OH, BOY
by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse
Lyrics by Guy Bolton and P.G. Wodehouse
Music by Jerome Kern
Produced at the Princess Theatre, N.Y., 20 Feb, 1907
Cast
Briggs (Geo Budds Valet) Character, Comedy
Polly Andrus (Friend of Jim Marvin), Flapper Type
Jim Marvin (Rounder), Juvenile
George Budd (Young Clubman), Lead
Lou Elle (Carter Budd's Fiancee), Lead
Jackie Sampson (A fun lover), Ingenue
Constable Simms (the Town Law Rube), Comedy
Miss Penelope Budd (A Quaker Spinster), Character Comedy
Jude Daniels Carter (An Old Devil), Character
Mrs. Carter (Grande Dame)
Waiter, Bit
ACT ONE
BACHELOR APARTMENT OF GEORGE BUDD AT SMALL VILLAGE NEAR TOWN.
TIME: EIGHT.
ACT TWO
THE MEADOWSIDES COUNTRY CLUB.
TIME: NEXT AFTERNOON
ACT ONE
Note Curtain rises to music of "Old Fashioned Wife". Briggs is standing
R. of C. with back to audience. Door bell rings off L. Briggs goes to
door, as he crosses boys and girls are seen out of window on fire escape.
They watch Briggs sign for telegram, and as he turns, they hide. Briggs
picks up fly swatter and starts to chase fly. Boys and girls hide as he
starts to exit R 2. Then two boys step in window R. and L. and help girls
in... Girls go R and L peering in and out. Then come down. Boys enter
and dress back of stage.
OPENING ENSEMBLE.
Jim
(ENTER AFTER OPENING WITH POLLY)
Hello Boys and girls.
Girls
Hello Jim.. Jim.. Jim
(AD LIB)
Jim
Have you routed him out yet?
Girls
Haven't looked yet.
Jim
We'll find him in his little downy bed. George is one of those quiet
chaps ... Very unsophisticated Never goes out. Fast asleep every night
at ten.
Polly
Oh surely not after the night his pal Jim Marvin led the Elks debating
team to victory.
Jim
It means nothing in George's young life that we won to night. Now keep
quiet, we are going to give the old boy the surprise of his young life.
Yonder in his chaste white bed room. Now when I count to three call him.
(X
SWITCH R.)
One two three.
Jim
(OPENS DOOR PEEKS IN. GETS RID OF HAT WHILE HE DOES SO)
What do you
know about that? He isn't here.
Jim
But that's all right we'll go into the dining room and pop open a few
quarts of the best.
Polly
Are you sure George won't mind?
Jim
Mind? Why George would share his last wife with me. You know I saved
his life once.
(OFFERS ARM TO POLLY STARTS R. ALL FOLLOW SINGING STRAIN OF
OPENING OR "HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" AND EXIT R. CLOSING DOOR)
Lou
(ENTER L 2. SHE IS SMILING HAPPILY... PAUSES LOOKS AROUND AND THEN
CROSSES R.C.)
George
(ENTERS AFTER SHE CROSSES. DROPS HER BAG BY TABLE AND PLACES HAT ON TABLE
LE... THEN RUSHES TO HER EMBRACE)
My Lambkin!
Geo.
I wonder did did anyone see us come in here?
Lou
Not a soul. Don't be so nervous dear.
Geo.
I was all right until I heard the minister say "WILT THOU GEORGE" and I
did.
Lou.
Oh! How thrilling it is to elope. I'd like to do it every day.
Lou
I mean with you dear.
(EMBRACE)
My great big cave man.
Lou.
George I read in the papers this morning that a man from Boreneo can buy
a wife for three dollars. Isn't that awful?
Geo.
Oh I don't know I think a really good wife is worth three dollars.
Geo.
I don't mean you. You're worth your weight in gold.
(TAKES HER FACE IN
HANDS AND KISSES HER ON TOP OF HEAD)
Lou
(PULLS AWAY)
Silly old George. Now I've got powder all over your shoulder.
Geo.
(BRUSHING IT OFF)
That's all right. Powder always brushes off easily.
Lou
George How do you know it will?
Geo.
Well I took the Chemisty course at college.
Lou
Oh I just can't help worrying about your past.
Geo.
I'm afraid my past was a very dark one.
Geo.
Because you weren't there to brighten it, Lou.
Lou.
Oh George.
(CROSS AND PUT HAT ON TABLE)
Geo.
Come Dear I want to show you the apartment.
(EXIT)
Double "You never knew about me"
(After Double phone rings.. Off stage all call Ad Lib... Jim answers the
phone. Jim enters R crosses to phone)
... Hello... Who? Oh the Landlord.
No this isn't Mr. Budd. Mr. Budd is out. A lot of girls? You bet there
are. Regular Himdingers.. Won't you come up and join us.
Jim.
Oh naughty naughty. That's not a pretty way to talk. Take that.
(HANGS
UP RECEIVER WITH A BANG AND SITS BY TABLE L....SEES BRIGGS)
The landlord
Briggs, Phoning from downstairs.
OFFSTAGE
(SINGING RAIN NO MORE)
Briggs
What's all this going on in the dining room Mr. Marvin?
Jim.
Just a gay little party. We're celebrating the golfing victory.
Briggs
But the landlord will never stand for it sir. He'll jolly well call
the blooming Police sir.
Jim
Yes. That's what he just told me.
Polly.
(ENTER R.)
Oh Jim. Have you anything that will open a can of sardines?
OFFSTAGE
Never mind Polly. I found a razor that opens them very nicely.
Briggs
Oh the Master's Razor!
Jim
Isn't it jolly to see the little dears having such a good time, Briggs?
Briggs.
Well I can't say as I gets much kick out of it sir.
Jim
Nonsense. What you and Mr. Budd both need is a little wholesome feminine
society.
Briggs
No thanks. I've had enough of girls. I've been dodging them ever since I
was a blue eyed boy.
Polly
Perhaps you have never met the right one.
Briggs
They're all alike. When nature makes a bloomer she sticks to it.
(EXIT L)
Jim
Nature's mistake is not making enough girls.
Polly
I see. You wish they grew on trees.
Jim
That's the idea. I want a garden where I can gather a whole bunch of
American beauties, before breakfast every morning.
(EXIT WITH POLLY R.
CLOSE DOOR LOUD TALK OFF STAGE)
Lou.
(ENTER X TO DESK)
While you are packing your bag I'll write a note to Father
and Mother telling them what we've done.
Geo.
(OVER L. BY TABLE)
What we've not done?
Lou
(CROSSING TOWARD HIM)
About our elopement I mean
(SEES TELEGRAM)
Oh Darling
there's a telegram for you.
Geo.
(LOOKING AROUND)
Where?
Lou
Don't you see, stuck on that statue.
Lou
No Dear. Let me take it off. I don't quiet approve of you having a statue
like that in your room.
Geo
(HANGS HAT ON STATUE TO COVER IT AND STANDS BACK OF TABLE)
Geo.
(HOLDING OUT HAND FOR WIRE)
But Darling
Lou
No dear I'll open it. Mother told me if I ever get married to be sure to
open all my husband's telegrams. She said it's the only safe way.
Lou
(READING)
Your letters fill me with dismay. Commit no rash act until you
have seen me. Arrive at thy home to morrow morning. Love Aunt Penelope.
Geo.
(Coming down L of table.. Takes wire)
Good Lord.
Geo
Aunt Penelope is my Guardian
(X R)
I wrote her and told her that I had
met the one girl in the world
(PLACE ARM AROUND HER)
and was trying to
get up courage enough to ask her to marry me.
Lou
That's what she means by rash deed?
Geo.
If she called getting engaged a rash deed what will she call getting
married.
Lou
George as much as I hate to say it we will have to postpone our Honey
Moon.
(X L)
Lou
Oh yes. She will never forgive you if you aren't here to receive her.
Geo.
Oh I can't help that.
Lou
Didn't you tell me that she had charge of your family estate?
Geo.
Yes But she can cut me off with my allowance if she wants to. The
deuce with Aunt Penelope and our money...... This is our bridal night.
(KISS HER)
Lou
(STARTS TO CRY)
No George. You must be brave and take me home.
Lou
Yes. Where is my bag?
Geo.
Oh leave your bag here sweetie. Then we can get away at a minute's notice.
Lou
All right.
(X TO BELOW TABLE)
First I am going to take out the picture
of my dear George. I am going to sleep with your dear face right beside me
to night.
(TAKES OUT PICTURE AND KISSES IT)
Lou
(TAKES OUT FANCY BLUE SUIT OF PAJAMAS.. LAYS THEM ACROSS ARM NEAREST HIM)
Lou
(HOLDING THEM TOWARD HIM)
They're pretty aren't they?
Geo.
(TAKES THEM)
Beautiful oh... My lamb.
(THEY UNROLL AND SLIPPERS FALL OUT)
Your dear little slippers.
(GETS TO KNEES AND PLACES THEM SIDE BY SIDE)
Resting beside mine... Oh my darling.
(RISES AND STARTS TOWARD HER)
Jim
(OFF STAGE SINGING WITH BUNCH)
Won't go home until morning...
(CLAPPING
HANDS AND ETC.)
