BABES IN TOYLAND

A Musical Comedy in three acts.

---------

Book & Lyrics by Glen MacDonough

Music by Victor Herbert

Produced 13 Oct. 1903, at the Majestic Theatre in New York, but this is a later version [undated].

CAST

UNCLE BARNABY, A rich miser.

ALAN, His nephew.

JANE, His niece.

THE WIDOW PIPER, A lonely widow with fourteen children.

TOM TOM, Her eldest son.

CONTRARY MARY, Her eldest daughter.

HILDA, A maid of all work for the Piper family.

THE GIANT SPIDER

THE MASTER TOY MAKER

GRUMIO, His assistant.

INSPECTOR MARMADUKE, Of the Toyland Police.

Two ruffians

RODERIGO

GONZORGO

Piper's Children

JILL

BOY BLUE

BO PEEP

MISS MUFFETT

SIMPLE SIMON

CURLY LOCKS

BOBBY SHAFTON

SALLIE WATERS

RED RIDING HOOD, and etc.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT I

Scene I: Country fete in Contrary Mary's garden.

" 2: A Garden Wall.

" 3: A Spider's Forest.

ACT II

Scene I: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.

" 2: A Street in Toyland.

" 3: The Master Toymaker's Workshop.

ACT III

The Courtyard of the Toyland Palace of Justice.

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ACT I

SCENE I: The scene shows the garden of Contrary Mary near the Widow Piper's home. A cask of ale and decorations and pennats and bunting suggest a fete. A party of peasants as the scene is revealed.

No. 1. -- Country Dance and entrance of the Chorus.

UNCLE BARNABY enters at the end of the dance, smirking and bowing right and left. The peasants snub him.

Barnaby

Enjoy yourselves, enjoy yourselves, my dear friends. I am delighted to see you so happy. Are the Piper children here - and especially Contrary Mary?

Jill

No, Master Barnaby, Mary didn't come to the Fete.

Barnaby

That's strange, I'm giving it to please her -- and to make you all a little fonder of me.

Jill

Why, are you our host?

Barnaby

Yes.

Jill

(To the crowd)

Only yesterday he seized poor old Mother Hubbard's house and turned her into the road, all for a debt of a few shillings!

(Crowd jeer at Barnaby)

1st Girl

(To the crowd)

Let's finish the afternoon by putting Barnaby under the town pump!

All

Hurrah!

(Start to take Barnaby away. TOM TOM ENTERS UP R.)

Jill

Hi! Tom Tom, just in time!

Tom

(Coming down C.)

What for?

Barnaby

(Rushing to Tom)

To save me from the town pump! Stop 'em, my boy, stop 'em, don't let 'em hurt your future brother-in-law!

Tom

(At C. laughing)

What you? Which of my sisters had caught your miserly eye?

Barnaby

(Ecstatically)

It's Mary --willful, but entrancing Mary!

Tom

(Derisively)

YOU want to marry Contrary Mary? You might as well try to turn off the sun and blow out the stars!

(All laugh)

But let him go, friends, as a favor to me! We may be relatives yet.

(Goes down L.)

Barnaby

(L.C.)

Ah! Then there's hope for me with Contrary Mary?

Tom

Not a gleam, but some day, you may be my uncle-in-law!

Barnaby

(With pretended grief)

If you mean my niece Jane? She and Alan are at the bottom of the sea.

Tom

I don't believe it!

Barnaby

(Mopping eyes with handkerchief)

They'll never come back to their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby!

(TOM TOM goes up stage)

Jill

And what's their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby going to do with their fortune?

(CROWD again gathers around Barnaby)

Barnaby

(Hypocritically)

I'm keeping it for them --the law forces me to do tat.

Jill

Trust you to take good care of money. You skinflint! But you'll be wise if you take better care to keep out of our way hereafter. Now go! (They all jeer and threaten him)

(BARNABY is chased off up R.)

(He exits, followed by Jill & all)

(TOM picks up his staff and bundle from steps of house. HILDA enters from house left.)

Hilda

Master Tom Tom where are you going?

Tom Tom

Hilda, I'm going to find the girl I'm in love with - Jane.

Hilda

Old Barnaby's niece? ---(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up right) But wasn't she lost at sea with her brother Alan?

Tom

Old Barnaby says so, and that's why I don't believe it.

Gonzorgo

(Dropping down to him)

But me and my sad faced companion can prove it. We were the sole survivors of the wreck.

Tom

And who are you?

Gonzorgo

I was in charge of the ship, my name is Gonzorgo. (Pointing to Roderigo.) This is my mate and friend to boot.

Roderigo

Yes, friend to boot!

Gonzorgo

We swear by our right hands (They raise left hands) everyone was lost on the ship but us.

Hilda

I don't think they're telling the truth!

Tom

Nor do I! (Looking instantly at both of them) I remember seeing you two some place before, where was it?

Roderigo

You don't by any chance go in for the three B's do you?

Gonzorgo

Yes, the three B's. Bridge, Bank Nite and Bingo!

Tom

(Pointing at Gonzorgo)

I saw you at the Village Fair. You were running the carasel. And you offered to wager you could pick the horse that would come in first.

Gonzorgo

(Drawing sword)

You can't accuse us of cheating, it must have been two other scoundrels. Defend yourself!

(Attacks TOM, who parries with his staff and knocks Gon's sword from his hand as WIDOW PIPER ENTERS from the house L.)

Hilda

(Running to her)

Oh, Mrs. Piper, you're just in time!

Widow

(Coming down C.)

Tom, don't be rude to the gentleman!

Gonzorgo

(Gallantly)

Madam, is he your little boy?

Widow

Yes, he is the black sheep of our family -- but I love him!

Gon.

He can't be the white-haired boy and still a black sheep.

Roderigo

Maybe she's color blind.

Gon

Because of that, I spare him.

(Picks up sword, TOM & HILDA GO UP STAGE)

Widow

Accept the blessings of a lonely widow!

Gon.

(Elbowing Roderigo away)

Have you been lonely long?

Widow

Two years.

Roderigo

(Pointing to Tom.)

And have you only the white-haired black sheep to love?

Widow

No, he has 13 sisters and brothers who need a father's care.

Rod.

That's a lot of work for one caretaker.

Gonzorgo

Fourteen children! And - (Points to house) Is this where you call the Convention to order?

Widow

Yes, Mr. Piper left us very well off. And this is our cottage. (Gonzorgo and Roderigo look at each other)

Gonzorgo

(Turns to Widow)

I adore the country, don't you?

Widow

I have to.

Roderigo

Why?

Widow

Did you ever try to rent an apartment in the City with 14 children?

Gonzorgo

(Tenderly)

And when the nestlings have all flown away, have you ever thought of mating once again?

Widow

Well, of course I've had my moments. Will you gentlemen enter and partake of some refreshments?

Gon. & Roderigo

Will we!? We will.

Widow

I married once for money. If I wed again, it will have to be an artist, a poet, or a hero.

Roderigo

I'm not an expert accountant, but did you say you had 14 children?

Widow

Yes, fourteen.

Gonzorgo

Your second husband would have to be a hero.

(The THREE EXEUNT into house left)

Hilda

(To Tom)

I'll look for the children, Master Tom, and tell them you're going away.

Tom

Thank you, Hilda. (HILDA exits up Left)

(BO PEEP enters right, dejectedly)

Tom

Why, sister Bo Peep, you have the saddest face I've ever seen.

Bo Peep

I missed most of the party, because I lost my sheep.

Tom

That's nothing for you to feel sheepish about - don't cry, little Bo Peep, don't cry.

SONG #2.

(TOM, BO PEEP, PIPER CHILDREN & CHORUS.)

(During the song, JILL and OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)

(After number)

Tom

I've just found out why old Barnaby is paying for this party.

All

Why?

Tom

He wants everybody on hand to hear his engagement announcement.

Bo Peep

Engagement? To whom?

Tom

Contrary Mary.

Bo Peep

Oh, Mary hasn't gone and done a dreadful thing like that?

Tom

Not yet. But mother's set on the match, and is going to announce the engagement anyway. (ALL express anger)

Jill

Let Barnaby keep his old party! I'm going back to tidy up the stable! (Starts up L. to exit. Others stop her.)

Bo Peep

Party! He can't buy us with lemonade and chocolate eclaires, can he girls?

All

No! (JILL sits on stage down L.C.)

Tom

I hope all of you will keep out of trouble till I get back. (Starts up Right)

All

Where are you going?

Tom

Away this very hour to look for Jane!

Miss Moffett

(One of the Piper children) Do keep out of that awful forest! They say there's a veil in it filled with spiders.

Tom

I will, Little Miss Moffett, no spiders for you eh? I know how tough it was on the tuffet.

Miss Moffett

(Shuddering) I don't like to see spiders. When you've seen one of them you've seen them all.

Tom

Well I'm off on my hunt for Jane. Who'll go as far as the turn of the road with me? (Starts up right)

All

All of us!

(HILDA ENTERS from house left, with small package in hand)

Hilda

Wait, Master Tom, you mustn't go around the world hungry. Here's a box of sandwiches with jelly and pickle.

Tom

Thank you, Hilda. And good-bye! Come along, boys and girls. (EXITS with ALL except HILDA and Jill)

Hilda

(Waving to Tom)

Goodbye! Goodbye! Just think, he's leaving his native home land. He'll be like a man without a country. What can be worse than that!

Jill

Nothing "except a country without a man".

Hilda

He's going around the world to find his sweetheart. (JANE ENTERS up L. in gypsy boy's costume)

Jill

And everybody knows that Jane is under the ocean.

Jane

Everybody except Jane!

Hilda

You? It isn't you, is it?

Jane

Hilda, it simply can't be anybody else!

Hilda

(Embracing her)

Where's Alan?

Jane

He stopped to pin up a tear in his skirt.

Jill

Skirt?

Jane

After the shipwreck, our clothes were in tatters-- but we met a band of gypsies that gave us what clothing they could spare. And we had to arrange it thus. (Indicates costume)

Hilda

(Pointing off L.)

And here's Alan, a regular gypsy!

(ALAN ENTERS dressed as a gypsy girl with tambourine swinging from waist.)

Alan

Hilda and Jill! Would you know me?

Hilda

Never, Alan, if I hadn't been told.

