Florodora
Book by Owen Hall,
Lyrics by E. Boyd Jones and Paul Rubens
Music by LESLIE STUART
Produced 10 November 1900 at the Casino Theater in New York
FLORODORA
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CYRUS W. GILFAIN:  Proprietor of the Island and of the 
				  world-renowned Florodora
FRANK ABERCOED:   Confidential clerk to Gilfain, and 
				manager of the whole business on the 
				Island.
LEANDRO: 		Overseer of the farm
ERNEST PYM		   }
REGINALD LANGDALE  }
TENNYSON SYMS      }	Clerks of Gilfain's.
FRANK AEFELBAUM   }  
JOHN SCOTT		   }
WILLIAM GROGAN     }

CAPTAIN ARTHUR DONEGAL:  Of the 4th Royal LIfe Guards.
					     Lady Holyrood's brother.
ANTHONY TWEEDLEPUNCH:	Showman, hypnotist, palmist and
						phrenologist.
DOLORES:				A girl on Gilfain's farm.
ANGELA GILFAIN
LADY HOLYROOD:			A widow, Arthur Donegal's sister.
CALISTA		}
JOSE		}
INEZ		}			Spanish Girls, Heads of the various farms,
JUANITA		}			
VIOLANTHE	}
VALLEDA		}

JOSIE LING			}
MAMIE ROWE			}
DAISY CHAIN			}	English Girls, friends of Angela's.
LOTTA CHALMERS		}
CYNTHIA BELMONT		}
CLAIRE FITZCLARENCE	}

Spanish Bred Farm Laborers, Flower Girls, Porters,
And A Couple of Negroes.



ACT I
SCENE:	A small Island of the Phillippine
		group.  Down stage R. are the offices
		and warehouses of Cyrus Gilfain,
		manufacturer of Florodora, a famous
		perfume.  His private laboratory is
		down stage L.  Rear drop shows a 
		flower farm with hydrangea blossoms
		palms, etc.
		
		
		There is also the open sea and a small
		creek or a landing stake from which a 
		boat can get away.
	
	
DISCOVERED:  Farm Attendants, engaged in packing 
			 blossoms into big baskets.  They are
			 packing cases at the side with the 
			 name of "Florodora, Cyrus Gilfain,
			 Proprietor" printed on.  Gilfain's
			 name is also on the door of his 
			 laboratory
		
		
		
		OPENING CHORUS
	
	
	Flowers a-bloomish so gay
		Roses on every tree
	Sweetest words that lovers can say
		Fair as the whispering sea.
	Roses softly blooming
	to your sweet perfuming
		Say goodbye.
	Fragrance distilling
	Willing or unwilling
		Ye must die.
	
	So should we maidens, too
		Heed the hours, that fly away, away
	For a flower or maid, 'tis true
		That life alas is but a day.
	So should we maidens, too
		Heed the hours that fly away, away
	For a flower or maid tis true
		That life, alas, is but a day.
		
	And through the day
	'Tis thus we wander dreaming, dreaming
	Mid the flowers
	With visions soaring widely, widely
	To that Fairy Land
	
		That only maidens discover
	Wandering hand in hand.
		With Cupid for lover.
	
	
	
	(Enter SPANISH GIRLS)
	
	
	Flora, Florodora
		Of all perfumes divine
	As Goddess we adore her
		In her flowery shrine
	Her gifts on our Island bestowing
	There lies in each flower gaily blowing
		A fortune ne'er ending
		To maids that are tending
	The shrine of our Saint Florodora.
		Of all perfumes divine
		As Goddess we adore her
		In her flowery shrine
	Her gifts on our Island bestowing
	There lies in each flower gaily blowing
		A fortune ne'er ending
		To maids that are tending
	The shrine of our Saint Florodora.
	
	So dance once again
		The gay Caballero
	And sing a bolero refrain
	And sing a bolero, bolero refrain.
	Dance Caballero again,
		Gay castanetting
		To lovers coquetting
	So sing a bolero and dance caballero again
	
	
	So should we maidens too,
		Heed the hours that fly away,
	For a flower or maid 'tis true,
		That life alas is but a day,
	Florodora, Florodora.
		With a gay castanet dance before her,
	Flora, Dora, Flora, Dora,
		As a Goddess or a Queen we adore her,
			Cabellero.
		Sing Bolero, sing bolero,
			Sing a bolero, dance Caballero again.
		
			
		
			(Chorus finishes, enter LEANDRO, L.U.E. Spanish 
			Girls come forward and chorus)
			
			Leandro
		(C.)
	You're very troublesome, you girls.  Just the very day that 
	Mr. Gilfain's arriving from his trip to England you're all
	late.  What's the excuse for this?
		(Girls laugh)
			InezWe take longer when we expect such a distinguished visitor.
			ValledaI had a couple inches off my skirt.  Late time Mr. Gilfain
	was here he told me he liked to see my pretty ankles.
			Leandro
		(Smokes cigarette)
	I guess you like to please him that way, in any extent.  But
	he's not coming to an anatomical museum.  The world, is waiting
	 for this season's supply of Florodora, our great perfume.
	 We must see that they get it.  Don't chatter to the clerks - 
	 but get to business.
	 	(Goes right during the following number)	 	
	 	(Enter PYM, LANG, SIMS, AEPFEL, SCOTT, and GROGAN
	 	R.3.E.)
	 		 Pym
	 	(To Leandro)
	Well, Leandro, is everything in order for Mr. Gilfain? 	
	 		 Leandro
	 	(Xes R. to C.)
	Everything in my department.  I can't answer for the office
	 work.	 
	 		PymWho asked you to?  We attend to that.
	 		LeandroYou?  You mean Mr. Abercoed attends to it.
	 		Pym
	 	(Good humoredly)
	 Well he represents Mr. Gilfain, so we do our duty to our
	 employer when we obey Abercoed.
	 	(Turns a little up stage L.)
	 	(Enter ABERCOED L.U.E)
	 	
			Abercoed
		(Goes C.)
	Well, boys, is everything all right in the office?
			PymYes sir.  There's a splendid crop of blossoms and a capital
	crop of orders too.
			AbercoedAnd Mr. Gilfain will find everything ready for him.  He can 
	prepare the essence of Florodora the minute he arrives.
			ClerksCan we go now --
			AbercoedYou may go now...
		(Pym, Sims, Lang and Aelfel and clerks exit R. in 
		office)
			Leandro
		(Xing to L.)
	I wish I could find out how he makes Florodora.
			AbercoedNone of that.  The secret of preparing Florodora is Mr.
	Gilfain's own.  To try to find out is to try to rob him.
	Have you anything to say to me --
			LeandroYes I have.  One of the farm girls neglects her work.
			Abercoed
		(Watching him carefully)	
	Which one?
			LeandroThe one all of you spoil of course.
			Abercoed
		(Aside)
	Dolores.
			LeandroFirst of all Mr. Gilfain says she is not to do more work than 
	she likes.  Then she does none at all and he doubles her wages.
	There's some mystery about that girl.
			AbercoedMystery, nonsense.  Mr. Gilfain likes her as we all do, and
	wants to be kind to her, besides what is it you anyway?
			LeandroEverything.  She is idle and careless, she sets a bad example.
	I can't maintain discipline.
		(Symphony of Dolores' Song commences)
			AbercoedSend the girl to me, I'll talk to her.
		(Leandro exits R.U.E)
	I can't allow Leandro to lord it over her.
		(DOLORES voice is heard off stage -- singing)
		(Abercoed exits R.2.E.)
		(After song, Dolores goes up L.C.  ABERCOED enters 
		from R.2.)
			AbercoedAh Dolores come here.
		(E.C.)
	Leandro has been complaining about you.  He says that you
	don't attend to your work.
			Dolores
		(L.C.)
	Of course I don't - I hate work.  But don't you be angry with 
	me.  Mr. Gilfain never is.
			AbercoedAnd he's the master.  So we must all spoil you like he does, 
	I suppose, and follow his lead.
			Dolores
		(Xes to L. toying with a flower and drops it)
	Is it difficult to follow that lead?
			Abercoed
		(Following her a little)
	It is difficult not to follow it.
		(Picks up flower)
			Dolores
	A man can always get over a little difficulty like that, if 
	he wants to.
	
	
			AbercoedNo, not always  -- there may be reasons why he must not - why
	he dare not.
	
			Dolores
		(Goes to him)
	And have you any such reasons.
			AbercoedYes -- one.
			DoloresI guess it.  You've married already.
		(Goes L.C.)
	Most foreigners have wives in their own country.  That's why
	they come abroad.
		(Xes R.)
	AbercoedNo, you are wrong, Dolores.  I left my country, quarreled with
	my own people, because I wouldn't marry.
		Dolores
		(Xes to)
	Yes, you.
		(Comes down)
			Abercoed
	Because I wouldn't marry a woman I didn't love.
		(Xes to L.C.)
			
			Dolores
		(Xes to R.C.)
	I like you for that.  And you will only marry a woman you 
	really love?
			Abercoed
	Marry?  I mustn't marry - at least, not yet.
			Dolores
	Well, if you mustn't marry, that needn't prevent you being 
	in love.
			Abercoed
	No, and Dolores, perhaps I'm in love.
			Dolores
		(Expectantly)
	With me -- are you in love with me.
	
			Abercoed
	Well I mustn't say with whom, but I am in love with somebody.
	Some day I may be free, and I promise to tell you all about 
	it then.
			Dolores
	I shall remember that promise.
			Abercoed
	And I will seal it.
		(Kisses her)
		
			DUET -- DOLORES AND ABERCOED
					"SOMEBODY"
					Dolores
	If you're in love with somebody,
	Happy and lucky somebody,
	Tell me, I pray, her name and say,
	Where did you meet her?  What was the day,
	When you met this somebody.
					Abercoed
	To somebody, why should I tell the day?
	Well, give this kiss to somebody,
	There's none in the [world like she]
	On land, and sea, where'er I be,
	My heart will be here, just here,
	With somebody?
	
					Dolores
	Ah! -- with somebody
					Abercoed
	Ah!
			It is for you to tell, my lady,
			And since you know her well, my lady,
			You are the image of somebody,
	Yes you are the image of somebody, somebody,
	Ah! -- my lady, ah! - my lady,
	You're the image of somebody, of somebody,
	Yes of somebody, somebody!
	
					Dolores
	It is for me to tell this lady,
	And since I know her well this lady
	I am the image of somebody, of somebody,
	I am the image of somebody.
	
	
					Abercoed
	Who'd be king.  Not, I, not I.
	If I must part with somebody.
	Pleasure and pride on a throne, goodbye.
	 To pleasure and pride I'd say goodbye,
	To remain with somebody.
					Dolores
	To somebody why should you say goodbye,
	If you should fly away, away
	Then what would become of somebody?
	While you can stay, come then what may,
	Yes, heaven to somebody.
					Dolores
	Ah --
					Abercoed
	Ah ---- to somebody.
	 
	It is for you to tell, my lady,
	And since you know her well my lady,
	You are the image of somebody,
	Ah -- my lady -- ah my lady,
	You are the image od somebody, of somebody,
	Yes of somebody, somebody,
	I love somebody, somebody.
	On land, or sea, where'er I be --
	I love this somebody, and,
	This somebody loves me well.
	
					Dolores
	It is for me to tell this lady,
	And since I know her well, this lady,
	I am the image of somebody, of somebody,
	I am the image of somebody,
	Ah -- ah, ah, you love this somebody,
	And this somebody loves you well --
	
		(Abercoed kisses her.  Dolores runs off L.1.E.
		Abercoed runs off R.2.E. after picking up flower)
		(At end of Duet enter Spanish Girls R.U.E. Come
		down L.C.)
		(Noise heard off L.U.E.  Enter TWEEDLEPUNCH down C.
		and others up on stand.  Hurry music and murmurs off -
		and from R.U.E.)
		
		(Tweedlepunch followed by LEANDRO who has knife.
		Tweedlepunch has bags, and phrenological chart and
		dummy head.  Tweedlepunch runs on and finally climbs
		up on shed R. after looking off L.I.E)
		 (The idea to be conveyed being that he has been 
		chased by Leandro, and is in fear of violence)
					Leandro
		Ah Caramba.
			(Knife Bus.)
		Come down from there.
					Tweedlepunch
		Is there anything about my appearance that suggests that I
		am a damned fool?
			(Leandro rushes at him - knife bus.)
		If you come any nearer I'll scream.
					Leandro
		What are you doing on this island?
					Tweedlepunch
		Trying to avoid being punctured.
			(Leandro picks up phrenological dummy head and after
			looking at it throws it down saying disgustedly)
		Bah, Oh I say don't throw anything about like that.
					Leandro
		I will.  I'll fix it!
			(Kicks the head and hurts his foot)
					Tweedlepunch
		Serves you right - that's my head you're kicking.
					Leandro
		Your head?
					Tweedlepunch
		Yes - I lost it in the excitement when you were giving me 
		such a warm - welcome to your dinky old island.
					Leandro
		Ah.  I'll give you a warmer one.
				(with knife bus.)
					Tweedlepunch
		Look out, look out.
				(After climbing still further up on shed)
					Tweedlepunch
		I have a revolver.
			(Threateningly)
					Leandro
		No.
			(Making another pass at him with knife)
					Tweedlepunch
		In my satchel.
			(Pointing to satchel)
		Hand up my satchel.
					Leandro
		Who are you and what are you doing here?
					Tweedlepunch
		I am Anthony Tweedlepunch, phrenologist, palmist, and wholesale
		Scientist from the Royal Aquarium, London.  My photograph-
			(Throws it to him)
					Leandro
		No strangers are allowed on the Island of Florodora.
					Tweedlepunch
		I was not aware of that.  If you will kindly send some gentlemanly 
		person to talk to me, I will be charmed to dispense 
		with your society.
					Leandro
				(Kicks bag)
		Ah Caramba.
				(Bus. with knife)
		I'll go and find Mr. Abercoed.  He'll attend to you in short
		order.  Ah.
				(Bus. with knife and exit Leandro R. through shed)
					Tweedlepunch
		Isn't he abrupt.
				(Bus. of trying to look off under shed from his perch
				on roof.)
		I hope Abercoed isn't another ruffian with a carver.
				(Starts to clamber down from shed and upon hearing girls
				laugh, clambers back again)
				(Enter JUANITA, INEZ, VALLEDA, etc. L.U.E.)
					Tweedlepunch
		Ah ladies ---
				(Girls seeing him, scream)
				
		Don't do that, I'm not a bogy man.
				(Climbing down from shed and pausing to look off
				under shed where Leandro went off before dropping 
				to stage.)
					Inez
		Perhaps he's a burgelaar.
					Valleda
		Let us go and call Leandro.
					Tweedlepunch
		If Leandro is the gentleman with the knife, I have met him
		and he endeavored to cut me.
					Inez
		Who might you be.
					Tweedlepunch
		I am Anthony Tweedlepunch, phrenologist, etcetra, etcetra.
		My photograph.
			(Hand card.)
			(Pick up damaged dummy head.  Recovers baggage and 
			place it with dummy head R.)
					Valleda
		You are a palmist also, the card says - 
					Tweedlepunch
		Yes, - I can read your palm, and tell you anything you 
		wish to know for a shilling - for two shillings I tell you 
		a great deal that never happened.  Let me see your palm.
			(Bus. of reading palm)
		You don't use pearl's soap?  Your mother was a married
		woman.  You are a flirt and are inclined to transfer your 
		affections at the slightest provocation.
					Valleda
		Transfer my affections - how do you know?
					Tweedlepunch
		By the number of cross lines running off your main line.
		You are rather careless of your clothes - your clothes 
		line is full of knots.
					Valleda
		I think you are a fraud.
			(Girls walk up stage -- laugh)
				Tweedlepunch
		If I am - it is my business.
			(To Calista)
		Here just one moment, please.  Do you know I have taken
		quite a fancy to you?
				CalistaHave you?
				Tweedlepunch
		Yes.  I should like to cement our friendship with some little
		token.  If you will permit me.  Let me see --
			(Hands in pocket)
		What have I.  Ah, my pocket knife.  Do you know I have carried 
		that knife for ten years?  Will you accept it?
					Calista
		Oh thank you very much.
				Tweedlepunch
		You are not superstitious if you are we won't make it a 
		present just give me some little thing in exchange.  Anything 
		will do, it does not matter the amount.
					Calista
		Yes but I haven't anything less than a dollar.
				Tweedlepunch
			(Takes it quickly)
		That will do.  A dollar will break the hoodoo
			(Aside)
		That's pretty good.  They only cost me fifty cents a dozen.
				Inez
		Here comes Mr. Abercoed and Leandro.
			(Tweedlepunch goes R.  Enter ABERCOED and LEANDRO
			R.3.E.)
				Abercoed
		Where is this stranger.
			(Sees Tweedlepunch)
		Are you aware sir that Str-Angers are not allowed on this island?
				Tweedlepunch
		Quite so, but my mission here is private.  Can you tell me 
		if there is upon this island a lady named Quisara?
		