Lou
(CLUTCHES HIM)
What's that!
(PICKS UP PAJAMAS AND SLIPPERS AND PUTS THEM
IN BAG)
Geo.
Some people in the dining room.
(CROSSES R. PEEKS CAUTIOUSLY COMES BACK)
It's that idiot Jim Marvin. He's giving a party in my rooms...Quick. I
think he saw me. Go into the bedroom dear.
Geo.
(OPENS DOOR L.3.)
Yes. Here.
Geo.
(STANDS IN FRONT OF DOOR)
Jim
(ENTER R.2.)
Ah there you are old Tortoise.
Geo.
What does this mean Jim?
Jim
A little surprise party.
(JIM IS RATHER BOILED)
Geo.
(COMING C.)
Now Jim I......
Jim
We were out celebrating the great golfing vic. and I... I thought of you
all alone here.... And I said "let's share our fun with old George" and here
we are.
Geo.
(SARCASTIC)
It's damn nice of you.
Jim.
You're welk... Entirely Welk...
(BUS)
Those darn girls have entirely mussed
up my marcel wave.
(STARTS TO BEDROOM)
Have you got a brush in your bedroom?
Geo.
(STARTS UP IN FRONT OF HIM)
No I don't use a brush.
Geo.
I comb my fingers through my hair... It's better for the scalp.
Jim
George you ain't well.
Geo.
(WATCHING DOOR NERVOUSLY)
I... I feel perfectly well.
Jim
He.. He.. You're as nervous as a bride groom.
(OFF STAGE)
(OH JIM YOU'RE SPOILING THE PARTY. COME ON BACK)
Jim
(STARTS R. TURNING)
By the way whom were you talking to just now?
Geo.
Oh I was talking to myself... I often do.
Jim
Gosh you're in worse shape than I thought.
(POINTS TO BENCH)
Sit down.
Geo.
(SITS)
I'm all right really.
Jim
You don't want to wake up some morning and find yourself in the nut factory.
Do you? Have you any other symptoms? Acid taste in the mouth? Cold
feet...... Do you see floating spots? Show me your tongue.
Geo.
(RISING IMPATIENTLY TALKING)
I wish you'd go away and leave me alone.
(GOES R. AS IF TO OPEN DOOR FOR JIM)
Jim
(FOLLOWING)
Oh don't be ridiculous.....Come in and join the party and be
our little ray of sunshine.... These are nice girls!
Geo.
(LOU STICKS HEAD OUT OF DOOR. GEO. SEES HER. STARTS SINGING)
Go back...
Go back.... Into your ponk cocoon.
Jim
The outburst of song.
Geo.
Was I singing... Unconscious... Quiet unconscious.
Jim
You are going to have a nervous breakdown. You're on the verge of neurea
Thenia.
Polly
(ENTERS WITH GIRLS.)
Oh Jim. Why didn't you come back?
(GIRLS EXIT)
Jim
Ladies allow me to introduce Mr. Geo. Budd, the human sunbeam. Miss Polly
Andrews and her gang.
(ASIDE TO GIRLS)
Nervous wreck. Very melancholy.
Cheer him up. Make a fuss over him.
Girls
(GATHERING AROUND GEO.)
How do you do Mr. Budd? We've heard so much about you.
(AD LIB)
Geo.
(BUS LOOKING AT DOOR. BREAKS AWAY FROM GIRLS TO JIM)
Jim
(TRIES TO SHAKE HANDS)
Geo.
I've met you haven't I?
(GIRLS GO UP TO WINDOW)
Geo.
(TO JIM)
Now look what a mess you've got me into.
Jim
Oh, cheer up, little one. I'll go with you and interview this money
grabber. The honeyed word.. the beaming smile. Just leave it to me.
(EXIT WITH GEO. L.2.)
Polly
(OVER TO WINDOW..HOLDING HAND OUT)
Oh, look it's started raining.
Lou
(PEEPS OUT DOOR. HAS COAT AND HAT IN HAND. TRIES TO STEAL OUT DOOR.)
Polly
(SEES LOU.)
Why, who's the little girl?
(GETS HOLD & BRINGS LOU D.C.)
Polly
Did you come to the party?
Polly
(R. OF LOU)
Well, you're too late. I'm afraid it's all over.
Lou
(STARTS FOR DOOR AGAIN)
Well, then I guess I may as well go home.
Polly
Oh, no, we'll go back to the Cherry Tree Inn Cabaret as soon as Mr. Marving
comes back.
Lou
I never go to Cabarets.
Lou
My..my husband wouldn't like it.
Polly
O...h, you're married?
Polly
Well, cheer up. Don't let it make you morbid. Love, honor, and be
gay is the vow the modern wife takes.
Lou
But I'm an old fashioned wife. I promised to obey my husband.
Girls
How perfectly foolish.
Polly
(SEATS LOU AND STANDS BEHIND HER.)
POLLY'S NUMBER
"AN OLD FASHIONED WIFE"
ALL EXIT
George
(EN. L.2. FOLLOWED BY JIM.)
Now, Jim you've got to clear those girls
out in five minutes. You heard what I said.
Jim
(CROSSING R.C.)
All right all right.
Geo.
(CENTER)
And tell them to go down the kitchen stairs. I'm going
out in a few minutes myself, and I don't want to meet them.
Jim
You're a fine host...I'll have to square it with them some way.
I know...we'll take them to the country club tomorrow. That will
make them forget being thrown out of here tonight.
Geo.
I'm not going to the country club.
Jim
Oh yes you are. I'm going to be presented with an Elks' head for
winning the Debate, and, besides, a prominent Judge is going to make
the presentation speech.
Jim
But this old Johnny is in a class by himself. He always winds up by
saying "Waiter, give me the check".
Boys
Off Stage
Oh, Jim, come on.
Jim
(STARTS TO EXIT R.2.)
Geo.
(FOLLOWING OVER)
But, Jim........
Jim
Some other time.
(EXITS.)
Lou
(ENTER FROM BEDROOM WITH HAT ON)
George, has that man gone?
Geo.
Yes, now's our chance to get away.
Lou
(COMING C. TO HIM)
George. I'm not sure that I liked the way that you
hid me in that room.
Geo.
But, Petty, it was the only thing to do.
Lou
But, you did it so naturally. Just as if you'd had lots of practice.
(X R. TO USE MIRROR.)
Geo.
We must hurry, dearest.
Lou
Just a second, George, there's a mouse in that room.
Lou
Just a moment, dear, have you any cheese?
Geo.
Cheese? Are you hungry?
Lou
No, for the mouse. You ought to set a trap.
(BUSY WITH PERSONAL
APPEARANCE.)
Geo.
I must get you home. Aren't you ready now, darling?
Lou
Dearest, haven't I been telling you for the last five minutes that
I would be ready in a second?
Geo.
Just think...parted like this on our bridal night.
Geo.
But it won't be long.
(MUSIC) "WANT TO BE A GOOD LITTLE WIFE"
GEO. & LOU EXIT L.2.2
NUMBER THREE.
(AFTER NUMBER....LOUD GLASS CRASH...HUB BUB OF TALK OFF R.U.
JACKEY APPEARS AT WINDOW L. ENTERS DRESSED IN HANDSOME EVENING
GOWN AND OPERA COAT........SHE CROSSES AND STARTS TO OPEN DOOR R.
JIM IS HEARD TELLING GIRLS GOOD NIGHT.)
Jim
We'll meet about half past nine. That's all right.
Jackey
(HEARS VOICES...HIDES BEHIND CURTAIN R.C.)
Jim.
(ENTER R.2. CLOSING DOOR AFTER HIM)
Briggs
(SEES OPEN WINDOW...
EXITS UP TO IT TALKING MEANWHILE)
Huh, window wide open and
burglars could come right in...then what would old Geo. say?
(CLOSES WINDOW AND TURNS TO FIND HIMSELF COVERED WITH JACKEY'S
REVOLVER.)
Jackey
(WATCHES JIM AS SOON AS BACK IS TURNED AND WHEN HE CLOSES WINDOW...
STEPS OUT AND COVERS HIM.)
Don't make any noise or cry out...I
am a desperate woman.
Jackey
I think you'd bet...better hold up your hands.
Jim
Anything to be obliging.
(PUTS UP HANDS)
Say, you're all gotten up
to kill, aren't you?
Jackey
Now, don't kid me, or I'll cry.
OFF STAGE
(DOOR SLAMS OR LOUD KNOCK)
Jackey
(FRIGHTENED..DROPS REVOLVER.)
What's that?
Jim
(PICKS UP REVOLVER)
Pardon, is this yours?
Jackey
(TAKES REVOLVER..POINTS IT AT JIM)
Jim
(PUTS UP HANDS AGAIN)
Jackey
I'm so frightened...What shall I do?
(Xs TO DESK.)
Jim
Do? Go right ahead...take everything that isn't nailed down. It
doesn't belong to me.
Jackey
You don't think that I am a burglar?
Jim
No, oh no, of course not, I rather fancied that you dropped in for
tea.
Jackey
I'm trying to escape from the police.
Jim
What has the police force got against you?
Jackey
I hit him in the eye.
Jim
Oh I say....don't you think that was a little injudish?
Jim
Striking an officer means a year in the penitentiery.