Alan

I am Floretta - until further notice--Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest. (Pirouettes)

Jane

(To Hilda)

How is our Uncle Barnaby?

Jill

(At C)

Your Uncle Barnaby is well.

Alan

(Eagerly)

And Contrary Mary?

Hilda

(With meaning)

Still waiting for a certain young man to come back from being drowned.

Jane

Where's Tom Tom?

Hilda

(Goes up R)

Just started to find you. Quick! If he hasn't gone too far, we can catch him! (Points off R)

Jane

Don't go away, Alan, and look out for the Widow Piper. Remember you're not too popular, with Mary's mother. Hilda and Jill, let's hurry! (HILDA, JILL & JANE EXEUNT quickly up right)

(THE WIDOW PIPER ENTERS FROM house)

Alan

Ah. here you are now!...I mean, do you want your palm read?

Widow

A gypsy! Yes I will have my fortune told. Can you tell fortunes?

Alan

Better than an income tax collector. I peek into the future at 25 cents a peek. (WIDOW gives Alan money)

Widow

There, peek for me!

Alan

(Looks at her hand)

Your name is Piper! You've had an unfortunate marriage.

Widow

Can you tell that by the lines in my hand?

Alan

No, by the lines under your eyes. Your husband is dead. He was not very handsome, he had A. & P. eyes. One eye faced the Atlantic and one eye faced the Pacific. You have a daughter named Mary. She should marry a young man whose name begins with A. He has a lovely character, is charming, gifted and attractive.

Widow

If you're talking about a wretched, no-account young fool named Alan, you're all wrong.

Alan

No, I am -- that is he is -a character every one could love. I'd even love him myself,-- that is, if I knew him.

Widow

I don't think this is such a very good reading.

Alan

I could do better with tea leaves....if you could bring me a cup of tea....and perhaps some hot biscuits...I also read the future by hot buttered biscuits.

Widow

Go ahead, Gypsy, and tell me more about myself. (Gonzorgo enters from house.) I have two suitors - which shall I marry?

Alan

I must see them first. (Widow points to Gonzorgo)

Widow

There is one!

Alan

Well, if that is one, I'd advise you to take the other.

Gonzorgo

What have we here, a gypsy?

Widow

Yes. Let her read your hand.

Gonzorgo

(To Alan)

I give you my hand, to find out if she- (Indicating widow) Will give me her hand.

Alan

But first you must take off your glove.

Gon.

I'm not wearing gloves, my hands are sunburned.

Alan

(Examining his hand)

Yes, expecially the palms. (Looks in hand) Oh, I can't go on! After you've had your hands read will your face be red!

Gonzorgo

I know you see there a mad love and devotion.

Alan

Yes, I can see you returning home at night and this lady with her fourteen children, waiting to greet you on the front porch.

Gonzorgo

Yes...

Alan

Yes, and your present wife and triplets waiting for you on the back porch!

Widow

Gonzorgo! You! You are married?

Gonzorgo

Well, yes, and no!

Widow

Make up your mind!

Alan

He has a wife. And his wife's feet are always so tired, her toes want to turn in!

Gonzorgo

It's false. (To Widow) Dost doubt Gonzorgo?

Widow

I dost.

Alan

(To Gonzorgo)

She dosts, and the sooner you dust the better.

Widow

(To Alan)

You don't know what a service you've done me, you've torn the mask from his face. Thank you so much, thank you so much, Floretta, the Fawn! (EXITS INTO HOUSE)

Gonzorgo

(Turning to Alan)

So, you are the Fawn! --Well, there goes my deer and my doe! You are a gypsy with the accent on the gyp. (EXITS into house)

Alan

Not bad, for the Fawn of the forest. (Pirouettes)

(HILDA & JANE enter up R)

Jane

(To Alan)

We couldn't find Tom Tom.

Hilda

If you need any clothes the children have plenty to spare. (Female chorus begins to enters) (JANE remains on)

Alan

(to Hilda)

Get me some boys togs. I feel it would be well for Floretta to vanish. (HILDA EXITS into house L.)

1st Girl

A gypsy!

2nd Girl

Perhaps a fortune-teller!

1st Girl

Do you tell fortunes?

Alan

Do I? It was destined by the stars that I was to be a fortune- teller. My father was born under the sign of the crab, and I was born under the sign of the bull. I can tell you everything except the size of the National debt.

SONG: #3.

"FLORETTA"

(ALAN and singing CHORUS all exeunt after song)

(EIGHT DANDIES ENTER RIGHT.)

1st Dandy

I don't see anything of her anywhere.

2nd Dandy

Contrary Mary always works at her garden at this house. (HILDA enters from house)

1st Dandy

Is Miss Mary at home?

Hilda

No, she's at school. She's taking a course in domestic silence.

2nd Dandy

You mean domestic science.

Hilda

No, she's going to cooking school.

1st Dandy

We merely dropped in to inquire about her garden.

Hilda

It's doing very well, thank you.

(BO PEEP AND OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)

Bo Peep

Oh, look, aren't you Mary's Beaux?

All

We are!

Hilda

There's quite a crowd to see Mary.

(MARY ENTERS)

Mary

And I just love crowds!

All the Beaux

Mary!

Mary

I'm glad to see you all collectively. Won't you make yourselves at home?

1st Beaux

Mary, is it true that you are going to marry?

Mary

Of course I'm going to marry....

All

Oh!

Mary

That is - some day! I don't know when or to whom!

2nd Beau

Can't you make a choice now?

1st Beau

Yes, each one of us is proposing to you.

Mary

I'll consider your offer. But here's what I expect from the man I could really love.

SONG: #4.

(Cho. of Dandies and Children, and Dance)

(All exeunt on number except MARY. Enter BARNABY up right with large bouquet.)

Barnaby

(Tendering bouquet)

Here, pretty one, is a bunch of pretty blosoms, and I only wish they were as pretty as you.

Mary

(Takes bouquet indifferently)

Thank you.

Barnaby

I've hidden a tender little note in that bouquet. I'll go away and let it speak for me. (Goes R)

Mary

Oh, say it yourelf, and have it over with!

Barnaby

(Pulling bench on R)

Sit down. (They sit on bench) Don't be cruel, Mary. Won't you marry me? (Takes her hand) I know the bloom is no longer on my cheek---

Mary

(Withdrawing hand)

Pardon me, but there's nothing wrong with your cheek.

Barnaby

(Angrily, rises)

You may be treating me this way in the hopes that Alan will come back and marry you. Take my word for it, you'll never see him again.

Mary

(Throws bouquet away)

How I wish I could say the same of you. (GONZORGO and RODERIGO enter from house)

Barnaby

Here's proof! The very men in whose tender care I placed my niece and nephew. Now do you believe me?

Mary

I'll neither believe you nor marry you! (Starts toward house) Not if you were the last man on earth! Not if you gave me steam yachts - castles, or the richest jewelry. My foot is down! That foot -- the other foot -- both feet! (Exits into house)

Gonzorgo

Well, are you ready to settle with your silent partners?

Barnaby

I don't understand you.

Gonzorgo

(To him)

You can hear us, even if we are your silent partners. And here's what we want to broadcast to you. How about our contract to get rid of your niece and nephew?

Barnaby

What have you done with Jane and Alan?

Gonzorgo

They are now playing harps with Saint Pete and his golden Gaters. (Roderigo sobs) We chartered an old dilapidated schooner and we lured Alan and Jane on board, we told them it was the show boat. (Roderigo sobs) The boat was an old dilapidated wreck that we christened "Static". We knew the schooner would soon be under the foam. (Roderigo sobs) The weather bureau said it would be clear weather but we knew they were wrong as usual. Soon it began to rain - it rained cats and dogs, - I know because I stepped in several poodles. (Roderigo sobs) We knew if the storm struck -- the waves would strike -- and the crew would go on a sit-down strike. Well, IT did - - they did -- and we did. Down went the hull of the Ship. (Roderigo sobs)

Roderigo

You mean the whole of the ship.

Gonzorgo

Hull or whole- what is a little pronunciation among friends? The ship sank! And everyone but us two are now sleeping on the ocean bed with oysters as pillows.

(Barnaby suddenly begins to sob)

What are you crying for?

Barnaby

I've seen the last of my little charges.

Gonzorgo

And now you'll see the first of ours. (Presents bills)

Barnaby

A bill?

Gonzorgo

My little charges for disposing of your little charges.

(Hands bill to Barnaby)

Barnaby

(Reading it)

500 dollars!?

Roderigo

For scuttling one ship.

Barnaby

What part of it did you do?

Roderigo

I was 1st vice-president in charge of the scuttle department.

Barnaby

Follow me down to my office, I am the manager of the T.C.N.P.U. --Finance Company. There is much money in my vault.

Gonzorgo

The T.C.N.P.U. finance company? What does the T.C.N.P.U. stand for?

Barnaby

They Can Never Pay Up!

(All three exeunt right)

(JANE & ALAN ENTER in school children's dress, from house.)

Alan

Remember Jane, when we meet Mary, two is company, and three - is a conference.

Jane

Don't worry. I know when I'm not wanted. (Sees bouquet left by Barnaby. Picks it up) What a pretty bouquet! (Sniffs at it) M'm. How sweet! (Hands it to Alan)

Alan

(Sniffing bouquet)

Wonder where it came from. What's this? (Takes card from heart of bouquet) A card. (Glances at it)

Jane

What is it?

Alan

(Throws bouquet away angrily, reads card)

"To darling Mary". "From her future husband."

Jane

Oh, Alan! In your absence have you been jilted?

Alan

I'll never speak to her again!

Mary

(Backing in from house and calling off)

I won't dress for the party, I won't! I won't!

Alan

(Signals to Jane, who exits)

(Mary turns sees Alan)

Mary

Alan!

Alan

Oh Mary! (With a sudden change of manner) How do you do, Miss Piper?

Mary

(Stiffly)

Very well, thank you. Don't you think we need rain?

Alan

Yes--a change. Some people can't get along with change. (Pointing to bench) Won't you sit down?

Mary

Thank you. (They sit stiffly)

Alan

I haven't seen you for some time.

Mary

You've been away, haven't you?

Alan

Have you really noticed it?

Mary

It just occurred to me.

Alan

It's a warm day.