		
				Abercoed
		No such person known here.  We are expecting the owner of the 
		island, Mr. Gilfain, whose yacht has been sighted.  Perhaps
		he can inform you.  Are you acquainted with Mr. Gilfain?
				Tweedlepunch
		Yes, that is - I have never met him.
			(Aside)
		The villain - it was he who robbed my old friend Quisara
		of the secret of Florodora.
				Abercoed
		Mr. Gilfain is the Supreme authority here.  I must detain you
		until he arrives and leave the disposition of your fate to 
		him.
				Tweedlepunch
		Fate?  My word... There'll be something doing here.
				Leandro
		Hadn't I better stab him and throw him into the sea at once.
		What's the use of bothering Mr. Gilfain.
				Tweedlepunch
		That young man is too nervous to be trusted with a knife.
				Abercoed
		No - take him away and confine him in the flower shed until
		Mr. Gilfain has landed.
			(Goes up C. on bank)
				Leandro
			(To Tweedle)
		Come...
				Tweedle
		Not with you --
			(Bus. with knife)
		Just as you say - charmed, I'm sure.
			(Picking up luggage)
		Would you mind carrying my head?  I fear it is slightly
		cracked.
			(Leandro takes dummy head angrily - punches it)
		My dear sir can't we be friends!!
			(Pulls flask)
		(Abercoed goes up C. and looks off R.)
				Leandro
		Amigos.
				Tweedlepunch
		No, Hennessy three star but Amigos, if you like that better.				
				Leandro
		Bah, Adolante - caramba.
			(Bus. with knife)
			Tweedle
		Quite so.  I'll bet this fellow will stick me for the drinks.
			(Exit Tweedle. and Leandro R. through shed)
			(Gun off)
				Abercoed
		Here he comes.  Here's Mr. Gilfain.	
			(Exits R.3.E.)
			(Enter Chorus Spanish ladies and clerks)
			Chorus of Welcome
			
		Hail from the storm and sea and wind,
		Hail the master indulgent and kind,
			Lord of our Isle,
			He is returning,
			A shout and a smile,
		And cheek that is burning,
		For with power not less than Kings,
		Neath his rule and his sheltering wings,
			We can alloy
			Our toil with jollity,
			So life we enjoy,
			Of Utopian quality.
		So trip, trip, trip to meet him,
			And then to greet him,
			From off the ship,
		Huzza, huzza, huzza,
		Our bright delight of displaying,
		My wild hurraying,
		With might and main,
		Huzza, Huzza, huzza,
		We say good day to you, we say good day to you.
		With them vie,
		With a shy and downcast eye,
		And try to convey you,
		By a merry good day today,
		Hail we with merry frivolity,
		Song dance and jollity,
		O'er our home and our isle he'll reign,
		
		For he returns to us again,
		So trip, trip, trip, to meet him,
			And then to greet him,
			From off the ship,
		Huzza, huzza, huzza,
		Our bright delight displaying,
		With wild hurraying,
		With might and main,
		Huzza, huzza, huzza,
		Our king is returning,
		A welcome returning,
		Hail the master, king and master,
		We hail you sir, from storm and sea,
		We hail, hail, huzza.
			(Enter GILFAIN R.U.E. straw hat, light spaca [opera?] coat,
			white vest, and trousers, he is a good natured
			smiling old fool, -- Gilfain eyes Ines, Juanita,
			Valleda, and Violanthe, insinuatingly)
			(Enter six English ladies and Leandro)
				Gilfain
		Thanks, friends thanks.  Wonderful what a hearty welcome they
		give you, when you're sole proprietor of them all
				
				All
		We're glad to see you back again, sir.
				Gilfain
		You're glad to see the prodigal returned, eh?  I see you
		have brought out the fatted calves - I'm very glad to be
		back.
				Pym
		I hope you liked England.
				Gilfain
		Liked England.  Why I'm going to become a denaturalized
		Englishman.   I think that's what they call it -- I know it 
		means an unnatural American.  I've bought a castle in Wales,
		a beautiful romantic spot about four miles from Gylnnyddle.
		Waddlefad on the banks, of the Jimmyerickingnyflynn river.
				Pym
		How poetical
				Gilfain
		Isn't it?  But Wales is no place for poetry.  England's the
		place for poetry.  Why, there's a feller over there named
		Austin - I think he comes from Texas, they call him the 
		
		poet lariat.  He's got a contract by the year with the Government
		for all the poetry he turns out.  And from what I heard
		it is only machine goods at that.  England is a wonderful
		country.  And the girls - the English girls.
				Inez
		Are they prettier than we are.
			(Xing to C.)
				Gilfain
			(C.)
		A different style of beauty, my dear.  But you shall judge
		for yourself.  I have brought some of Angela'a friends over 
		with me to see the Island.  Here they are all lined up.
			(Pointing to the English girls R.)
		Remnants left over from the matrimonial stock of our latest
		London season, ladies, my clerks.
			(Clerks X to R. to English girls)
		Now boys and girls you know that my one subject in life after 
		Florodora is to see you all happy.  I am going to take you all 
		over to Wales.  How will travelling suit you eh?
				Inez
			(Xing C. to Gilfain)
		Oh we shouldn't like that at all.  There was a traveller here
		this morning and he seemed far from happy.
				Gilfain
		A traveller?  Who is he - what's his name.
				Valleda
			(Xes C. to Gil)
		Professor Tweedlepunch, from the Royal Aquarium, London.
		Here's his photograph.
				Gilfain
		No strangers allowed here.  Leandro, where is this interloper,
		Prof. Tweedlepunch.
				Leandro
			(Xes C. to Gil.)
		I left him asleep on the shed.
				Gilfain
		Asleep on my premises - how dare he?  I'll wake him up - the 
		idea here boys - Pym, Sir, show our friends around the island.
		Come Leandro.
			(Exit Gilfain, followed by Leandro R.2.E.)
			(All exit)
		
		(Enter Lady HOLYROOD R.U.E.)
				Lady Holyrood
			(Call off stage)
		Angela. Angela. I've lost Angela Gilfain and I've lost my
		way.  Oh here is someone - will you please tell me --
			(Enter ABERCOED R.U.E.)
				Abercoed
			(Taking off his hat bows, and recognizes her)
		Good gracious, Lady Holyrood.
				Lady H.
		Good gracious Frank Abercoed.  You here.
			(They shake hands)
				Abercoed
		Yes -- where I hoped that none of my acquaintances in England 
		should ever find me.
				Lady H.
		Oh you are very polite -- of course, we know that you had 
		disappeared.  We read it in the Daily Telegraph -- but no
		one know why you went or where you'd gone.  Some said you had
		run away, with a French Ballet girl - others, that you were 
		in a lunatic asylum.
				Abercoed
			(C.)
		No, neither.  I left England because I'd a promise I couldn't
		perform.
				Lady H.
		How noble.  Who was the promise to -- a woman, or a money 
		lender?
				Abercoed
		Didn't you know I was engaged to marry?
			(Whispers to her)
				Lady H.
		Yes, I remember.  Well, why didn't you marry her?
				Abercoed
		Well I didn't love her and like a coward I ran away.
				Lady H.
		A coward -- to run away from a woman with $10,000 a year!
		I call it pluck or folly, the same thing.  But she consoled 
		herself.
				Abercoed
		How?
				Lady H.
		Married soon afterward.
				Abercoed
			(Eagerly)
		Married.
				Lady H.
		Oh I daresay, they're separated now.  They've been married
		more than a year.
				Abercoed
		Then I'm free -
			(Xes)
				Lady H.
		Quite right to be grateful -- so few unmarried men are free.
		They all have ties they can't shake off.  Married women are 
		the only people that seem to be really free.
			(Taps him -- goes to him)
		But what have you been doing with yourself all this time.
				Abercoed
		I went to America to earn my living.  I called at Mr. Gilfain's
		office and told him I wanted a position - he asked 
		me what I could do.
				Lady H.
		I suppose you told him you could play bridge.
				Abercoed
		No I told him I could read, write, and add up figures.
				Lady H.
		Unusual accomplishment for an English gentleman.  Wasn't he 
		surprised.
				Abercoed
		Now he told me to sit on a high stool - I sat there a year 
		and then he sent me here as his representative, and here I am.
		
				Lady H.
		Yes here you are right enough, but you can't stop here forever 
		now that you're Lord Abercoed.
				Abercoed
		Lord Abercoed.
				Lady H.
		Don't you know?  Your uncle's been dead ever so long.
				Abercoed
		Dead?  My uncle dead -- are you certain?
			(Xes to L.C.)
				Lady H.
			(Xes R.)
		Well reasonably so -- I attended his funeral.
				Abercoed
		Then I am Lord Abercoed.
				Lady H.
		Yes, and you're wanted in England at once.
				Abercoed
		I shan't go.  I can be happy enough here.
				Lady H.
		What stay here?
			(Up stage)
		In this outlandish hole?  Ah there must be some special
		attraction.
				Abercoed
		Well, I'm free now - and there is -
				Lady H.
		In love, eh?
				Abercoed
		Yes --
				Lady H.
			(R.)
		How nice, oh do tell me about it.  Are you in love like a 
		common person with a nice girl -- or like a fashionable man 
		with a friend's wife?
				Abercoed
		But what brought you here.
		
				Lady H.
		Oh, I came with Mr. Gilfain on business.
				Abercoed
		Business.
				Lady H.
		Yes, you see, in the first place, I am looking for a suitable
		match for my brother Arthur - now - Angela Gilfain will do 
		splendidly, and then as Mr. Gilfain is so very rich, - why I
		might be persuaded to - to - to --
				Abercoed
		Oh I see.
				Lady H.
		I am so glad you see.
				Abercoed
		You want to be the second Mrs. Gilfain?
				Lady H.
		Hush, hush.  Nothing is arranged.  Up to now I am faithful 
		to the memory of my first husband.
			(Aside)
		It is so easy to be faithful to a man who isn't alive.
			(Xes L.)
				Abercoed
		Well, I know you must have had some strong motive for leaving 
		town.  Why London must be like a deserted village without
		Lady Holyrood.
			(Takes off hat, bows graciously)
				Lady H.
		Oh I suppose they're perfectly wretched without me.  They 
		always are when I leave town.
			(Abercoed stands, one foot on stool during verse.
			Sits for second R. corner)
				SONG -- LADY HOLYROOD
				"When I Leave Town"
		I'm a lady, don't forget,
		With a sense of etiquette,
		And all I say,
		Is in the Daily Mail next day,
		Dances, Music Hall and plays
		Drawing rooms and smart soirees
		Or Henley, Goodwood and Paree,
		Owe their great success to me.
		
				Refrain
		I'm known everywhere
		From Bayswater to Berkeley Square,
		I have a sort of air that positively knocks you down,
		I'm so gay you know,
		On the go, to and fro,
		There's nothing anywhere about,
		When I leave town when I leave town.
				-2-
		If I go to sup or dine,
		I know where to crew the line,
		A smart black frock,
		And always home by 12 o'clock
		I don't pay anything at all,
		Bar a dreadful Sunday call,
		And when my funds are singing low,
		Someone sees to that, you know.
				(Refrain.  Exit Lady Holyrood L.1.E. after dance.
				Abercoed rises and Xes to R.C. Enter DOLORES after 
				song L.U.E.)
				Dolores
		Who was that woman?
				Abercoed
		A lady from England.
				Dolores 
			(Angry)
		The lady - the lady who wants to marry you?  I see.  She's 
		come to find 
				Abercoed
		No, no, Dolores, she's a friend of Mr. Gilfain's.
				Dolores
		And a friend of yours too.
				Abercoed
		Yes and a good friend since she has brought me good news.
				Dolores
		She was a long time telling you.  I don't like her at 
		all.
		
		
				Abercoed
		Why, don't be unreasonable, Dolores, she was only looking 
		for Mr. Gilfain.
				Dolores
		Yes, but she found you.  After what you told me this morning,
		I can't bear to see you speak to another woman.
			(Exits R. 1 to behind the warehouse)
				Abercoed
		Jealous!  Well, that shows she's in earnest.
			(Enters LADY M. L.U.E.)
				Lady H.
		Oh, Lord Abercoed, I forgot to tell you I've lost Angela
		Gilfain.
				Abercoed	
		Oh, we'll soon find her.  It's a very little island.
				Lady H.
		Yes, but she's a very little girl.
			(Enter THREE MEN carrying a large basket of flowers.
			ANGELA is in it L.U.E. when they get to C. Lady H.
			speaks)
		My, what beautiful flowers.
				Abercoed
		Yes -- that's what we make this perfume of.  Take it into 
		the warehouse boys.
			(Angela bobs up from flowers and men put basket 
			down on stage C)
				Angela
		Please don't have me put in the warehouse, Mr. Abercoed.
				Abercoed
		Why, Miss Gilfain, come out of that.
				Lady H.
		What are you doing there?
			(Angela gets out, helped by others)
				Angela
		It was to surprise you and Arthur and because I was so 
		afraid of papa.  He's changed his mind again.
				Abercoed
		Changed his mind -- about what?
		
				Angela
		Well, he promised I should marry Arthur and then on our trip
		across, he said I mustn't.  He's found someone else more suitable 
		and -- oh, I can't tell you -- you tell him, Lady Holyrood.
				Lady H.
		Certainly.
			(Turns to Abercoed)
		You are to be the happy man, Mr. Gilfain wants you to marry
		Angela.
				Abercoed
		Impossible.
				Angela
		Why, of course it is --
				Lady H.
		My dear.
				Angela
		I mean I am so very fond of Arthur.
				Lady H.
		You see, I told the story of the lost Lord Abercoed on the
		yacht.  Mr. Gilfain guessed it was you and he wants to make 
		his daughter an English Peeress like all other American 
		millionaires.
			(Xes R)
			(Enter DONEGAL L.U.E.)
				Donegal
			(Coming down C. to Angela)
		Oh, there you are, I have been looking all over the place for 
		you.
			(Turns R. and sees Abercoed)
		Why, Frank Abercoed, upon my word -- I beg your pardon, Lord 
		Abercoed.
				Angela
		Lord Abercoed?
				Donegal
		Yes, he's a lord now with a seat in the House of Peers and 
		with all the privileges of a true born British brewer.
			(Xes R.C)
		
				Angela
		Lord Abercoed, you of Abercoed Castle?
				Abercoed
		Yes, that's the family place.
				Angela
		Why, that's the place papa has bought and he's going to turn
		it into a warehouse.
				Abercoed
		My old home, a warehouse?
				Lady H.
			(Bus. indicates Abercoed)
			(Xes L.C.)
		And he wants the title to go with the estate to his daughter.
			(Turns R)
		Arthur, you must look sharp.  You can't find an heiress
		every day.
				Donegal
		Oh bother your heiress.  I hate money.
				Lady H.
		Hate money?  What blasphemy.
				Donegal
		Well, that is.  I hate anything I know so little about!  Ah!
			(Xes L)
		But I love Angela for her own sweet little self.
				Angela
		And we're not going to give each other up, are we?
				Donegal
		I should say not.
				Abercoed
			(Coming down C)
		Oh, your father will give his consent when he sees how fond
		you are of each other.  Everybody should marry for love.
		Don't you think so, Lady Holyrood.
				Lady H.
			(R. startled)
		Yes - oh yes - if they can afford it.  For poor people love 
		is madness.
		