Jackey
It was all Tootles' fault.
Jim
Tootle? What kind of a drink is Tootle?
(X TO HER.)
Jackey
I was up at the Cherrytree Inn having supper.
(POINTS GUN...
JIM'S HANDS GO UP.)
At a nearby table was a party of old gentlemen.
One of them kept talking to me and asked me to call him
Tootles....pet name you know.
Jim
I imagine that Tootles had been taking a long lingering look at
the wine when it was red.
Jackey
Yes, he had.
(GUN ON HIM.)
He stood on a table and insisted on reading
a speech that he said he was going to deliver at some affair
tomorrow. He had just started when the policeman came in and told
him he would have to keep quiet.
Jim
And that made Tootles sore?
Jackey
Did it? He turned that policeman around and kicked him.
(TURNS
AND ILLUSTRATES IT.)
Jim
And that made the policeman sore?
Jackey
Well, it must have bruised him. Oh it was terrible. The policeman
grabbed me, and I ......hit him. Then I got away and the policeman
after me.. I ran and ran...Then I saw the fire escape and that
window open....so I came in.
(TURNS AWAY BUS.)
Jackey
(STARTS UP TO WINDOW.)
Jim
Please don't go. And tell me, why the Big Bertha?
Jackey
This?
(GUN)
Oh I picked it up when the policeman dropped it during
the excitement....though I hardly remember doing it.
Jim
Better give it to me.
(SHE DOES)
You don't need to hold a gun on
me.
(HE TURNS...HER HANDS GO UP)
Any scrape you get into
(PUTS
GUN INTO POCKET)
you can count on my co op.
Jackey
That's awfully kind of you, Mr. Mr.........
Jim
Marvin....Jim Marvin is my name.
Jackey
Mine is Jackey Sampson.
Jim
Jackie Sampson? Sounds familiar.
Jackey
I suppose. I'm in that Morality play at the Lyceum this week.
(TAKES OFF COAT AND PUTS IT DOWN ON BENCH L...ALSO BLUE SCARF..
DOING SO TURNS BACK TO AUDIENCE AND SHOWS MOLE ON NECK.)
I
play Modesty.
Jim
Must be a darn fine actress.
Jackey
I beg your pardon.
Jackey
(JUMPING TO C.)
Oh, what's that?
Simms
Open this yere door.
Jackey
It's the policeman.
Simms
(RINGS BELL INTERMITTENTLY)
Jim
I can handle him...Don't be nervous. Come back, Jackey, be a man.
Jackey
I...I'll try.
(CROSSES TO DOOR R.)
Simms
Wake up and open this yere door.
Jim
Let me talk to him. You know the honeyed word...the beaming smile,
but I think you'd better hide.
Jackey
(EXIT IN DOOR. TAKES COAT BUT LEAVES SCARF.)
Jim
(VERY BRAVE...WHISTLES AND TAKES TIME..CROSSES L. AND OPENS DOOR)
Jim
(CATCHES LOOK AND GOES UPSTAGE)
Have a chair.
Simms
I'm looking for a woman that assaulted me that that woman was
seen entering this window.
(GOING UP TO WINDOW)
Jim
(MOVING OVER R.2.)
Nonsense old dear, nonsense.
Simms
I tell you she did.
(START SNOOPING AROUND ROOM...PICKS UP JACKEY'S
SCARF.)
AH...HA....What's this?
Simms
This here
(SMELLS IT)
IS A WOMAN'S SCARF.
Jim
Why so it is......I...
Simms
(LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE.)
Yi....Yi....Yi.......
Jim
(ASIDE)
Oh, damn...
(TO SIMMS)
Well.
Simms
So there's a woman here. Who is she?
(CROSSES L. OF JIM. THROWS
SCARF ON BENCH.)
Jim
This is Mr. George Budd's home. Where else would you expect his wife
to be?
Simms
I never knowed Mr. Budd was married.
Jim
I admit he doesn't give that impression.
Simms
I want to look at this Mrs. Budd.
Jim
No use, Constable, she loves her husband.
Simms
Now here now here don't try to elucidate me, I got to see her.
(STARTS)
Jim
(HOLDING UP HAND TO STOP HIM.)
Simms
Young man, you are obstructin the law.
(TURNS UP VEST AT BOTTOM
SHOWING BADGE.)
Jim
I didn't get it the first time, may I have another flash?
Simms
(SHOWS BADGE AGAIN)
Jim
Mr. Budd is not home.
Simms
Hain't eh. Well, I got too much to do to stand around waiting for
him. But I won't have much trouble tracking that female as assaulted
me.
(GOES L)
Jim
Why, have you got her description?
Simms
No, but I got her bag.
Jim
Do you know what she looks like?
Simms
Well, no......I ain't very sure. You know, I always take my specks off
before I mix it in a rough house, so I'm kinder uncertain bout both
them criminiles.
Simms
Well, I'll be steppin'.
(SCRATCHES CHIN.)
Mebbe I'll be back later.
(UP TO DOOR.)
Jim
Take my advice and give the eye a little beefsteak party.
Simms
Uh....huh....Say how did Mr. Budd ever fix it with his wife so he
could stay out so late? My old woman wouldn't stand for it.
Jim
I didn't know you were married.
Simms
Oh, I'm one of those close mouthed fellows. I keep my troubles
to myself.
(EXIT L.2.)
Jim
I'll see you out, Constable.
(EXIT AFTER SIMMS.)
NUMBER
Jim
(ENTER L.2. AFTER NUMBER.)
Jackey
(ENTER R.)
My bag...he has my bag.
Jackey
Oh, what shall I do now?
Jim
Was there anything much in your bag?
Jackey
Anything much? Five hundred dollars, two diamond stuffed garters,
vanity case, 200 cigar coupons, and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG
GIRL OUT TO KNOW." But worst of all....a rabbit's foot.
Jackey
Off a rabbit that was shot at full moon in a graveyard.
Jim
Great scott!
(LAUGHS)
Are you supertish?
Jackey
Why you abreviate your words?
Jackey
Oh, I hate to lose that rabbit's foot.
Jim
Don't worry, I'll get it back for you. Now see here, if we could
only get old Tootles to come forward and tell the truth, he can
clear you.
Jackey
You're just wonderful to go to all this trouble for a person you
don't even know!
Jim
I feel like I've known you always.
Jackey
That's funny, I do, too.
Jim
Perhaps we've met before.
Jackey
Perhaps. When I was Queen of Babylon, and you were a Christian slave.
Jim
(LAUGHING)
Well we've met this time and we're going to be pals.
Jackey
That's it...pals.
(JACKEY OFFERS HAND WHICH HE TAKES)
DOUBLE "PAL LIKE YOU"
Briggs
(ENTER FROM R.U.)
Well, I'm blowed.
(SEES JACKEY'S SCARF.)
Those
gay young parties still hanging around?
(WINDS CLOCK. GOES UP TO
BEDROOM DOOR....KNOCK...PAUSE...KNOCK AGAIN.)
Mr. Budd, I'm
going home. I set the alarm for nine o'clock.
(TO L.2.
GRUMBLING)
Might as well talk to a bloomin' Hegyptian Spink.
(EXIT L.2.)
Jackey
Who was that knocking?
Jim
George's man, Briggs, he only comes in for the day.
Jackey
Are you going to hunt for Tootles now?
Jim
(R. OF HER)
Yes, I am off to find Tootles.
Jim
All night. It's terrible sloppy outside, besides Simms is snooping
around and would be very suspish if you went out now.
Jackey
But where shall I sleep?
(X L.)
Jackey
In George's room?............and where is George?
Jim
Went out to avoid some girls I had up here. Hates girls....George
does.
Jackey
You mean he's coming back?
Jim
Of course he is, but you must explain that he is to come over and
sleep on the sofa at my place.
(EXIT TO DOOR R.)
Jackey
(FOLLOWING)
Oh I see. He won't object.
Jim
Not a bit...George will do anything for me. You see, I saved his
life once. By the way are you hungry?
Jackey
No, but I'm dreadfully tired.
Jim
Well, turn in and make yourself comfy. George may be very late.
Jackey
All right. You had better leave me now or the Inn will be closed.
Jim
You're right. I'll pop around in the morning and report any success.
I'm on my search for Tootles.
Jim
(STARTS FOR DOOR...TURNS AND WHISPERS LOUDLY)
I'm going down the back
way, so Simms won't see me.
Jackey
(APING HIM)
All right.
Jim
(EXIT CLOSING DOOR SOFTLY)
Jackey
(OPENS DOOR TO BEDROOM...PEEPS IN THEN TURNS AND STARTS FOR SCARF...
SEES LOU'S BAG....OPENS IT.....TAKES OUT PAJAMAS AND HOLDS THEM UP)
So George hates girls...Oh, boy.
(LIGHTS...THROWS PAJAMAS ACROSS
ARM..PICKS UP ELECTRIC CANDLESTICK AND EXITS TO DOOR)
>Well, they're
better than nothing.
(EXITS IN BEDROOM CLOSES DOOR.)
NUMBER
Geo.
(ENTER L. HAS TOP COAT AND HAT...BUS AS IF SHAKING RAIN FROM THEM
AS HE REMOVES THEM....CROSSED TO DESK...PANTOMINE WRITING NOTE.)