Mary

What?

Alan

Chilly, isn't it?

Mary

Very. (Archly) I think I need something around me. (Repeats louder) I think I need something around me.

Alan

(Coldly)

I heard what you said. (Slides to other end of bench)

Mary

Alan, I don't understand such behavior.

Alan

Better ask your future husband to explain it!

Mary

My future husband? Who is he?

Alan

Who is he? Is this a guessing contest?

Mary

What do you mean? (Rises - going L.C.)

Alan

You're somebody's darling, an old man's darling, perhaps a nice lovely old man with millions!

Mary

Oh, don't you think you're smart?

Alan

There's my reason. (Shows card he has taken from bouquet)

Mary

It isn't so! I don't know who wrote this, and you're just horrid to believe it!

Alan

I've got to believe my eyes.

Mary

You believe your eyes before you believe me? Then I've found you out in time. You never loved me--and--don't you dare to ever speak to me again!

Alan

Good-bye, forever!

Mary

Good-bye, forever! (Neither moves)

Alan

I heard what you said.

Mary

Oh, did you? Well, this time it is goodbye forever! And when I say forever I mean definitely! Goodbye! (Looks at Alan, exits into house.)

(JANE enters up L.)

Jane

What did Mary do to you, Alan?

Alan

She didn't do anything to me, but she loves somebody else. I'm going to take my part of the fortune Uncle Barnaby is keeping for us, and go far far away!

Jane

I'll get my money from him too, and I'll go with you.

Alan

Where?

Jane

I don't know, don't you?

Alan

Let's get a map and stick a pin in it, and whever the pin sticks, we'll go!

Jane

I've got a pin. (Producing one)

Alan

I have one too. (Produces another)

(BARNABY ENTERS RIGHT)

(Barnaby sees them, is startled)

Barnaby

What is this--why--?

Jane

We're glad to see you.

Alan

And we want our money.

Barnaby

(Recoiling)

Ghosts, they can't be alive, ghosts!! Take them away!

Alan

Will you pay us our money?

Barnaby

No, no, you are dead. Go away! Ghosts!

Alan

We'll show you how alive we are. Present arms! (He and Jane draw pins.) Attack! (They start after Barnaby with pins and he runs in terror and exits)

(As they chase him off BLACK OUT)

(As in original or Alan & Jane remain on as Barnaby rushes off)

Jane

We almost stuck him for the money. Are you still going to travel?

Alan

Yes. Although we'll be homeless rovers on the highway.

(They sing)

CHORUS

Both:

We're too little trailers

Trailing around

And no parking space any place have we found.

Without any definite home.

We're two birds of passage -

Where can we light?

And where is the nest - we can rest for the night?

But it's all right wherever we're bound

Two trailers just trailing around.

(LIGHTS DIMMER DOWN on them and Change to Scene II)

CHANGE OF SCENE

ACT I:

SCENE II: Garden well

(Alex or Etc.)

(GONZORGO & RODERIGO enter right.)

Roderigo

Was that the widow Piper who slammed the door in our faces?

Gonzorgo

Yes, it was. Thanks to that gypsy, what was her name gypsy --?

Roderigo

Gypsy Rose Lee.

Gonzorgo

No, no, she was a gypsy Fawn. Not a gypsy Bear (bare).

(ENTER BARNABY LEFT)

Roderigo

Have you brought our pay?

Barnaby

Pay? You haven't earned it yet. Jane and Alan have returned.

Gonzorgo

Alive?

Barnaby

Painfully so!

Gon.

They suspect...

Barnaby

Nothing. They think it was all an accident. While they still trust us we must try again to -to remove them.

Roderigo

How?

Barnaby

I've told them I bought a new country house while they were away, and you two must take them there tonight, but the road to it leads thru the Spider's Forest.

(They exchange knowing glance)

Business detains me in the village. In the depth of the forest you will accidentally lose the children.

Roderigo

It's a deadly place. I've heard of it.

Barnaby

Alive with dangers--small chance the children will ever come out of it.

Gonzorgo

But will we?

Barnaby

I don't think so. (Gonzorgo and Roderigo, together)

Gon. & Rod.

What!

Barnaby

(Correcting self)

I don't think so many dangers are there....that is, for you.

Gonzorgo

But when we have carried out the designs, we expect to be paid in cash.

Roderigo

Yes, it's strictly a cash and carry proposition.

Barnaby

Don't worry about the money, I'll fetch the children here, and remember everything is on the q.t.

(EXITS)

(GONZORGO and RODERIGO tog. in rhythm)

Gon & Rod.

On the Q.T. On the Q.T.

If we get our dough- re- mi--

Only so fa -for the dough

Ray me fa so la si do!

(They do DANCE OFF.)

(OR SPECIALTY DANCE)

(BOY BLUE looks cautiously over the garden well.)

Boy Blue

Come on, the lawn is empty. (BO PEEP looks over the wall)

Bo Peep

Hurry up Mary, now's your chance!!

(MARY looks over wall)

Boy Blue

Do you know where you're going?

Mary

As far from old Barnaby as I can get. And if I never come back, you can have my Shirley Temple doll.

Bo Peep

Oh, don't talk that way!

(Mary climbs down the wall assisted by the vine and boy BLUE and Bo Peep)

Boy Blue

Careful -slowly--there you are!

Mary

Hand down my baggage, please.

(They hand her a canary bird cage with bird in it; a shopping bag, a big music roll; a camera, and a little pink parasol)

Goodbye! Goodbye!

Boy Blue and Bo Peep

Goodbye!

Mary

Boy Blue, you won't forget to feed the guinea pigs?

Boy Blue

I promise!

Mary

Goodbye! And don't forget to give some little pieces of cheese to my little mice, Mickey and Minnie. And take care of my Donald Duck. (starts to go. Rushes back again) Oh...oh...I forgot!

All

What?

Mary

My overshoes! (They hand the overshoes to her. MARY EXITS L. to general chorus of goodbyes)

Bo Peep

Tom Tom and Mary gone in one day! Mother will be pleased!

Simon

There she is, coming in the front way with the children.

Bo Peep

Not a word! (After "not a word")

Simon

Here comes somebody! (All start to dodge down.) (Bo Peep stays)

(JANE ENTERS R)

Bo Peep

Oh, it's only Jane!

Jane

Only me. Where are the rest of the children?

Boy Blue

Getting ready for school.

Bo Peep

I just despise it. Why, I'd rather get married than to go to school. (Leaves wall)

Jane

Where are you all now?

Simon

Still in the primary. It's the nasty arithmetic that's keeping us back. Look at those sums we've got for today. (Drops book to Jane) Where the leaf is turned down.

Jane

Oh, these are easy.

Red Riding Hood

Come on boys and girls, Jane is going to do our sums for us!

(Sits on wall other Piper children do the same)

I can't do that sum!

(JANE and all)

SONG NO. 7. or 7-a.

"I CAN'T DO THAT SUM". Jane and Ensemble. Children.

(JANE EXITS ON NUMBER.)

(ALL EXIT on number)

Barnaby

Now, Alan, my boy, you're going to my new home with Jane-- (ENTER GONZORGO AND RODERIGO L) --and these friends of mine.

Alan

Here's Jane, I'll tell her. (JANE RE-ENTERS R) Jane, we're going to Uncle Barnaby's new home!

Jane

Where is it?

Alan

A little journey, and these fellows are to take us. (Indicates Gon. and Rod.)

Barnaby

They'll see you safely there, and I'll follow.

Alan

We're ready. And tomorrow I want my share of my fortune!

Jane

Me, too!

Barnaby

We'll tend to that when you see me in the morning.

Jane

(Looking at Gon and Rod)

If those men had long beards--

Alan

I know. You'd think they were the villains who lured us on the boat.

Gonzorgo

It wasn't us. I wouldn't harm a hair in anyone's head -- not even Joe Louis'.

Roderigo

And I have an alibi. See my laywers, O'Brien, O'Rafferty, O'Reilly, and O'Cohen. (THEY take Jane and Alan's arms, Jane and Alan together)

Jane & Alan

Good-bye! Goodbye!

(JANE ALAN GONZORGO & RODERIGO Exeunt left)

Barnaby

And you will never see me again. Goodbye. Goodbye. Forever!

DARK CHANGE:

SCENE III Spider's Forest.

Specialty with Animal number. To open scene, (Possibly the kitchen pirates)

ENTER JANE & ALAN.

Alan

Rest here. This is a good place. (Leading her to mouth of Bear's den)

Jane

There's a spider's web.

Alan

With a white moth in it.

Jane

Poor thing! -as badly tangled up in that web as we are in these woods! Do set it free. (Alan releases the moth)

Alan

There it goes, flying for dear life. (Looking about) I wish we could fly too!

Jane

I wish we could, for I can't walk!

Alan

Then we'll rest a while. (Sits beside Jane) Try to sleep a bit.

Jane

I'm too frightened.

Alan

(Badly scared)

Frightened! Ha, ha! What's that?

Jane

I don't know. (Pointing off) What's that?

Alan

Nothing at all. Don't worry I'm here to protect you! Come, let's go over here and take a little nap.

Jane

Yes, I'm so, so tired!

Alan

(Leading her off to one side)

Yes, yes, we'll take a little sleep.

(They lie down)

Sleep, sleep...a little peaceful sleep.

Jane

Goodnight!

Alan

Goodnight!

(They doze off.)

BUTTERFLY BALLET: END OF ACT I.

BABES IN TOYLAND

ACT II

-----

ACT II:

SCENE: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.

TOYLAND FAIR WALTZ:

and Chorus:

(At the end of the number Barnaby and Widow Piper enter from arch up L.C. HILDA from down R)

Barnaby

(To Hilda)

Mary's in Toyland, I'm sure of that, and we'll not go home again till we find her.

Widow

A fine dance she has lead us for three weeks!

Barnaby

(Sentimentally)

A love-chase for me.

Widow

Never mind, we'll make her Mrs. Barnaby yet.

Barnaby

With the aid of Isnpector Marmaduke!

Hilda

Who's he?

(MARMADUKE enters from arch, unseen by others)

Barnaby

The leading detective of Toyland.

Marmaduke

(Melodramatically)

You have sent for Marmaduke and he is here!

Barnaby

Can you find Contrary Mary?

