BABES IN TOYLAND
A Musical Comedy in
Book & Lyrics by Glen MacDonough
Music by Victor Herbert
Produced 13 Oct. 1903, at the Majestic Theatre in New York,
but this is a later version [undated].
UNCLE BARNABY, A rich miser.
ALAN, His nephew.
JANE, His niece.
THE WIDOW PIPER, A lonely widow with fourteen children.
TOM TOM, Her eldest son.
CONTRARY MARY, Her eldest daughter.
HILDA, A maid of all work for the Piper family.
RED RIDING HOOD, and etc.
THE GIANT SPIDER
THE MASTER TOY MAKER
GRUMIO, His assistant.
INSPECTOR MARMADUKE, Of the Toyland Police.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
Scene I: Country fete in Contrary Mary's garden.
" 2: A Garden Wall.
" 3: A Spider's Forest.
Scene I: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.
" 2: A Street in Toyland.
" 3: The Master Toymaker's Workshop.
The Courtyard of the Toyland Palace of Justice.
SCENE I: The scene shows the garden of Contrary
Mary near the Widow Piper's home. A
cask of ale and decorations and
pennats and bunting suggest a fete.
A party of peasants as the scene is revealed.
No. 1. -- Country Dance and
entrance of the Chorus.
UNCLE BARNABY enters at the end of the
dance, smirking and bowing right and
left. The peasants snub him.
Enjoy yourselves, enjoy yourselves, my dear friends. I am
delighted to see you so happy. Are the Piper children here -
and especially Contrary Mary?
No, Master Barnaby, Mary didn't come to the Fete.
That's strange, I'm giving it to please her -- and to make you
all a little fonder of me.
Why, are you our host?
(To the crowd)
Only yesterday he seized poor old Mother Hubbard's house and
turned her into the road, all for a debt of a few shillings!
(Crowd jeer at Barnaby)
(To the crowd)
Let's finish the afternoon by putting Barnaby under the town
(Start to take Barnaby away. TOM TOM ENTERS UP R.)
Hi! Tom Tom, just in time!
(Coming down C.)
(Rushing to Tom)
To save me from the town pump! Stop 'em, my boy, stop 'em,
don't let 'em hurt your future brother-in-law!
(At C. laughing)
What you? Which of my sisters had caught your miserly eye?
It's Mary --willful, but entrancing Mary!
YOU want to marry Contrary Mary? You might as well try to turn
off the sun and blow out the stars!
But let him go, friends, as a favor to me! We may be relatives
(Goes down L.)
Ah! Then there's hope for me with Contrary Mary?
Not a gleam, but some day, you may be my uncle-in-law!
(With pretended grief)
If you mean my niece Jane? She and Alan are at the bottom of the
(Mopping eyes with handkerchief)
They'll never come back to their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby!
(TOM TOM goes up stage)
And what's their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby going to do
with their fortune?
(CROWD again gathers around Barnaby)
I'm keeping it for them --the law forces me to do tat.
Trust you to take good care of money. You skinflint! But you'll
be wise if you take better care to keep out of our way hereafter.
(They all jeer and threaten him)
(BARNABY is chased off up R.)
(He exits, followed by Jill & all)
(TOM picks up his staff and bundle from steps of house.
HILDA enters from house left.)
Master Tom Tom where are you going?
Hilda, I'm going to find the girl I'm in love with - Jane.
Old Barnaby's niece? ---
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up right)
But wasn't she lost at sea with her brother Alan?
Old Barnaby says so, and that's why I don't believe it.
(Dropping down to him)
But me and my sad faced companion can prove it. We were the
sole survivors of the wreck.
I was in charge of the ship, my name is Gonzorgo.
(Pointing to Roderigo.)
This is my mate and friend to boot.
Yes, friend to boot!
We swear by our right hands
(They raise left hands)
everyone was lost on the ship but us.
I don't think they're telling the truth!
Nor do I!
(Looking instantly at both of them)
I remember seeing you two some place before, where was it?
You don't by any chance go in for the three B's do you?
Yes, the three B's. Bridge, Bank Nite and Bingo!
(Pointing at Gonzorgo)
I saw you at the Village Fair. You were running the carasel.
And you offered to wager you could pick the horse that would come
You can't accuse us of cheating, it must have been two other
scoundrels. Defend yourself!
