SCENE: A small Island of the Phillippine group. Down stage R. are the offices and warehouses of Cyrus Gilfain, manufacturer of Florodora, a famous perfume. His private laboratory is down stage L. Rear drop shows a flower farm with hydrangea blossoms palms, etc.
There is also the open sea and a small creek or a landing stake from which a boat can get away.
DISCOVERED: Farm Attendants, engaged in packing blossoms into big baskets. They are packing cases at the side with the name of "Florodora, Cyrus Gilfain, Proprietor" printed on. Gilfain's name is also on the door of his laboratory
You're very troublesome, you girls. Just the very day that Mr. Gilfain's arriving from his trip to England you're all late. What's the excuse for this?
We take longer when we expect such a distinguished visitor.
I had a couple inches off my skirt. Late time Mr. Gilfain was here he told me he liked to see my pretty ankles.
I guess you like to please him that way, in any extent. But he's not coming to an anatomical museum. The world, is waiting for this season's supply of Florodora, our great perfume. We must see that they get it. Don't chatter to the clerks - but get to business.
Well, Leandro, is everything in order for Mr. Gilfain?
Everything in my department. I can't answer for the office work.
Who asked you to? We attend to that.
You? You mean Mr. Abercoed attends to it.
Well he represents Mr. Gilfain, so we do our duty to our employer when we obey Abercoed.
Well, boys, is everything all right in the office?
Yes sir. There's a splendid crop of blossoms and a capital crop of orders too.
And Mr. Gilfain will find everything ready for him. He can prepare the essence of Florodora the minute he arrives.
Can we go now --
You may go now...
I wish I could find out how he makes Florodora.
None of that. The secret of preparing Florodora is Mr. Gilfain's own. To try to find out is to try to rob him. Have you anything to say to me --
Yes I have. One of the farm girls neglects her work.
Which one?
The one all of you spoil of course.
Dolores.
First of all Mr. Gilfain says she is not to do more work than she likes. Then she does none at all and he doubles her wages. There's some mystery about that girl.
Mystery, nonsense. Mr. Gilfain likes her as we all do, and wants to be kind to her, besides what is it you anyway?
Everything. She is idle and careless, she sets a bad example. I can't maintain discipline.
Send the girl to me, I'll talk to her.
I can't allow Leandro to lord it over her.
Ah Dolores come here.
Of course I don't - I hate work. But don't you be angry with me. Mr. Gilfain never is.
And he's the master. So we must all spoil you like he does, I suppose, and follow his lead.
Is it difficult to follow that lead?
It is difficult not to follow it.
A man can always get over a little difficulty like that, if he wants to.
No, not always -- there may be reasons why he must not - why he dare not.
And have you any such reasons.
Yes -- one.
I guess it. You've married already.
Most foreigners have wives in their own country. That's why they come abroad.
No, you are wrong, Dolores. I left my country, quarreled with my own people, because I wouldn't marry.
Yes, you.
Because I wouldn't marry a woman I didn't love.
I like you for that. And you will only marry a woman you really love?
Marry? I mustn't marry - at least, not yet.
Well, if you mustn't marry, that needn't prevent you being in love.
No, and Dolores, perhaps I'm in love.
Well I mustn't say with whom, but I am in love with somebody. Some day I may be free, and I promise to tell you all about it then.
I shall remember that promise.
And I will seal it.
Ah! -- with somebody
Ah Caramba.
Is there anything about my appearance that suggests that I
am a damned fool?
What are you doing on this island?
Trying to avoid being punctured.
I will. I'll fix it!
Serves you right - that's my head you're kicking.
Your head?
Yes - I lost it in the excitement when you were giving me such a warm - welcome to your dinky old island.
Ah. I'll give you a warmer one.
Look out, look out.
I have a revolver.
No.
In my satchel.
Who are you and what are you doing here?
I am Anthony Tweedlepunch, phrenologist, palmist, and wholesale
Scientist from the Royal Aquarium, London. My photograph-
No strangers are allowed on the Island of Florodora.
I was not aware of that. If you will kindly send some gentlemanly person to talk to me, I will be charmed to dispense with your society.
Isn't he abrupt.
I hope Abercoed isn't another ruffian with a carver.
Ah ladies ---
Perhaps he's a burgelaar.
Let us go and call Leandro.
If Leandro is the gentleman with the knife, I have met him and he endeavored to cut me.