Marmaduke

You have sent for me because you cannot find her yourself!

Widow

(To Hilda)

He's a regular mind-reader!

Barnaby

Do you think you can run her down?

Marmaduke

(With dignity)

A well-bred detective never runs a lady down.

Widow

Mary was the apple of my eye. She has lips like cherries and cheeks like peaches.

Marmaduke

(Writing in note-book) Wanted--a female with a face like a fruit store. Would you like to take her dead or alive?

Barnaby

Alive for choice. She's to be my wife, you know.

Marmaduke

Must she marry you?

Barnaby & Widow

She must!

Marmaduke

(Going L.) And does she know it?

Barnaby & Widow

She does.

Marmaduke

We'll begin with looking in the river.

(Exit down L. with Widow and Barnaby)

(TOMTOM ENTERS from arch)

Tom

Ah, Hilda!

Hilda

Tom Tom! (They embrace) My, but your Ma's mad at you and Mary!

Tom

(Surprised)

Where is mother? Not here in Toyland?

Hilda

Here with your brothers and sisters and old Barnaby.

Tom

Don't say you've seen me.

Hilda

Never fear.

Tom

I'm employed as Court Crier to the Court Royal, and Mary is a doll's dressmaker at the Master Toymaker's workshop, under the name of Mlle. Elisette.

Hilda

Who's the Master Toymaker?

Tom

A great person here. He sets the fashion in dolls and toys for all the world.

Hilda

Barnaby has just engaged Inspector Marmaduke to hunt for Mary.

Tom

Follow me, we'll go to her and warn her! (BOTH EXEUNT up L.)

(MARMADUKE re-enters down R)

(JAKE and ALAN enter from arch)

Marmaduke

Strangers! Where did you come from?

Alan

We know where we come from, but we don't where we've got to. We were lost in a forest at our home, and after many adventures, reached a strange sea coast. A passing vessel brought us here, and we don't care how soon another takes us away.

Marmaduke

This is Toyland.

Alan

(To Marmaduke)

Toyland? Were you made in Germany or Connecticut?

Marmaduke

(Indignantly) I'm not a dummy. I'm a detective.

Alan

What's the difference?

Marmaduke

Do you know Contrary Mary, I'm looking for her? (JAKE & ALAN nod) Tell me what she wore the last time you saw her.

(Produces note book)

Jane

A blue and white polka-dot dress.

Marmaduke

Ah, a clue!

Alan

You'll be sure to find her now.

Marmaduke

Why?

Alan

A polka-dot dress is always spotted.

Marmaduke

Bah!

Jane

If I could only find Tom Tom, I wouldn't care.

(To Marmaduke)

Do you know Tom Tom?

Marmaduke

Is it anything like Contract?

Jane

No, he's a young man - very very handsome...and he has the grandest eyes and teeth and the most sensitive ears --

Marmaduke

I'm not in the least interested.

Jane

Of course everybody doesn't call him Tom Tom.

Alan

No, especially those who don't know him.

Jane

His family name was Piper, so to strangers he is Mr. Piper, but he is very very handsome, and he has the grandest eyes and teeth, and the most sensitive ears.

Marmaduke

But I haven't sensitive ears. (Rushes off under arch.)

(GIRLS BEGIN TO ENTER DURING preceding speech)

Jane

Wait, I want to tell you more about Tom Tom.

1st Girl

(Looking at Jane and Alan)

My dear, what fine looking things the parade has brought to town!

2nd Girl

What perfect frights, they must have fallen out of the moon.

1st Girl

Tell us where you came from?

Jane

First, I want to find out something about the place I am in! Pardon me while I go sight seeing! (EXITS down R)

1st Girl

And who are you?

Alan

I'm nothing yet, but when I grow up, I want to be a radio star.

1st Girl

What could you do on the radio?

Alan

I could be Uncle Don Crosby. That's something new, isn't it? Giving advice to the children in song form.

1st Girl

You mean a sort of lullaby?

Alan

Yes, just what!

SONG ALAN AND CHORUS: "ROCK A BYE BABY"

(Alan and others exeunt on number)

(PIPER CHILDREN ENTER from L. side of stage, they are playfully pulling the master toymaker after them, each child drags or carries on a toy. Possible dance here with BABY DOLLS...or a cakewalk)

Toymaker

There! There! You have me quite out of breath, my dears. I must rest a moment.

(Sits on large toy block, which two of the children place C. for him)

Bo Peep

When we find Mother, she'll pay you for these lovely play- things.

Toymaker

There's nothing to pay. I am the world's master toymaker and I want to give these toys to you. Just a little rememberance in the heart of a child is more to me than anything else in the world.

(A general murmur "Thank you" etc)

Bo Peep

Haven't you any little boys and girls of your own?

Toymaker

No. That's why I'm free to love all children, and to try and make them love me.

Red Hiding Hood

Do you make toys that talk?

Toymaker

Aye, talk and walk and do everything but think. I can give them everything but a soul, and some day I may give them even that.

(He reads the underlined phrase, so tragically, that all the children shrink from him. Noticing their notion he immediately returns to his amiable manner)

But I must go. I have work to do.

(To Children)

Come to my work-shop, and see all the other toys that I have there.

(EXITS down L. ENTER WIDOW from arch)

Widow

Ah here are my angels!

Bo Peep

See what the Master Toymaker has given us. (Children show toys, BARNABY enters up L., holding TOMTOM by the wrist)

Barnaby

Here's Tom-Tom. Just caught him in the crowd. (Cries of "Hello Tom Tom", "Hello, brother", from the children)

Widow

Naughty boy, where's your sister?

Tom

(Defiantly)

I don't know. I don't know anything about her.

Barnaby

Tell the truth, you rascal! You ran away together.

Tom

No, we didn't. I don't know where Mary is at all!

Widow

(To children)

Come, all of you, look for her. Scatter and be quick about it! Tom tom, you go with us. (WIDOW EXITS quickly with TOM TOM)

Barnaby

(To children)

Hurry up! Find your sister! Be off with you!

Bo Peep

Find her for you? Not much.

(The children rush off stage; JILL remains on the stage playing with the doll the Toymaker gave her, BARNABY turns and sees JILL busy with doll, sitting on the stage down R)

Barnaby

(Sharply)

Jill, why don't you do as you're told? (Sneeringly) Precious Pet-mother's ownest! Just wait till I'M your brother-in-law!

Jill

(Guying him)

I could faint with joy at the prospect!

Barnaby

Badness, where do you expect to go when you die?

Jill

If it's any place where you ain't, I'll be happy.

Barnaby

(Shaking his cane at her)

(Furiously) If you were only mine! How I could box your ears! if you were only mine!

Jill

(With mock sentiment)

It's hopeless! I can never be yours! (Barnaby seizes Jill's doll, strikes it, then kicks it about the stage) Help! Help! A lady's being struck -give me my doll!

(GRUMIO ENTERS at top of runway over arch. Hears Jill's cries, stumbles and rolls down runway to stage)

Grumio

(Picking up doll and facing Barnaby) Hold! How dare you strike a helpless female in the face!

Jill

Bless you! You have saved my child! (Faints in Grumio's arms)

Barnaby

You'll hear from me later. (EXITS angrily under arch)

Grumio

(Calling after him) Yes, do write, even if it's just a post-card. Courage, beautiful stranger--your child has only lost an ear.

Jill

My name is Jill. What's yours?

Grumio

Grumio. I'm the Master Toymaker's apprentice. What do you do?

Jill

Oh, I live a life of leisure, but I'm going to leave society and go to work. Perhaps I'll even be on relief.

Grumio

I had trouble at home too. Mother kept a butler, who objected to my wearing his evening clothes.

Jill

But didn't you ever have any other ambitions?

Grumio

Yes, I wanted to be a politician. It's the only business where you can sit down and run at the same time!

Jill

Is there any chance of landing a job here.

Grumio

Come to my master's workshop. They're shorthanded there and I can get you a place.

Jill

Can you fix my doll there?

Grumio

(Holding doll so sawdust pours out) Yes, better hurry up, she may have a sawdust hemmorhage.

Jill

What'll you charge?

Grumio

My charge will be just one kiss.

Jill

All right, you send the bill to mother.

Grumio

But after I've seen mother's face, I may not want to collect it. Give me one kiss and I'll be satisfied.

Jill

No.

Grumio

You won't give me one kiss.

Jill

Yes, but you won't be satisified.

(HE starts to kiss her)

(Pantomine) - (Possibly a dance speciality.)

(He is just about to kiss her, but enter the WIDOW and Barnaby.)

Widow

Brute!

(Leads Jill down stage grasping her by the ear, and Barnaby chases Grumio off stage thru arch.)

You're too young to be kissing strangers!

Jill

I just wanted to find out what a kiss was.

Widow

A kiss is nothing divided by two.

Widow

(Contd)

You got that kissing idea from the movies...from now on you'll see nothing but travelogues.

(Leads JILL off Left.)

Toymaker

(Enters with MAN reading document.) You may report to me in the toyshop, in an hour!

Barnaby

(ENTERS from arch.)

(To Toymaker) You're the King-pin of all the toymakers, I've heard. I'd like to hire you to make a few toys for me.

Toymaker

Ah, then you love the children too?

Barnaby

Oh, I simply dote on them!

Toymaker

What would you like me to make for them?

Barnaby

A lot of dangerous toys. Toys that a child would eagerly accept. That would destroy them, and even kill them, in some clever way. (JANE ENTERS under arch, overhears)

Toymaker

Why do you hate the children so bitterly?

Barnaby

My late sister left her two vicious bad-tempered children Alan and Jane for me to look after. What a life they've led me! Even their fortune, which will be mine in another week, could hardly repay me for the trouble they have caused me.

Toymaker

Are they dead?

Barnaby

Yes, they were lost in the forest, I've seen the last of them!

(JANE exits silently)

A thousand dollars, if you'll take the order. Twelve hundred! Fifteen hundred!

Toymaker

No, no!

Barnaby

Eighteen hundred!

Toymaker

No, no, don't tempt me. Eighteen hundred dollars for toys, that would kill and destroy!

(Starts off L.)