Jackey
(AS GEORGE WRITES SHE ENTERS AND STANDS WATCHING HIM...HAS ON
PAJAMAS......WHEN HE SEALS NOTE)
Are you Mr. Budd? How do you
do. I'm your wife.
Geo.
Jim was right in having a nervous breakdown.
Jackey
I was afraid it would be a rather shock to you, but Mr. Marvin
said you wouldn't mind.
Geo.
(LIGHTS)
Well, just to make sure, would you mind if I pinched you?
(COMES DOWN R. OF HER)
Jackey
Indeed I would. You see, I climbed into your rooms to save myself
from the police.
Jackey
Yes, I was mixed up in a fight. Not my fault.....and Mr. Marvin
thought it was safer for me to stay here all night.
Jackey
Yes, and he said you were to sleep at his house.
Geo.
Oh, that nice comfortable sofa...horse hair...with three broken
springs, I suppose.
Jackey
I believe he did mention a sofa.
Geo.
Tell me. Who did you say you were when you came in?
Jackey
Your wife. That was Mr. Marvin's inspiration also when the police
insisted on searching the place.
Geo.
Not with you, but I'd like to wring Jim Marvin's infernal neck.
Jackey
I hope you don't mind me wearing your pajamas?
Jackey
Yes, aren't they yours?
Geo.
Well...in sort of a way.....they're mine.
Geo.
Well er you see, I don't wear them myself.
Jackey
(TEASINGLY)
OH Geo........I'm afraid Jim doesn't know you as well
as he thinks he does.
Geo.
Why....nothing of the sort...Why, really you don't understand.
Simms
(ENTER THROUGH C.D. WEARING RAINCOAT)
Jackey
(SEES SIMMS AND JUMPS DOWN STAGE BELOW DESK.)
Simms
Good evenin' hope I ain't buttin' in.
(COMES C.)
Simms
Gave you a start, didn't I, Missy? You seem kinder scared.
Jackey
Well, it naturally frightened me seeing a strange man walk in like
that. Ask him what he means by intruding on our privacy, darling?
Jackey
Why, of course, I'm Mrs. Budd.
(TO GEORGE)
Surely, Sweetheart, this
man hasn't the right to break into our little nest like this?
Simms
I ain't interferin' with your nest, so come off your perch.
(MOTION FOR HER TO EXIT L.)
I want you to answer me
trueful....Is this Mrs. Budd?
Jackey
(COMING R. OF SIMMS)
Didn't I just tell you I was Mrs. Budd?
Simms
Well, I thought maybe you was lying.
Jackey
George, are you going to stand there and let this man insult your wife?
Geo.
MY wife wouldn't lie, Constable.
Geo.
No, she has too much honor.
Simms
Too much on her? If she had on much less I'd pinch her.
Jackey
Will you kindly go?
Simms
Just one question...Has she got a mole on her back?
Geo.
(LAUGHING)
I don't know.
George
Well, we haven't been married long.
Simms
Oh...oh.
(L. OF GEORGE TURNS TO JACKEY)
I'm looking for a woman with
a mole where her middle dress button ought to be. I ain't got much of
an idea of what she looks like otherwise, but I did get some good view of
the geography of her back.
Geo.
What do you want the woman for?
Simms
For assaulting me. I got a warrant for her arrest.
Geo.
But surely, you don't think this...er...my wife insulted you?
Jackey
(X AND LEAN ON GEO.)
Simms
Not if she is your wife. Feller down stairs told me you were a
bachelor.
Simms
When did you go wrong?
Simms
Today? I'm telling you straight, young man, I don't believe you.
Geo.
You don't? Wait....Here's my Marriage Certificate.
(TAKES OUT PAPER
AND HANDS IT TO SIMMS)
Simms
(TAKES PAPER...LOOKS AT IT)
Marriage Certificate....That's right....
That's the Union Label...Doggone it..That settles it.... I
apologize. I am sure buttin in
(EXIT TO DOOR L.2. TURN)
Say the
pajamas of yours certainly are becoming. Think I'll have to get
some for my old woman.
(EXIT L.2.)
Jackey
What a splendid idea....always carry a Marriage Certificate in your
pocket. You never can tell when it will come in handy, can you?
I'm so grateful....I don't know how I can ever repay you.
(STARTS
TO HIM.)
Geo.
(RETREATS A LITTLE)
I'd better be going now....
(RAIN)
Jackey
You've been so good to me...and after turning you out of your room,
too. It doesn't seem fair.
Geo.
That's all right...don't mention it again.
Jackey
Thank you all the same.
RAIN EFFECT HERE. INTRO. "CLOUDS ROLL BY"
CLOSE IN AFTER FINALE.
(PULL AWAY...ROOM IS FLOODED WITH SUNSHINE..BRIGGS IS ENTERED
L.2. GOES TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS)
Nine o'clock, Mr. Budd.
(RING AT DOORBELL...BRIGGS STARTS ACROSS TO DOOR)
Nice time to be
wallowing in bed.
(OPENS DOOR)
Carter
(ENTER)
Good morning.
Carter
I want to see Mr. Budd.
Carter
Carter. Judge Carter.
Briggs
I'm afraid sir he's still in the arms of Morpheus.
Carter
Get him out of them right away.
Briggs
Yes Sir
(X AND KNOCK)
excuse me there is a gentleman out here who
would rather like to see you.
(KNOCKS AGAIN.)
Carter
Who insists on seeing him.
Briggs
Who insists on seeing you. Do you wish the gentleman to come in?
Carter
He's a mighty sound sleeper.
Briggs
If he is sleeping.
Briggs
(LOOKING IN KEY HOLE)
The key hole isn't stopped up any way
(SNIFF)
I can smell no gas.
Carter
GOOD HEAVENS! You surely don't think.......
Briggs
Acted very strangely last night he did. Had a look about him like
Poor Uncle Joe's 'ad the day he swallowed Rat Poison.
Carter
But he has just become engaged to my daughter.
Briggs
Ah, that may account for it. I was afraid he might have done something
rash.
(PEEP IN KEYHOLE AGAIN.)
Geo.
(ENTER R.2....COAT ON ARM...HAT IN HAND)
What are you doing there,
Briggs?
Briggs & Carter
(BOTH TURN SHARPLY)
Carter
I am Judge Carter.
Geo.
(NERVOUSLY)
Judge Carter? I am glad to meet you
(TO BRIGGS)
That
will do, Briggs.
Carter
Mr. Budd, my daughter Lou Ellen informed me early this morning that
you and she were engaged, and I dropped in to meet you.
Geo.
Do you think this is an auspicious moment?
Carter
Not very. I've been out all night with some old class mates and
only had an hour of sleep. I want to ask you a few questions right
now.
Geo.
Suppose we take a spin in your motor? The fresh air will do your
headache good.
Carter
What do you mean, my headache?
Geo.
I beg your pardon, I mean my headache.
Carter
Well, why not my headache, I'm sure it's a damn site more of a headache
than yours.
Geo.
My headache begins at the soles of my feet and gets worse all the
way up.
Carter
Get your coat and come along.
Geo.
All right.
(STARTS UP C.....STOPS)
I forgot....I can't get my coat.
Geo.
It's in my bedroom, and I can't go in there.
Carter
Can't go in your own bedroom?
(ASIDE)
Must have a hangover.
Geo.
Well you see...er...no...
Carter
Young man, what have you got in your bedroom?
Geo.
(DOWN TO CARTER)
Why...er....chemicals.
Carter
What? Tell me....are you going to keep explosives in your bedroom
after you are married?
Geo.
I hope it won't be necessary.
Carter
Is it dangerous to go in there?
Geo.
Very. It's filtering through. Mustn't be jarred..even walking across
the floor might cause a catastrophe.
Carter
Young man, I think we will meet at some other place later on.
Geo.
Anywhere you like, sir.
Carter
(STARTS L. AND STOPS)
By the way..Lou Ellen informed me she was
bringing her mother here a little later on.
Carter
But I shall head them off.
Geo.
Yes...do...it wouldn't be safe for them here.
DOOR BELL RINGS.
Polly
(ENTER WITH SIX GIRLS)
Carter
(GOES UP R. OF TABLE)
Polly
Hello, George, are we early?
Polly
Jim said you had invited us to the Country Club for luncheon.
(X.C.)
Carter
(BUS.....PRIMPING.....X.L.C.)
Geo.
To the Country Club? Did I?
Girls
Of course, you did...yes....sure.
Polly
(CONFIDENTIALLY)
George, introduce me to the man with the India
Rubber Face.
Geo.
Ladies, this is Judge Carter.
Polly & Girls
Hello, Judge, glad to know you......ad lib.
Carter
(BOWING)
Ladies,
(TO GEO.)
I beg your pardon, but I feel out of place
in this whirl of gayety....see you later at the Inn. Ladies, good
morning.
(EXIT L.2.)
Briggs
(ENTER R.)
Bless my soul if ere isn't them little Parties again.
Geo.
What's that, Briggs?
(AS BRIGGS TALKS TRIES TO STOP
HIM)
Briggs
Your breakfast is laid out in the Dining Room, Sir.
Geo.