Who might you be.
I am Anthony Tweedlepunch, phrenologist, etcetra, etcetra.
My photograph.
You are a palmist also, the card says -
Yes, - I can read your palm, and tell you anything you
wish to know for a shilling - for two shillings I tell you
a great deal that never happened. Let me see your palm.
Transfer my affections - how do you know?
By the number of cross lines running off your main line. You are rather careless of your clothes - your clothes line is full of knots.
I think you are a fraud.
If I am - it is my business.
Here just one moment, please. Do you know I have taken quite a fancy to you?
Have you?
Yes. I should like to cement our friendship with some little
token. If you will permit me. Let me see --
Oh thank you very much.
You are not superstitious if you are we won't make it a present just give me some little thing in exchange. Anything will do, it does not matter the amount.
Yes but I haven't anything less than a dollar.
Here comes Mr. Abercoed and Leandro.
Where is this stranger.
Quite so, but my mission here is private. Can you tell me if there is upon this island a lady named Quisara?
No such person known here. We are expecting the owner of the island, Mr. Gilfain, whose yacht has been sighted. Perhaps he can inform you. Are you acquainted with Mr. Gilfain?
Yes, that is - I have never met him.
Mr. Gilfain is the Supreme authority here. I must detain you until he arrives and leave the disposition of your fate to him.
Fate? My word... There'll be something doing here.
Hadn't I better stab him and throw him into the sea at once. What's the use of bothering Mr. Gilfain.
That young man is too nervous to be trusted with a knife.
No - take him away and confine him in the flower shed until
Mr. Gilfain has landed.
Not with you --
Amigos.
No, Hennessy three star but Amigos, if you like that better.
Bah, Adolante - caramba.
Quite so. I'll bet this fellow will stick me for the drinks.
Here he comes. Here's Mr. Gilfain.
Thanks, friends thanks. Wonderful what a hearty welcome they give you, when you're sole proprietor of them all
We're glad to see you back again, sir.
You're glad to see the prodigal returned, eh? I see you have brought out the fatted calves - I'm very glad to be back.
I hope you liked England.
Liked England. Why I'm going to become a denaturalized Englishman. I think that's what they call it -- I know it means an unnatural American. I've bought a castle in Wales, a beautiful romantic spot about four miles from Gylnnyddle. Waddlefad on the banks, of the Jimmyerickingnyflynn river.
How poetical
Isn't it? But Wales is no place for poetry. England's the
place for poetry. Why, there's a feller over there named
Austin - I think he comes from Texas, they call him the
Are they prettier than we are.
A traveller? Who is he - what's his name.
No strangers allowed here. Leandro, where is this interloper, Prof. Tweedlepunch.
Asleep on my premises - how dare he? I'll wake him up - the
idea here boys - Pym, Sir, show our friends around the island.
Come Leandro.
Good gracious Frank Abercoed. You here.
Yes -- where I hoped that none of my acquaintances in England should ever find me.
Oh you are very polite -- of course, we know that you had disappeared. We read it in the Daily Telegraph -- but no one know why you went or where you'd gone. Some said you had run away, with a French Ballet girl - others, that you were in a lunatic asylum.
How noble. Who was the promise to -- a woman, or a money lender?
Didn't you know I was engaged to marry?
Yes, I remember. Well, why didn't you marry her?
Well I didn't love her and like a coward I ran away.
A coward -- to run away from a woman with $10,000 a year! I call it pluck or folly, the same thing. But she consoled herself.
How?
Married soon afterward.
Oh I daresay, they're separated now. They've been married more than a year.
Then I'm free -
Quite right to be grateful -- so few unmarried men are free.
They all have ties they can't shake off. Married women are
the only people that seem to be really free.
I went to America to earn my living. I called at Mr. Gilfain's office and told him I wanted a position - he asked me what I could do.
I suppose you told him you could play bridge.
No I told him I could read, write, and add up figures.
Unusual accomplishment for an English gentleman. Wasn't he surprised.
Now he told me to sit on a high stool - I sat there a year
and then he sent me here as his representative, and here I am.
Yes here you are right enough, but you can't stop here forever now that you're Lord Abercoed.
Lord Abercoed.
Don't you know? Your uncle's been dead ever so long.
Dead? My uncle dead -- are you certain?
Then I am Lord Abercoed.
Yes, and you're wanted in England at once.