Barnaby

I'll make it two thousand dollars! Just let me see you alone in your work shop, and we'll close the bargain. (BOTH EXEUNT L)

(JANE and ALAN enter under arch much excited)

Alan

And if we're not home in a week, Uncle Barnaby gets our fortune!

Jane

Yes, that's what I heard him say!

Alan

Now I understand Uncle Barnaby now I know him. He's as easy to see thru as a cellophane wrapper.

Jane

I'm sure he had us lost in the woods.

Alan

And lost at sea the same way. Oh, he's been playing a losing game with every way.

Jane

We must get home--we haven't a penny, what's to be done?

Alan

Or, who's to be done?

Jane

First let us change these clothes. Nobody else in Toyland dresses like this, and Uncle Barnaby will surely hear about us.

Alan

That's a risk we can't afford. We must shift our wardrobe, but how?

(JILL ENTERS L)

Jill

Can it be? Alan and Jane!

Jane

Jill!

Jill

And a runaway just like you two!

Alan

I hope you've run away with a tailor!

Jane

Or a dressmaker.

Jill

Neither, but I've just been engaged to dress the dolls at the Master Toymaker's.

Alan

Do you think you could find anything there to fit us? We don't want to be captured.

Jill

Perhaps, some of the Toymaker's dolls are nearly as big as you.

Jane

Where are they?

Jill

(Melodramatically)

Follow me! (The three exeunt under arch)

(BO PEEP & BOY BLUE ENTER UNDER ARCH)

(Other Piper Children re-enter)

Bo Peep

I wonder what's become of MAry?

Boy Blue

Maybe she's married a title, and has had to go to work to support him.

(MARY ENTERS under arch with small milliner's box under arm)

Bo Peep, Boy Blue etc.

It's Mary!

(General embrace)

Bo Peep

What in the world are you doing in Toyland? (MARMADUKE ENTERS under arch)

Mary

Oh, I'm making dolls for the master Toymaker! and my alias is Mam'sell Elisette.

Marmaduke

Hold in the name of the law! Stand up where you are! Hold, I say!

Mary

(Ignoring Marmaduke, coming down with the group)

I want to hear all the news from home. Are all the guinea pigs well, and how is the new donkey?

Marmaduke

I am here!

Mary

(Looking over her shoulder)

But you're not the one I was speaking of.

Marmaduke

Listen to me for a moment! Do any of you know a girl named Mary? Don't answer if it may incriminate you.

Mary

Who are you?

Marmaduke

I am the world's most famous inspector!

Mary

What of boilers?

Marmaduke

No, of the police! Describe Contrary Mary to me.

Mary

She has long bobbed hair, a lovely speaking voice, but very loud. And she cries so much her cheeks are streamlined.

Marmaduke

(Taking notes) Complexion?

Mary

Fair. Just fair, and I believe at that I'm exaggerating.

Marmaduke

How was she dressed when you saw her last?

Mary

She was wearing a white fish net over black satin.... the satin was white at one time. The neck line was high with a Freddie Bartholomew collar...The back was low, sweet and lo, - there were little cream puff sleeves... with blue ribbon on the side...

Marmaduke

I don't believe --

Mary

The dress was straight to the knees, where it was gored by 8 champagne inserts to give it a waltz swing...a sort of Champagne Waltz!

Marmaduke

I don't believe I'm getting anywhere....but I am getting anywhere--anywhere away from you! (Dashes off under arch)

Bo Peep

Well, you certainly tired him out!

Mary

You don't know how glad I am to see you all, but I wish Tom Tom were here....

Boy Blue

And what about Alan? Don't you miss him?

Mary

Of course I do. Oh, if you only knew how heavy my heart is.

SONG: MARY.

(Mary and Children exeunt on number)

(GRUMIO enters from arch, carrying the head of a toy captain)

Grumio

The toy captain is busted, and now the parade is spoiled.

(JILL enters L.)

Jill

What's the matter, Grumio?

Grumio

(Pointing to head) I'll be put in jail for this. This was the wooden soldier that was to head the wooden regiment he presents to the City today... I had charge on him, and when I went to wind him up, I found someone had stolen his clothes. Let me find out who did it! That's all!

Jill

(Melodramatically)

Twas I Grumio! (Falls on knees)

Grumio

You?

Jill

Strike and avenge yourself! I took the clothes to help two old friends...

Grumio

Ah! To help old friends you ruin me! Be gone, female, and leave me to the sorrow you have brought upon me! (Throws her to the ground and steps over her)

(JANE & ALAN enter in the doll costumes and exchange surprised glances and military salutes with the other two)

Alan

(Noting Grumio's red hair)

(Aside to Jane) Looks like a bottle of Chili sauce. (Aloud) Who are you?

Grumio

The Toymaker's apprentice, who is responsible for the toys that you have broken. (Points to wooden captain's broken head)

Alan

The wooden captain? (To Jill) The toy I broke when I took these clothes off of him!

Grumio

The same. It's time for the parade, but I can't start without the wooden captain.

Alan

Well, I can't do without his clothes.

Grumio

(With sudden inspiration) Then by the way of paying for them, you might lead the parade yourself.

Alan

(Surprised)

What - me?

Grumio

That will get me out of the trouble that you have got me into. Do you think you could act like a toy soldier?

Jane

(To Alan)

Of course -- just be yourself.

Alan

Jane, I'll lead the parade, and you can look for Tom Tom.

Jane

I'm sure Tom Tom isn't here.

Alan

(To Grumio)

One word more, my one cylinder brained friend! If I get you out of this trouble, will you help us to get out of the country?

Grumio

Come to the work shop after the parade, and I'll arrange it!

Jane and Alan

How?

Grumio

Leave that to me! Just join the wooden grenadiers, they're ready to march!

Alan

(Takes Jane's hand)

Come on, we're off! (Exeunt up Left)

(BUGLE CALL.)

Jill

Oh, the parade must have started.

Grumio

Come with me and I'll get you a seat in the reviewing stand!

(JILL and GRUMIO exeunt)

THE TOY MARCH

(Big number and dance and black cut and change to Street scene.)

------------

ACT II:

SCENE II STREET SCENE:

Roderigo enters left with GONZORGO.

Roderigo

It's a cold world, Gonzorgo; unless something turns up, I shall worry myself into a stew.

Gonzorgo

Worry yourself into two stews if possible- one for me!

Roderigo

Is it true what the gypsy said, are you married now?

Gonzorgo

No, my wife passed away a year ago. The light of my life has gone, but I'd like to strike another match!

Roderigo

And here comes a possible flame! It's the Widow Piper.

Gonzorgo

My woodland fllower!--

Roderigo

Why do you call her a woodland flower?

Gonzorgo

She'll grow wild, if someone doesn't cultivate her!

Widow

(Entering right)

Have you seen anything of a young lady who answers to the name of Mary?

Roderigo

(Tenderly)

You--Bernice?

Gonzorgo

(Tenderly)

Infatuated girl, why have you followed me here?

Widow

(Recognizing them)

Oh, Master Barnaby's friends!

Roderigo

Fate has mixed us up again.

Widow

(To Gonzorgo)

Have you forgotten what Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest told me? You are married!

Gonzorgo

'Tis false, you are the only girl I ever loved. Don't seek further for a husband!

Widow

Find my daughter Mary for me and I shall consider it!

Gonzorgo

What is she like?

Widow

She's only 15, very pretty, and very brainy. Here's a description of her written on this paper. Find her and you may be lucky! (EXITS)

Gonzorgo

(To Roderigo)

If you were a young girl very pretty and very brainy, what would you do?

Roderigo

I'd enter a beauty contest.

Gonzorgo

No, I said brainy. Brains! But if she is going to marry old Barnaby, you could use her for a blue print to make an idiot!

Roderigo

Yes, old Barnaby is 45, and she's only 15. He's three times as old.

Gonzorgo

Yes and in five years he'll be fifty and she'll be 20, then he'll only be two and a half times as old.

Roderigo

Yes and in 15 years he'll be sixty and she'll be thirty then he'll only be twice as old!

Gonzorgo

How long will she have to wait before they become the same age?

Roderigo

(Reading from the paper)

The paper says she left with someone else. It reads, "The missing twain". Say, what does twain mean?

Gonzorgo

Twain, it means two!

Roderigo

What?

Gonzorgo

Two -two! Twain!

Roderigo

You're too old to be talking baby talk!

Gonzorgo

My dear Watson, this is a very baffling case.

Roderigo

Don't you know a good solution?

Gonzorgo

Yes, boracic acid, that's a good solution. Now the girl has been stolen by some desperate criminial, now let's both concentrate. Who is the worst criminal you know?

Rod. & Gon.

(Point at each other)

You!!

Marmaduke

(ENTERS) Hold! I'm searching for Contrary Mary! Taking you at your face value, you're both under arrest!

Gonzorgo

You can't arrest us, we've just been appointed detectives. I appointed him.

Roderigo

(Indicating Gonzorgo)

And I appointed him!

Marmaduke

I will now give you the third degree!

Gonzorgo

Oh good, we're going to join a lodge!

Marmaduke

Have you ever committed any crimes?

Rod. & Gon.

No! We swear it by our right hands.

(They raise their left hands)

Marmaduke

(Producing bottle)

This is truth serum wine! The liquid lie detector, quaff of it and you will tell the truth.

(Hands it to Roderigo)

You drink!

Roderigo

I'm as honest as (Drinks) --as the best bank robber and confidence man. How I laughed when I sold people shares in a Hidden Treasure....

Marmaduke

(To Gonzorgo)

And you, you drink!

Gonzorgo

You doubt my honor.

(Drinks)

Wow! I am the king of larceny and arsony. And crooked slot machines!

Marmaduke

Two very desperate cases! What was your most serious crime?

Roderigo

I worked for the EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY. I sold lottery tickets!

Gonzorgo

And I sold Stock for the Wild Cat gold mine. I worked for the Eureka, Get Rich Quick company.

Marmaduke

You are master criminals! (Takes bottle) Here's to crime! (Takes drink) ...I was THE EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY!

BLACK OUT:

(Or exit of Marmaduke, and DANCE SPECIALTY FOR Gon. and Rod.)

BLACK OUT:

-----------

SCENE III The Master Toymaker's toyshop.

WORKMEN discovered:

TOM TOM enters from door L.C.