(Attacks TOM, who parries with his staff and knocks
Gon's sword from his hand as WIDOW PIPER ENTERS from the
(Running to her)
Oh, Mrs. Piper, you're just in time!
(Coming down C.)
Tom, don't be rude to the gentleman!
Madam, is he your little boy?
Yes, he is the black sheep of our family -- but I love him!
He can't be the white-haired boy and still a black sheep.
Maybe she's color blind.
Because of that, I spare him.
(Picks up sword, TOM & HILDA GO UP STAGE)
Accept the blessings of a lonely widow!
(Elbowing Roderigo away)
Have you been lonely long?
(Pointing to Tom.)
And have you only the white-haired black sheep to love?
No, he has 13 sisters and brothers who need a father's care.
That's a lot of work for one caretaker.
Fourteen children! And -
(Points to house)
Is this where you call the Convention to order?
Yes, Mr. Piper left us very well off. And this is our cottage.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo look at each other)
(Turns to Widow)
I adore the country, don't you?
Did you ever try to rent an apartment in the City with 14
And when the nestlings have all flown away, have you ever thought
of mating once again?
Well, of course I've had my moments. Will you gentlemen enter
and partake of some refreshments?
Gon. & Roderigo
Will we!? We will.
I married once for money. If I wed again, it will have to be
an artist, a poet, or a hero.
I'm not an expert accountant, but did you say you had 14
Your second husband would have to be a hero.
(The THREE EXEUNT into house left)
I'll look for the children, Master Tom, and tell them you're
Thank you, Hilda.
(HILDA exits up Left)
(BO PEEP enters right, dejectedly)
Why, sister Bo Peep, you have the saddest face I've ever seen.
I missed most of the party, because I lost my sheep.
That's nothing for you to feel sheepish about - don't cry,
little Bo Peep, don't cry.
(TOM, BO PEEP, PIPER CHILDREN & CHORUS.)
(During the song, JILL and OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)
I've just found out why old Barnaby is paying for this party.
He wants everybody on hand to hear his engagement announcement.
Engagement? To whom?
Oh, Mary hasn't gone and done a dreadful thing like that?
Not yet. But mother's set on the match, and is going to
announce the engagement anyway.
(ALL express anger)
Let Barnaby keep his old party! I'm going back to tidy up the
(Starts up L. to exit. Others stop her.)
Party! He can't buy us with lemonade and chocolate eclaires,
can he girls?
(JILL sits on stage down L.C.)
I hope all of you will keep out of trouble till I get back.
(Starts up Right)
Away this very hour to look for Jane!
(One of the Piper children)
Do keep out of that awful forest! They say there's a veil in
it filled with spiders.
I will, Little Miss Moffett, no spiders for you eh? I know how
tough it was on the tuffet.
I don't like to see spiders. When you've seen one of them
you've seen them all.
Well I'm off on my hunt for Jane. Who'll go as far as the turn
of the road with me?
(Starts up right)
(HILDA ENTERS from house left, with small package in hand)
Wait, Master Tom, you mustn't go around the world hungry.
Here's a box of sandwiches with jelly and pickle.
Thank you, Hilda. And good-bye! Come along, boys and girls.
(EXITS with ALL except HILDA and Jill)
(Waving to Tom)
Goodbye! Goodbye! Just think, he's leaving his native home
land. He'll be like a man without a country. What can be
worse than that!
Nothing "except a country without a man".
He's going around the world to find his sweetheart.
(JANE ENTERS up L. in gypsy boy's costume)
And everybody knows that Jane is under the ocean.
Everybody except Jane!
You? It isn't you, is it?
Hilda, it simply can't be anybody else!
He stopped to pin up a tear in his skirt.
After the shipwreck, our clothes were in tatters-- but we met a
band of gypsies that gave us what clothing they could spare.
And we had to arrange it thus.
(Pointing off L.)
And here's Alan, a regular gypsy!
(ALAN ENTERS dressed as a gypsy girl with tambourine
swinging from waist.)
Hilda and Jill! Would you know me?
Never, Alan, if I hadn't been told.
I am Floretta - until further notice--Floretta, the Fawn of the
How is our Uncle Barnaby?
Your Uncle Barnaby is well.
And Contrary Mary?
Still waiting for a certain young man to come back from being
(Goes up R)
Just started to find you. Quick! If he hasn't gone too far, we
can catch him!
(Points off R)
Don't go away, Alan, and look out for the Widow Piper.
Remember you're not too popular, with Mary's mother.