				Angela
			(Xes R.C. to Abercoed)
		Then you will tell papa that you won't marry me on any 
		account?
				Abercoed
		You may depend upon it.
			(To Donegal)
		I shan't be your rival.
			(Goes up C)
			(Donegal and Angela go up L.C. arm in arm)
				Lady H.
		Wait for me, Lord Abercoed.
			(To Donegal)
		Brother, come here a moment.
			(Donegal excuses himself and comes to Lady H)
		Now, I don't want my plans upset.  If you don't marry Angela,
		I don't know who you will get to keep race horses for you.
		I can't, you know.
				Donegal
		Keep horse races -- I can't afford to keep chickens.
			(Xes C to Angela - Lady H. goes up R.C. and takes 
			Abercoed's arm)
				Lady H.
		I say, Arthur, why not try white mice -- they are very inexpensive.
			(Exit R. with Abercoed into warehouse)
				Angela
		Well, you see you needn't be afraid.  The rival says he 
		would not have me for a gift.
				Donegal
			(L)
		He's a fool.  I think you are a very tempting investment.
		Although Frank is a lord, he's as poor as a church mouse.
				Angela
		Aren't all lords poor?
				Donegal
		Well, most of them are -- until they are married.
				Angela
		I only care for money as a means to an end.
		
				Donegal
			(Down C)
		Well, don't worry, you won't have any difficulty in finding 
		a man willing to be that end.
				Angela
		Yes, but the man I love doesn't seem to love me.
				Donegal
			(Takes her in his arms)
		You see there's one great obstacle in our marriage.
				Angela
		What is it?
				Donegal
		Why, your father.
				Angela
		But you're not going to marry my father?
				Donegal
		No, but I fear it would be a very unhappy marriage for both 
		of us.
				Angela
		What would you say if I told you I couldn't live without 
		you?
				Donegal
		I'd say you are the dearest, the sweetest little woman 
		in the world and as soon as we get back to England, we get 
		the whole thing over with in a hurry.
				Angela
		So we shall, in spite of papa.
				Donegal
		That's the way to talk.
				Angela
		I shan't wish to have you take pity on an old maid.  Youth 
		is the time for love.
				Donegal
		Well, the earliest time is the time for me -- and I'm in 
		a deuce of a hurry, I must confess.
				DUET - "GALLOPING"
				
		Love is a fiery steed.
			Galloping, galloping gaily,
		Needing no spur as he'll wildly speed, wildly speed,
			Over new pastures daily, daily, daily,
		Taking the bit his teeth between
			Faster and faster,
			Brooking no master,
		Over the ditches and hedges so green,
			Over the green,
			Over the green,
		Blind to the future, and threatened to disaster,
			Galloping, galloping, galloping, gaily.
				
				REFRAIN
				
		Woman's the driver and love's the steed
		That carried the burdens daily, oh.
		So keep him in training then life indeed,
		Goes galloping, galloping, gaily, Oh.
		
				Ah.
		
		So keep him in training the life indeed,
			Goes galloping, galloping, galloping on.
				Goes galloping gaily on.
				Ah! Ah!
				Galloping, galloping. Oh.
				Gaily, gaily, gaily.
		
					2
		Love, when he cometh in middle age,
			Different horses altogether
		Willing to trot with his equipage, equipage,
			Learning the length of his tether, tether.
		Jog-trot's the pace, though it is the truth,
			Fraught with less danger,
			Thoughts of the manger,
		Shorten the wind for the flights of youth,
			Flights of youth,
			Flights of youth,
		Never is likely to bolt with a stranger
			Galloping, galloping, gaily, gaily.
				REFRAIN
		Woman's the -- driver and love's the steed, etc.
			(Dance and exeunt L.1. E)
			(After song, enter from R. 2. E. GILFAIN and TWEEDLEPUNCH
			carrying head on stand)
		
				Gilfain	
		It is a fortunate thing for you sir, that your knowledge 
		of phrenology can be of use to me or you would have been 
		thrown off the island, sir - Mr. Tweedle.
				Tweedle
		Punch - Tweedlepunch - my photograph.
			(Handing card to Gilfain)
				Gilfain
		That's the fourth photograph you've given me.  Do you 
		take me for an album.
			(Throws down picture)
				Tweedle
		Oh I say - don't throw them about like that.
			(Picking up picture)
		They cost me a cent and a half a piece.
				Gilfain
		Do you mean to tell me that by the bumps on the head you 
		can tell which person should marry.
				Tweedle
			(Xing R)
		I do - unless its subject has been married before, in 
		which case some of the bumps may not be natural.
			(GILFAIN Xes L. gets stool comes C)
		Now it is my theory, that for every woman is born a 
		man is born to match her.
			(Xing C. with stool, sits)
				Gilfain 
		I know a lot of women who are looking for that man.
				Tweedle
		My science saves them the trouble.  Now, for instance, if 
		the count Dr. Castellane has consulted me, I would have 
		married him to Betty Green.
				Gilfain
		What a combination!  If you can do all you say, you are
		quite a remarkable man.
				Tweedle
			(Handle photograph to Gilfain)
		My dear sir, I should say so --
		
			(Gilfain refuses picture with anger)
		Excuse me my mistake.
				Gilfain
		Now I have a daughter - and I want her to marry if you 
		could find her affinity.
			(Doubtful)
		I'd give the world if I could trust you.
				Tweedle
		Give me half the world and I'll give you gilt edged security.
				Gilfain
		If this scheme of yours is any good I can let you in on a 
		good thing.
				Tweedle
		Good for you or good for me.
				Gilfain
		Good for you, if you succeed.   Now being an American, I
		naturally want my daughter to marry an English Lord.
				Tweedle
		Quite so.  But where to find a lord in this island, the Lord
		only knows, eh?
				Gilfain
		Ah, but there is a Lord?  My head clerk, Abercoed, is really 
		Lord Abercoed.
				Tweedlepunch
		No?
				Gilfain
		Yes, he doesn't know that I know it.  Now if science could 
		arrange that my daughter Angela should marry Lord Abercoed,
		I would be very grateful to science.
				Tweedle
		And mark your gratitude in a substantial manner.
				Gilfain
		Of course.  I'm a man of business.  And science might be 
		induced to do something else.
				Tweedle
		Science is always open to reason - if there's enough of it.
		Science is golden.
		
				Gilfain
		I'll give you a chance to make yours 18 K.
			(Confidentially)
		Now I have a favorite among my farm girls--
			(Tweedle bursts out laughing)
		Are you laughing or crying?  What is the matter with this 
		jackass.
				Tweedle
		Oh you flirt--
				Gilfain
		First, what do you mean, sir -- she's nothing particular.
				Tweedle
			(Giggling)
		Oh of course not.  This is no place for the son of a 
		clergyman.
				Gilfain
		And of course a man in my position couldn't marry her of his 
		own accord.
				Tweedle
		Of course not.  But, if nature had selected her for you,
		you would yield.
				Gilfain
		I suppose the terms will be the same in my case as in my 
		daughter's.
				Tweedle
		Tell me - you see in your case science will have to work 
		over time.  100 for coupling the two couples.
				Gilfain
		100 nothing.  I'll give you $10 a head.
				Tweedle
		Oh no, ten dollars a bump.
				Gilfain
		I'll give you fifty dollars a head - take it or leave it?
				Tweedle
		Well then I'll take it.  But can you make the young people 
		believe in me?  Very few do --
				Gilfain
		They'll do anything I order them - I'm master here.
			(Broad)
				Tweedle
			(Aside)
		Then every girl on the island will pass through my hands
		and I shall surely find the little Quisara.
				Gilfain
		Well then is it a go?
				Tweedle
			(Shaking hands)
		It is - the saddest thing in life is forming friendships.
		We meet today and part tomorrow.
				Gilfain
		I hope so.
				Tweedle
		I beg pardon -- 
				Gilfain
		You heard what I said.
				Tweedle
		My mistake, but I should like to cement our friendship 
		before parting, by some little token if you will permit me
		let me see.
			(Fumbling in pocket)
		What have I?
			(Brings out knife)
		Oh, my pocket knife - now I have carried that knife for 
		ten years - will you accept it?
				Gilfain
		Certainly not.  I wouldn't deprive you of it for the world.
				Tweedle
		Ah, I see, superstitious.
			(Coughing)
				Gilfain
		Well yes, I am - a little.
				Tweedle
		Then we won't make it a present.  Just give me something 
		in exchange.  Anything will do.
				Gilfain
		I haven't any change.
			(Hand in pocket bring out bills)
		Nothing smaller than a $2.00 bill.
				Tweedle
			(Taking it quickly)
		That will do - two dollars will break the hoodoo.
			(Xing R. turning upstage)
				Gilfain
		Well I'll be d-----
			(Xing L)
			(Enter LADY HOLYROOD R.U.E)
				Tweedlepunch
			(R. sniffs)
		What a lovely odor.
				Gilfain
			(L)
		Oh yes -- Florodora.
				Gilfain
		Ah Lady Holyrood, permit me - Prof Tweedlepunch, the 
		phrenologist.
				Tweedlepunch
			(Advancing to her)
		Charmed, I'm sure.  My dear Madame, will you permit me.
		My photograph.
			(Hand her photograph, After handing photograph he 
			comes R.C. to stool, slowly)
			(Puts hat pin in his hat)
				Gilfain
		We were discussing the science of marriage.
				Lady Holyrood
			(C)
		Marriage isn't a science it's an art.
				Gilfain
			(L.C)
		Prof. Tweedlepunch has a system of marriage that makes 
		everybody happy!
				Tweedlepunch
			(R.C)
		Everybody but me, I have never married.
			(Sighs)
				Lady Holyrood
		Disappointed in love?
				Tweedle
			(Picks up stool and head)
		I should say so.  I advertised for a girl with a million
		dollars and didn't get a single reply.
				Lady Holyrood
			(To Tweedle)
		Does your system of marriage apply to second marriage, 
		Mr. Tweedlepunch?
				Tweedle
		To any number.
			(Xes R. takes stool and head and puts them in R. 
			corner)
				Lady Holyrood
		What a pity you didn't live in Bluebeard's time.
			(Tweedle. and Gilfain giggle)
		Are you thinking of marrying again?
				Gilfain
		Are you, Lady Holyrood?
				Tweedle
			(R. C., aside)
		She's got her eye on the millionaire.
				Lady Holyrood
		But I must find the right one this time.  What's the good 
		of being a widow if you don't profit by your experience.
			(Hands Gilfain the photo.  He throws it away in disgust)
		TRIO -- "I WANT TO MARRY A MAN, I DO"
				Lady Holyrood
		I want to marry a man, I do, I do.
				Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
				Lady Holyrood
		I want to tell you my plan, I do, I do.
				Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
				Lady Holyrood
		I want to marry a man, I do, I do.
				Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
				Lady Holyrood
			There's no use in looking about each day,
		For husbands will either be dull or gay,
		I've got to get one whose built my way
		If I want to get one that will do, will do
				I do.
			Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
				REFRAIN
		You've got to get hold of the right one,
			and all will be right as can be,
		The task isn't really a light one,
			And it can't be performed for a fee.
		You don't want a stay-out-all night one,
			Or one who indulges in afternoon tea,
		If you only get hold of the right one,
			It's as easy as A.B.C.
				Gilfain
		As A, B, C.
				All
		It's as easy as A, B, C.
				Lady Holyrood
		A husband I want to adore, I do, I do.
				Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
				Lady Holyrood
		I won't have a husband who wears a low hat,
		Or goes out to dinner in somebody's flat.
				Gilfain
		Or one who's addicted to sleep on the mat.
				Lady Holyrood
		Oh I think I should know what to do, to do, to do.
				Gilfain
		She does,
				Tweedle
		She do.
		
				REFRAIN
		You've got to get hold of the right one, etc.
			(Dance and exeunt TWEEDLEPUNCH R. 2 E and LADY HOLYROOD
			L. 1 leaving GILFAIN on stage C)
				Gilfain
		If this Prof. Tweedlepunch can do all he claims he can he's 
		a wonder.  I think I'll call all my people here, and let 
		him test his ability at once.
			(Enter LEANDRO R. 2 E)
		Call all my people here at once.
			(LEANDRO beckons people on R. and L) (CHORUS)
		Now then, Prof. Tweedlepunch, can arrange it so that I marry
		Dolores, I need no longer fear the exposure of the secret 
		of Florodora, and with my daughter Angela married to Lord 
		Abercoed I will be able to get into the best society in both 
		England and America.
			SONG AND CHORUS "PHRENOLOGY"
		
		There is nothing I disparage
		Like an ill-assorted marriage,
		You must choose your wife with phrenological care,
		For the resin beneath her bonnet,
		Has your future mapped upon it,
		So when you're engaged take down her hair.
				Chorus
		So when you're engaged take down her hair
						Gilfain
		Though she may declare it fidgets,
		As you fumble with your digits,
		You reveal a well developed bump of crime - 
		You may one day find her thickening
		Up your turtle soup with strychnine,
		Be advised and shake her while there's time.
				Chorus
		Be advised and shake her while there's time.
				Gilfain
		Then you no wedding need be dreading,
		Once phrenology defined,
			What is the virtue that will hurt you,
			And the vice you needn't mind,
			But science at defiance and to grief you're
					sure to come,
			If you're scorning every warning of the cra-ni-um.
					2.
		If her temper bumps unsightly don't miss the matter lightly
		If you do beware there's trouble in the air,
		For in manner most pathetic, she'll put gables on your attic
			With a rolling pin or else a chair.
				Chorus
		With a rolling pin or else a chair.
				Gilfain
		Should she reach your solar plexus, you will wish you were 
				in Texas
		Or in some place else that's always hot and dry,
		So before the new row commences, you should build up your 
				defences,
			If you're wise you'll prove an alibi,
			If you're wise you'll prove an alibi.
				Chorus
		For the marriage, I disparage is the usual blind affair,
		Just a scramble at a gamble with the prizes very rare,
		Ere the crisis my advice is - with your finger and your 
			thumb,
		Explore the mountain and the molehills on her cra-ni-um.
		