Tom

Thanks to that friendly vine next to my prison windows, I am free! (Turns to workman.) I have a summons for the Master Toymaker from the court Royal!

Workman

You'll find him inside.

Tom

But I do not know him what does he look like?

Workman

You don't know the master toymaker? You must be a new-comer in Toyland!

Tom

I am. But my father came here when I was a lad, and many times he talked about it.

Workman

There is much to talk about here!

Tom

I remember he had many fond memories of Toyland!

NUMBER:

TOYLAND:

Tom-tom and MALE CHORUS;

(Or as vocal number)

(Enter Toymaker from door L.)

Toymaker

Well, what can I do for you? Looking for a pretty toy?

Tom

(Indignantly)

Sir! Do I look as though I came from the nursery? (Hands Toymaker document) A summons from the Court Royal to the master Toymaker.

Toymaker

(Looking at paper) Ah, yes. Say to the Prefect I'll be on hand at the appointed time. Now, run along, little boy! (TOM TOM EXITS L.C.) Max, the bill for the toys we shipped today.

Max

(Handing bill)

The consignment is ready, sir!

Toymaker

Put the goods on board at once! The captain sends word he sails immediately.

(MAX and Workman exit R. and L.C.)

(Toymaker left on stage. Bus. Places paper on the mantel-piece and goes back to the table, watches the last character off R. Hurriedly closes door, returns to table, pours contents from phial into large flask with left hand; leaving right hand free to work switch after exhibition of sparks.)

Toymaker

(Calls)

Grumio!

Grumio

(Entering) Yes, sir!

Toymaker

The secret I have sought for years still mocks me. A thousand times have I sought to find the element that makes the charm complete. Within this crystal glass, there dwells a score of demon spirits drawn by spells and incantations. There, there, is the charm that will give me dominion over the souls of evil! That I may bid them enter the toys and mannikins.

(Works flask again, JILL enters right during his motion)

Jill

(Aside)

This has nothing to do with toy making I'm sure! I must find out the secret! (Conceals herself, in cabinet up R.)

(A KNOCK L.C. Toymaker without turning)

Toymaker

Come in! (GRUMIO ENTERS L.C. FOLLOWED BY TWO MEN. One carries wine cask, the other a table with cheese, cookies, etc.)

Grumio

Here's a cask of wine sent you by an old gentleman named Barnaby!

Toymaker

(Rising, going right) Put it down, I'm in no mood for it right now! (EXITS R.) (MEN places articles and exeunt)

Grumio

I can never do anything right! (Takes cookie) I'm bewitched like the place. They say it's haunted! It does seem horrible, Maybe a little drink will steady my nerves! (Taps the wine cask and takes a drink) This place isn't half bad at that! (Takes 2nd drink) No, sir, this place is all right! (Candle drops) Ghosts! Spirits! I'd better get some spirits to fight this! (Other business follows, causing additional fright) (JILL enters from cabinet) Am I seeing things?

Jill

I'm not a thing, you remember me, I'm Jill!

Grumio

Oh, yes, two Jills make one pint, two pints make on drunk, ...

Jill

You're intoxicated.

Grumio

Don't talk like that, girls!

Jill

Girls?

Grumio

My mistake, I've had a couple of drinks.

Jill

Two drinks, and I'm girls! If you had 5 drinks I'd be quintuplets!

Grumio

You don't like me, do you?

Jill

In spite of your faults, I think you're the tops!

Grumio

I must be the top, my head is still spinning. But come, my Princess, it is gay tonight in Vienna - there is music, wine and waltzing. Will you waltz with me?

Jill

No - but if you'll come out of Vienna - I might dance with you.

(DANCING SPECIALTY, or THEY Waltz to an exit)

(WORKMEN enter with TOYMAKER)

Toymaker

What's this? Men, clear away the ruin. The scamp has been at the wine! (Examines articles on the table, as if they have been damaged. MEN exit after clearing stage.) (BARNABY looks in at L.C.)

Barnaby

Here I am according to appointment. (Coming down) Have you thought over my offer?

Toymaker

For toys that will maim and injure children?

Barnaby

Something tells me you would put your whole heart into the work.

Toymaker

(Sneeringly) Your liberality would call for that much interest.

Barnaby

Your final answer?

Toymaker

(Taking him Center) What would you say to a doll with the spirit of a fiend controlling it? Would it not be a dainty gift for a child one dislikes?

Barnaby

A doll with the soul of a demon, a master thought!

(He grasps Toymaker's hand)

Toymaker

Come back in the twilight, in the interval I'll experiment again. (Indicates table left)

Barnaby

I pray for your success. (EXITS L.C.)

Grumio

(ENTERS feigning exhaustion)

Toymaker

Aha! You scoundrel, you drank my wine, didn't you?

Grumio

No, sir, I was just testing it for you! The captain of the ship wants to see you on board at once!

Toymaker

(Impatiently) What about?

Grumio

It's something about the cargo you're sending.

Toymaker

Very well! And when I return call my attention to the fact that you are to be discharged. (EXITS.)

Grumio

Yes, sir. (Going quickly to door R.) Bring the wrappings, Jill! You men bring these crates! .....Alan and Jane will travel in style!... (Men bring in 2 packing boxes, exeunt) (ALAN & JANE ENTER L.C.)

Alan

How about us? How are you going to get us out of the country, your ship sails in an hour.

Grumio

You go as freight.

Alan

You mean as dolls?

Grumio

You'll be taken on board the ship, that's bound for your country in those. (Indicting crates)

Alan

Be sure we're marked fragile, this side up!

Jane

And I hope I'm sent F.O.B. Free of bumps!

Alan

Jane, take care of yourself!

Jane

(Steps into open crate)

Grumio

So far, so good!

(MARY enters just before Grumio can get down into crate)

Mary

Grumio, I want you to run out and match this sample.

Alan

(Aside)

It's Mary!

Mary

(Giving Grumio bit of ribbon)

Quickly, please, four yards. Bring it back at once.

Grumio

(Going reluctantly) That doll's all right. (Points to Alan) You needn't bother about him, Mam'selle.

Mary

Hurry! Hurry! (Grumio exits L.C.) (Mary looks at Alan, starts violently) Only a wooden dummy with no sense and yet he reminds me so much of Alan! (Turns right)

Alan

(Aside)

In this game I am the dummy!

Mary

(Looking at Alan)

Poor boy, it's very like him. I could almost imagine we were alone together. If he's meant for an officer, he needs something to show his rank. (Goes to work table and gets properties)

Shall I sew them on? No, it would be quicker and safer to nail them on his chest.

(Looks on table for tacks and hammer)

I might nail on a few yards of fresh gold braid while it's on my mind.

Alan

(Aside)

Your mind, oh, don't mind me!

Mary

This will do, and this- (Tries medals on Alan's coat) Dear, dear, but you are like Alan! (Angrily) I wish you were, that's all! To believe that I'd forget you for such a creature as Barnaby! Will I ever see you again? Oh Alan where are you now, I wonder! (Turns away)

Alan

(Aside)

So, you're wondering too!

Mary

Will you ever come back and say "Mary I'm dreadfully sorry I was all wrong?" And you know what I would do, I would embrace you, Alan! (Embracesm him)

Alan

(Slowly embraces her)

(She is surprised and startled)

Mary

Why, what is the matter with this machine? It must be out of order! (tries to break away)

Alan

Mary!

Mary

It is you, Alan, after all!

Alan

And now you say something like I'll forgive you Alan.

Mary

I do, I do!

Alan

And I'll say Mary I was dreadfully sorry, I was all wrong. Because you knew all the time...

Mary

Yes, I knew all the time that you loved me.

Alan

Oh, Mary! (Puts arms around her.)

SONG. NUMBER ALAN & MARY:

(After number)

Mary

But Alan, you in this costume,--what does it mean?

Alan

It means that Grumio is going to ship us home as dolls on a boat that sails in an hour or two!

Mary

In that case, where is Jane?

Alan

(Pointing to crate)

In that case!

Toymaker

(ENTERS L.C. Alan resumes a toy attitude) Getting that toy ready for shipment?

Mary

Yes, sir.

Toymaker

Something wrong with his machinery. (ALAN moves his hand automatically) I'll attend to that before he goes to Siberia.

Alan

(Aside)

Sibera!

(MAN enters with marking pot and brush, used for marking packing cases)

Mary

(Alarmed)

Oh, he doesn't go to Siberia, he's billed to--to--

Toymaker

(To working man) Cross out the address on those crates, and write these. (Handing workman also a slip of paper) Send that to his Majesty, the Sultan of Beejumbo! It's going to be a surprise for the Sultan's harem!

Alan

(Aside)

Ah, a harem!

Mary

Pardon me, sir, but aren't you getting them mixed? (Points to Alan)

Alan

(Aside)

Oh no, he isn't getting them mixed.

Toymaker

So I am. It's the Dutch Doll that goes to the Sultan. (Points to Jane's crate, and workman paints new address on it)

Mary

(Touching Alan)

This one is broken.

Toymaker

There's time to fix him. He goes by caravan tomorrow. He's bound for Kalamazooskie, Eastern Siberia.

Alan

(Aside)

Kalamazooskie sounds like a long way from home.

Toymaker

His uniform needs something.

Alan

(Aside)

If I'm going to Siberia, I need an overcoat.

Mary

But he can't be fixed inside of a week, and the Dutch Doll isn't all right, either. (Points to Jane's crate)

Toymaker

What's the matter with her?

Mary

She needs a new face.

Alan

(Aside)

I'm glad Jane can't hear that.

Mary

You can't send those wax faces to hot countries. They melt. She ought to have a wooden head like this. (Raps Alan's head) (Bus. Alan)

Toymaker

Oh I'll take the risk of sending that doll to Beejumbo.

(Two workingmen enter.)

(To men)

Put that box on the ship that sails for the far East.

(MEN carry Jane's crate off)

(Pantomines business by ALAN)

And as for that doll,

(Indicating Alan)

Within the hour, Max shall have his works spread upon the table!

(EXITS L.)

Alan

He's not going to give me the works!

Mary

Here's a dreadful fix, how is Jane going to get out of it?

(CRASH OFF STAGE L.C.)

What's that?

Alan

That's Jane always crashing in some place where she's not wanted.

Mary

We must help her. I'll run and see what I can do! (EXITS L.C.)