Hilda and Jill, let's hurry!
(HILDA, JILL & JANE EXEUNT quickly up right)
(THE WIDOW PIPER ENTERS FROM house)
Ah. here you are now!...I mean, do you want your palm read?
A gypsy! Yes I will have my fortune told. Can you tell fortunes?
Better than an income tax collector. I peek into the future
at 25 cents a peek.
(WIDOW gives Alan money)
There, peek for me!
(Looks at her hand)
Your name is Piper! You've had an unfortunate marriage.
Can you tell that by the lines in my hand?
No, by the lines under your eyes. Your husband is dead. He was
not very handsome, he had A. & P. eyes. One eye faced the
Atlantic and one eye faced the Pacific. You have a daughter
named Mary. She should marry a young man whose name begins with
A. He has a lovely character, is charming, gifted and attractive.
If you're talking about a wretched, no-account young fool named
Alan, you're all wrong.
No, I am -- that is he is -a character every one could love.
I'd even love him myself,-- that is, if I knew him.
I don't think this is such a very good reading.
I could do better with tea leaves....if you could bring me a
cup of tea....and perhaps some hot biscuits...I also read the
future by hot buttered biscuits.
Go ahead, Gypsy, and tell me more about myself.
(Gonzorgo enters from house.)
I have two suitors - which shall I marry?
I must see them first.
(Widow points to Gonzorgo)
Well, if that is one, I'd advise you to take the other.
What have we here, a gypsy?
Yes. Let her read your hand.
I give you my hand, to find out if she-
Will give me her hand.
But first you must take off your glove.
I'm not wearing gloves, my hands are sunburned.
(Examining his hand)
Yes, expecially the palms.
(Looks in hand)
Oh, I can't go on! After you've had your hands read will
your face be red!
I know you see there a mad love and devotion.
Yes, I can see you returning home at night and this lady
with her fourteen children, waiting to greet you on the
Yes, and your present wife and triplets waiting for you on
the back porch!
Gonzorgo! You! You are married?
Well, yes, and no!
He has a wife. And his wife's feet are always so tired, her
toes want to turn in!
Dost doubt Gonzorgo?
She dosts, and the sooner you dust the better.
You don't know what a service you've done me, you've torn the
mask from his face. Thank you so much, thank you so much,
Floretta, the Fawn!
(EXITS INTO HOUSE)
(Turning to Alan)
So, you are the Fawn! --Well, there goes my deer and my doe!
You are a gypsy with the accent on the gyp.
(EXITS into house)
Not bad, for the Fawn of the forest.
(HILDA & JANE enter up R)
We couldn't find Tom Tom.
If you need any clothes the children have plenty to spare.
(Female chorus begins to enters)
(JANE remains on)
Get me some boys togs. I feel it would be well for Floretta to
(HILDA EXITS into house L.)
Perhaps a fortune-teller!
Do you tell fortunes?
Do I? It was destined by the stars that I was to be a fortune-
teller. My father was born under the sign of the crab,
and I was born under the sign of the bull. I can tell you
everything except the size of the National debt.
(ALAN and singing CHORUS all exeunt after song)
(EIGHT DANDIES ENTER RIGHT.)
I don't see anything of her anywhere.
Contrary Mary always works at her garden at this house.
(HILDA enters from house)
Is Miss Mary at home?
No, she's at school. She's taking a course in domestic silence.
You mean domestic science.
No, she's going to cooking school.
We merely dropped in to inquire about her garden.
It's doing very well, thank you.
(BO PEEP AND OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)
Oh, look, aren't you Mary's Beaux?
There's quite a crowd to see Mary.
And I just love crowds!
I'm glad to see you all collectively. Won't you make
yourselves at home?
Mary, is it true that you are going to marry?
Of course I'm going to marry....
That is - some day! I don't know when or to whom!
Can't you make a choice now?
Yes, each one of us is proposing to you.
I'll consider your offer. But here's what I expect from the
man I could really love.
(Cho. of Dandies and Children,
(All exeunt on number except MARY. Enter BARNABY up right
with large bouquet.)
Here, pretty one, is a bunch of pretty blosoms, and I only
wish they were as pretty as you.
(Takes bouquet indifferently)
I've hidden a tender little note in that bouquet. I'll go away
and let it speak for me.
Oh, say it yourelf, and have it over with!