				Gilfain
		If her bumps of conversation, should arouse your consternation
		You had better not stay out too late at night,
		For she'll ask for explanation, causing many combinations,
		Leading to a fight till broad daylight.
		Into a fight till broad daylight yes he's right.
		You will learn that matrimony, is a matter for your money,
		For if such a girl you marry you will wish that you were dead.
		When she had procured an absolute divorce,
		For you'll find it isn't funny trying to pay alimony,
		That it's not a case of horse, and horse.
		That it's not a case of horse and horse.
				Chorus
		That is why you'd better tarry ere you do decide to wed,
		 For if such a girl you marry you will wish that you were dead.
		So science at defiance, and to grief you're sure to come,
		If you're scorning every warning of the cra-ni-um.
				Gilfain
			(L.C.)
		Ah here comes the Professor.  Science shall begin work at 
		once.
			(ENTER TWEEDLEPUNCH R.2.E- with paraphernalia.
			Crowd rushes toward him.  He goes to R. corner
			and gets head and stand)
				Tweedle
			(Alarmed)
		One at a time, please.  One at a time.  Heavens do you all
		want to get married?
			(6 chairs L. for English ladies place R.C)
				Girls
		Of course we do.
			(Men bring on platform and chair from R)
				Tweedle
		Of course they do, girls will be girls.  LAdies and gentlemen
		before dealing out universal happiness I wish to mention that 
		I am at the head of my profession.
			(Takes hat pin out of hat.  Hat off, closes hat and 
			puts it under chair at platform)
		I have felt the bumps of all the crowned heads of Europe, 
		all the fat heads of Asia, all the swelled heads of America
		not forgetting the black heads of Africa.
			(Plate and coin bus.)
		We will now proceed to business.
			(Enter ANGELA and DONEGAL L.U.E. comes down C)
				Gilfain
			(L. C)
		To show my confidence in the system I've inaugurated for 
		the happiness of others - I am prepared --
			(Steps on platform)
				Tweedle
			(To Gilfain)
		Be seated, sir.
				Gilfain
			(Turns -- seeing Angela)
		At least, my daughter is prepared to submit herself to 
		Mr. Tweedlepunch's scientific investigations.
			(X L.C)
				Angela
			(C)
		Why Papa - who is he?
				Gilfain
			(Turns)
		Oh he'll tell you all about himself.
				Tweedle
			(R.C)
		Allow me - my photograph.
			(Gives Angela his photograph)
		Taken with my little dog.  The one on the right is the dog.
		Miss Gilfain will you kindly place your head here.
			(Indicating chair in stand)
				Angela
			(To Donegal)
		Shall I, Arthur?
				Donegal
			(Shrugging his shoulders, Xes to R)
		Oh certainly do whatever papa wishes, like a good girl.
			(Angela hands hat to Tweedle - he puts hat on figure)
				Angela
			(Goes to chair and stops)
		Oh, no, I don't think I will.
		
				Gilfain
		Never fear, my dear.  Papa is here.
				Tweed
		No danger.
			(Angela goes to chair)
		Pray be seated.
			(She sits, head back, chin up - snaps collar--bus.)
		You will pardon my securing you to the chair - my investigations 
		have at times submitted me to personal violence.
			(Places hand on Angela's head - looks at it - pause, 
			very serious and almost crying)
		Mr. Gilfain I find on your daughter's head--
				Gilfain
		What.
				Tweedle
		Bumps.  Of truthfulness and simplicity - amiability -- good 
		nature and obedience strongly developed - bump of affection 
		sticks out like a water-melon!
			(Unfastens collar of chair, Angela gets down)
				Angela
		Good gracious.
			(Gets down to Donegal)
		He's pretty good judge of character.
			(Enter ABERCOED R.2.E comes to C, looks at head,
			until spoken to_
			(To Tweedle)
		I shall keep your photograph.
			(Tweedle. gives Angela her hat)
				Tweedle
		Thank you Miss.
			(Aside)
		Very few do.
			(Bus. coin and plate)
			 (To Gilfain)
		Nothing doing; nothing doing.  Mr. Gilfain I find that your 
		daughter is scientifically fitted to marry a man of good 
		business habits.
			(Gilfain calls Tweedle's attention to Abercoed - 
			whistling business aside)
		I'm on the chief clerk.
			(To Abercoed)
		Allow me, sir.  Would you kindly place your head here?
		Abercoed
			(C)
		Certainly not.  No science on earth could force me to 
		marry where I didn't love.
		
		Angela
			(R)
	
		Oh do try it, Mr. Abercoed it doesn't hurt a bit.
				Gilfain
			(L)
		Go on - get in the game - have a dash, have a dash.
				Tweedle
		I don't mind if I do.
			(Smacks his lips)
				Abercoed
			(R. foot on edge of platform)
		Oh very well.
			(Goes to Tweed)
		Your decision won't affect me.
			(Bus. sits in chair.  Tweedle feels head, raps it hard 
			twice.  Abercoed takes hat off head - one of the men 
			who stands R. of platform puts it on.  Hat has large 
			knob on top)
				Tweedle
			(Feels head)
		This is a remarkable head
			(Taps it)
		Listen to that sound.
			(Taps it again.  Abercoed takes hat and puts it on)
		This young man's head is so wonderfully developed.
			(Puts hand around edge of hat all way)
		Size enormous.
			(Hand on front)
		Frontal development above the average.
			(Hand on R. side)
		Bump of good business habits splendid.
			(Hand on knob top)
		Bump - of - of - of - Agra - Niagara - Niagaranenishness.
			(Looks at it)
		Oh ----
			(Laughs)
		You see sir, to what limit my science can go when this young 
		man's bumps can talk through his hat.
			(Abercoed gives hat back to man R. gets down. X L - 
			of Tweedle)
		Mr. Gilfain, allow me to present you with the son-in-law 
		science has selected for you.
		
				All
		Son-in-law.
				Tweedle
		They are made to take each other - like the ace and the king 
		of trumps.
			(He takes the hands of Abercoed and Angela and is 
			about to join them when they snatch them away, 
			angrily)
				Gilfain
			(L. of C)
		Wonderful.  I had hoped that Angela would do better 
		but I submit.
				Angela
			(X L. C.)
		You may submit - I won't.
				Donegal
			(Following her to C)
		Look here, Mr. Gilfain, I'm not going to stand this.  I want 
		to marry Angela and Abercoed doesn't.
				Abercoed
		No, I don't mean to, either, in spite of this meddling 
		trickster.
			(ABERCOED exits R. 2)
				Chorus
		Quite right!
			(DONEGAL and ANGELA X back of platform to R. - 
			Enter Dolores, L.U.E. smoking comes down C)
				Tweedle
			(Bus. coin and plate)
		Well, who is next.
				Dolores
			(Bus. C)
		What's going on?
				Gilfain
			(L. going C. to Dolores)
		We're all going to be married.
				Dolores
		By machinery.
		
				Gilfain
		Professor Tweedlepunch, this is Dolores--
			(Significantly)
		My favorite farm girl;
				Tweedle
			(Aside)
		I'm on.
			(Xes to Dolores)
		Will you allow me?  My photograph.
			(He offers Dolores the photograph - she knocks it 
			out of his hand, blows smoke in his face)
		I can't stand these, no tobacco cigarettes.
			(Dolores Xes L. and blows smoke in Gilfain's face,
			then kneels down and talks to Spanish girls)
		(Enter LADY HOLYROOD L.U.E comes down C)
			Lady Holyrood
		What's this?  A mass meeting?  What glorious institution 
		are they trying to destroy now, I wonder.
				Gilfain
			(L.C)
		We're about to try marriage by natural selection.
				Lady Holyrood
		Shall we all try it Mr. Gilfain.
				Gilfain
		Don't you think that I'm too old to marry.
				Lady Holyrood
		A man is never too old to marry - if he's very rich.
				Gilfain
		Do you think so Lady Holyrood, then I'll try it for your 
		sake.
			(Xes R.C. to platform)
		Mr. Tweedlepunch, may I--
				Tweedle
			(To Gilfain)
		Would you kindly place your head there.
			(Gilfain goes to machine followed by Lady Holyrood
			 L.C)
			 	Angela
			 (R. to Donegal)
		I hope he gets an extravagant woman with a nasty temper.
		
			(Xes L. to platform)
				Tweedle
		Mr. Gilfain, will you be seated?
			(Bus. of lifting him up by coat and dropping him
			back into seat)
			(Gilfain protesting, head back, chin up - snaps 
			collar around his neck as with others)
			Gilfain
		Oh, has he pinched my diamond?
			(Bus:  hand up to tie Tweedlepunch pulls it down - 
			repeated three times.  Tweedlepunch finally puts 
			his knee on Gilfain's hand, which is on Gilfain's knee)
				Tweedlepunch
		You have a fine head, sir.
			(Slaps head)
		A big head -
			(Slaps head)
		I may say a fat head.
			(Feels Gilfain's bumps)
		Oh, What's this?  What have we here --
			(L)
		- and here -- 
			(R)
		and here?
			(Bus)
		tut, tut, remarkable.
		
				Angela & Lady Holyrood
		What is it?
			(DOLORES Xes behind platform R)
				Tweedle
		Ah you don't know.  He doesn't know.
			(To Lady Holyrood)
		I don't know.  Bumps, bumps of robbery largely developed - 
		bumps of false pretences enormous - habitual criminality
		like a cannon ball.
			(Go back to Gil)
			(Bus. Tweedlepunch pulls handkerchief out of Gilfain's 
			pocket)
			
				Gilfain
		Well, you'll not carry that out.
			(Bus. grabs handkerchief from Tweedle)
				Tweedle
		My mistake.  To carry out my system to perfection, you 
		should marry a girl of sound common sense, strength of 
		purpose - courage and ambition.
				Gilfain
		Let me out of this.
			(Tweedle releases him)
		You made it very unpleasant for me, sir.
				Tweedle
		Oh, no, no I, bumps;
				Gilfain
		Thumps, I call it.
			(Gilfain Xes L.C.)
				Tweedle
		I will now proceed to find the girl.
			(Girls all jump up)
				Angela
		I pity the poor girl who gets Papa.
			(Bus. Tweedlepunch and Lady Holyrood)
				Lady Holyrood
			(Xes R.C. to Tweedlepunch, who is standing on platform)
		Mr. Tweedlepunch, will you please feel my bumps.
				Tweedle
		Will I?  Won't I?
			(Feels bumps, Gilfain whistles to him, pantomimes a 
			"I'm on")
		Pardon me dear Madame.  Quite impossible.
				Lady Holyrood
		I'm not impossible.
				Tweedle
		No, no.  You have no bumps.
				Lady Holyrood
		I have bumps.  You don't know your business.
		
				Tweedle
		Hugh.  Don't give it away.
			(Down C)
		Lady Holyrood up C. then around to R. corner)
			(Approaches Dolores and taps her on the shoulder twice)
		The favorite farm girl?
				Dolores
		What is the trouble, sir?
				Tweedle
		I have no trouble.  Permit me -
			(He leads her forward and she reluctantly sits
			in chair)
		May I take a little bit off the top.
				Dolores
		What do you mean, off the top?
				Tweedle
		You know.
			(Bus. kiss)
				Dolores
		How dare you, sir?
			(Throws Tweedle. off L.C)
				Gilfain
		Cut that out.  Go on with the business.  Do you know what 
		you are doing sir?
				Tweedle
		Yes - taking a little bit off the top.  But it's so refreshing.
		Be seated.  Common sense as big as a turkey's egg.  Courage - 
		you could hange a hat on it.
				Dolores
		That's not a bump.  That's my ear.  And besides you are 
		mussing my hair.
				Tweedle
		Strength of purpose
			(To Gilfain)
		Mr. Gilfain, nature has graciously designed your favorite 
		farm girl for your wife.
			(Passes her - X to L.C. she goes up C)
				All
		His wife?
			(Angela Xes C. tearing up picture of Tweedle and 
			throws it in his face, then Xes to Gilfain - 
			Tweedle - C Xes and sits in chair of platform)
				Lady Holyrood
			(R. aside)
		Not if I can help it.
				Gilfain
		Good, if I marry Dolores, my secret is safe forever.  It's 
		all right.
				Angela
		It's not all right, pap.  I won't have Dolores for my mother.
				Gilfain
			(Passing her over to L)
		You attend to your own business my dear.
			(Turns to Dolores who is C)
		Come my darling kiss your husband.
			(Enter ABERCOED R - 2 E Xes to C)
		(GILFAIN tries to kiss Dolores - bus. all get up)
				Dolores
		No, no, I won't.
			(Runs upstage and meets Abercoed)
				Abercoed
		What's this?  What's the matter?
			(Bus - takes Dolores in his arms, and passes her over 
			to R, she still clings to him, during the next speech)
				Dolores
			(R.C)
		Mr. Gilfain wants to marry me and kiss me.  Don't let him.
				Abercoed
			(C - soothingly)
		Don't be afraid.  Mr. Gilfain I protest against this.  Give 
		up this sham science and let us marry where our hearts 
		direct.
		
				All
		Quite right.
				Gilfain
		Don't you dare to disobey me, sir.  I'm not going to be 
		dictated to by a mere clerk.  Do as I order you.  Marry 
		my daughter Angela.
				Abercoed 
		I will not.
				Dolores
			(Xes down R. C)
		That's something like a man.
				Gilfain
		Then I dismiss you from my service.  Leave this Island 
		at once.
				Abercoed
		As you wish.  But I'll be no party to the schemes of this 
		mountebank, Mr. Gilfain, I leave your service at once.
			(Exit L.U.E.)
				All
		Quite right.
				Dolores
			(Xes to Gilfain L.C)
		I'll never marry you.
				Gilfain
		You won't.
				Dolores
		No, never, no never, never.
			(Exits L.U.E)
		Angela and Donegal go to Gilfain.
				Gilfain
		I call this base ingratitude.
				Angela
		Oh papa.
				Gilfain
		Don't speak to me for another century.
			(Exit L.U.E)
			
				Lady Holyrood
			(R)
		Well, Mr. Tweedlepunch, a pretty mess you've made of it.
				Tweedle
			(Sits in chair on platform)
		I don't seem to have given entire satisfaction.
				Lady Holyrood
		I should think not; now come here you silly old gentleman.
				Tweedle
		Pardon me, I should like to cement our friendship.  If you 
		will allow me -- let me see, what have I?
			(Looks in pocket)
		Ah, my pocket knife.  I have carried that knife for ten 
		years.  Will you adopt it.
				Lady Holyrood
		My dear sir, I don't want your knife.
				Tweedle
		Ah, I see superstitious.
				Lady 
		Well, I will admit that I am.
				Tweedle
		Well then, we won't make it a present.  Give me some little 
		thing in exchange.  Anything will do.  It don't matter 
		about the amount.
				Lady Holyrood
		My, but you are a nuisance.
			(Gets coin out of purse)
		Well there's a penny.
			(Tweedle nearly falls in a faint)
		(Lady Holyrood catches him by the coat)
		Now listen to me.  I have my check book with me.
				Lady Holyrood
		Now I am going to give you $500.
			(Bus)
		If you arrange that, Mr. Gilfain chooses another wife.
				Tweedle
		Science is a mere baby in the hands of a banker.
			(Goes to platform and stands - there)
				
				Lady Holyrood
			(L.C. aside to Angela)
		Yes and we'll attend to Tweedlepunch
			(Girls and men crowd around Tweedlepunch, saying 
			"Me next" - - "I WANT TO GET MARRIED" - etc.)
				Tweedle
		Please, steady.  You shall all be married if you'll only 
		wait.
			(Tweedle - back the chorus off L.U.E.)
		Donegal has worked up C - stops his exit up L)
		    ( After the exit of the Chorus, LADY HOLYROOD and 
		     ANGELA pull TWEEDLE back, in doing so they rip
		     his coat up the back)
		Oh I'm undone.
			(Going up C and turns)
			(After Tweedlepunch speaks his lines, Lady Holyrood
			R. and Angela L rush to him and catch hold of an 
			end of his necktie, which is made of elastic.  At 
			the end of this line, they pull it out and let it go 
			suddenly, it snaps against his neck.  Is of being 
			hurt, etc.)
				Lady Holyrood
			(R)
		But why did you interfere with us?
				Angela 
			(L)
		Why should I marry a man I don't love?
				Tweedle
			(C)
		You don't know - 
			(Indicating Lady Holyrood)
		She doesn't know, I don't know - bumps.
			(Runs around Lady L. and exits L.I.E. followed by 
			Angela and Lady Holyrood and Donegal)
				Donegal
		If I catch him, I'll give him a bump that he'll never 
		forget.
			(Exit)
			(Enter L.U.E., ABERCOED and DOLORES)
				Dolores
			(L.C)
		And are you really going?
		