Alan

I'll find Grumio. Where are you Grumio, Grumio, Grumio? (Door L.3. opens, ALAN assumes toy pose, TOYMAKER enters L.3., goes to table, turns and looks towards flask)

Toymaker

Now once more to seek the missing element! It will give me dominion over the souls of evil! (Works switch, the glow appears) The light! The light! Can it be at last success!! (Turns to flash again and cries in ecstasy) I triumph! I triumph!! (Smokes appears.) The spirits of evil I bid you enter the forms I have fashioned in human shape! (TOY figures move on stage) It is true at last I have found the spell at last. They turn to me, their master! Fiends, all the fiends! (Turns to Alan) Speak, speak, you live!

Alan

Undo your work, before it is too late!

Toymaker

There is gratitude, I give you human form, I take you from the gloom, and you reproach me!

Alan

Take care, these things have only murder in their hearts.

(The dolls take threatening attitudes)

Toymaker

I do not fear them.

Alan

Look there! (Pointing to doll who approaches Toymaker with knife)

Toymaker

(Turning quickly) Ah! (Doll retreats. A murmur of defiance from the others. He shows terror) Obey, or else I'll send your souls back to the abyss from which I brought them.

Alan

You've lost. You gave them life to hate and slay and kill. And you will be their first victim!

Toymaker

No! No! No!

Alan

Your commands are vain! (Dolls advance to attack Toymaker.)

Alan

Stop, stop, I say!

FINALE:

(NOTE: POSSIBLE DANCE MACABRE USED HERE.)

(The dolls kill the Toymaker and escape)

(Alan left with the Toymaker, tries to revive him)

(Barnaby enters, and accuses Alan of killing Toymaker)

(He summons Reoderigo and Gonzorgo.)

(THEY carry the Toymaker off at signal from Barnaby. Left alone, Barnaby shows his delight at his success of schemes against Alan. The dolls appear armed with clubs, broomsticks etc. and they fall upon Barnaby, and gives him a sound beating, he howls for mercy, (see score) - on the curtain falls)

END OF ACT II.

BABES IN TOYLAND

ACT III

------

ACT III

SCENE: Court yard of the palace of Justice.

Opening March.

Tom Tom, Piper children, lady and male advocates. Populace on stage at opening. March of Court officials.

Tom Tom

(On steps R)

Hear ye! Hear ye! If one Master Alan be among ye, he is for the last time summoned to appear before the Court Royal to say why he shall not be condemned to die!

Bo-Peep

What has Master Alan done?

Tom

He is said to have slain the Master Toymaker. After his arrest he escaped.

Boy Blue

Was he alone guilty?

Tom

Many believe the Toymaker was killed by a band of strange beings who were seen rushing from the shop. The police can find no trace of them.

(Chorus exits to repeat of March. TOM TOM joins children)

Bo Peep

Oh, Tom Tom, how did Alan get himself in such a scrape?

Tom

I don't know. But it's very serious.

Riding Hood

Can we do anything to help him?

Tom

Help him in his flight, if you meet him. (ENTER JANE)

Jane

Tom Tom!

Tom

Jane! where in the world have you been?

(THEY embrace)

Jane

All over looking for you.

Tom

And I've been doing the same! What a lucky day!

Jane

For us, but not for Alan.

Tom

Poor fellow, he is in trouble. Any news of him?

Jane

None. Contrary Mary is with him and they're trying to get out of Toyland together!

Tom

Without passports that will be hard to do.

Jane

Who accuses him of the Toymaker's death?

Tom

Only your uncle Barnaby!

Jane

The wicked old man! He's taken our money, now he wants our lives!

Tom

The Toymaker was the King's favorite subject. He has ordered the Court Royal to convict him without a hearing. But I must go. The Court is in session!

Jane

I will await you at the courthouse. You won't be long?

Tom

I'll count the minutes til I'm with you. I'm so glad I have you again. (Jane throws a kiss to him and exits.)

SONG NO. Tom. "MY CASTLE IN SPAIN"

(Tom Tom exits end of song)

(After song ALAN, GRUMIO, JILL and MARY enter up R. ALAN is in comedy disguise, whiskers etc)

Alan

So far all right, nobody recognizes my disguise.

Mary

You can't blame them.

Jill

You don't look a bit like the police description.

Alan

No-one ever does.

Mary

Now for the last obstacle, the passports.

Grumio

There's the office, but the passport clerk is busy. You'll have to wait a few minutes.

Alan

Remember both of you, if anybody questions you about us, you're to be dumb!

Jill

We'll just be our own natural selves. (Joins Grumio, they exeunt left) (UNCLE BARNABY ENTERS unseen at back left, recognizes Mary and Alan)

Mary

If we get safely out of Toyland, where shall we go? (Barnaby exits R. at back)

Alan

To our home first. Then we'll get married and go abroad.

Mary

Where?

Alan

To a far away country that Jane and I visited after our shipwreck.

Mary

Is the country you're talking about a nice one for -- for young married people?

Alan

When young people marry they go to a place that's usually called Maple Heights. Because it's surrounded by willow trees.

Mary

Willow trees? We could plant a bed of onions right next to them and have weeping willows.

Alan

It's called the heights because it's on a prairie.

Mary

I know the place, the renting agents says it's five minutes from the station... that is if you travel by aeroplace.

Alan

Then a kind business man builds them a semi-colonial cottage on weekly payments. And after you've been married forty years then the Bond and Mortgage company takes it over.

Mary

And I suppose they fall in love just as we do, and they exchange all sorts of beautiful vows.

Alan

Before marriage?

Mary

And after?

Alan

It's quite the same as here and everywhere else.

SONG: "BEFORE AND AFTER":

(Dialogue after 1st verse)

Alan

So you're keeping a budget? All I brought in the last year was one necktie. You have ordered 14 dresses, four pairs of shoes, one squirrel coat, without consulting ne.

Mary

Well, I have to wear them don't I?

Alan

Yes but I have to pay for them, don't I?

Mary

No, you don't. I haven't asked you for a single cent for a whole year. I have had everything charged.

(Dialogue after 2nd verse)

Mary

How many times have I asked you not to read the newspaper at the breakfast table!?

Alan

What else is there around here interesting?

Mary

You never dared speak to me like that before we were married.

Alan

Well, before we were married you never came down to breakfast looking the way you do!

Mary

Mother always said you were a brute. Oh, why did I ever marry you?

Alan

So you're beginning to wonder too?

(Dialogue after 3rd verse.)

(Lights down. Then Alan and girl discovered at right of stage)

Girl

So your wife is always quarrelling with you?

Alan

Yes, every time I go out, she accuses me playing cards with my friends.

Girl

It was nice of you to take your secretary out, have a few cocktails and then go dancing...but how will you explain it to your wife?

Alan

There's only one way out of it - and that is to tell her the truth! Goodnight!

(LIGHTS OUT. Then Alan discovered at left with his wife)

Mary

And where have you been?

Alan

My dear I'm going to tell you the truth. I wanted a little relaxation, so I took my secretary out and we had some cocktails, and then we went to a night club.

Mary

Don't you try to fool me. You've been playing cards again!

(Slaps his face)

(ALAN & MARY EXEUNT after song)

(BARNABY ENTERS.)

(He reads from paper)

Barnaby

So Alan objects to being tried by a court of nine judges? And he petitions to ask for an appointment of fifteen. He doesn't realize it's unconstitutional.

(MARY ENTERS)

Mary

(Seeing Barnaby)

Oh, it's you, is it?

Barnaby

(Sneeringly)

It's a fine morning for a wedding, Mistress Mary.

Mary

Whose wedding?

Barnaby

Ours. I'll be short and sweet with you, Mistress Mary! There's a marriage bureau next to the court-room-- (Points off) and we'll be married there at once, or...

Mary

Or what?

Barnaby

I'll hand Alan over! (Pointing L.) He's in there. I know his disguise. In a moment the Court Royal will condemn him for killing the Toymaker.

Mary

You wouldn't betray him?

Barnaby

(Snivelling)

It's my duty! He has disgraced the family. He's an assassin! But for your sweet sake I'll let him escape.

(Mary tries to break away)

No, you won't warn him.

(GONZORGO and RODERIGO dressed as executioners, with brazier, ropes, pincers, enter from court-room with large legal document)

What you have there?

Gonzorgo

A warrant to execute Alan, your scamp of a nephew!

Barnaby

(To Mary)

You shall decide. Will you take his life, or my name?

Mary

Let me see that warrant! (Reading) Rack--hot irons--pincers for my Alan!

(Throws warrant aside)

Is it is to save Alan, I'll agree. Take me to the marriage bureau!

(Seizes Barnaby and rushes him off stage)

(ENTER JANE R. PIPER AND CHILDREN ON R. & L.)

Miss Jane

(Seeing Gon. and Rod)

Why, when did you two start out as plumbers?

Gon.

We're not plumbers, we're executioners. We know nothing about the business, it was influence and this is a political appointment.

Jane

You look like you belong to the Black legion!

Rod

We're amateurs at this rope business, but we'll soon get the hang of it!

(Exit Roderigo)

Jane

Has the court sent for you?

Gon.

It has. We shall shortly fill our first order.

NOTE: (If you do not wish to do the song "We Won't Be Happy till he gets it". And you have no number to replace this, here is the lyrics of a song which could be set to music, and beginning with 3-8 dialogue would run:)

Jane

It will be Alan. But you will be cursed if you do anything to hurt him.

Gonzorgo

Cursed? Lady, we've been cursed by hard luck all our lives.

Jane

You don't know what hard luck is. I think one of my ancestors must have been Calamity Jane!

SONG: Gonzorgo, Roderigo, and Jane

"MEET ME ON THE HARD LUCK MOON".

Gonzorgo

Oh, ever since I was a kid no matter what I said or did, You'd always find me in an awful boat,

Roderigo

And every photograph of me off in the background you would see Somebody always leading off my goat.

Gonzorgo

I'm great big mister easy mark, and life for me has been no lark I'm quite unhappy, sad as I can be.

Jane

Good luck for me has been real slow, and I have had my share of woe, Just like an undertaker's jubilee.

Chorus:

Meet me under the hard luck moon,

Down by the lemon tree.