(Pulling bench on R)
(They sit on bench)
Don't be cruel, Mary. Won't you marry me?
(Takes her hand)
I know the bloom is no longer on my cheek---
Pardon me, but there's nothing wrong with your cheek.
You may be treating me this way in the hopes that Alan will
come back and marry you. Take my word for it, you'll never
see him again.
(Throws bouquet away)
How I wish I could say the same of you.
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO enter from house)
Here's proof! The very men in whose tender care I placed my
niece and nephew. Now do you believe me?
I'll neither believe you nor marry you!
(Starts toward house)
Not if you were the last man on earth! Not if you gave me steam
yachts - castles, or the richest jewelry. My foot is down!
That foot -- the other foot -- both feet!
(Exits into house)
Well, are you ready to settle with your silent partners?
I don't understand you.
You can hear us, even if we are your silent partners.
And here's what we want to broadcast to you. How about our
contract to get rid of your niece and nephew?
What have you done with Jane and Alan?
They are now playing harps with Saint Pete and his golden Gaters.
We chartered an old dilapidated schooner and we lured Alan
and Jane on board, we told them it was the show boat.
The boat was an old dilapidated wreck that we christened
"Static". We knew the schooner would soon be under the foam.
The weather bureau said it would be clear weather but we knew
they were wrong as usual. Soon it began to rain - it rained
cats and dogs, - I know because I stepped in several poodles.
We knew if the storm struck -- the waves would strike -- and the
crew would go on a sit-down strike. Well, IT did - - they did --
and we did. Down went the hull of the Ship.
You mean the whole of the ship.
Hull or whole- what is a little pronunciation among friends?
The ship sank! And everyone but us two are now sleeping on
the ocean bed with oysters as pillows.
(Barnaby suddenly begins to sob)
What are you crying for?
I've seen the last of my little charges.
And now you'll see the first of ours.
My little charges for disposing of your little charges.
(Hands bill to Barnaby)
For scuttling one ship.
What part of it did you do?
I was 1st vice-president in charge of the scuttle department.
Follow me down to my office, I am the manager of the T.C.N.P.U.
--Finance Company. There is much money in my vault.
The T.C.N.P.U. finance company? What does the T.C.N.P.U. stand
They Can Never Pay Up!
(All three exeunt right)
(JANE & ALAN ENTER in school children's dress, from
Remember Jane, when we meet Mary, two is company, and three -
is a conference.
Don't worry. I know when I'm not wanted.
(Sees bouquet left by Barnaby. Picks it up)
What a pretty bouquet!
(Sniffs at it)
M'm. How sweet!
(Hands it to Alan)
Wonder where it came from. What's this?
(Takes card from heart of bouquet)
(Glances at it)
(Throws bouquet away angrily, reads card)
"To darling Mary". "From her future husband."
Oh, Alan! In your absence have you been jilted?
I'll never speak to her again!
(Backing in from house and calling off)
I won't dress for the party, I won't! I won't!
(Signals to Jane, who exits)
(With a sudden change of manner)
How do you do, Miss Piper?
Very well, thank you. Don't you think we need rain?
Yes--a change. Some people can't get along with change.
(Pointing to bench)
Won't you sit down?
(They sit stiffly)
I haven't seen you for some time.
You've been away, haven't you?
Have you really noticed it?
It just occurred to me.
I think I need something around me.
I think I need something around me.
I heard what you said.
(Slides to other end of bench)
Alan, I don't understand such behavior.
Better ask your future husband to explain it!
My future husband? Who is he?
Who is he? Is this a guessing contest?
What do you mean?
(Rises - going L.C.)
You're somebody's darling, an old man's darling, perhaps a nice
lovely old man with millions!
Oh, don't you think you're smart?
There's my reason.
(Shows card he has taken from bouquet)
It isn't so! I don't know who wrote this, and you're just horrid
to believe it!
I've got to believe my eyes.
You believe your eyes before you believe me? Then I've found
you out in time. You never loved me--and--don't you dare to ever
speak to me again!
I heard what you said.
Oh, did you? Well, this time it is goodbye forever!
And when I say forever I mean definitely! Goodbye!
(Looks at Alan, exits into house.)
(JANE enters up L.)
What did Mary do to you, Alan?
She didn't do anything to me, but she loves somebody else.
I'm going to take my part of the fortune Uncle Barnaby is keeping
for us, and go far far away!
I'll get my money from him too, and I'll go with you.