I shan't go. I can be happy enough here.
What stay here?
Well, I'm free now - and there is -
In love, eh?
Yes --
But what brought you here.
Oh, I came with Mr. Gilfain on business.
Business.
Yes, you see, in the first place, I am looking for a suitable match for my brother Arthur - now - Angela Gilfain will do splendidly, and then as Mr. Gilfain is so very rich, - why I might be persuaded to - to - to --
Oh I see.
I am so glad you see.
You want to be the second Mrs. Gilfain?
Hush, hush. Nothing is arranged. Up to now I am faithful
to the memory of my first husband.
Well, I know you must have had some strong motive for leaving
town. Why London must be like a deserted village without
Lady Holyrood.
Oh I suppose they're perfectly wretched without me. They
always are when I leave town.
Who was that woman?
A lady from England.
No, no, Dolores, she's a friend of Mr. Gilfain's.
And a friend of yours too.
Yes and a good friend since she has brought me good news.
She was a long time telling you. I don't like her at all.
Why, don't be unreasonable, Dolores, she was only looking for Mr. Gilfain.
Yes, but she found you. After what you told me this morning,
I can't bear to see you speak to another woman.
Jealous! Well, that shows she's in earnest.
Oh, Lord Abercoed, I forgot to tell you I've lost Angela Gilfain.
Oh, we'll soon find her. It's a very little island.
Yes, but she's a very little girl.
Yes -- that's what we make this perfume of. Take it into
the warehouse boys.
Please don't have me put in the warehouse, Mr. Abercoed.
Why, Miss Gilfain, come out of that.
What are you doing there?
It was to surprise you and Arthur and because I was so afraid of papa. He's changed his mind again.
Changed his mind -- about what?
Well, he promised I should marry Arthur and then on our trip across, he said I mustn't. He's found someone else more suitable and -- oh, I can't tell you -- you tell him, Lady Holyrood.
Certainly.
Impossible.
Why, of course it is --
My dear.
I mean I am so very fond of Arthur.
You see, I told the story of the lost Lord Abercoed on the
yacht. Mr. Gilfain guessed it was you and he wants to make
his daughter an English Peeress like all other American
millionaires.
Lord Abercoed?
Yes, he's a lord now with a seat in the House of Peers and
with all the privileges of a true born British brewer.
Lord Abercoed, you of Abercoed Castle?
Yes, that's the family place.
Why, that's the place papa has bought and he's going to turn it into a warehouse.
My old home, a warehouse?
Oh bother your heiress. I hate money.
Hate money? What blasphemy.
Well, that is. I hate anything I know so little about! Ah!
And we're not going to give each other up, are we?
I should say not.
You may depend upon it.
Wait for me, Lord Abercoed.
Keep horse races -- I can't afford to keep chickens.
I say, Arthur, why not try white mice -- they are very inexpensive.
Well, you see you needn't be afraid. The rival says he would not have me for a gift.
Aren't all lords poor?
Well, most of them are -- until they are married.
I only care for money as a means to an end.
Yes, but the man I love doesn't seem to love me.
What is it?
Why, your father.
But you're not going to marry my father?
No, but I fear it would be a very unhappy marriage for both of us.
What would you say if I told you I couldn't live without you?
I'd say you are the dearest, the sweetest little woman in the world and as soon as we get back to England, we get the whole thing over with in a hurry.
So we shall, in spite of papa.
That's the way to talk.
I shan't wish to have you take pity on an old maid. Youth is the time for love.
Well, the earliest time is the time for me -- and I'm in a deuce of a hurry, I must confess.
It is a fortunate thing for you sir, that your knowledge of phrenology can be of use to me or you would have been thrown off the island, sir - Mr. Tweedle.
Punch - Tweedlepunch - my photograph.
That's the fourth photograph you've given me. Do you
take me for an album.
Oh I say - don't throw them about like that.
Do you mean to tell me that by the bumps on the head you can tell which person should marry.
I know a lot of women who are looking for that man.
My science saves them the trouble. Now, for instance, if the count Dr. Castellane has consulted me, I would have married him to Betty Green.
What a combination! If you can do all you say, you are quite a remarkable man.
Now I have a daughter - and I want her to marry if you
could find her affinity.
Give me
If this scheme of yours is any good I can let you in on a good thing.
Good for you or good for me.