				Abercoed
			(R. C)
		Yes, dear, I must.  After what Mr. Gilfain said - 
		how can I remain?
				Dolores
		I'll return soon and claim you.  Can't you trust me?
		Yes, but I could trust you just as well if I went with 
		you.
				Abercoed
		Never fear, dear, I won't be long parted from you - and
		whenever I am, you will always be in my thoughts, waiting 
		for me under the shadows of the beautiful palms.
			(Seats her R)
			(SINGS)
				"THE SHADE OF THE PALM."
		There is a garden fair, set in an eastern sea,
		There is a maid keeping trust with me,
		In the shade of the palm,
		With a lover's delight,
		Where 'tis ever the golden day, or silvery night,
		How can I leave her in this dream of sweet Arcadia,
		How can I part with her for lands away?
		In this land of Eden fairest of the sea
		Oh my beloved bid me stay, in this fair land of Eden,
		Bid me, beloved, to stay - oh my Dolores
		
				REFRAIN
		Oh my Dolores queen of the Eastern sea,
			Fair one of Eden, look to the West for me,
			My star will be shining, love,
		When you're in the moonlight calm,
		So be waiting for me by the Eastern sea,
		In the shade of the sheltering palm.
			(At the end of the first refrain, Dolores rises, 
			Xes to C, very slowly, turns at opening of second
			verse)
				2.
				
		There is an island fair, girt by the Western Sea,
		Dearest, 'tis there one day thou'lt go with me,
		'Neath the glorious moon hand in hand we'll roam,
		Hear the nightingale song of June, in young dear land of home.
		There dearest heart will the past but seem an idle vision,
		Nought but a dream that fadeth fast away,
		And the songs we were singing in, in Elysian vales,
		Seem but a carol of yesterday, happy songs we were singing,
			Songs of a by-gone day.
			(At the finish of song, ABERCOED takes her in his 
			arms and picture - until Orchestra finishes.  Then 
			exit ABERCOED L.2.E - Dolores follows him almost 
			to entrance, slowly)
				Tweedle
			(Enters L.U.E. - xing to ")
		They all seem very angry.
			(Sits R. corner - lights gradually change to a 
			salmon.  Dolores goes to Tweedle - angrily)
			
				Dolores
		Now what have you got to say for yourself.
				Tweedle
		I'm not saying a word.
				Dolores
			(Shakes him - tears his coat)
		Oh maybe they've done with you, but I'm not.
			(after Dolores tears Tweedlepunch's coat into two
			pieces, he buttons it up in front and then changes it 
			from back to front vice versa, bus. to finish before 
			end of speech)
		Is that all right in the back?
			(Business Dolores:  stamps foot)
				Tweedle
		Don't be angry.
				Del.
		I'm not angry.  Don't you dare say I'm angry.
				Tweedle
		I didn't say you were angry.  I say, don't be angry.  You 
		are all right you'll soon be married.
				Del.
		I know it.  But I'm going to marry Mr. Abercoed, not Mr. 
		Gilfain.  Do you understand that?
				Tweedle
		Marry the discharged clerk, when you can get the master?
		Nonsense, besides that'll hurt Mr. Gilfain's feelings.
				Dolores
		Wel I -- I --
				Tweedle
		Have you known him a long time?
				Dolores
		Ever since I was a baby.  I was born on this Island.
				Tweedle
		What a chubby little thing you must have been.
			(Bus. with necktie after coat business, he begins to 
			tie necktie, after trying it he pulls the ends 
			and it snaps as before)
		Well then can you tell me --
				Delores
		It belonged to my father.  He went abroad and died - and 
		then Mr. Gilfain took care of me.
				Tweedle
		Your father.  What was his name?
				Dolores
		Fernando Quisara.
				Tweedle
		Quisara?
			(Tweedle takes off his hat, quickly - hat pin 
			in right hand an left)
		And Gilfain took possession of the Island of Florodora,
		and of you.  I have found her.  I have found her.
			(Xing L)
			(Enter ABERCOED L. 2. E)
				Dolores
		You silly old man I have been here all the while.
				Tweedle
		But I didn't know you were Dolores Quisara.  He did, that's 
		why he wanted to marry you.
			(Drops down R.)
		Gilfain is a --
				Dolores
		What?
				Tweedle
		He's a reptile.  You will never marry him.  You can marry 
		Mr. Abercoed or me, or any other blackguard you like, but 
		Gilfain, never.  He's a worm - an ordinary cabbage worm
		and I'll crush.
			(He holds his foot up)
		That's my crushes - 
			(With indignation)
			(Bus. hat pin - puts hat on head, jabs pin in hat -
			sticks himself, exclamation of pain)
		He's a cobra di Capello.
				Gilfain
			(Off stage, calls)
		Leandro.
		
				Tweedle
		There he is.  Now you just watch me.
			(Goes upstage to meet Gilfain)
			(Abercoed and Dolores Xes to L.)
			(Enter GILFAIN and other principals L.U.E - 
			Tweedlepunch brings Gilfain down C angrily)
		Mr. Gilfain you know me.
				Gilfain
			(Shakes hands with him)
		Know you - you are my best best friend.
				Tweedle
		Now isn't that aggravating?
			(Goes R.)
				Gilfain
			(C. to Abercoed)
		You still here?  I told you to be off.
				Abercoed
		I don't need to be told again, sir.  I'm going.
				Dolores
			(X 1 X)
		I'll go too.  I'll go with him.
			(Arms around Abercoed)
				Gilfain
			(Catches her by the hand and Xes her to R.C.)
		No you don't; you stay here.  You're mind.
				Tweedle
			(R.)
		And mine.
			(Exits slowly L U E)
				FINALE
				Girls
			Hey, hey, lackaday
				Our loving hearts asunder, he has riven
			With tears, tears we cannot stay
				We see our boys to others given.
				
		
				Tenors and Basses
			Of scientific fraud.
			The worst of all phrenology
			The maids we hold in hate are given us to wed.
				While girls that we've adored,
				Without the least apology,
			Are now assigned to mate with men,
			Who've other girls instead.
		(Boat comes on C - Abercoed comes down from R U E)
				DUST - Abercoed and Dolores
			This is not sorrow
			This is not parting,
		This is the hour when two hearts unite
			Seas may divide us,
			Years keep in longing
		This is the dawn that knows no night,
			Time will not sever
			We vow for ever
		This bond we will never betray.
				Abercoed
			Farewell, my own,
			You are the dearest at parting
			To thee ever alone, dear love.
			I will vow I will ever be true.
				Dolores
		Farewell, though seas may divide us,
		Farewell, though fate may divide us,
			Farewell, farewell.
			I love you forever and ever.
			Where'er I roam, where I roam
				Abercoed and Donegal
			Stay we implore you
				Chorus
			See, hand in hand they kneel,
			They may, you may repent, hear --
			(Abercoed exits L to R in boat)
				
					All
			(Kneeling to Gilfain)
				Hand in hand we kneel imploring
					Of your harshness you'll repent
				Do not part two hearts adoring,
					By withholding your consent,
				We kneel, We kneel
					We implore you - 
				We pray you repent,
					We pray you, do you part us
				By withholding your consent, your consent.
					Of scientific fraud
				The worst of all phrenology
					The men we hold in hate
				Are given us to wed.
					While men that we've adored,
					Without the least apology,
				Are now assigned to other girls instead.
					Gilfain
				Though your lover has departed,
				Be no longer brokenhearted,
					For you now are free,
					To love and marry me.
			(LADY HOLYROOD enters L. I. E and drops down R.C.)
				He will not return to claim you.
				You're deserted, none shall blame you - 
					If you marry me.
					Yes, marry me.
						Lady H.
					Why marry in this hurry.
					Surely you've no need to worry,
					There are good fish waiting, waiting
							in the sea.
						For a millionaire colonial,
					In such matters matrimonial,
						You might do worse than wait for me,
					Do worse than wait for me.
						Chorus
					(To Dolores)
						Be no longer broken hearted,
						For he now has set you free,
						You're deserted, none can blame you,
						If his bride you mean to be.
						
					(To Gilfain)
					But despite your worst endeavor
					She'll be true to him forever,
					She'll be true to him forever,
						Or her love returns.
					(Gil. walks from R to L)
						Chorus
					We will refuse you
					We will defy you,
					Though our resistance appears to you in vain
					We mean revolting,
					We won't obey you,
					We will deny you
					We won't be matched again
						Dolores
					Ah come my defender, come now and protect me,
					Till no one proclaim that no hand will divide,
					That no hand will divide.
					
					
						Abercoed (Off stage)
					Oh my Dolores, Queen of the Eastern sea,
					Fair one Eden, look to the west for me,
					My star will be shining love,
					When you're in the moonlight calm,
					So be waiting for me by the Eastern sea,
					In the shade of the sheltering palm.
					
				(Enter TWEEDLE L U E)
						Chorus
					'Tis the star of love, (etc.)
					
					
				
				
					
						FLORODORA
						ACT II
		SCENE 1:  		A courtyard
						Exterior of Abercoed Castle, a fine
						old castle in Wales L.
						
						Over the Castle entrance is the 
						word "Florodora".
						A pretty garden lawn tent, with 
						flag flying.  Florodora, just off 
						stage R.I.E.)
		DISCOVERED:		Peasants in Welsh costume.
		CHORUS OF PEASANTS
				Rising from the loaded table,
				Where we feasted till unable
					To devour another sip or crumb,
				Thanks to ancient port and sherry,
				Most elated - gay and merry
					So much so, if truth be said
					We would best go home to bed.
					
					GIRLS
				No, no, no, no, no.
				
					Tenor Sole
				No despite our over-feeding,
				In defiance of good breeding,
				Let us wind up the proceeding,
					In the only way we know,
				Hearken to a wise suggestion,
				For there's not the slightest question,
				You can much assist digestion.
					We must show 
					With the light fantastic tie 
					So you show the toe
				
					REFRAIN AND DANCE
					Six girls and Six Boys:
					
				Dainty ankles tripping lightly,
					Neath an unsuspected frill,
				Tiny waist encircled tightly,
					Causing manly heart a thrill,
				Merrily we romp and rollick,
				
					Pirouette and gaily prance
				With unmitigated frolic,
				In a manner quite bucolic,
					We'll embrace the welcome chance,
					Now to revel in the dance.
				
				(At the end of dance, chorus breaks up into groups,
				R. and L.)
				
				(Enter VALLEDA followed by LEANDRO C. she is now 
				Lady Holyrood, and dressed accordingly, She goes 
				to door L. and says to footmen inside)
				
						Valleda
					(R.C.)
				Will you tell Lady Holyrood that she's wanted at once?
						Leandro
					(C. insinuating)
				And ain't I wanted, too?
						Valleda
					(Xing him to L.C.)
				Not by me anyhow.  I didn't come to England to mix up with 
				a foreigner.
						Leandro
					(Aside)
				She puts on as many airs as if she was the missus.
				
					(Goes up R.)
					(Enter Lady Holyrood, L.U.E. from castle)
						Lady Holyrood
					(Coming down C)
				Well, Valleda, what is it?
						Valleda
					(R.C.)
				Your ladyship's brother, Capt. Donegal, has arrived.
						Lady Holyrood
				Tell him to see me here.
					(Valleda goes up C. to steps)
				I've made Mr. Gilfain see that for the sake of propriety
				I must have my family with me.
					(Enter Donegal, C. comes down)
			
					Donegal
			Ah there you are, sis!
				(Embraces her)
					Lady H.
			Valleda, tell Miss Angela that Capt. Donegal is here.
				(exit Valleda into castle)
					Donegal
				(R.)
			You are a wonderful woman, sis, I never thought you could 
			give me an invitation here.
					Lady H.
			I insisted upon it, I told Mr. Gilfain that my reputation 
			would suffer if I remained here without my family.  Hither 
			you must come or I must go.
					Donegal
			Quite right.  Oh, I say, sis, I'm just dying for a drink.
					Lady H.
			Right over there.
				(Points to tent R)
			Refreshment tent.
					Donegal
			Splendid.  Oh, by the way, have you arranged anything?
			Are you going to marry Gilfain?
					Lady H.
			No, not yet.
					Donegal
			Not yet.  Well, you are in a very peculiar position here,
			aren't you.
					Lady H.
			Not at all.  I am society help and have charge of the 
			entire establishment.
					Donegal
			Ah, I see -- a sort of lady housekeeper, with seven nights 
			a week out, and ---
				(Rest of speech interrupted)
					Lady H.
			Don't be ridiculous, Arthur, every new millionaire requires
			a title to look after his social advancement.  Even a 
			millionaire is nothing but a baby in the hands of a woman
			with tact.
			
				(Donegal exits into tent R)
					SOLO:
							"TACT:"
							
							Lady Holyrood						
							
					There are people who have tried
					To be smart and dignified
					But there's just one little thing that they have lacked,
					They have cash enough maybe,
					And no end of pedigree,
					But they never have a penny's worth of tact,
					You wouldn't tell a lie 
					Oh no, you'd rather die,
					For you'd surely be discovered before long,
					But if only tact you've got,
					You can do an awful lot,
					Which before you might have thought was very wrong.
					
							REFRAIN:
							
							
					Tact, tact,
					Take it for a fact,
					Just try it; you will find it will invariably act,
					Perhaps they told you in your youth,
					That there's nothing like the truth,
					But it really can't compare at all with tact, tact, tact.
					No, it really can't compare at all with tact.
					
							2nd.
					
					
					In the morning you must drive.
					Into Bond Street, and you dive,
					Into all the stores as busy as a bee,
					At a jewellers shop you stop,
					And you pop inside the shop,
					Ah, good morning, something nice to show me,
					A tiara, ah what fun.
					I think I'll take that one,
					But dear, me, I do believe my brougham has gone,
						Never speak about the price,
						Just talk pretty and look nice,
					And ask him how his wife is getting on.
					
					
						REFRAIN:
							
							
					Tact, tact,
					Take it for a fact,
				Always kiss a tradesman's baby and you'll find that it'll act,
					When at last enough you owe
					Into bankruptcy you go
					
				You can save a lot of money if you've tact, tact, tact.
					Yes, you can save a lot of money if you've tact.
					
					
					
							3rd.
							
					Then at the Goodwood you must stay,
					And roulette of course you play,
				For the evenings otherwise would be slow.
					But you needn't be upset,
					When you find yourself in debt,
				If you're not inclined to pay you simply owe,
					Well, next day you're on the course.
			
				So a friend will put the money on for you,
					For a lady in the ring,
					Wouldn't be the proper thing,
				And besides you've lost your purse -- you always do.
				
							Refrain
					
						Tact, tact,
						Take it for a fact,
					The race is run, you cannot see the horse that you have backed
						Then you say, what have you done?
						I meant to back the one that won,
					Oh you can do a lot of betting if you've tact, tact, tact,
						You can do a lot of betting if you've tact.
						
						4th.
						The academy you view,
						Or you've nothing else to do
					Or you're really fond of art of course you don't,
						Then a pianist you know,
						And a promise you will go,
					To his concerts --if you're musical you won't.
						Then a gorgeous gown you buy
						The price is cut too high,
					Considering that the gown is cut so low,
						For the lady of today,
						Doesn't have a heart they say,
					But she has a neck and that she means to show.
					
						REFRAIN
							
						Tact, tact,
						Take it for a fact,
					Her dinner dress has no support and yet it seems to act,
						And her costume at the ball,
						It's not material at all,
					It's enough if she had diamonds and tact, tact, tact,
						It's enough if she has diamond and tact.
					