I don't know, don't you?
Let's get a map and stick a pin in it, and whever the pin
sticks, we'll go!
I've got a pin.
I have one too.
(BARNABY ENTERS RIGHT)
(Barnaby sees them, is startled)
What is this--why--?
We're glad to see you.
And we want our money.
Ghosts, they can't be alive, ghosts!! Take them away!
Will you pay us our money?
No, no, you are dead. Go away! Ghosts!
We'll show you how alive we are. Present arms!
(He and Jane draw pins.)
(They start after Barnaby with pins and he runs in terror
(As they chase him off BLACK OUT)
(As in original or
Alan & Jane remain on
as Barnaby rushes off)
We almost stuck him for the money.
Are you still going to travel?
Yes. Although we'll be homeless rovers on
We're too little trailers
And no parking space any place have we found.
Without any definite home.
We're two birds of passage -
Where can we light?
And where is the nest - we can rest for the night?
But it's all right wherever we're bound
Two trailers just trailing around.
(LIGHTS DIMMER DOWN on them and Change to Scene II)
CHANGE OF SCENE
SCENE II: Garden well
(Alex or Etc.)
(GONZORGO & RODERIGO enter right.)
Was that the widow Piper who slammed the door in our faces?
Yes, it was. Thanks to that gypsy, what was her name gypsy --?
No, no, she was a gypsy Fawn. Not a gypsy Bear
(ENTER BARNABY LEFT)
Have you brought our pay?
Pay? You haven't earned it yet. Jane and Alan have returned.
Nothing. They think it was all an accident. While they still
trust us we must try again to -to remove them.
I've told them I bought a new country house while they were
away, and you two must take them there tonight, but the road
to it leads thru the Spider's Forest.
(They exchange knowing glance)
Business detains me in the village. In the depth of the forest
you will accidentally lose the children.
It's a deadly place. I've heard of it.
Alive with dangers--small chance the children will ever come
out of it.
I don't think so.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo, together)
I don't think so many dangers are there....that is, for you.
But when we have carried out the designs, we expect to be paid
Yes, it's strictly a cash and carry proposition.
Don't worry about the money, I'll fetch the children here, and
remember everything is on the q.t.
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO tog. in rhythm)
Gon & Rod.
On the Q.T. On the Q.T.
If we get our dough- re- mi--
Only so fa -for the dough
Ray me fa so la si do!
(They do DANCE OFF.)
(OR SPECIALTY DANCE)
(BOY BLUE looks cautiously over the garden well.)
Come on, the lawn is empty.
(BO PEEP looks over the wall)
Hurry up Mary, now's your chance!!
(MARY looks over wall)
Do you know where you're going?
As far from old Barnaby as I can get. And if I never come
back, you can have my Shirley Temple doll.
Oh, don't talk that way!
(Mary climbs down the wall assisted by the vine and boy
BLUE and Bo Peep)
Careful -slowly--there you are!
Hand down my baggage, please.
(They hand her a canary bird cage with bird in it;
a shopping bag, a big music roll; a camera, and a
little pink parasol)
Boy Blue and Bo Peep
Boy Blue, you won't forget to feed the guinea pigs?
Goodbye! And don't forget to give some little pieces of cheese
to my little mice, Mickey and Minnie. And take care of my
(starts to go. Rushes back again)
(They hand the overshoes to her. MARY EXITS L. to general
chorus of goodbyes)
Tom Tom and Mary gone in one day! Mother will be pleased!
There she is, coming in the front way with the children.
Not a word!
(After "not a word")
Here comes somebody!
(All start to dodge down.)
(Bo Peep stays)
(JANE ENTERS R)
Oh, it's only Jane!
Only me. Where are the rest of the children?
Getting ready for school.
I just despise it. Why, I'd rather get married than to go to
Where are you all now?
Still in the primary. It's the nasty arithmetic that's keeping
us back. Look at those sums we've got for today.
(Drops book to Jane)
Where the leaf is turned down.
Red Riding Hood
Come on boys and girls, Jane is going to do our sums for us!
(Sits on wall other Piper children do the same)
I can't do that sum!
(JANE and all)
SONG NO. 7. or 7-a.
"I CAN'T DO THAT SUM". Jane and Ensemble.
(JANE EXITS ON NUMBER.)
(ALL EXIT on number)
Now, Alan, my boy, you're going to my new home with Jane--
(ENTER GONZORGO AND RODERIGO L)
--and these friends of mine.