Good for you, if you succeed. Now being an American, I naturally want my daughter to marry an English Lord.
Quite so. But where to find a lord in this island, the Lord only knows, eh?
Ah, but there is a Lord? My head clerk, Abercoed, is really Lord Abercoed.
No?
Yes, he doesn't know that I know it. Now if science could arrange that my daughter Angela should marry Lord Abercoed, I would be very grateful to science.
And mark your gratitude in a substantial manner.
Of course. I'm a man of business. And science might be induced to do something else.
Science is always open to reason - if there's enough of it.
Science is golden.
I'll give you a chance to make yours 18 K.
Oh you flirt--
First, what do you mean, sir -- she's nothing particular.
And of course a man in my position couldn't marry her of his own accord.
Of course not. But, if nature had selected her for you, you would yield.
I suppose the terms will be the same in my case as in my daughter's.
Tell me - you see in your case science will have to work over time. 100 for coupling the two couples.
100 nothing. I'll give you $10 a head.
Oh no, ten dollars a bump.
I'll give you fifty dollars a head - take it or leave it?
Well then I'll take it. But can you make the young people believe in me? Very few do --
They'll do anything I order them - I'm master here.
Well then is it a go?
I hope so.
I beg pardon --
You heard what I said.
My mistake, but I should like to cement our friendship
before parting, by some little token if you will permit me
let me see.
Certainly not. I wouldn't deprive you of it for the world.
Ah, I see, superstitious.
Well yes, I am - a little.
Then we won't make it a present. Just give me something in exchange. Anything will do.
I haven't any change.
Well I'll be d-----
Ah Lady Holyrood, permit me - Prof Tweedlepunch, the phrenologist.
We were discussing the science of marriage.
Disappointed in love?
To any number.
What a pity you didn't live in Bluebeard's time.
Are you, Lady Holyrood?
But I must find the right one this time. What's the good of being a widow if you don't profit by your experience.
If this Prof. Tweedlepunch can do all he claims he can he's a wonder. I think I'll call all my people here, and let him test his ability at once.
Call all my people here at once.
Now then, Prof. Tweedlepunch, can arrange it so that I marry Dolores, I need no longer fear the exposure of the secret of Florodora, and with my daughter Angela married to Lord Abercoed I will be able to get into the best society in both England and America.
Of course they do, girls will be girls. LAdies and gentlemen
before dealing out universal happiness I wish to mention that
I am at the head of my profession.
Never fear, my dear. Papa is here.
Tweed
No danger.
What.
Bumps. Of truthfulness and simplicity - amiability -- good
nature and obedience strongly developed - bump of affection
sticks out like a water-melon!
Good gracious.
Thank you Miss.
Very few do.
Nothing doing; nothing doing. Mr. Gilfain I find that your daughter is scientifically fitted to marry a man of good business habits.
I'm on the chief clerk.
Allow me, sir. Would you kindly place your head here?
Certainly not. No science on earth could force me to marry where I didn't love.
Oh do try it, Mr. Abercoed it doesn't hurt a bit.
Go on - get in the game - have a dash, have a dash.
I don't mind if I do.
Son-in-law.
They are made to take each other - like the ace and the king
of trumps.
No, I don't mean to, either, in spite of this meddling
trickster.
Quite right!
By machinery.
Professor Tweedlepunch, this is Dolores--
My favorite farm girl;
I'm on.
Will you allow me? My photograph.
I can't stand these, no tobacco cigarettes.
What's this? A mass meeting? What glorious institution are they trying to destroy now, I wonder.
We're about to try marriage by natural selection.
Shall we all try it Mr. Gilfain.
Don't you think that I'm too old to marry.
A man is never too old to marry - if he's very rich.
Do you think so Lady Holyrood, then I'll try it for your
sake.
Mr. Gilfain, will you be seated?
Oh, has he pinched my diamond?
You have a fine head, sir.
What is it?
Ah you don't know. He doesn't know.
Well, you'll not carry that out.
My mistake. To carry out my system to perfection, you should marry a girl of sound common sense, strength of purpose - courage and ambition.
Let me out of this.
Oh, no, no I, bumps;
Thumps, I call it.
I will now proceed to find the girl.
I pity the poor girl who gets Papa.
Will I? Won't I?
I'm not impossible.
No, no. You have no bumps.
I have bumps. You don't know your business.
Hugh. Don't give it away.