						5th
							
					If you stage a moral play,
					And somehow it doesn't pay,
					Don't despair about the patronage you've lacked,
					Try to get the piece suppressed,
					Let the people do the rest,
					If they think it's bad, the house will soon be packed,
					But there's still a quicker way,
					To make a losing venture pay,
					Get a preacher to denounce the piece by name,
					Everyone must see the show,
					That has roused the pulpit so,
					Everyone must pay to do it just the same.
					
							Refrain
					Tact, tact,
					It never fails to act,
					Your treasurer'll be busy if your play has been attacked,
					Any clergyman who's wise,
					Knows it pays to advertise,
					And sometimes preachers do it for a fact, fact, fact,
					Sometimes preachers do it for a fact.
					
							6th 
							
					If your best young man is shy,
					And you really don't know why,
					Here's a plan you'll find works out of sight.
					Turn the gas down rather low,
					For gas hurts the eyes you know,
					And your eyesight might be ruined by the light,
					If he seems a bit perplexed,
					As to what he should do next,
					Gently nestle close against his manly breast,
					Say you're not afraid and swear,
					You would trust him anywhere.
					And a minister will have to do the rest.
					
							Refrain
							
							
					Tact, tact,
					For a matrimonial pact,
					Just turn the gas down lower, and see how it will act,
					Cupid I might hear remark,
					Always works best in the dark,
					You can help him quite a little if you've tact, tact, tact,
					You can help him quite a little if you've tact.
					
						(After Song, exit LADY HOLYROOD L.I.E. DONEGAL
						enters from tent R.  Enter VALLEDA and ANGELA
						from castle L)
						Valleda
						(L.C. to Donegal)
					Here's Nice Angela
							Angela
					Oh, Arthur, I'm so glad to see you again.
							Donegal
						(R.C.)
					And I'm precious glad to see you.  I was afraid your father 
					wouldn't let me in here.
							Angela
					He wouldn't but for Lady Holyrood insisting upon it.
							Donegal
					Well, I'm all right now, how does dear papa get on?
						(Re-enter LADY HOLYROOD L.I.E.)
							Angela
						(C)
					Worse and worse, since he bought this castle and came to 
					live in England, he's more ridiculous than ever.
							Lady H.
						(L.E.)
					A rich man is never ridiculous in England, or anywhere else.
							Angela
					But pap overdoes it.
						(Lady H. goes up C)
					He goes about as if he were Barnum's circus, and his 
					carriages are all red and gold like Lord Mayor's.
							Lady Holyrood
						(R.)
					Um, It looks like a patent medicine wagon.
							Angela
					He call Leandro the captain of his body guard.  And those 
					who used to be his clerks he now calls his secretaries.
							Donegal
					Ah, that reminds me, has anything been heard of his late
					clerk, Abercoed?
					Angela
							(L)
					No--nothing, since he left the Island, he seems to have disappeared
					altogether.
							Donegal
					And that pretty spanish girl?
						(Turning to Lady H.)
					What was her name?
						
							Lady H.
					I beg your pardon!
						(Goes up C)
							Angela
					Dolores?  She vanished with professor Tweedlepunch right after 
					Abercoed left.  They haven't been heard from either.
							Donegal
						(C. goes to Angela)
					Well, never mind them, how about our little bit of business?
					Are we to be married, with dear papa's consent, or do we 
					take French leave?
							Angela
						(L)
					I don't care which, but pap- still believes Professor 
					Tweedlepunch's science.  He says nature cannot make mistakes.
						(During this speech, Lady Holyrood having gone up C.
						gets back to her position R.)
							Lady H.
						(R)
					Nature not make mistakes?  Absurd!  Think of the original 
					color of my hair!
							Donegal
					Don't say that, somebody may believe you.
							Angela
					He insists that even if I don't marry Lord Abercoed I must 
					marry a nobleman.  He says the present harmony in the Anglo
					Saxon race is because of the marriage of American Heiresses 
					and English Peers.
							Lady H.
					Nonsense!  That's where he's wrong again.  England and 
					America owe their present friendship to the success of the 
					Belle of New York.  We'll leave Arthur to interview the new 
					millionaire.
						(EXIT with ANGELA into castle R)
							Donegal
					Not I!  I can't stand these millionaires with their new money 
					and their old castles.  I'm off with you.(Exits into castle)
							Leandro(On platform C)
					Mr. Gilfain the millionare!
						(MUSIC>  Enter from C. SERVANTS in livery headed by 
						LEANDRO, they form lines, the chorus crowd round 
						GILFAIN C. in English clothes, frock coat, patent-
						leather boots, silk hat, etc., following him are the 
						CLERKS similarly dressed and all carrying despatch boxes)
						
							SOLO...GILFAIN
						"WHEN YOU'RE A MILLIONAIRE"
				When you're a millionaire, endeavor,
					To pose as one of such
				Throw your money in the air -- you'll never,
					Be told you throw too much,
				Take a castle of gorgeous splendor,
					For your daughters and your abode,
				Let a dozen footmen attend her,
					When she crosses the crowded road,
				Let your noble guests be bloated.
					With peas that cost a guinea each
				And in case it shouldn't be noted,
					Mention the price in every speech,
				Every hobby you must take up,
					Whether it's diamonds or a Yacht,
				And professional beauties make up,
					Even although you'd rather not.
							REFRAIN 
							
				Just the nation will declare you are, 
					When they see what a millionaire you are,
						A blessing and a boon,
						To the country which soon,
				Will grant you a peerage and there you are,
				The nation will declare you are,
				When they see what a millionaire you are,
						A blessing and a boon,
				To the country which will soon.
				By the way of requital,
				Will grant you a title,
						And there you are.

				(Chorus repeats refrain)
				2nd
				
				You must run an evening journal,
					Either of pink or yellow tint,
				In which your doing di-urnal,
					And will appear in largest print,
				Such as "We learned he bagged the keeper,
					When in the woods he shot today,
				But he finds his game comes cheaper,
					Bought in the ordinary way,
				Keep many a training stable,
					Although your horses never win,
				Join the very best club you're able,
					Members go out when you come in,
				Lease a theatre if entangles,
					You would get behind the scenes,
				Your bangles causing wrangles,
					Among the various footlight queens.
					(Chorus repeats refrain)
					3rd
				When you're a millionaire, remember the earth belongs to
				If you're rich you needn't care the world will endorse
					Whatever you do,
				You must go to dear old London and engage a palace there,
				Then just make yourself a social clown and your name,
					will ring through the land
				To show that you're not proud to go in and snub a prince's 
															friend,
				And to square yourself, just show that you've got money 
					to burn and lend,
				You give an evening party, and invite all the swells you 
															know,
				But you mustn't feel disappointed if to Devonshire House,
					they go.
						Refrain
				(Chorus repeats)
				(Exit Chorus R. and L. SPANISH GIRLS L.I.E. The 
				CLERKS remain on stage in groups, one stands R. by 
				tent, talking to typewriter)
						Gilfain 
				Before the festivities we must attend to business.  Here 
				goes.  Secretary for the Home Department.
					(PYM steps forward)
				Is our popularity increasing with our tenants.
						Pym
				Not as I should like, sir.  There are some agitators,
				among them who object to being entertained every day and are 
				finding fault with you.
						Gilfain
				Dear, dear.  I give them salmon, game, caviar, pate de fois
				gras champagne.  What do they want?  I provide them with 
				conjurors, the biograph, and a band from Blue Hungary, and 
				still they aren't satisfied.  It's very disappointing.
				
						Pym
				I can't make it out.
						Gilfain
				They will do, go inside and see if you can make it out.
					(Exit Pym L.2.)
				Where's my typewriter?
						Miss Belmont
					(Talking to Leandro at tent)
				Here, sir.
						Gilfain
				Come here.  A tip flirting with that married man.
						Miss Belmont
				I'm not flirting and he's not a married man.
						Gilfain
				Have you written my letters?
					
						Miss Belmont
				As many as I could.  It takes a long time to correct the 
				mistakes in your grammar.
						Gilfain
				I won't have them corrected.  Leave them all in.  I want 
				to be taken for an English nobleman.
					
						Miss Belmont
				I'll do my way or not at all.  I am an experienced
				stenographer, and I won't let anyone dictate to me.
					(She exits R.U.E.)
						Gilfain
				Phew, what a temper!
					(Speaking after her)
				You don't mind my being here, do you?
					(Aepfelbaum exits into cast)
					(Aside)
				While Dolores is roaming all over the world, with that schemer,
				Tweedlepunch, my secret is not safe for one moment.  And I'm 
				like the English dailies - I never get the earliest news of 
				anything.  Follow me Leandro - sneak - 
					(Exits R. followed by Leandro)
					(Enter CLERKS L.2., ENGLISH LADIES, R.2.)
					
					MUSICAL NUMBER "TELL ME PRETTY MAIDEN"
Men
				Tell me, pretty maiden
				Are there any more at home like you?
Girls
				There are a few, kind sir,
				But simple girls, and proper too.
Men
				Then tell me pretty maiden,
				What these simple girlies do?
				Then tell me pretty maiden what the girlies do.
Girls
				Kind sir, their manners are perfection,
				And the opposite of mine.
Men
				Then take a little walk with me,
				And then I can see,
				What a most particular girl should be.
Girls
				I may love you too well, to let you go,
				And flirt with those at home, you know.
Men
				Well, don't mind little girl.
				You'll see I'll only want but you.
Girls
				It's not quite fair to them,
				If you told them that you were true.
Men
				I don't care a pine for your sisters if you love me-
Girls
				What would you say if I said I liked you well?
Men
				I'd vow to you on bended knee.
Girls
				On bended knee,
				If I loved you, would you tell me what I ought to do,
				To keep you all mine, alone, to always be true to me?
				If I loved you, would it be a silly thing to do?
				for I must love someone.
Men
				Then why not me?
Girls
				Yes, I must love someone really
				And it might as well be you
						2nd
Girls
				Tell me gentle stranger
				Are there any more at home like you.
Men
				There are few, sweet maid,
				And better boys you never knew.
Girls
				Then tell me gentle sir,
				The things these very rankish fellows do,
				Then tell me, tell me
				What these fellows do.
Men
				Dear maid, they flirt with girls too freely,
				And it's not the same girl twice.
Girls
				Then let me round and let me show,
				For an hour or so,
				How far such fellows can really go.
Men
				I never introduce a girl, I intend.
				To be my most particular friend.
Girls
				I won't mind what they do
				No man would ever flirt with me.
Men
				It's not worth risking it - 
				I know with them you won't agree
Girls
				I don't want to know them
				If you will do the flirting.
Men
				Of course I will try, for we're doing very well.
Girls
				And vow to me - 
Men
				On bended knee --
				Girls		 
				On bended knee.
				If I loved you,
				Would you tell me what I ought to do?
				To keep you all mine alone,
				To always be true to me,
				If I loved you,
				Would it be a silly thing to do,
				For I must love someone.
Men
				Then why not me
Girls
				Yes, I must love someone, really
				And it might as well be you.
					(EXEUNT)
					(Enter ANGELA and DONEGAL C. from castle)
						Donegal
				And so all this grandeur doesn't suit you.
						Angela 
				No, I don't care for it.
						Donegal
				Don't worry about it, you won't have it when you marry me.
						Angela
				I shan't mind being poor, I should think it delightful
				for a change.
						Donegal
				But you forget, when you are poor you have no change.
				You need it all for car fare.
						Angela
				No elaborate toilettes for dinner.
					(Xing L.)
						Donegal
				No.  Quite necessary.
				
						Angela
				You are young and strong.  I don't believe we'll need 
				to keep a servant.  I can get the breakfast.
						Donegal
				Oh no.
					(Aside)
				I know those breakfasts
					(Aloud)
				No I'll get the breakfasts
						Angela
				No, I'll get the breakfast!  Dear you can build the fire.
						Donegal
				No I couldn't think of imposing upon your generosity to
				that extent.  No I'll get the breakfast and you shall 
				build the fire.  What do you say?
						Angela
				But why have a fire at all?
						Donegal
				Yes, why - well when the fire is out.  Why have any 
				breakfast?  We are young and strong, we don't need any 
				breakfast.
						Angela
				How about the dinner?
						Donegal
				Oh we'll be invited out to dinner.
						Angela 
				And those delightful Bohemian suppers.
						Donegal
				Yes, everything in cans.
						Angela
				Who will answer the door bell?
						Donegal
				Oh, you don't need anyone to answer the door bells, when 
				you live in flats.  The doors open mysteriously of 
				themselves.
						Angela
				Oh Flats.  Heavenly!  When we want anything, there'll be 
				something to touch.
						
						Donegal
				Touch.  Oh I see, you mean your father, don't you?
						Angela
				No, I don't.  Now then, go and tell your sister all 
				about it.
						Donegal
				All right.  I'll obey you now, but just wait till we 
				are married.
					(Exits into castle)
						Angela
					(Xing C.)
				I do hope he won't be gone long, if he is, I can call him 
				back again.  No girl ever goes through her school days 
				without learning that trick.
				SONG ANGELA - "WILLIE WAS A GAY BOY"
				(Exit into castle)
				(After song - enter ABERCOED C. disguised as an 
				old Welsh harper with a gray beard, commotion and 
				shouts, outside "There he goes", "you've got him"
				etc., etc. Abercoed runs on followed by LEANDRO who 
				catches him.  He is out of breath and struggles)
						Leandro
				The Governor said no strangers here.  This fellow is up to 
				some game.
					(To Aber)
				Honest men, don't need to disguise themselves.
					(He tears off Abercoed's disguise)
					(Enter DONEGAL R.2. and ANGELA L.1.E.)
						Donegal
				Why, what's the matter?
						Leandro
				A burglar.  Or a highwayman.
						Abercoed
					(Breaks away - men go up C)
				No it's neither.  It's only an honest friend who wants to 
				have a look at his old home.
						Donegal
					(Surprised)
				Abercoed!
					(Shakes hands - goes up to men)
					
						Angela
				Lord Abercoed.  Oh I'm delighted to see you.
					(Donegal comes down R.  To Chorus men up C)
				You've made a mistake here - you'll get into serious 
				trouble when papa hears of this. 
						Leandro
				I'd better make myself scarce.
					(Exeunt Leandro up steps hack.  Angela comes 
					down L.C.)
						Abercoed
					(C)
				Don't blame them.  They didn't know me a gray beard.
				You must forget my abrupt visit, Miss Gilfain, but I wanted 
				to get a last look at the old castle, and as I didn't care 
				to be known, I put these things on.
					(Enter LADY M. from Castle L.)
						Lady M.
					(Shaking hands)
				Oh Lord Abercoed, I have just heard.  I'm so sorry, the 
				tenant didn't expect to find any of the British aristocracy 
				at home just now.
						Abercoed
				You see, when I got back to England I found there was 
				nothing left but my title.
						Lady H.
				Well that's worth something if you take it to Cincinnati.
						Abercoed
				I don't intend to.
					(Looking around)
				I'm going back to the Island of Florodora.
						Donegal
				What for?
						Abercoed
				I have been utterly miserable about Dolores.
						Lady H.
				It's curious -- but I never met a man who isn't miserable
				about some woman or other.
					(Enter VALLEDA C. Angela, Abercoed and Donegal
					retire up stage to seat L.)
					
						Valleda
					(Comes down R)
				My lady, my lady.
						Lady H.
					(C)
				What is it?
						Valleda
				I couldn't help it, my lady.  We can't get rid of those 
				people who come to the Kitchen door.
						Lady H.
				Who are they?  What are they like?
						Valleda 
				The man is a very queer looking person.  He wanted to 
				give me his photograph.
						Lady H.
					(Xing L.)
				His photograph.  Did he want to give you a knife 
				as well?
						Valleda
				Yes, my lady.
						Lady H.
					(Aside)
				Tweedlepunch.
					(Aloud)
				Is there a lady, also?
						Valleda
				There is a female, my lady.
						Lady H.
				Well, it's the same thing in these days of generates.
				I'll see them, Valleda.  SHow them to my apartments at 
				once and don't tell anyone they're here.  And be ready to 
				bring them here when I tell you.
						Valleda
				Yes my lady.
					(Exits R. C.)
						