Here's Jane, I'll tell her.
(JANE RE-ENTERS R)
Jane, we're going to Uncle Barnaby's new home!
A little journey, and these fellows are to take us.
(Indicates Gon. and Rod.)
They'll see you safely there, and I'll follow.
We're ready. And tomorrow I want my share of my fortune!
We'll tend to that when you see me in the morning.
(Looking at Gon and Rod)
If those men had long beards--
I know. You'd think they were the villains who lured us on
It wasn't us. I wouldn't harm a hair in anyone's head -- not
even Joe Louis'.
And I have an alibi. See my laywers, O'Brien, O'Rafferty,
O'Reilly, and O'Cohen.
(THEY take Jane and Alan's arms, Jane and Alan
Jane & Alan
(JANE ALAN GONZORGO & RODERIGO Exeunt left)
And you will never see me again. Goodbye. Goodbye.
SCENE III Spider's Forest.
Specialty with Animal number. To open
scene, (Possibly the kitchen pirates)
ENTER JANE & ALAN.
Rest here. This is a good place.
(Leading her to mouth of Bear's den)
There's a spider's web.
With a white moth in it.
Poor thing! -as badly tangled up in that web as we are in
these woods! Do set it free.
(Alan releases the moth)
There it goes, flying for dear life.
I wish we could fly too!
I wish we could, for I can't walk!
Then we'll rest a while.
(Sits beside Jane)
Try to sleep a bit.
Frightened! Ha, ha! What's that?
I don't know.
Nothing at all. Don't worry I'm here to protect you!
Come, let's go over here and take a little nap.
Yes, I'm so, so tired!
(Leading her off to one side)
Yes, yes, we'll take a little sleep.
(They lie down)
Sleep, sleep...a little peaceful sleep.
(They doze off.)
END OF ACT I.
BABES IN TOYLAND
SCENE: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.
TOYLAND FAIR WALTZ:
(At the end of the number Barnaby and Widow Piper enter
from arch up L.C. HILDA from down R)
Mary's in Toyland, I'm sure of that, and we'll not go home
again till we find her.
A fine dance she has lead us for three weeks!
A love-chase for me.
Never mind, we'll make her Mrs. Barnaby yet.
With the aid of Isnpector Marmaduke!
(MARMADUKE enters from arch, unseen by others)
The leading detective of Toyland.
You have sent for Marmaduke and he is here!
Can you find Contrary Mary?
You have sent for me because you cannot find her yourself!
He's a regular mind-reader!
Do you think you can run her down?
A well-bred detective never runs a lady down.
Mary was the apple of my eye. She has lips like cherries
and cheeks like peaches.
(Writing in note-book)
Wanted--a female with a face like a fruit store. Would you
like to take her dead or alive?
Alive for choice. She's to be my wife, you know.
Must she marry you?
Barnaby & Widow
And does she know it?
Barnaby & Widow
We'll begin with looking in the river.
(Exit down L. with Widow and Barnaby)
(TOMTOM ENTERS from arch)
My, but your Ma's mad at you and Mary!
Where is mother? Not here in Toyland?
Here with your brothers and sisters and old Barnaby.
Don't say you've seen me.
I'm employed as Court Crier to the Court Royal, and Mary is
a doll's dressmaker at the Master Toymaker's workshop, under
the name of Mlle. Elisette.
Who's the Master Toymaker?
A great person here. He sets the fashion in dolls and toys
for all the world.
Barnaby has just engaged Inspector Marmaduke to hunt for
Follow me, we'll go to her and warn her!
(BOTH EXEUNT up L.)
(MARMADUKE re-enters down R)
(JAKE and ALAN enter from arch)
Strangers! Where did you come from?
We know where we come from, but we don't where we've
got to. We were lost in a forest at our home, and after many
adventures, reached a strange sea coast. A passing vessel
brought us here, and we don't care how soon another takes us
This is Toyland.
Toyland? Were you made in Germany or Connecticut?
I'm not a dummy. I'm a detective.
What's the difference?
Do you know Contrary Mary, I'm looking for her?
(JAKE & ALAN nod)
Tell me what she wore the last time you saw her.
(Produces note book)
A blue and white polka-dot dress.
You'll be sure to find her now.
A polka-dot dress is always spotted.
If I could only find Tom Tom, I wouldn't care.
Do you know Tom Tom?