What is the trouble, sir?
I have no trouble. Permit me -
What do you mean, off the top?
You know.
How dare you, sir?
Cut that out. Go on with the business. Do you know what you are doing sir?
Yes - taking a little bit off the top. But it's so refreshing. Be seated. Common sense as big as a turkey's egg. Courage - you could hange a hat on it.
That's not a bump. That's my ear. And besides you are mussing my hair.
Strength of purpose
His wife?
Good, if I marry Dolores, my secret is safe forever. It's all right.
It's not all right, pap. I won't have Dolores for my mother.
No, no, I won't.
What's this? What's the matter?
Quite right.
Don't you dare to disobey me, sir. I'm not going to be dictated to by a mere clerk. Do as I order you. Marry my daughter Angela.
I will not.
Then I dismiss you from my service. Leave this Island at once.
As you wish. But I'll be no party to the schemes of this
mountebank, Mr. Gilfain, I leave your service at once.
Quite right.
You won't.
No, never, no never, never.
I call this base ingratitude.
Oh papa.
Don't speak to me for another century.
I should think not; now come here you silly old gentleman.
Pardon me, I should like to cement our friendship. If you
will allow me -- let me see, what have I?
My dear sir, I don't want your knife.
Ah, I see superstitious. Lady Well, I will admit that I am.
Well then, we won't make it a present. Give me some little thing in exchange. Anything will do. It don't matter about the amount.
My, but you are a nuisance.
Now I am going to give you $500.
Science is a mere baby in the hands of a banker.
Please, steady. You shall all be married if you'll only
wait.
If I catch him, I'll give him a bump that he'll never
forget.
I'll return soon and claim you. Can't you trust me? Yes, but I could trust you just as well if I went with you.
Never fear, dear, I won't be long parted from you - and whenever I am, you will always be in my thoughts, waiting for me under the shadows of the beautiful palms.
Now what have you got to say for yourself.
I'm not saying a word.
Don't be angry. Del. I'm not angry. Don't you dare say I'm angry.
I didn't say you were angry. I say, don't be angry. You are all right you'll soon be married. Del. I know it. But I'm going to marry Mr. Abercoed, not Mr. Gilfain. Do you understand that?
Marry the discharged clerk, when you can get the master? Nonsense, besides that'll hurt Mr. Gilfain's feelings.
Wel I -- I --
Have you known him a long time?
Ever since I was a baby. I was born on this Island.
What a chubby little thing you must have been.
Your father. What was his name?
Fernando Quisara.
Quisara?
You silly old man I have been here all the while.
But I didn't know you were Dolores Quisara. He did, that's
why he wanted to marry you.
What?
He's a reptile. You will never marry him. You can marry
Mr. Abercoed or me, or any other blackguard you like, but
Gilfain, never. He's a worm - an ordinary cabbage worm
and I'll crush.
There he is. Now you just watch me.
Now isn't that aggravating?
I don't need to be told again, sir. I'm going.
Tell him to see me here.
Ah there you are, sis!
Valleda, tell Miss Angela that Capt. Donegal is here.
I insisted upon it, I told Mr. Gilfain that my reputation would suffer if I remained here without my family. Hither you must come or I must go.
Quite right. Oh, I say, sis, I'm just dying for a drink.
Right over there.
Splendid. Oh, by the way, have you arranged anything? Are you going to marry Gilfain?
No, not yet.
Not yet. Well, you are in a very peculiar position here, aren't you.
Not at all. I am society help and have charge of the entire establishment.
Ah, I see -- a sort of lady housekeeper, with seven nights
a week out, and ---
Don't be ridiculous, Arthur, every new millionaire requires a title to look after his social advancement. Even a millionaire is nothing but a baby in the hands of a woman with tact.
Oh, Arthur, I'm so glad to see you again.
He wouldn't but for Lady Holyrood insisting upon it.
Well, I'm all right now, how does dear papa get on?
But pap overdoes it.
He call Leandro the captain of his body guard. And those who used to be his clerks he now calls his secretaries.
Ah, that reminds me, has anything been heard of his late clerk, Abercoed?
No--nothing, since he left the Island, he seems to have disappeared altogether.
And that pretty spanish girl?
I beg your pardon!
Dolores? She vanished with professor Tweedlepunch right after Abercoed left. They haven't been heard from either.
Don't say that, somebody may believe you.