You're always hungry.
Briggs
There's quite a good sized omelette, sir.
Polly
Good for you, Jiggs....
(GRABS GEO.)
Come on, Georgie...let's eat,
girls.
(EXIT IN DINING ROOM)
Briggs
My eye! What is the Master coming to?
(EXIT AFTER THEM)
NUMBER
Briggs
(ENTER CARRYING NAPKIN)
My eyes never saw such gluttons hin hall my
life.
Geo.
(ENTER)
Briggs, are you good at entertaining ladies?
Briggs
Well, sir in my wicked days I was known as "Wicked Willie With the
Winning Wink". I was rather a dog among the fair sex.
Geo.
(POINTING)
Well go in there and be a dog among them now. Snap at
'em bite 'em.
Briggs
(HORRIFIED)
BITE! Eh? Me, sir?
(TO DINING ROOM DOOR AND PEER IN.)
Geo.
(TO BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCK)
Tell me are you all dressed?
Briggs
Well hi ope to tell you hi ham, sir.
(BUS)
Woy's missin?
Geo.
(COMES L. PICKS UP CUSHION)
I wasn't talking to you. I was speaking
to a lady in my bedroom.
Briggs
My eye! A young lady in your bedroom?
Geo.
Yes......have you any objections?
Briggs
Yes, sir, I was raised respectable.
Jackey
(ENTER...WEARING A BERBINED PETTICOAT THAT LOOKS LIKE A SKIRT.....
AND LOU'S BREAKFAST JACKET)
Good morning, George.
Jackey
You wonderful man, I found this lovely breakfast jacket in your room
you seem to have everything.....enough to equip a bride in that
little bag of yours.
Geo.
(STERNLY)
That will do, Briggs.
Jim
(ENTER L.2. CARRIES SUITBOX WRAPPED.)
Geo.
(X WITH JACKEY AND PEEPS IN DOOR WHERE GIRLS MADE EXIT)
Compared
to Jim Solomon was a woman hater.
Jim
So that's the idea....trying to queer me and boost your own stock.
Jim
Mornin, Jackey, here is a gown for you. I figured you'd want something
besides that evening gown.
Jim
Sure, and I've got a clue who Tootles is
(TAKES OUT PAPER)
This
was found on the floor at the Inn after the battle.
Jackey
(TAKES PAPER AND READS)
And what, my friends does the stars and
stripes stand for? It stands for....why this is Tootle's speech.
Jim
Those are the papers. With them I am prepared to face the sneaking
villain.
Jackey
How will you find him?
Jim
Elementary...my dear Watson....the honeyed word.....the beaming
smile....Leave it to your Uncle Sherlock.
(X.L. EXIT.)
Geo.
(LOOKING AT WATCH)
Briggs, go to the station and watch. If you
see an elderly lady get off the train, hold her there. Tell
her this place is being fumigated or something.
Briggs
(SNIFFING)
It could stand fumigating, too......if you ask me.
Lou
(OFF L.)
Here we are, Mother dear. This is George's apartment.
Geo.
(ALL EXCITED)
Wait a minute
(PUSHES JACKEY IN BEDROOM...THROWS HIM'S
BOX AFTER HER.....CLOSES DOOR....GETS BOX....LIES ON BENCH,
APPARENTLY DEEPLY INTERESTED)
All right.
Briggs
(X...OPENS DOOR...STANDS ASIDE OF IT.)
Mrs. Carter
(ENTERS .....LONGETTE IN HAND)
Is Mr. Budd in?
Lou
(ENTERS)
There he is, Mother...hard at work...George
Geo.
(LOOKING UP ASTONISHED..SPRINGS TO FEET)
Oh, it's you, dear.
Lou
(CROSSES R.C.)
George, this is Mother.
Geo.
(NERVOUSLY...COMES ACROSS...SHAKES HAND WITH MRS. CARTER)
How do
you do Mother.
Mrs. Carter
Good morning
(VERY COLD)
Mr. Budd.
Geo.
Briggs, shut that window, it's rather chilly here.
Briggs
(STARTS FOR WINDOW...STOPS AND LOOKS AT GEORGE)
Geo.
(TO MRS. CARTER)
Won't you sit down?
Lou
I told Mother and Father about our engagement.
Mrs. Carter
(SITS MAJESTICALLY)
Tell me, young man, can you support a family?
Geo.
How many of you are there?
Mrs. Carter
Perhaps I should have begun with the question of Mr. Budd's
morals.
Geo.
My mor....my what did you say?
Mrs. Carter
MORALS...M..O..R..A..L..S..MORALS. I presume you at least know
what they are.
(X R.)
Geo.
I was brought up by a Quaker Aunt, and I try to live according to
the rules laid down by the Quakers.
Polly
(ENTERS WITH GIRLS MAKING LOT OF NOISE)
Oh, George, where are the
rest of those delightful sandwiches we had last night.
Mrs. Carter
(RISES AND COMES A STEP DOWN...LOU RISES)
Who...may I ask are these?
Geo.
These ah, these. They are some friends of Jim Marvin's. Where is Jim?
Jim
Hey Geo.
(ENTER...L.2.)
Isn't it time we started?
Mrs. Carter
What are you doing with those persons in your apartment, Mr. George
Budd?
Jackey
(SCREAMS LOUDLY IN BEDROOM.)
Jackey
(RUNS FROM ROOM)
George, there's a mouse in your room.
(THROWS ARMS
AROUND GEORGE'S NECK.....ALL GIRLS LEAP ON AVAILABLE FURNITURE
HOLDING SKIRTS.)
Mrs. Carter
Mr. Budd, there seems to be ladies in every nook and corner of your
apartment. What does this mean?
Jackey
And to think I slept with it all night!
Geo.
Stop
(BRACING UP)
.....This
(JACKEY)
is my aunt.
Geo.
My aunt......my quaker aunt.
Mrs. Carter
(TO LOU)
Very funny.
Geo.
Yes, we often laugh about it, don't we, auntie, ha...ha..
(POKES
JACKEY IN RIBS.)
Jackey
(LOOKING STUPIDLY AT WINDOW)
Yes...often...ha..ha..ha..
Lou
Oh, George, your aunt is so different from what I imagined.
Jackey
Thought I was an old fluff with a cap and horn rimmed windshields,
I suppose.
Geo.
(CLOSE UP TO JACKEY)
Quaker! Quaker!
Jackey
(TO LOU)
Hast thou seen much of Quakers, child.
Lou
Only one or two, but very different from you.
Jackey
Oh, well, they belong to the old part, I am a 1927 model.
Mrs. Carter
Come, Lou, we are merely inviting contamination here. It is time we
left.
(X TO DOOR.)
Lou
(GOING OVER TO JACKEY)
Won't you come with us to the Country Club,
Miss Budd?
Girls
(AD LIB.)
Yes, please come.
Judge
(RINGS DOORBELL OFF L.)
Carter
(ENTER L.2.)
Ah, there you are, my dear, I missed you.
Geo.
(COMING DOWN)
I want to present my aunt, Miss Budd.
Jackey
(TURNS SEES CARTER)
Tootles!
Carter
I beg your pardon but
Mrs. Carter
(COMING L. OF JUDGE)
What do you mean by Tootles?
Geo.
Tootles is quaker for....HOW DO YOU DO.
Carter
(TO JACKEY)
Are you a quaker?
Carter
I must be going. I have to read an address at a meeting this afternoon.
(STARTS L.2.)
Jackey
Please don't go. I wish to converse with thee.
Carter
I'm sorry, but I must prepare my speech.
(Exits L.2.)
Jackey
(STARTS TO FOLLOW..MEETS MRS. CARTER)
I do so want to know thy judge
better.
Mrs. Carter
Oh, do you? And I should like to know you better....much better.
Geo.
(R. of C.)
Yes, I must tell you all about auntie as soon as we have
time.
INTRO. "YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ME."
Jackey
(SINGING TO MRS. CARTER)
Thee never heard about me, friend, and I
never heard about thee.
Geo.
I'd have some explanation in the court of conservation, but it slipped
from my mind as things do.
Geo.
My memory is awful...it's true.
Lou
Well, never mind..now's the time.
All
To show hospitality. Yes, we will show you round town today. We'll
all be gay during your stay.
Lou
Or if you'd rather chat with Father, that is just for you to say.
All
So if you'd rather talk to Father, or would he be in the way?
WE'LL SHOW YOU ROUND THE TOWN.
ALL ROUND AND UP AND DOWN.
IF YOU'LL ONLY WAIT.
WE NEVER HOPED TO FIND....
YOU WERE THE SPORTING KIND.
THIS IS SIMPLY GREAT
WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE....
FAR AND NEAR..WE'LL TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE
DON'T YOU FEAR. LEAVE IT ALL TO US.
WE KNOW WHERE TO GO. WE'LL ARRANGE IT SO
THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS
WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT
WE'LL MAKE A DAY OF IT.
NOW!
(ALL EXIT BUT GEO. AND JACKEY)
Jackey
Goodbye
(AFTER ENSEMBLE)
Come on, George.
Jackey
Yes, I am. If Tootles is Judge Carter, he can square me with the
police.
(STARTS FOR L.2.)
Geo.
But in those clothes?