Is it anything like Contract?
No, he's a young man - very very handsome...and he has the
grandest eyes and teeth and the most sensitive ears --
I'm not in the least interested.
Of course everybody doesn't call him Tom Tom.
No, especially those who don't know him.
His family name was Piper, so to strangers he is Mr. Piper,
but he is very very handsome, and he has the grandest eyes
and teeth, and the most sensitive ears.
But I haven't sensitive ears.
(Rushes off under arch.)
(GIRLS BEGIN TO ENTER DURING preceding speech)
Wait, I want to tell you more about Tom Tom.
(Looking at Jane and Alan)
My dear, what fine looking things the parade has brought to
What perfect frights, they must have fallen out of the
Tell us where you came from?
First, I want to find out something about the place I am
in! Pardon me while I go sight seeing!
(EXITS down R)
And who are you?
I'm nothing yet, but when I grow up, I want to be a radio
What could you do on the radio?
I could be Uncle Don Crosby. That's something new, isn't
it? Giving advice to the children in song form.
You mean a sort of lullaby?
ALAN AND CHORUS:
"ROCK A BYE BABY"
(Alan and others exeunt on number)
(PIPER CHILDREN ENTER from L. side of stage,
they are playfully pulling the master toymaker
after them, each child drags or carries on a toy.
Possible dance here with BABY DOLLS...or a cakewalk)
There! There! You have me quite out of breath, my dears.
I must rest a moment.
(Sits on large toy block, which two of the children
place C. for him)
When we find Mother, she'll pay you for these lovely play-
There's nothing to pay. I am the world's master toymaker
and I want to give these toys to you. Just a little
rememberance in the heart of a child is more to me than
anything else in the world.
(A general murmur "Thank you" etc)
Haven't you any little boys and girls of your own?
No. That's why I'm free to love all children, and to try
and make them love me.
Red Hiding Hood
Do you make toys that talk?
Aye, talk and walk and do everything but think. I can give
them everything but a soul, and some day I may give them
(He reads the underlined phrase, so tragically, that
all the children shrink from him. Noticing their notion
he immediately returns to his amiable manner)
But I must go. I have work to do.
Come to my work-shop, and see all the other toys that I
(EXITS down L. ENTER WIDOW from arch)
Ah here are my angels!
See what the Master Toymaker has given us.
(Children show toys, BARNABY enters up L., holding TOMTOM
by the wrist)
Here's Tom-Tom. Just caught him in the crowd.
(Cries of "Hello Tom Tom", "Hello, brother", from
Naughty boy, where's your sister?
I don't know. I don't know anything about her.
Tell the truth, you rascal! You ran away together.
No, we didn't. I don't know where Mary is at all!
Come, all of you, look for her. Scatter and be quick about
it! Tom tom, you go with us.
(WIDOW EXITS quickly with TOM TOM)
Hurry up! Find your sister! Be off with you!
Find her for you? Not much.
(The children rush off stage; JILL remains on the stage
playing with the doll the Toymaker gave her, BARNABY
turns and sees JILL busy with doll, sitting on the stage
Jill, why don't you do as you're told?
Precious Pet-mother's ownest! Just wait till I'M your
I could faint with joy at the prospect!
Badness, where do you expect to go when you die?
If it's any place where you ain't, I'll be happy.
(Shaking his cane at her)
If you were only mine! How I could box your ears! if you
were only mine!
(With mock sentiment)
It's hopeless! I can never be yours!
(Barnaby seizes Jill's doll, strikes it, then kicks
it about the stage)
Help! Help! A lady's being struck -give me my doll!
(GRUMIO ENTERS at top of runway over arch. Hears
Jill's cries, stumbles and rolls down runway to stage)
(Picking up doll and facing Barnaby)
Hold! How dare you strike a helpless female in the face!
Bless you! You have saved my child!
(Faints in Grumio's arms)
You'll hear from me later.
(EXITS angrily under arch)
(Calling after him)
Yes, do write, even if it's just a post-card.
Courage, beautiful stranger--your child has only lost an
My name is Jill. What's yours?
Grumio. I'm the Master Toymaker's apprentice. What do you
Oh, I live a life of leisure, but I'm going to leave
society and go to work. Perhaps I'll even be on relief.
I had trouble at home too. Mother kept a butler,
who objected to my wearing his evening clothes.
But didn't you ever have any other ambitions?