He insists that even if I don't marry Lord Abercoed I must marry a nobleman. He says the present harmony in the Anglo Saxon race is because of the marriage of American Heiresses and English Peers.
Nonsense! That's where he's wrong again. England and
America owe their present friendship to the success of the
Belle of New York. We'll leave Arthur to interview the new
millionaire.
Not I! I can't stand these millionaires with their new money and their old castles. I'm off with you.
Mr. Gilfain the millionare!
Before the festivities we must attend to business. Here goes. Secretary for the Home Department.
Is our popularity increasing with our tenants.
Not as I should like, sir. There are some agitators, among them who object to being entertained every day and are finding fault with you.
Dear, dear. I give them salmon, game, caviar, pate de fois
gras champagne. What do they want? I provide them with
conjurors, the biograph, and a band from Blue Hungary, and
still they aren't satisfied. It's very disappointing.
I can't make it out.
They will do, go inside and see if you can make it out.
Where's my typewriter?
Here, sir.
Come here. A tip flirting with that married man.
I'm not flirting and he's not a married man.
Have you written my letters?
As many as I could. It takes a long time to correct the mistakes in your grammar.
I won't have them corrected. Leave them all in. I want to be taken for an English nobleman.
I'll do my way or not at all. I am an experienced
stenographer, and I won't let anyone dictate to me.
Phew, what a temper!
You don't mind my being here, do you?
While Dolores is roaming all over the world, with that schemer, Tweedlepunch, my secret is not safe for one moment. And I'm like the English dailies - I never get the earliest news of anything. Follow me Leandro - sneak -
And so all this grandeur doesn't suit you.
No, I don't care for it.
Don't worry about it, you won't have it when you marry me.
I shan't mind being poor, I should think it delightful for a change.
But you forget, when you are poor you have no change. You need it all for car fare.
No elaborate toilettes for dinner.
No. Quite necessary.
You are young and strong. I don't believe we'll need to keep a servant. I can get the breakfast.
Oh no.
No, I'll get the breakfast! Dear you can build the fire.
No I couldn't think of imposing upon your generosity to that extent. No I'll get the breakfast and you shall build the fire. What do you say?
But why have a fire at all?
Yes, why - well when the fire is out. Why have any breakfast? We are young and strong, we don't need any breakfast.
How about the dinner?
Oh we'll be invited out to dinner.
And those delightful Bohemian suppers.
Yes, everything in cans.
Who will answer the door bell?
Oh, you don't need anyone to answer the door bells, when you live in flats. The doors open mysteriously of themselves.
Oh Flats. Heavenly! When we want anything, there'll be
something to touch.
Touch. Oh I see, you mean your father, don't you?
No, I don't. Now then, go and tell your sister all about it.
All right. I'll obey you now, but just wait till we
are married.
The Governor said no strangers here. This fellow is up to
some game.
Why, what's the matter?
A burglar. Or a highwayman.
Abercoed!
Lord Abercoed. Oh I'm delighted to see you.
You've made a mistake here - you'll get into serious trouble when papa hears of this.
I'd better make myself scarce.
Don't blame them. They didn't know me a gray beard. You must forget my abrupt visit, Miss Gilfain, but I wanted to get a last look at the old castle, and as I didn't care to be known, I put these things on.
Oh Lord Abercoed, I have just heard. I'm so sorry, the tenant didn't expect to find any of the British aristocracy at home just now.
You see, when I got back to England I found there was nothing left but my title.
Well that's worth something if you take it to Cincinnati.
I don't intend to.
What for?
I have been utterly miserable about Dolores.
It's curious -- but I never met a man who isn't miserable
about some woman or other.
I couldn't help it, my lady. We can't get rid of those people who come to the Kitchen door.
Who are they? What are they like?
The man is a very queer looking person. He wanted to give me his photograph.
Yes, my lady.
There is a female, my lady.
Well, it's the same thing in these days of generates. I'll see them, Valleda. SHow them to my apartments at once and don't tell anyone they're here. And be ready to bring them here when I tell you.
Yes my lady.
Tweedlepunch might help my plans. But I'm sorry he
brought Dolores. She might upset them. Ah, no, there's
no fear of her marrying Gilfain, while
Thank you.
Oh, don't mention it. It shouldn't cost me anything you
know.
Now you waiters, what do you mean by putting mayonnaise
dressing on the ice-cream.