Jackey
You'll have to dodge into my hotel and get me a dress.
Geo.
But where will you put it on?
Jackey
Aren't there any woods between here and the courthouse?
Geo.
Yes, then you won't need me.
Jackey
Oh, yes, I do. I need you to hook me up.
Geo.
(JAMS HAT ON HEAD)
Then come on.
(TAKES HER ARM AND EXITS AS CURTAIN
FALLS.)
ACT TWO
(OPENING) "LAND WHERE THE GOOD SONGS GO."
Briggs
(AFTER OPENING ENTER R.U. CROSSES L.C.)
Simms
(ENTER AFTER BRIGGS)
Hey, one minute. Can't come in here without a
ticket I tell you.
Simms
Say, if you're trying to invite trouble, just say R.S.V.P.
(RAISES
VEST FLAPS AND SHOWS BADGE.)
Briggs
No thanks, I've had enough fightin for one day.
Simms
Been fightin, have you?
Briggs
A woman hit me in the eye. Now I must tell Mr. Budd she escaped.
Simms
Escaped? You talk like she was a tiger.
Briggs
That's wot she was. Any time the dentist wants a plan of her teeth,
he'll find it on my arm.
Simms
Maybe it's the same woman I'm looking for. Give me her description.
(TAKES OUT BOOK AND PENCIL.)
Briggs
Rather pretty eyes.
Simms
(BUS)
Eyes...A watery blue. Ears?
Simms
Aeroplane ears. Color of hair?
Simms
Hair a beautiful brown.
Briggs
My eye! I'll talk to you afterwards.
(STARTS UP L.)
Simms
You won't find Mr. Budd in there.
Simms
No. That's the ladies' swimming pool.
Briggs
The ladies' swimming pool? Don't you think I'd better take a peek
to make sure?
Briggs
(COMES L. OF HIM)
Something tells me it's my duty to look.
Simms
Tain't no use. The swimming pool ain't in use today. I just looked.
(X.R.)
Geo.
(ENTER WITH JACKEY R.U. TALKING)
Simms
Here you...tickets....where are your tickets?
Geo.
(STARTS LOOKING IN POCKETS.)
Simms
Oh, it's Mr. & Mrs. budd.
Simms
How are you, Mrs. Budd?
Jackey
Splendid, thank you. What are you doing here?
Simms
I'm here to keep an eye on those silver cups and prizes.
Jackey
(X.L. OF SIMMS)
Oh, of course.
Simms
(DROPPING DOWN TO HER)
Mrs. Budd...I've been thinking a lot about them
pyjamas of yours.
Geo.
(X. GOES TO SIMMS)
Constable...please!
Simms
That's all right...we're all married folks, ain't we? Took my eye .....
them pyjamas did...told Mrs. Simms about 'em....She says she'd like to
have the pattern.
Jackey
All right, you shall have it.
(TO GEO.)
Can't you find those tickets,
Duskie?
Geo.
I can't remember where I put them, Love.
(PULLS OUT BUNCH OF TICKETS)
Ah, here they are.
(HANDS THEM TO SIMMS.)
Jackey
How many are there?
Simms
I don't know...Let's see.
(TOPPLES TICKETS BESIDE EAR)
Thirty four.
Geo.
(LAUGHING)
Have you caught the woman who assaulted you yet, Constable?
Simms
No, but I will.
(X. to R.U.)
Don't forget that pyjama pattern, Mrs.
Budd.
(EXIT)
Geo.
Great Scott! If anyone hears him calling you Mrs. Budd, we're sunk.
Jackey
You did the silliest thing when you introduced me as your aunt. You
should have stuck to Jim's story.
Jim
Good heavens what are you two turtle doves doing here?
Jackey
I've found Tootles.
Jackey
He's somewhere in the clubhouse. He's here with his wife and daughter.
Jim
Isn't that great?
(SLAPS GEO. ON SHOULDER)
Now we can clear Jackey
and she will be all right.
Geo.
Yes she'll be all right..I was thinking of myself.
(X.R.)
Jim
Don't worry if your luck is bad it's bound to turn.
Geo.
Oh yes my luck turns and bites me.
(X R.C.)
Jackey
And you're sunny Jim I suppose?
Jim
That's it Jackey and we'll go through life on the joy wagon. If you'll
marry me.
Jackey
I'll think about it.
Jim
Oh say..Why think..You've been slinging me all kinds of encouragement.
Jackey
Isn't it funny? Give a man a smile and he thinks it gives him a right
to murder every other male creature on your visiting list.
SPECIALTY
Carter
(AFTER SPECIALTY ENTER WITH MANUSCRIPT OF SPEECH R.2. SIT R. OF TABLE..
RINGS TAP BELL WITHOUT LOOKING AROUND.)
Mrs. Carter
(ENTER L.U.)
Oh here you are James I've been looking everywhere for you.
Carter
Well I've been in there.
Mrs. Carter
What's that?
(WAITER ENTER L.2. WITH TRAY COMES R. OF C.)
Carter
(ANSWERING MRS)
Oh nothing.
Mrs. Carter
Now see here, James.
(X. AND SITS L. OF TABLE.)
This man Budd is
engaged to our daughter is nothing but a libertine.
Carter
(BUSY WITH MANUSCRIPT)
Oh, nonsense.
Mrs. Carter
I tell you he is. Why he seizes upon this golfing vistory as an
excuse for a rowdy party.
Carter
I haven't time to discuss now. I must finish this speech.
Mrs. Carter
I tell you, James Carter.
(BANGS TABLE ...RINGS BELL....PUSHES
IT AWAY FROM HER.)
That speech means nothing compared to your
daughter's future.
Carter
I wish you were going to make it. You have an endless flow of
chatter.
Mrs. Carter
What do you mean?
Geo.
(ENTER R.)
Oh, hello Judge, there is a young lady in the next
room who wishes to see you again.
Carter
Cut the young lady stuff.
(UP TO HIM.)
Mrs. Carter
And who is this young lady who is anxious to see my husband
again?
Geo.
Just an admiree of his speeches.
(TO CAR.)
By the way, she has
one of your speeches now.
Mrs. Carter
(X.C.)
I trust she will be able to enjoy the one he is to
make this afternoon.
Carter
(RISE AND MOVE L.)
I doubt if I shall speak today. My headache
is getting steadily worse.
Lou
(EN. C.)
Hello, Georgie.....where is that cute aunt of yours?
Geo.
At home she is very modest and retiring.
Mrs. Carter
She hasn't evidently spent much time in your society.
Geo.
Oh, but she has...I used to say my prayers on her knee.
Mrs. Carter
I understood you to say she was younger than yourself.
Geo.
Oh...ah...well, a woman seems so much older than a man.
Carter
(DROPPING ON SETTEE)
Save the women first.
Mrs. Carter
(ANGRY AD LIB.)
Is that so? I hadn't noticed it.
Lou
(TO GEO.)
Let's go out and watch Miss Wills at tennis, dear, come.
Mrs. Carter
(X.C.)
Mr. Budd, we have decided that you are not a fit companion
for Lou Ellen. In the future you will refrain from addressing her.
Should she be so unfortunate as to meet you. Any other communication
you wish to have with her shall be through her father or myself.
I am now going to retire to the tea room; I feel the need of
a little refreshment.
Carter
(RINGS BELL)
Me, too.
Waiter
(ENTERS L....STANDS AND LOOKS AT CAR. WHO DOES NOT SEE HIM.)
Mrs. Carter
You understand, Mr. Budd?
Carter
Go to your mother.
Lou
(X. R.....TURNS...LOOKS AT GEO.....THROWS KISS...EXIT R.)
Geo.
Judge Carter, I wish that you'd tell Lou Ellen that I shall wait
'till the final blast of Gabriel's trumpet for her. My love
shall never die.
(EXIT C.)
Carter
Oh damn!
(RINGS BELL...PICKS UP SPEECH.)
Carter
(LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE HIM EXIT)
Hey come back here.....confound
that boy.
(X.L.)
Waiter...Oh what's the use?
Jackey
(ENTER R.)
(SEES CARTER)
Tootles, dear.
Jackey
How's the old bean?
Jackey
What with two quarts of wine and the bang it got in the scrimmage I
sadly fear
(X. TO HIM)
today's speech will not be up to standards.
(PACE)
And what, my friends, does the stars and stripes stand for?
Carter
You have my speech. Give it to me.
Jackey
What? Give up my wonderful souvenier of that wonderful evening.
Oh, no.
Carter
(HAND IN POCKET)
How much?
Jackey
(C.)
$500.00....two diamond studded garters...a vanity case...200
cigar coupons.
Carter
Say when...say when.
Jackey
A rabbit's foot and a copy of "WHAT A YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO KNOW."
Carter
Where shall I get those things?
Jackey
The policeman I helped you tackle grabbed my bag. In it are the
articles mentioned.
Carter
You mean you will exchange my speech for your bag?
(RISING.)
Jackey
(MOCKINGLY)
You have grasped the scenario of the drummer.
Carter
(OVER TO HER.)
But, my dear...it would be better if you should return
the speech first thereby relieving my mind from anxiety, and
I would be better able to wrestle with the problem of recovering
your lost bag and its contents.
Jackey
Of course, I could trust you?