Where the blackbirds keep on singing,

Hoodoo songs off key.

Where skies are blue,

And breezes sigh,

In such a mournful tune,

We'll have a grand old kill-joy time,

Under the hard luck moon.

(All three dance with ENSEMBLE.)

Jane

It will be Alan. Boys and girls, this coward will kill Alan. Don't let him. (Pipers threaten Gonzorgo)

Simon

We won't. We will never let you live to do this.

Gonzorgo

Young man, don't you dare lay hands on an officer of the law!

Jane

Prepare a chair for him. (Gonzorgo is placed on high chair) We are going to make it warm for you.

Song: NUMBER:

"HE WON'T BE HAPPY TILL HE GETS IT."

(With possible Specialty of Gon, Rod. and Jane.)

(Jane and Pipers with Chorus. All exit at the end of Number)

(Enter Barnaby followed by Mary)

Barnaby

Now, Mrs. Barnaby, we'll hear your sweetheart's sentence.

Mary

I've just heard mine. (ENTER ALAN with crowd. Enter TOM TOM on stage of house)

Tom

(Reading from document)

Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court Royal herewith finds the outlaw, Alan, guilty of the Master Toymaker's death and orders that he be executed in the manner prescribed by law, when found....

Barnaby

I'll do my duty as a good citizen and a relative as well. There is the criminal!

(Tears whiskers from Alan's face. A general start and exclamation)

Alan

Who is this villain?

Barnaby

Your unhappy uncle! Take him, he has disgraced me enough. Now, let the sentence be carried out.

Tom

Wait!

Alan

Yes, wait!

(To Barnaby)

You give me back my whiskers!

(Tries to seize them)

Tom

(Reads)

I have not finished. He shall be executed in the manner prescribed by the law when found--unless he takes advantage of the law which gives every condemned man the right to plead the benefit of widow."

Mary and Alan

The benefit of widow?

Tom

An ancient law of Toyland, meant to assist deserving class of subjects.

Alan

What is the benefit of widow?

Tom

Any widow, may claim a condemned man for her second husband, and he shall be free as long as he supports said widow and saves her from becoming a charge upon the state.

Alan

And may the victim choose the widow?

Tom

Some have preferred the gallows. Do you claim the benefit?

Alan

(Moves toward Mary)

No, I'll die rather than marry anybody but Contrary Mary.

Barnaby

(Grinning)

If you mean Mrs. Barnaby, you're a little bit late.

Alan

(Astonished)

You? Mrs. Barnaby?

Mary

Alan, he recognized you, but he swore to let you escape if I married him at once!

Alan

I'll plead that benefit. Bring on your widows. I'll marry and live!

Tom

Let the court heralds summon the widows of our city.

Mary

(To Alan)

Courage, somebody will surely choose you.

Alan

It's so undignified. I feel like a prize at a grab bag party.

Tom

Don't despair, old man, some widow will surely find you worth taking.

Mary

(Indignantly)

You needn't speak of him as though he were a marked down remnant.

Alan

To think that we're parted forever!

Mary

Not forever. (Looking at Barnaby) The joyful day may soon arrive when they'll expect me to wear crape for that!

Alan

A joyful day indeed! I'll ride with you in the first carriage, and on the way to the cemetary I'll propose to you!

Barnaby

Then here's where I give up smoking and go in for physical culture. As soon as I've engaged places on the coach, my dear, we'll depart upon our honeymoon. (EXITS L. chuckling) Remember, the sentence will be carried out if a widow does not choose you in fifteen minutes.

Alan

Don't worry. I'm liable to be killed in the rush! (EXIT CHORUS)

Tom

I'll hurry them along. (EXITS UP R)

Alan

All right. Tell the widows I'm the latest thing in imported husbands!

Mary

Alan, will you do me a teeny-weeny favor? As you've got to marry in order to live, I wish you'd marry to please me.

Alan

How can I marry somebody else to please you?

Mary

Don't marry anybody who'll make you forget me.

SONG. NO.

(If required)

(If used or not used then continue)

Mary

But remember, if a dashing widow should claim you, don't accept.

Alan

No.

Mary

But if one with a bad temper, and a squeaky voice should claim you, it would make me feel very restful.

Alan

How about me, I need a little rest myself.

Mary

Every time you looked at her, I know you'd think of me!

(TOM TOM ENTERS RIGHT)

Tom

The merry widows are here, although they are not all so merry.

Mary

Are they pretty?

Tom

They're a group of dreams.

Mary

I'll leave you. Remember, nothing attractive, nothing that will take me from your thoughts! For one second. (EXITS L)

(To a strain of MUSIC the WIDOWS ENTER.)

Tom

Here they are, my boy! Now turn on your best personality.

Alan

If they're going to propose to me, I won't know what to say, except this is all so sudden.

Tom

Don't hesitate, girls. The one who speaks first gets him. (Xes into Courthouse.)

Alan

Well, ladies, the auction bargain sale is going to begin. Here I am, the answer to any widow's prayer. Will anyone start off the bidding. (Turns to first.) How about you, lady?

1st Widow Woman

Do you think that all marriages are happy?

Alan

All marriages are happy, it's the living together after marriage that causes all the trouble.

1st Widow

Before we were married, my husband said he would die for me. And after marriage he was kind enough to do it!

Alan

Ah! Lady Dracula speaking! I hope I don't get an offer from you.

2nd Widow

My next husband must be strong, silent, full of grit, -- able to bear the burden of the day! He will not hear a word said about me, and he will utter no unkind word.

Alan

What you want is a deaf and dumb coal heaver!

3d Widow

When I was married I didn't do as well as I expected. And to tell you the truth I don't think he did either. I've been married twice, but I think every widow's entitled to her third.

Alan

I think you're frank anyway, and you seem to have an even temper.

3d Widow

Yes, my temper's even, always the same --very nasty!

Alan

I believe you're deliberately falsifying it. How did your last husband happen to die?--

3rd Widow

Oh, I suppose he thought it was the best way out!

Alan

I hope you don't claim me. (Turns to 4th) How about you, lady?

4th Widow

The first month I was married, we lived in a bungalow, called "Ye Lovey Dovey Cot"

Alan

I suppose you changed that afterward to "Ye Battling Arena".

5th Widow

My husband was a dentist with a sense of humor. But he pulled too many good ones.

Alan

He must have been very easily tickled.

5th Widow

Yes, he was so ticklish, he couldn't touch his ribs - he had to have them dry-cleaned. But he left me a large fortune.

Alan

Step into my office, I want to talk to you. (Takes her aside.) (Converses pantomine)

(Widows surround Alan, and he walks to steps, they follow him)

I'll take all your offers into consideration. And you may hear from me later. -- But I doubt it. (EXITS into court house)

1st Widow

The trouble with you merry widows is, you make love in slow waltz time. You'd better all pop up and start to swing.

DANCE NUMBER BY MERRY WIDOWS.

(THE MERRY WIDOW WALTZ played in swing-time)

(This was done by Abe Lyman and Paul Whiteman and is very effective)

(They dance to an exit)

(TOM TOM ENTERS followed by Alan from court house)

Tom

Gone! Alan, the widows have gone without claiming you!

Alan

Guess I didn't appear to be as advertised. (Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up L)

Gon.

(With pincers)

Shall we proceed?

Tom

Wait till I return. There's one more chance! (EXIT up R)

Gonzorgo

(To Roderigo)

(Aside) I wonder if he'll help us.

Roderigo

Try him.

Gonzorgo

(To Alan)

We're in a very embarrassing position.

Roderigo

And you only can save us from becoming perfectly ridiculous. When we start to execute you, everybody is liable to laugh at us.

Alan

I won't!

Gonzorgo

If they find we're not regular executioners, we'll lose the job.

Alan

How can I help you?

Gonzorgo

Since you've got to leave this cold, hard world, will you allow us to send you our way? (Touching warrant) It'll be so much pleasanter than this.

Alan

I'll go your way.

Roderigo

Wise boy. Now what would you like in the way of a farewell luncheon. It'll be your very last. Have anything you like.

Alan

I'd like a dish of strawberries.

Rod.

But strawberries won't be in season for 6 months!

Alan

That's all right, I'll wait.

Rod.

No, now is your time. But I can give you a glass of strawberry wine.

Gon.

With a dash of this in it.

(Shows black phial)

Alan

(Taking phial)

Why, it's poison!

Rod.

Four drops of that in your wine...

Gon.

Just before you start for the scafford...

Rod.

And you'll go into a dreadless sleep.

Alan

Go ahead! I haven't anything to lose. Except my life. (JUDGES, Attendants, widows chorus enter. Jane also)

Jane

Alan, are you living yet?

Alan

Yes, but in a few minutes, I will be not yet. (TOM TOM ENTERS UP R. with WIDOW PIPER)

Tom

Stop! Here's another widow! Mother, make Alan our step-father and save his life!

Piper Children

Go ahead ma!

Widow Piper

I can't. It's too late. I'm married.

Tom

Married? You said you'd never marry anybody but a hare!

(ENTER MARMADUKE. HE GOES TO WIDOW)

Widow

And here he is!

Mary

And what made him a hare?

Widow

He dined at a night club, and he dared to go without tipping the waiter. (BARNABY enters)

Barnaby

Now, Mary my dear--what's this?

Alan

The end of your nephew.

Barnaby

Too bad, too bad. I'm very sorry. (ALL turn away from him) It was my duty. I had to do it. I really had to...Such treatment is hard to bear... (His eyes fall on the tray with the wine glass) Without help. At such a time as this I need encouragement. (Taking glass, drains it) Oh! Oh!

(ALL turn. HE falls into the arms of Gonzrgo and Roderigo... who carry him off stage)

All

What's the matter?

Alan

He has drunk the wine that was intended for me.

(TOM TOM ENTERS)

Tom

Mrs. Barnaby you're a widow!

All

A widow?

Tom

Excessive grief has taken Uncle Barnaby from us.

Mary

Then Alan is saved! I am a widow, and under your laws I claim him as my husband!

Alan

Mary!

FINALE.

END OF PLAY.

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Cast List

Table of Contents

Act 1: Scene 1

Act 1: Scene 2

Act 1: Scene 3

Act 2: Scene 1

Act 2: Scene 2

Act 2: Scene 3

Act 3: Scene 1