I quite forgot to tell you I have a surprise for you.
I have engaged two most celebrated artists, from Paris, who simply went wild over them.
Eh? Ah beautiful Paris - gay Paree - where morning begins at noon and night never begins. The city of angels without wings, where you can live a year in a minute, and forget where you live while you're doing it.
You know Paris, of course.
Know it, who doesn't know it.
Um - I'll speak French.
Admit our distinguished entertainers.
We're in at last.
I can't.
Do you think he'll know me?
Not if you'll keep your mouth shut.
I've a good mind to expose the fraud right here before his own people.
That man'd spoil our plans.
Do I look all right? I feel like a cow.
Lady M.
Well, you look like an undertaker.
Oui.
Marvelous. He understands my French perfectly. What's your name?
Tweedle - -
Tweedle --?
Tweedle de - oui- oui.
Oh I see. Well, what can you do?
Oui. Oui.
You don't tell me. Well if you are good enough for the King
of France you are good enough for us.
Can? Can.
Yes - can - can.
Can? Can?
What's that?
Oh, oui, oui. Je ne sais pas. He doesn't say pas N'est? Oui - oui - comme ce - 5 francs 50 - swindle - la, la.
Il ne comprend pas de tout - de tout - de tout.
What are you doing, swearing at him.
You have no bump of language.
Boemp. Boemp. n'est oui, oui.
Oh, boemp. I see - well, what can you do?
Jug.
He make ze rabbit and ze fried egg to come out of ze hat.
Ah. I see he's a juggler, one of those fellows who turns water into wine and wine into himself. I don't want any juggling. Give us something else. What else can you do?
Alone we sing -
That's right sing us a song.
He certainly is a funny man.
Charmant, magnifique....I'm getting along nicely with my French don't you think. You're a wonderful manager.
It's very easy to manage things if you have other peoples
money to do it with.
I have. I have.
A smart woman - who knows her way about.
That's it that's what I want. That's what I'm looking for,
a woman like you, you dainty little bit of Dresden majolica.
How funny. I really believe he means it.
At last, a second marriage. The triumph of hope over experience.
I must go and see if there's any news of Dolores. I'm
wavering between love on one side and business on the other.
I've an inkling that he won't like the news when he gets it.
Well, my love affair seems to be going very slowly. I must try to hurry this up.
It's that musician chap. He's in a dreadful state.
Why? What's wrong with him?
Why he's drunk all the wine on the table and then swept everything off.
Oh, intoxicated, well get rid of him, put him in the coal cellar.
Whoop - whoop.
Here stop this row.
Well, upon my word. Tweedlepunch - why, where did you get it?
Mr. Donegal. Mr. Captain Donegal. Arthur. You love Angela, don't blame you. Angela by name and Angela by nature. We'll all be angels later on -- higher up - my preliminary interview with Angela --
Miss Gilfain, if you please.
Arthur, you are right - always right. Angela is --
Miss Gilfain.
Don't interrupt. While in the Philippines, resting under the shades of the sheltering palms, in the precinct of the perfume of that rotten perfumery, Florodora --
That will do. What are you doing here.
Business.
What?
Business of a most particularly private and personal nature.
Oh indeed.
Clothes.
No - no - why - why-
Oh. It was the only way we could get in - Society demands it and I don't want to wear the damn things. I'd just as soon --
What are you driving at. I beg your pardon.
It was the only way we could get in - sislishily
Now let us try that again. Quietly.
Whoa.
Here I am.
She's here.
What?
She's here. She's here to claim her rights. Most women have
wrongs but Dolores has rights. Once upon a time, I had a
bosom friend. In the happy land beyond the seas, where the
lotus blooms and the busy bee bask and bask in the busy
sunshine.
Here, here.
Her father - my friend - we were bound together by bonds - by ties - that fade not neither do they spin - he died and left me an orphan.
What? He died and left you an orphan.
No, no, Dolores died - same thing.
Dolores died. Why you said she was here.
No, no, she's the orphan.
What?
I have lost my collar stud.
Here, stop that. You forget where you are.
See it? I haven't got eyes in my chin.
The trouble with you, my friend, is that you are drunk.
Oh, Arthur - Artie
Get on your feet.
Untwist me.
I should say you did.
Arthur, I should like to cement our friendship with some
little token -
Now see here, I want you to understand that the ladies must not see you while you are in this condition.