				Lady H.
					(Aside)Tweedlepunch might help my plans.  But I'm sorry he 
				brought Dolores.  She might upset them.  Ah, no, there's 
				no fear of her marrying Gilfain, while this is on the 
				premises.
					(Turns up stage)
					
					
				Donegal
					(To Abercoed)
				I say old chap, you'll stay to luncheon, won't you?
						Abercoed
				Thank you.
						Donegal
				Oh, don't mention it.  It shouldn't cost me anything you 
				know.
					(Exit Angela and Donegal into castle)
					(Abercoed resumes disguise and exit R.U.E.
					Enter Gilfain from tent R. Gilfain speaks 
					into tent)
						Gilfain
				Now you waiters, what do you mean by putting mayonnaise 
				dressing on the ice-cream.
					(Enter Lady H.)
						Lady H.
				I quite forgot to tell you I have a surprise for you.
						Gilfain
					(L.)
				Ah, indeed what is it?
						Lady H.
				I have engaged two most celebrated artists, from Paris,
				who simply went wild over them.
						Gilfain
				Eh?  Ah beautiful Paris - gay Paree - where morning begins 
				at noon and night never begins.  The city of angels 
				without wings, where you can live a year in a minute,
				and forget where you live while you're doing it.
						Lady H.
				You know Paris, of course.
						Gilfain
				Know it, who doesn't know it.
					(Aside)
				Never was there in my life.
					(Aloud)
				Bring them in.  Bring them in.
						Lady H.
					(C)
				THIS is the first time they have ever appeared in private.
				
						Gilfain
					(Turning to chorus)
				You hear that, my friends, there is nothing too good for 
				us, no matter, what it costs.
					(To Lady H.)
				What do they do?
						Lady H.
					(Aside)
				Oh dear, I don't know.
					(Aloud)
				Do?  Why they can do everything.  Do everything but they 
				don't speak English.
						Gilfain
				Um - I'll speak French.
					(Aside)
				Don't know a word of it - but no matter.
						Lady H.
				Admit our distinguished entertainers.
					(Aside)
				I'm not afraid of Dolores, but I hope Tweedlepunch doesn't
				give it away.
					(Music, enter TWEEDLEPUNCH and DOLORES C.)
						Tweedle
				We're in at last.
						Dolores
					(R.)
				Hush, remember you are French.
						Lady H.
					(Comes between them to Dolores)
				You look after him, Dolores.  See that he doesn't make
				any bad breaks.
						Dolores
					(To Lady H.)
				I feel so funny without my skirts.  It's so draughty.
						Lady H.
					(C)
				Oh brace up - be a man.
						Dolores
				I can't.
						Tweedle
				Do you think he'll know me?
						Lady H.
				Not if you'll keep your mouth shut.
				
						Tweedle
				I've a good mind to expose the fraud right here before 
				his own people.
						Lady H.
				That man'd spoil our plans.
						Tweedle
				Do I look all right?  I feel like a cow.
						Lady M.
				Well, you look like an undertaker.
					(Xing L. to Gilfain)
				I'm sure you will find them very entertaining.
					(Exit Lady H. into Castle)
						Dolores
					(R. to Tweedle. C.)
				Now keep quiet, don't say anything.  If you must speak say 
				oui, oui.
					(Xes L to Gilfain)
				Lord Gilfain, oh Lord not yet, not quite yet.  Will you commence
				begin -- go on.  You there - in the stove pipe, what can you do?
						Tweedle
					(Xes to L. to Gilfain)
				Me?
						Gilfain
				Oui.
						Tweedle
					(Interrupting)
				We?  Us? Oh, oui, oui, oui.
						Gilfain
				Marvelous.  He understands my French perfectly.  What's 
				your name?
						Tweedle
				Tweedle - - 
						Gilfain
				Tweedle --?
						Dolores
					(Pulls Tweedle, Xes to R. C.)
				Dee -- dee -- Tweedle dee de ou - 
						Tweedle 
				Tweedle de - oui- oui.
						Gilfain
				Oh I see.  Well, what can you do?
				
						Dolores
					(C. Advancing)
				My lord, we have sing before all ze crowned heads of Europe.
				The Queen of Sibera she patronize us - when we sing ze king 
				of France he throw up --
						Gilfain 
					(L)
				What.  The sponge.
						Tweedle
				Oui.  Oui.
						Dolores
					(C.)
				Ne ze big bouquet, no.
					(Indicating wine)
						Gilfain
				You don't tell me.  Well if you are good enough for the King 
				of France you are good enough for us.
					(To Dolores)
				Go ahead.  Do whatever you can.
						Tweedle
				Can? Can.
						Gilfain
				Yes - can - can.
					(Dance can can -- all laugh)
						Tweedle
				Can?  Can?
					(Xing C to Gilfain)
				You stupid old man.
						Gilfain
				What's that?
						Tweedle
				Oh, oui, oui.  Je ne sais pas.  He doesn't say pas N'est?
				Oui - oui - comme ce - 5 francs 50 - swindle - la, la.
						Dolores
				Il ne comprend pas de tout - de tout - de tout.
						Tweedle
				What are you doing, swearing at him.
						Gilfain
					(To Clerks L.)
				Oh I see, he wants some tutti fruitti.  Oh yes, Taisy - 
				vous - yes - yah.   Je comprend.  Tout senit, tout senit,
				I don't know what I am talking about.  Oh I don't understand 
				a word of this.
						Tweedle
				You have no bump of language.
					(Dolores catches tweedle by R arm and swings him 
					 X to R.C.)
					 	Gilfain
					 (L. startled)
				Bump?  Ye Gods.  that sounds like Tweedlepunch.
						Tweedle
				Boemp.  Boemp.  n'est oui, oui.
						Gilfain
				Oh, boemp.  I see - well, what can you do?
						Tweedle
				Jug.
					(Bus.)
				I'll bet two dollars it is a jag.  What is it?
						Dolores
				He make ze rabbit and ze fried egg to come out of ze hat.
						Gilfain
				Ah.  I see he's a juggler, one of those fellows who turns 
				water into wine and wine into himself.  I don't want any 
				juggling.  Give us something else.  What else can you do?
						Dolores
				Alone we sing - 
						Gilfain
				That's right sing us a song.
					(Goes up L.C. and sits)
					(Tweedlepunch takes bet on and starts song - imitation 
					of leading orchestra)
					
						DUET -- DOLORES AND TWEEDLEPUNCH
							"WHEN WE'RE ON THE STAGE"
							
						We both on the stage, we two,
						There's nothing that we can't do.
						We're remarkably fine in a Gaiety line
						But we revel in Shakespeare too,
						My Juliet's great, I know,
						As I presently mean to show,
						While my friend on the right,
						Tho he's rather a sight
						Will portray Romeo.
								
								Refrain 
						
						Sing a song of sweet flirtation, for our 
							style is versatile.
						Everything we do is sure to be the rage.
							Mendelssohn or Coon plantation,
							Any sort of imitation,
							We'll show what we can do,
							When we're on the stage.
						
							2
									
						In Opera we excel 
						Whether Faust or William Tell
							For I look so sweet 
							When I play Maguerite
						And he plays the devil quite well.
							Covent garden is crowned, of course,
							And encores they invariably force,
						We return every year,
						And we always appear,
							If we're ever so hoarse.
								
								Chorus
									3
									
						If you should think that's all.
						Just go to St. James Hall.
							You'll be taken by a storm
							When you hear me perform
						And you won't mind buying your stall.
							Madame Patti's outclassed I'm afraid.
							Sarasate's quite put in the shade.
						When I Sing people cry,
						And some of them die,
							When the violin's played.
						(During this verse FOOTMEN bring down and place 
						prop piano up C.)
							Chorus
						We are awfully good as a coon,
						With a sugary sort of a tune,
							And we don't care one jot,
							If the words are all rot,
						If they just take a turn on the moon.
							A cake walk then we'll do,
							And we'll sing about Dinah or Sue,
							
							For we really don't know,
							What we're singing and so,
								We just leave it to you.
								
						(After song, Dolores and Tweedlepunch exit into 
						tent.  Footmen pick up scraps of paper and broken 
						Violin, etc.  Chorus men take stools off as they 
						exit)
						Gilfain
				He certainly is a funny man.
					(Taking C.)
						Lady H.
					(L.)
				Well how did the entertainment go off?
						Gilfain
				Charmant, magnifique....I'm getting along nicely with my 
				French don't you think.  You're a wonderful manager.
						Lady H.
				It's very easy to manage things if you have other peoples
				money to do it with.
					(Xes R.)
				You ought to take a fancy to a woman of high social position.
						Gilfain
				I have.  I have. 
						Lady H.
				A smart woman - who knows her way about.
						Gilfain
				That's it that's what I want.  That's what I'm looking for,
				a woman like you, you dainty little bit of Dresden majolica.
					(Bus. Xes L.C.)
					(He is about to put his arms around Lady Holyrood, she 
					stands, facing audience.  He behind her.  She gets his 
					hands inside her arms, which are slightly extended, her 
					hands resting on the sun shade.  As his hands come 
					forward, she sees this, and says he's mine.  Gilfain 
					draws his hand away.  No he isn't.)
						Lady H.
				How funny.  I really believe he means it.
					(Aside)
				At last, a second marriage. The triumph of hope over experience.
						Gilfain
				I must go and see if there's any news of Dolores.  I'm 
				wavering between love on one side and business on the other.
				
				I'm bound to marry Dolores.  Business, my dear, strictly 
				business.  I'll be back in a moment.
					(Exits L.U.E.)
						Lady H.
				I've an inkling that he won't like the news when he gets 
				it.
					(Exits)
							SONG FOR DOLORES
						"THE QUEEN OF THE PHILIPPINE ISLANDS"
						
					In the Philippines lived a maiden fair
					With her wondrous hair and her eyes so fair,
					That men were all inclined to swear,
						By this girl of the Philippine Island.
					Now stranger came on the days of old.
					To this land of sunset and of scent gold.
					And his story of love he demurely told,
						To this maid of the Philippine Island.
							Refrain
							
					Yes, he told her that she was his only love,
						Quite his only love,
						His one and only love.
					And he vowed he'd be true as he bade her adieu
						E'er he roamed o'er the sea far away.
							2
							
					Now this lover bold - once cupid's heart dart.
					Had pierced his heart, began to smart.
							Refrain
						(Exit Dolores.  After song.  Enter DONEGAL L. 2.
						XING to tent R. 2)
							Donegal
					Well, my love affair seems to be going very slowly.  I must 
					try to hurry this up.
						(Crash in tent -- Enter SERVANT from tent)
							Leandro
					It's that musician chap.  He's in a dreadful state.
							Donegal
					Why?  What's wrong with him?
							Leandro
					Why he's drunk all the wine on the table and then swept 
					everything off.
					
							Donegel
					Oh, intoxicated, well get rid of him, put him in the coal 
					cellar.
						(Tweedle screams and whoops things up in tent,
						enters Xes to C.)
							Tweedle
					Whoop - whoop.
							Donegal
						(Catching him - both stop C.)
					Here stop this row.
						(Look at him)
					Well, upon my word.  Tweedlepunch - why, where did you 
					get it?
							Tweedle
					Mr. Donegal.  Mr. Captain Donegal.  Arthur.  You love 
					Angela, don't blame you.  Angela by name and Angela by 
					nature.  We'll all be angels later on -- higher up - my 
					preliminary interview with Angela -- 
							Donegal
					Miss Gilfain, if you please.
							Tweedle
					Arthur, you are right - always right.  Angela is -- 
							Donegal
						(R)
					Miss Gilfain.
							Tweedle
					Don't interrupt.  While in the Philippines, resting 
					under the shades of the sheltering palms, in the precinct 
					of the perfume of that rotten perfumery, Florodora -- 
							Donegal
					That will do.  What are you doing here.
							Tweedle
					Business.
							Donegal
					What?
							Tweedlepunch
					Business of a most particularly private and personal 
					nature.
							Donegal
					Oh indeed.
						(Looks him over)
					Why what have you got on?
							Tweedle
					Clothes.
							Donegal
					No - no - why - why- 
						(Bus. point at clothes)
							Tweedle
					Oh.  It was the only way we could get in - Society demands 
					it and I don't want to wear the damn things.  I'd 
					just as soon -- 
							Donegal
					What are you driving at.  I beg your pardon.
							Tweedle
					It was the only way we could get in - sislishily
							Donegal
					Now let us try that again.  Quietly.
							Tweedle
						(Slowly)
					It was the only way we could get in --
							Donegal
					Whoa.
							Tweedle
						(Surreptitiously)
							Donegal
						(Laughs, Xes to L. behind Tweedle)
					I see.
							Tweedle
						(Looking R. for Donegal)
					Arthur, Arthur.
							Donegal
					Here I am.
						(Tweedle turns L. backwards, looks at Donegal,
						smiles)
					Where is Dolores.
					
				Tweedle
		She's here.
				Donegal
		What?
				Tweedle
		She's here.  She's here to claim her rights.  Most women have
		wrongs but Dolores has rights.  Once upon a time, I had a 
		bosom friend.  In the happy land beyond the seas, where the 
		lotus blooms and the busy bee bask and bask in the busy 
		sunshine.
				(Donegal goes up and comes down R.C.)
		Arthur, Arhur.
				Donegal
		Here, here.
			(Same bus as before)
				Tweedle
		Her father - my friend - we were bound together by bonds -
		by ties - that fade not neither do they spin - he died and 
		left me an orphan.
				Donegal
		What?  He died and left you an orphan.
				Tweedle
		No, no, Dolores died - same thing.
				Donegal
		Dolores died.  Why you said she was here.
				Tweedle
		No, no, she's the orphan.
			(His collar is unbuttoned)
		Excuse me I have lost my collar stud.
				Donegal
		What?
				Tweedle
		I have lost my collar stud.
			(Bus.  looks R and L then slaps both legs to 
			see if it has fallen down inside - then pulls 
			skirt from outside of vest)
				Donegal 
		Here, stop that.  You forget where you are.
				Tweedle
		See it?  I haven't got eyes in my chin.
				Donegal
		The trouble with you, my friend, is that you are drunk.
				Tweedle
		Oh, Arthur - Artie
			(Smiles)
		Art.  No, not drunk, only excited.
			(Leans on Donegal's shoulder - Donegal moves away - 
			He falls.  Donegal picks him up.  He crosses his 
			legs and can't stand)
				Donegal
		Get on your feet.
				Tweedle
		Untwist me.
			(Donegal with his right foot puts Tweedle's left
			left off right and he stands up)
		Well - I pretty nearly fell.  
				Donegal
		I should say you did.
				Tweedle
		Arthur, I should like to cement our friendship with some 
		little token - 
			(Hand in pocket, takes out six knives, tried to put
			in Donegal's hand - they fall to ground.)
		I have carried that knife.
				Donegal
			(Picking up knives, laughing)
		I see you're stupid superstitious.  What are you doing 
		with these things.
				Tweedle
			(Puts knives in pocket)
		I see you're stupid superstitious.
				Donegal
		Now see here, I want you to understand that the ladies 
		must not see you while you are in this condition.
				Tweedle
		The ladies.
			(Xes L.)
			