Carter
I have but one fault.
Jackey
Yes. So has a dime with a hole in it.
Carter
(TAKES HER HAND.)
I am honest in this, my dear.
Jackey
Good. If you're trying to find out what size gloves I wear, they're
sixes.
Carter
May I have it now, little girl?
Jim
(COMING DOWN)
Ah...ha...
(BUS.)
I seem to be intruding, so you love
this old man?
Jackey
Jim...this is Tootles.
Carter
Since you insist, I shall find the Constable and see if I can get
around him. I shall ply him with refreshments....liquid refreshments.
I have little hope...still a drowning man will clutch at
a straw.
Jim
Especially when he's drowning his troubles.
Carter
No use...troubles like my own can swim.
(EXIT L.2.)
Jim
(GOING TO HER)
Why did you let that old mugwump hold your paw?
Jackey
Repugnant as it was to my modest girlish nature, I endured his
caresses that I might win his help in my dire predicament.
(WITH
MOCK SENTIMENT)
Oh what we girls suffer!
Jim
Then let us flee from this scene of degradation to some happier,
sunnier clime.
Jackie
Stop, Jim, stop. Remember I have a romantic, trusting nature,
and you are carrying me away.
Jim
To Florida...where the orange trees are in bloom...where upon a
grassy knoll we can lie and watch the evening star rising above...
It's celestial.
Jackey
And...the orange petals...tell me of the orange petals...and.
Jackey
(PUSHES JIM OVER)
Tell me about the orange blossoms.
Jim
We're not married yet.
Jim
Whadda ya mean "Yah...us...ah"? Between us would lie the green
and......
Jackey
Oh, Jim why do you want a sword between us?
Jackey
The young bride dreamed of resting on the orange scented slopes
of Florida, but alas, wakes up to find herself hitting the hay
in Boulder.
DOUBLE "NESTING TIME IN FLATBUSH"
Geo.
(ENTER C. AFTER DOUBLE FOLLOWED BY BRIGGS...GEO..L.C.....BRIGGS
R.C.)
Didn't you understand what I told you about? I said
"Keep my aunt there at any cost."
Briggs
My eye! I did, sir, at an awful cost.
Geo.
I told you to act crazy if necessary.
Briggs
Well, sir, I called her names...made faces...did monkey tricks..
but she kept calling out.."He's a maniac....he's a maniac."
Geo.
Why didn't you lock her in the kitchen?
Briggs
That's just where I left her, sir. Just as she picked up the flat
iron.
Geo.
Now, don't tell me she tried to hit you with it.
Briggs
Oh, no, sir, I fancy she only wanted to smooth things over.
Lou
(ENTER C. STARTS L.2.)
Geo.
If she comes here, I'm lost.
(SEES LOU...START)
Lou Ellen.
Lou
So, George, you mustn't speak to me. You promised Mother you
know...And you always said your promise was sacred.
Geo.
Will you ask Miss Carter is she is aware there is a new moon this
evening?
Lou
Please tell Mr. Budd I am.
Geo.
Will you suggest to Miss Budd that she make a wish on the new
moon.
Briggs
Wish for wot, sir?
Geo.
She knows what to wish for.
Briggs
Mr. Budd suggests that you make a wish on the new moon, Miss.
Lou
(WITH LOUD SIGH)
Tell Mr. Budd I will.
(WITH A LITTLE SQUEAK,)
Briggs
(MIMICKING HER)
The lady says "I will."
Geo.
(ASIDE DREAMILY)
"I will" how sweet those words from those dear
lips.
Briggs
Oh, thank you, sir.
Lou & Geo.
(BOTH TURN TO BRIGGS ANGRILY.)
Briggs
(REALIZES MISTAKE AND EXITS HURRIEDLY R.2.)
Jackey
(ENTER C.)
Oh, George.
Lou
Oh Miss Budd
(GUSHINGLY)
I am so glad to see you.
Jackey
How are you, Miss Carter?
Geo.
(OVER TO R. OF JACKEY)
Quaker! Quaker!
Jackey
Hast thou been enjoying thyself?
Lou
Not a bit. Mother won't let me speak to George.
Jackey
What have they got against the poor gink?
Jackey
(GEO. POKES JACKEY)
A Quaker word........poor lad I should say.
Simms
(ENTER L.2.)
How about the pajama pattern?
Geo.
(DISMAYED)
It's coming....it's coming.
Lou
(IN WONDER)
Pajama pattern?
Jackey
Thou shall have it, good man, I promise thee.
Jackey
(CROSSING TO SIMMS)
I will even give thy good wife mine if thee
will only beat it.
Simms
Thee. Why do you call me thee?
Jackey
Yes, friend, of course. I called thee...thee. What should thee
expect me to call thee but thee.
Simms
Wonder what Judge Carter put in them drinks he gave me? Oh, Mr.
Budd, you remember that mole I was asking you about?
Geo.
Yes. A little animal that burrows under lawns. Have you caught
it yet, Simms?
Simms
No....no...I asked you if she had a mole on her back.
(POINTS
TO JACKEY)
Geo.
I never heard of any.
(LOU SHOWS ANGER.)
Simms
Never heard? You don't find mole by listening for 'em...I mean
a dark pimple.
Jackey
(X. QUICKLY TO LOU)
Geo.
(OVER TO SIMMS)
Come with me, Simms. you need something to pull
you together.
(TAKES SIMMS ARM..LEADS HIM OFF L. AD LIBBING.)
Lou
What's the matter with him?
Jackey
Gone lame above the neck.
(X. TO L. CALLS)
Nephew...oh Nephew...
send in two Bronx cocktails for me, please.
Jackey
It is permitted in case of illness. I suffer terribly with a
REFLEX SURGASTRINORIUM.
(ASIDE)
I'm going to leave this.
(TO LOU)
When the drinks come, send them out on the porch.
Lou
Since you are feeling badly, I will see that you get a comfortable
chair.
Jackey
I thank thee, my child. Thee shall get a star in thy crown for this.
(BOTH EXIT C.)
NUMBER
PEN
(ENTER C. AFTER NUMBER....LOOKS AROUND MEEKLY...SITS L.)
Simms
(OFF L.)
I don't want it I tell you. I've had enough.
(ENTER
SEES PEN...STOPS AND STARES.)
PEN
What ails thee, friend? Why are thou staring at me?
Simms
Gosh, I've got 'em.
Pen
Thou acts very strangely.
Simms
Don't act that way...can't stand it.
Pen
Hast thou a list of people at this gathering?
Simms
Why dost thou ask..Damn it, you've got me talking that way now.
Pen
Hush, thou must not swear. That is the same wicked word that poor
creature used when I struck him.
Simms
(STRAIGHTENING UP)
Struck him? Tell me..have you got a mole on
your back?
Simms
(SHOWS BADGE)
You better answer...or painful as the duty will be.
Pen
If thou dares to try it.
(STARTS AT HIM.)
Simms
(BRACING UP)
No..no it couldn't have been you. It was a young
one.
Pen
And to think how close I came to striking thee. It shows that
there is still a lot of the old spirit in me.
(X.C.)
Simms
(COMING FORWARD)
Spirits? Lots of spirits in you?
Pen
Sir, I am a total abstainer. I cam hither to find my nephew.
Simms
What is your nephew's name?
Simms
Yes, he's in there with his wife.
Pen
Thee can't mean he's married?
Simms
I was introduced to his wife last night.
Pen
Surely thee must be mistaken.
Simms
Well, if I am, it's a pretty bad mistake. She was a sittin in
his room in a pair of blue pyjamas.
Pen
(TURNS BACK)
Pajamas? Oh, this is terrible...my little Geo.....
go send him quickly.
Pen
And if thee will bring in a glass of water. I am quite overcome.
Simms
I'll send you out some lemonade.
Pen
I thank thee. Tell Mr. Budd his aunt....Penelope Budd.
Simms
Miss Envelopy Budd
(STARTS TO EXIT L. STEPS ASIDE FOR POLLY)
Gee, that's something nice in spring clothes.
(EXIT.)
Polly
(LOOKING AFTER HIM.)
I never could understand what cooks seen
in policemen.
(SIT R. OF TABLE.)
Pen
My child, what has he done to thee?
Polly
Oh, the clumsy thing let my dog bite him once.
Polly
Wasn't it? He's been follish every since.
Polly
Not the policeman; my dog.
Waiter
(ENTER L. WITH 3 COCKTAILS ON TRAY...TO POLLY)
Miss Penelope Budd?
Waiter
(X.L. OF HER.)
Mr. Budd ordered these for you.
Pen
Oh, how quick thou hast been.
(TAKES ONE GLASS)
What small glasses
of lemonade.
(DRINKS RAPIDLY.)
Polly
(BUS WITH LIPSTICK, POWDER PUFF ETC.)
Pen
(PUTS FIRST GLASS ON TRAY..WIPES MOUTH.)
Polly
(LOOKS UP IN TIME TO SEE BUS.)
Lemonade..that's good!
Pen
Yes, very. Will thee have more?
(DRINKS SECOND.)
Polly
No, thanks, I prefer a Willie's dream.
Polly
And not too much gin it it, little sun burst.
Pen
Gin?