The ladies.
Brace you up, do you see that tent.
I see several.
Well, go into the tent.
Which one.
Go into all of them. Come on, careful - step over that
stone.
William. William. Bring me a glass of water.
What's that?
A glass of water.
A glass of water. YOu had better go and put your head under the pump.
No, thank you. I don't want any more bumps.
Pump, Pump.
Ah, I hate to part with that old Virginia cheroot.
Here, that won't do you any good.
Pardon me, I know my constitution.
The trouble with you is that you know too much.
No, No. Gilfain't fraud and I can prove it. Leandro,
Leandro.
It's a bad case of sunstroke.
Sun stroke.
Miss Gilfain, how did you recognize me with my moustache?
Why you have only half a moustache.
There is some mystery here.
Miss Gilfain, I am sorry to say that your father is an unsuperable, a double usurper.
Oh, Mr. Tweedlepunch, you mustn't say that.
Yes, I must say it. His money isn't his - Florodora isn't his, everything belongs to another.
To another?
Dolores is the rightful owner of all his wealth.
Dolores?
Oh, I see - then that's why he paid you to say that Dolores ought to marry him.
Of course. Pardon me, but he didn't pay me. He only promised.
Now do as your little sister wants.
If you don't, I won't consent to your marriage.
Yes do, Arthur, or she won't consent to your mother and my sister.
My mother and your sister, and your father is going to be my brother and -- well, I am getting this thing beautifully mixed. I think I'd better go and --
Now tell us all about it.
You see this thing?
What is the matter?
Sunstroke.
Oh yes, sunstroke -- the sun is very hot.
What are you going to do?
Quite so - he's going to marry a society widow -- that'll punish him.
But what are you going to do with papa?
Ah, you don't know -- your father doesn't know -- I don't know.
She knows.
And Mr. Gilfain will know pretty soon. Now come along, put
this on.
A harper.
You play the harp.
I can't play the harp. I'm not an angel yet.
Now you are eighty.
Pardon me -- forty-two.
You be eighty with these on.
Then I won't put them on.
Papa will never be able to resist.
Such glorious conspirators as we shall be. Revenge. Revenge, Revenge.
I have to make an announcement that I am sure will give you infinite satisfaction. I am about to be married.
We congratulate you.
My beautiful bride was born on the Island of Florodora --
her name is Dolores -- and --
Mr. Gilfain thinks he has discovered by a scientific process that we are suited to each other. After Mr. Gilfain is married, he'll find out how much science has to do with it. If we marry, we shall be very happy among you all. I am sure. That is if we --
Not so many ifs please.
Well, we are not married yet.
Supper is served.
Come Dolores, you shall preside for the first time at your
own table.
Stop! Not so fast! Spare a minute for the bard. DIM LIGHTS
You'll soon hear it.
What? Who spoke? Who said robber?
A voice from the past remarked robber.
How dare a voice from the past remark anything of the sort?
You're standing in other people's shoes. Usurper!
It isn't true -- the Abercoed's family squandered their
property. Gambled it, threw it away -- I bought it.
With whose money?
With my own. The money I made out of the secret of Florodora.
Whose secret swindler?
Mine. I registered the trade mark. I'm not going to be bullied by voices of the past.
You'll have to submit. You'll have to submit, you lobster -- thief, unless you restore to them their own.
What I have I mean to keep
That's what the blood red Abercoed said. But he altered his tune.
I wish you'd change yours. Who was blood-red Abercoed?
A robber in the middle ages. The first of the Abercoeds --
Well, what has that to do with you? I don't like fairy stories.
The friendless girl tells her own stories. First of all she
sickened.
I'm glad of it -- there's an end of her.
Oh, no, she rose up and haunted him with this legend.
I don't like legends. Cut it out.
Of mortal ere within this castle be,
A man cursed of crime or treachery,
A maid devoid of virtue or of truth,
One who has tricked a maiden in her youth.
Did not the island of Florodora and the secret of Florodora
belong to my friend Quisara?
When he died, they belonged to his daughter Dolores.
They did. But I'll restore everything -- Ethelwynda has been too much for me. I'm a simple man of business but I can't do business with spirits.
Tweedlepunch.
Oui! Oui!
And Lady Holyrood too, you little rogue -- wait until we are married. Well, I'll restore everything.
And I have a little present for the bard.
And oversee the island of Florodora.