My future happiness depends on her. (EX. L.)

Geo.

Where's that speech you were writing?

Carter

I've got ten words written and my brain feels like an over boiled cauliflower.

Mrs. Carter

(ENTER L. WITH LOU)

Now young man, I'm going to ask you few questions and I want no falsehoods, do you understand?

Geo.

Falsehood? Why I don't even know what the word means.

Mrs. Carter

You don't? Tell him, James...you know.

Simms

(ENTER C. AND COMES D.C.)

I got the old woman's dimensions right here. Over all 68 inches... hips 44. bust 32. Now tell me your ladies' bust measure.

Mrs. Carter

Your ladies' bust measure? (TO GEO.)

Geo.

(SICK)

This is a game you've seen those ads covering Annette Kallerman with Venus De Milo inch by inch.

Carter

I have often.

Mrs. Carter

(WHIRLING)

What!

Carter

[Illegible]

Geo.

(TRYING AGAIN)

Simms and I had an argument, and we're taking the measurements of our ideal woman.

Simms

These ain't the measurements of my ideal woman...not by a damn sight.

Jackey

(ENTER R.)

Lou

Mother, ask him who that woman is he calls his aunt.

Jackey

(TAKING IT ALL IN IN A GLANCE. TURNS AND STARTS TO HURRY BACK OUT)

Simms

(STARING AFTER JACKEY)

Mrs. Budd...one minute please.

Lou

MRS. BUDD.

Jackey

Simms I fear thee has been looking in the amber cup again.

Briggs

(ENTER R. WITH SPEECH USED IN ACT ONE)

Is this what you wrote, Miss?

Jackey

(TAKES AND READS)

What does the stars and stripes stand for? This is it.

Car.

Ye, gods! My speech. (HOLDS OUT HAND.)

Pen

(ENTER L.U.)

Simms

Something wrong about all this.

Pen

(STANDING BY BRIGGS.)

The maniac. There he is.

Briggs

(RUNS AROUND TABLE FOLLOWED BY PEN. HE X. R.U.)

MY EYE.

Simms

So that's the maniac. Here Judge, hold this.

(HANDS CARTER BAG BELONGING TO JACKEY.)

I'll catch him.

(EX. RUNNING AFTER BRIGGS.)

Jackey

My bag.

Pen

Oh, Georgie, has that man frightened me.

(OVER TO GEO.)

Geo.

(SOOTHING HER)

There. There, Auntie, you've had a bad dream.

Pen

George, thee says I dreamed I was attacked by a maniac. Did I also dream that you are married?

Geo.

Yes, Auntie...I am married...here's my wife! (INDICATING LOU)

Simms

(COMING DOWN C.)

All

Lou Ellen? You and Lou Ellen married? (AD LIB.)

Mrs. Carter

(FALLS IN CARTER'S ARMS)

Simms

You told me this one was your wife. (INDICATING JACKIE.)

Jim

(ENTER R. COMING TO JACKIE.)

Geo.

NONSENSE. That's the wife of Jim Marvin...at least she's going to be.

Jim

That's the first time Geo. has told the truth today.

Jackey

Do you know, Jim I'll bet that boy could eat garlic...then lie out of it.

Lou

I see, George, I'll have to be a little firm with you.

Geo.

A little firm? Good.....let's incorporate right now.

(KISSES HER.)

Waiter

(ENTER SEES LONG KISS BUS)

OH BOY!

FINALE.."TILL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY."

Table of Contents

ACT ONE

ACT TWO