(TRIES TO RISE...BUS WITH KNEES...FINALLY WALKS R.)
If thee
would drink a harmless beverage like this.
(GOES L. JUST REACHES
TRAY...TAKES THIRD GLASS.)
It would be quite sufficient. Can thee
bring me a pitcher of this, waiter?
Waiter
(AMAZED)
A pitcher? Sure.
(X. IN FRONT OF POLLY SINGING "OH MAN
SHE COULD WACKY WOO" EXIT L.)
Pen
What are thee doing, my dear?
Polly
There. Are my lips on straight?
Pen
Thou art very comely. What a beautiful dress thou hast on. Dost
thou always wear pretty dresses?
Polly
Not after three in the morning. They tell me that I am all to the
mustard in my pajamas.
Pen
Do thee wear blue pajamas?
Polly
I wear blue on Thursdays.
Pen
(THICKLY)
Yesterday was Thursday.
Polly
And they are embroidered with Forget Me Nots.
Pen
George's favorite color.
(ABOUT TO CRY.)
Waiter
(ENTER L. WITH PITCHER)
Here's the handsome waiter, lady.
(X TO
PEN...SHE TAKES PITCHER...WAITER X.L. TO POLLY.)
Polly
Waiter take that away from her. She's half boiled now.
Waiter
Mr. Budd said, "Give her anything she wanted, Miss."
Polly
Oh, well girls will be girls.
(EX. L.)
Waiter
Yep...just as long as boys are boys.
(EX. AFTER POLLY.)
Pen
(WITH PITCHER.)
My poor misguided George.
(STARTS R. AND TRIPS
LIGHT.)
I can't believe it. It makes my head swim.
(DRINKS
AND ENTER TO TABLE HAS TROUBLE SETTING PITCHER DOWN. LOOKS AROUND.)
I thought this was a room, but it's a merry go round. I haven't
been on one since I was a child.
(SERIOUSLY LIFTS FRONT OF [ILLEGIBLE]
AND PULLS IT DOWN AGAIN.)
I think I'll sit on this horse.
(GOES
TO [LLEGIBLE] AND STRADDLES IT.. BUS WITH [ILLEGIBLE] AGAIN.)
A little
undignified I suppose. Still you are only young once.
Geo.
(ENTERS SEES AUNT AND STANDS AGHAST.)
Pen
(SEES GEO. WAVES HANDKERCHIEF)
Hello, Georgie, say I'm going to get
the brass ring. Why don't you sit on the horse behind me when it
comes round?
Geo.
(HELPING HER)
That's all right, now you go to the ladies' room and
lie down.
Pen
Now... I want to lay down right here.
Geo.
But in there you can pull the shades and make it dark.
Pen
All ri...shay, George...you haven't got a pair of blue pajamas I
could borrow? Whoopee! Oh Boy!
(EXIT L.)
Simms
(ENTER L.)
Oh, Mr. Budd, about them blue pyjamas....Mrs. Budd
said she'd give my old Lady a pair. But here's the question...will
they fit?
Geo.
How on earth should I know?
Simms
I would say they weight about the same, but its distributed different.
The old woman is built on the lines of a tadpole. Very much
wasted. I guess I better call her and get her measurements.
(SEES HANDBAG SITS DOWN...STARTS LOOKING THROUGH HANDBAG.)
Jackey
(ENTER L.)
Georgie, they've.
Geo.
Sh...
(POINTS TO CONSTABLE, EX. R.)
Jackey
(X.)
What have you there, Constable?
Simms
Bag. Belongs to that female as assaulted me. If I can't trace
her from this, my name ain't Ira Simms.
Jackey
I wonder if you can?
(PICKS UP PIN.)
Simms
That's funny. Here's a rabbit foot... The woman that owns this
bag is superstitious, too.
Simms
Why did you pick up that pin?
Jackey
Pins are worth money. I know a man who makes six dollars a week
picking up pins.
Simms
Gosh, how can he gather that many?
Jackey
He works at a bowling alley.
Simms
Aw, shucks.
(U. TO L.)
Right persnickity ain't you?
(EX.)
(GEO. ENTER R. U........JIM ENTERS C.)
Geo.
Jim, the most terrible thing has happened.
Jim
You are the original Campbell's soup kid...always getting in hot
water. Now what is it?
Jim
Here in the clubhouse?
Jackey
Mother, come get your angel child.
(X.U.L.C.)
Jim
(DOWN R.)
They are coming over the plate a bit fast, aren't
they?
Geo.
Life is too complicated for me. I wish we were back in the Gold
age.
Jackey
The stone age. I'd be running from you two cavemen now.
Geo.
(TO JACKEY)
Outside quick.
Jackey
It's getting thicker.
(EX. R.)
Geo.
Yes, darling.
(GOES TO HER AS SHE ENTERS ...TRIES TO PLACE ARM
AROUND HER.)
Lou
(REPULSES ARM)
I have some questions to ask you.
Geo.
(NERVOUSLY)
Questions?
Lou
I went to the Ladies' room just now and sat on the sofa... or
rather I should have sat upon the sofa... instead I sat on a solid
subtance which proved to be a woman's head.
Geo.
Terrible! We must notify the police at once.
Lou
Raising the curtain I found it to be the head of your aunt, Miss
Penelope Budd.
Geo.
Ha...ha...I understand now. When you say my aunt Penelope...you
mean my other aunt Penelope.
Geo.
Yes. You got them mixed. Named after each other. The one you
sat on is my great aunt. Good creature, but a little touched up
here.
(HEAD RUB BUS.)
Lou
She seemed very level headed to me.
Geo.
Yes? Well I never sat on her head myself.
Lou
Answer me. Who was this woman in the blue pajamas?
Lou
(STERNLY)
You heard what I said. My pajamas!
Geo.
(HE'S TRYING TO TALK..CAN'T.)
Carter
(ENTER C. [ILLEGIBLE]
Stop, Mr. Budd, not a word.
Remember you were forbidden to speak to Lou Ellen.
Geo.
Please tell her all will be explained.
Lou
I'll go see Mother. My future happiness depends on her.
(EX. L.)
Geo.
Where's that speech you were writing?
Carter
I've got ten words written and my brain feels like an over boiled
cauliflower.
Mrs. Carter
(ENTER L. WITH LOU)
Now young man, I'm going to ask you few
questions and I want no falsehoods, do you understand?
Geo.
Falsehood? Why I don't even know what the word means.
Mrs. Carter
You don't? Tell him, James...you know.
Simms
(ENTER C. AND COMES D.C.)
I got the old woman's dimensions right
here. Over all 68 inches... hips 44. bust 32. Now tell
me your ladies' bust measure.
Mrs. Carter
Your ladies' bust measure?
(TO GEO.)
Geo.
(SICK)
This is a game you've seen those ads covering Annette
Kallerman with Venus De Milo inch by inch.
Mrs. Carter
(WHIRLING)
What!
Geo.
(TRYING AGAIN)
Simms and I had an argument, and we're taking the
measurements of our ideal woman.
Simms
These ain't the measurements of my ideal woman...not by a damn sight.
Lou
Mother, ask him who that woman is he calls his aunt.
Jackey
(TAKING IT ALL IN IN A GLANCE. TURNS AND STARTS TO HURRY BACK OUT)
Simms
(STARING AFTER JACKEY)
Mrs. Budd...one minute please.
Jackey
Simms I fear thee has been looking in the amber cup again.
Briggs
(ENTER R. WITH SPEECH USED IN ACT ONE)
Is this what you wrote,
Miss?
Jackey
(TAKES AND READS)
What does the stars and stripes stand for?
This is it.
Car.
Ye, gods! My speech.
(HOLDS OUT HAND.)
Simms
Something wrong about all this.
Pen
(STANDING BY BRIGGS.)
The maniac. There he is.
Briggs
(RUNS AROUND TABLE FOLLOWED BY PEN. HE X. R.U.)
MY EYE.
Simms
So that's the maniac. Here Judge, hold this.
(HANDS CARTER BAG
BELONGING TO JACKEY.)
I'll catch him.
(EX. RUNNING AFTER BRIGGS.)
Pen
Oh, Georgie, has that man frightened me.
(OVER TO GEO.)
Geo.
(SOOTHING HER)
There. There, Auntie, you've had a bad dream.
Pen
George, thee says I dreamed I was attacked by a maniac. Did I also dream that you are married?
Geo.
Yes, Auntie...I am married...here's my wife!
(INDICATING LOU)
All
Lou Ellen? You and Lou Ellen married?
(AD LIB.)
Mrs. Carter
(FALLS IN CARTER'S ARMS)
Simms
You told me this one was your wife.
(INDICATING JACKIE.)
Jim
(ENTER R. COMING TO JACKIE.)
Geo.
NONSENSE. That's the wife of Jim Marvin...at least she's going
to be.
Jim
That's the first time Geo. has told the truth today.
Jackey
Do you know, Jim I'll bet that boy could eat garlic...then lie
out of it.
Lou
I see, George, I'll have to be a little firm with you.
Geo.
A little firm? Good.....let's incorporate right now.
(KISSES
HER.)
Waiter
(ENTER SEES LONG KISS BUS)
OH BOY!
FINALE.."TILL THE CLOUDS ROLL BY."