				Donegal
		Brace you up, do you see that tent.
			(Points to tent R U E)
				Tweedle
		I see several.
				Donegal
		Well, go into the tent.
				Tweedle
		Which one.
				Donegal
		Go into all of them.  Come on, careful - step over that 
		stone.
			(Tweedle lifts foot high as if stepping over.  Xes 
			up R.C.)
		He is caught by Donegal and taken in front of tent.
				Tweedle
		William.  William.  Bring me a glass of water.
				Donegal
		What's that?
				Tweedle
		A glass of water.
				Donegal
		A glass of water.  YOu had better go and put your head 
		under the pump.
				Tweedle
		No, thank you.  I don't want any more bumps.
				Donegal
		Pump, Pump.
			(Servant brings small tray with glass from tent)
				Tweedle
		Ah, I hate to part with that old Virginia cheroot.
			(Bus. kisses the butt of cigar, then puts it 
			on tray)
			(Takes small vial out of pocket to put some of 
			contents into glass)
			
				Donegal
		Here, that won't do you any good.
				Tweedle
		Pardon me, I know my constitution.
				Donegal
		The trouble with you is that you know too much.
			(Tweedle takes glass in right hand and holds
			nose with left arm)
		I want you to understand that I know you are a fraud.
				Tweedle
		No, No.  Gilfain't fraud and I can prove it.  Leandro,
		Leandro.
			(Enter SERVANT from tent)
		Your arm - walk me up and down)
			(Bus. of taking arm and walking around the stage twice 
			extravagantly - step in front of tent.  Donegal 
			follows around saying "Steady, steady, etc.)
				Angela
			(Calling off)
		Arthur, Arthur.
			(Enter ANGELA L. 2)
		Dolores is here.  She's with papa, and they're flirting 
		madly.
			(Sees Tweedlepunch who is doing his walk)
		Why Arthur, what's the matter with Mr. Tweedlepunch.
				Donegal
		It's a bad case of sunstroke.
				Angela
		Sun stroke.
				Tweedle
		Miss Gilfain, how did you recognize me with my moustache?
				Angela
		Why you have only half a moustache.
		
				Tweedle
			(Bus. feels lips - looks on floor)
	 	I must have swallowed the other half.
	 			Donegal
	 	There is some mystery here.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Miss Gilfain, I am sorry to say that your father is an unsuperable, 
	 	a double usurper.
	 			Angela
	 	Oh, Mr. Tweedlepunch, you mustn't say that.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Yes, I must say it.  His money isn't his - Florodora isn't 
	 	his, everything belongs to another.
	 			Donegal and Angela
	 	To another?
	 			Tweedle
	 	Dolores is the rightful owner of all his wealth.
	 			Angela
	 	Dolores?
	 			Donegal
	 	Oh, I see - then that's why he paid you to say that Dolores 
	 	ought to marry him.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Of course.  Pardon me, but he didn't pay me.  He only promised.
	 		(Enter LADY H. and VALLEDA L. 2. Valleda is carrying 
	 		bard's disguise)
	 			Lady H.
	 		(L)
	 	Now Valleda, put the things on.  Then you may go.
	 		(Valleda exits L.2)
	 		(Lady H Xes to Donegal)
	 	Arthur, will you please go into the house and help keep 
	 	the ball rolling?
	 			Donegal
	 		(C)
	 	But I don't understand your little game.
	 			Tweedlepunch
	 	Now do as your little sister wants.
	 			
	 			Lady H.
	 	If you don't, I won't consent to your marriage.
	 			Angela
	 	Yes do, Arthur, or she won't consent to your mother and 
	 	my sister.
	 			Donegal
	 	My mother and your sister, and your father is going to be 
	 	my brother and -- well, I am getting this thing beautifully 
	 	mixed.  I think I'd better go and --
	 			Tweedle
	 		(Handing bottle)
	 	Take one drop of that and walk up and down.
	 		(Exit Donegal L. 2 E)
	 			Lady H.
	 	Now tell us all about it.
	 			Tweedle
	 	You see this thing?
	 		(Takes out wig)
	 	I had that on my head.
	 		(Put it on)
	 	I looked such a fool.  Then I played and smashed it -- and 
	 	in fact I smashed all the instruments.
	 		(Bus. holds head - pain from drunk, etc.)
	 			Lady H.
	 	What is the matter?
	 			Angela
	 	Sunstroke.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Oh yes, sunstroke -- the sun is very hot.
	 			Angela
	 	What are you going to do?
	 			Lady H
	 		(Xes to Tweedle)
	 	Mr. Tweedlepunch and I have a deeply laid plot for Mr. Gilfain's 
	 	punishment.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Quite so - he's going to marry a society widow -- that'll punish him.
	 			Lady H.
	 		(Aside to Tweedle)
	 	Fix that for me and I'm going to give you 5000 pounds.
	 			Tweedle
	 		(C. aside to Lady H)
	 	And I'm going to take it.
	 			Angela
	 	But what are you going to do with papa?
	 			Tweedle
	 	Ah, you don't know -- your father doesn't know -- I don't 
	 	know.
	 		(Indicating Lady H)
	 	She knows.
	 			Lady H.
	 	And Mr. Gilfain will know pretty soon.  Now come along, put 
	 	this on.
	 		(Hands him disguise)
	 			Tweedle
	 		(Puts on wig and hat - then beard bus.)
	 	What am I supposed to be?
	 			Lady H.
	 	A harper.
	 			Angela
	 	You play the harp.
	 			Tweedle
	 	I can't play the harp.  I'm not an angel yet.
	 			Angela
	 	Now you are eighty.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Pardon me -- forty-two.
	 			Lady H.
	 	You be eighty with these on.
	 			Tweedle
	 	Then I won't put them on.
	 		(Bus. coat - they try to get him by the coat tails,
	 		as in Act I)
	 	No, you don't -- once is enough for me, I'd better prepare 
	 	for the attack in private.
	 		(He gathers up props)
	 	
	 			Angela
	 	Papa will never be able to resist.
	 			All
	 	Such glorious conspirators as we shall be.  Revenge.  Revenge, 
	 	Revenge.
	 		(Music.  They exeunt L. 1 E. mysteriously)
	 		(LIGHTS GO OUT)
	 				DARK CHANGE OF SCENE
	 	
	 	
	 	SCENE II:		Interior of Abercoed's Castle,
	 					showing a fine baronial hall.
	 					Curtain discloses guests dancing 
	 					to the music of a barn dance.
	 					After dance enter DONEGAL C. while 
	 					chorus is humming refrain of 
	 					"MILITARY MAN"
	 					
	 			SOLO AND CHORUS - "I WANT TO BE A MILITARY MAN"
	 				Solo - Donegal
	 	Oh, the man that's dressed as usual is out of it today,
	 		For the regular dandy man, no single woman cares,
	 	She won't look upon your suit or you I've heard the world say 
	 		Till you've donned the garb that Tommy Atkins wears.
	 		
	 				Refrain - Chorus
	 				Donegal
	 	There came a cry to arms,
	 		The fresh coat lost its charms,
	 	And the topper came a cropper with a rat-a-plan,
	 		Oh, you lose a lot of chances,
	 		And you don't get asked to dances,
	 	If you're not dressed all in khaki like a military man.
	 				Chorus
	 		(At back)
	 	
	 	I want to join the milit-tary,
	 	I've got no chance with June, or Flo, or Mary,
	 	I want to hear the martial rat-a-plan,
	 	I want to be a military man,
	 	That is my plan - it is,
	 	I want to be a military man.
	 	
	 	
	 				2nd
	 				
	 	If you stroll down Piccadilly in the middle of the day,
	 		And a very smart gentleman in khaki comes along,
	 	You may think he's Lord Tomboddy, or Sir Algy, Poppinjay,
	 		But I think it's very likely you'll be wrong.
	 		
	 				Refrain - Donegal
	 			For you really must confess
	 			That in the latest martial dress,
	 		The classless and the masses look as like they can,
	 			While to gaze at him you tarry,
	 			So one says Hello there's Harry,
	 		Gone and dressed himself in Khaki like a military man.
	 		
	 		
	 				
	 				(Chorus as before)
	 				
	 		Now as this is from the stable, why I hope you'll keep it dark
	 			For the straightest of the tips I've had from Tattersal today
	 		And I learn that all the race courses right down to Kempton Park
		Will be laid with khaki turf without delay.	 	
	 			
	 			
	 				Refrain - Donegal
	 			And all the jockeys you will see,
	 			Will ride a khaki gee,
	 		And the starter will look smarter in the silver tan - 
	 			While the vague impression's growing,
	 			That all the swells are going,
	 		To the races dressed in khaki like the military man.
	 		
	 			(Chorus as before)
	 			(Donegal exits L. 1 e)
	 				Gilfain
	 		I have to make an announcement that I am sure will give you 
	 		infinite satisfaction.  I am about to be married.
	 				All
	 		We congratulate you.
	 				Gilfain
	 		My beautiful bride was born on the Island of Florodora -- 
	 		her name is Dolores -- and -- 
	 			(Enter Dolores)
	 		Here she is.  My friends, my bride, my bride, my friends.
	 			(Bus. of bowing)
	 				Dolores
	 		Mr. Gilfain thinks he has discovered by a scientific process
	 		that we are suited to each other.  After Mr. Gilfain is 
	 		married, he'll find out how much science has to do with it.
	 		If we marry, we shall be very happy among you all.  I am 
	 		sure.  That is if we --
	 				Gilfain
	 		Not so many ifs please.
	 				Dolores
	 		Well, we are not married yet.
	 				Leandro
	 		Supper is served.
	 			(Exeunt to a few bars of barn dance)
	 			
	 				Gilfain
	 		Come Dolores, you shall preside for the first time at your 
	 		own table.
	 			(Enter TWEEDLE L. 2, disguised as a harper, he 
	 			confronts and stops Gilfain)
	 				Tweedle
	 		Stop!  Not so fast!  Spare a minute for the bard.  DIM LIGHTS
	 			(Chorus drift off)
	 				Gilfain
	 			(Up C)
	 		But I don't want a bard.  I want my supper.  Besides, I don't 
	 		understand Welsh.
	 				Tweedle
	 		You'll soon hear it.
	 			(He turns the lights out)
	 				Gilfain
	 			(Comes down L.C)
	 		What do you mean by tinkering with my lights?  Well, if you 
	 		insist on it, bring me something soft.  Complimentary and 
	 		something.  But hurry up with it.
	 				Tweedle
	 			(Sits on low stool R.C)
	 		Nothing can ever soothe you again.
	 			(Twangs the harp)
	 		Robber!
	 				Gilfain
	 		What?  Who spoke?  Who said robber?
	 				Tweedle
	 		A voice from the past remarked robber.
	 			(Twang)
	 				Gilfain
	 		How dare a voice from the past remark anything of the sort?
	 				Tweedle
	 		You're standing in other people's shoes.  Usurper!
	 				Gilfain
	 		It isn't true -- the Abercoed's family squandered their 
	 		property.  Gambled it, threw it away -- I bought it.
	 		
	 				Tweedle
	 		With whose money?
	 				Gilfain
	 		With my own.  The money I made out of the secret of Florodora.
	 				Tweedle
	 		Whose secret swindler?
	 			(Twang)
	 				Gilfain
	 		Mine.  I registered the trade mark.  I'm not going to be 
	 		bullied by voices of the past.
	 				Tweedle
	 		You'll have to submit.  You'll have to submit, you lobster --
	 		thief, unless you restore to them their own.
	 				Gilfain
	 		What I have I mean to keep
	 				Tweedle
	 		That's what the blood red Abercoed said.  But he altered his 
	 		tune.
	 				Gilfain
	 		I wish you'd change yours.  Who was blood-red Abercoed?
	 				Tweedle
	 		A robber in the middle ages.  The first of the Abercoeds --
	 			(Twang)
	 		He stole the money from a friendless girl whose guardian he 
	 		was.
	 				Gilfain
	 		Well, what has that to do with you?  I don't like fairy stories.
	 				Tweedle
	 		The friendless girl tells her own stories.  First of all she 
	 		sickened.
	 			(Twang)
	 		Then she died.
	 			(Twang)
	 				Gilfain
	 		I'm glad of it -- there's an end of her.
	 				Tweedle
	 		Oh, no, she rose up and haunted him with this legend.
	 			(Rises and comes nearer)
	 			
	 				Gilfain
	 		I don't like legends.  Cut it out.
	 				Tweedle
	 		Of mortal ere within this castle be,
	 		A man cursed of crime or treachery,
	 		A maid devoid of virtue or of truth,
	 		One who has tricked a maiden in her youth.
	 			(Twang)
	 		O'er him shall float the form of Ethelwynda -- 
	 			(Aside)
	 		That's a good name.
	 			(Aloud)
	 		To haunt his footsteps and his progress hinder -- cursed 
	 		by the cursed curse of Ethelwynda.
	 			(Twang)
	 				Gilfain
	 			(Terrified)
	 		No, not that.  Mercy.  Mercy!  I'll confess all.
	 			(Enter LADY HOLYROOD L. 2)
	 				Tweedle
	 		Did not the island of Florodora and the secret of Florodora 
	 		belong to my friend Quisara?
	 			(Xing R. to turn on lights)LIGHTS UP
	 				Gilfain
	 			(C)
	 		They did!  They did!
	 			(Lights up)
	 			(When lights are turned up, enter all the PRINCIPALS
	 			and the CHORUS R. and L. taking positions for finale.
	 			ABERCOED and DOLORES from C - ANGELA and DONEGAL from 
	 			L. 2)
	 				Lady H.
	 		When he died, they belonged to his daughter Dolores.
	 				Gilfain
	 		They did.  But I'll restore everything -- Ethelwynda has 
	 		been too much for me.  I'm a simple man of business but 
	 		I can't do business with spirits.
	 				Angela
	 			(Down L.C)
	 		But there are no spirits here, papa.
	 		
	 				Gilfain
	 			(C - looks around gingerly)
	 		Yes, there is -- there's one -- take that fellow away.  I 
	 		can't stand the bard.
	 				Tweedle
	 			(R. removes disguise)
	 		My photograph.
	 				Gilfain
	 		Tweedlepunch.
	 				Tweedle
	 		Oui!  Oui!
	 			(Pulls off disguise)
	 				Lady H.
	 			(Comes forward laughing)
	 		Me, me!
	 				Gilgain
	 		And Lady Holyrood too, you little rogue -- wait until we are 
	 		married.  Well, I'll restore everything.
	 				Dolores
	 			(C)
	 		I don't want everything.  Give me the castle.
	 				Abercoed
	 		And I have a little present for the bard.
	 			(She crosses to Tweedle and gives him check)
	 				Angela
	 			(Indicating Dolores and Abercoed)
	 		Well, may I marry Arthur?
	 				Gilfain
	 			(L)
	 		Yes.  We'll all be married.
	 			(Tweedle Xes. L. to Gil C)
	 		Pardon me, your photograph.
	 			(Hands Tweedle his photo)
	 				Tweedle
	 			(Taking out knife)
	 		I would like to cement our friendship.
	 				Gilfain
	 			(Holds up knife from Act 1)
	 		I'll match you for it.
	 			(Xes R.C. to Lady Holyrood for finale)
	 		
	 				Abercoed
	 			(R.C)
	 		But we mustn't forget Mr. Tweedlepunch.
	 				Dolores
	 			(C)
	 		No, he's been our best friend, henceforth, he shall be our sole 
	 		representative.
	 			(Tweedle pleased L.C)
	 		Abroad.
	 				Tweedle
	 			(Disappointed)
	 		Oh!
	 				Dolores
	 		And oversee the island of Florodora.
	 		
	 				FINALE
	 			(CHORUS OF THE MILITARY MAN)
	 		I want to join the military - tary,
	 		I've got no chance with Jane, or Flo or Mary.
	 		I want to hear the martial rat-a-plan,
	 		I want to be a military man.
	 		That is my plan - it is - 
	 		I want to be a Military Man.
	 		
	 		
	 		
	 				CURTAIN