Yes, I wanted to be a politician. It's the only business
where you can sit down and run at the same time!
Is there any chance of landing a job here.
Come to my master's workshop. They're shorthanded there
and I can get you a place.
Can you fix my doll there?
(Holding doll so sawdust pours out)
Yes, better hurry up, she may have a sawdust hemmorhage.
My charge will be just one kiss.
All right, you send the bill to mother.
But after I've seen mother's face, I may not want to collect
it. Give me one kiss and I'll be satisfied.
You won't give me one kiss.
Yes, but you won't be satisified.
(HE starts to kiss her)
(Pantomine) - (Possibly a
(He is just about to kiss her,
but enter the WIDOW and Barnaby.)
(Leads Jill down stage grasping her by the ear,
and Barnaby chases Grumio off stage thru arch.)
You're too young to be kissing strangers!
I just wanted to find out what a kiss was.
A kiss is nothing divided by two.
You got that kissing idea from the movies...from now on
you'll see nothing but travelogues.
(Leads JILL off Left.)
(Enters with MAN reading document.)
You may report to me in the toyshop, in an hour!
(ENTERS from arch.)
You're the King-pin of all the toymakers, I've heard. I'd
like to hire you to make a few toys for me.
Ah, then you love the children too?
Oh, I simply dote on them!
What would you like me to make for them?
A lot of dangerous toys. Toys that a child would eagerly
accept. That would destroy them, and even kill them,
in some clever way.
(JANE ENTERS under arch, overhears)
Why do you hate the children so bitterly?
My late sister left her two vicious bad-tempered children
Alan and Jane for me to look after. What a life they've
led me! Even their fortune, which will be mine in another
week, could hardly repay me for the trouble they have caused
Yes, they were lost in the forest, I've seen the last of them!
(JANE exits silently)
A thousand dollars, if you'll take the order. Twelve hundred!
No, no, don't tempt me. Eighteen hundred dollars for toys,
that would kill and destroy!
(Starts off L.)
I'll make it two thousand dollars! Just let me see you
alone in your work shop, and we'll close the bargain.
(BOTH EXEUNT L)
(JANE and ALAN enter under arch much excited)
And if we're not home in a week, Uncle Barnaby gets our
Yes, that's what I heard him say!
Now I understand Uncle Barnaby now I know him.
He's as easy to see thru as a cellophane wrapper.
I'm sure he had us lost in the woods.
And lost at sea the same way. Oh, he's been playing a losing
game with every way.
We must get home--we haven't a penny, what's to be done?
Or, who's to be done?
First let us change these clothes. Nobody else in Toyland
dresses like this, and Uncle Barnaby will surely hear
That's a risk we can't afford. We must shift our wardrobe,
(JILL ENTERS L)
Can it be? Alan and Jane!
And a runaway just like you two!
I hope you've run away with a tailor!
Neither, but I've just been engaged to dress the dolls at
the Master Toymaker's.
Do you think you could find anything there to fit us?
We don't want to be captured.
Perhaps, some of the Toymaker's dolls are nearly as big as
(The three exeunt under arch)
(BO PEEP & BOY BLUE ENTER UNDER ARCH)
I wonder what's become of MAry?
Maybe she's married a title, and has had to go to work to
(MARY ENTERS under arch with small milliner's box
Bo Peep, Boy Blue etc.
What in the world are you doing in Toyland?
(MARMADUKE ENTERS under arch)
Oh, I'm making dolls for the master Toymaker! and my alias
is Mam'sell Elisette.
Hold in the name of the law! Stand up where you are! Hold, I
(Ignoring Marmaduke, coming down with the group)
I want to hear all the news from home. Are all the guinea
pigs well, and how is the new donkey?
(Looking over her shoulder)
But you're not the one I was speaking of.
Listen to me for a moment! Do any of you know a girl named
Mary? Don't answer if it may incriminate you.
I am the world's most famous inspector!
No, of the police! Describe Contrary Mary to me.
She has long bobbed hair, a lovely speaking voice,
but very loud. And she cries so much her cheeks are streamlined.
Fair. Just fair, and I believe at that I'm exaggerating.
How was she dressed when you saw her last?
She was wearing a white fish net over black satin....
the satin was white at one time. The neck line was high
with a Freddie Bartholomew collar...The back was low,
sweet and lo, - there were little cream puff sleeves...
with blue ribbon on the side...
I don't believe --
The dress was straight to the knees, where it was gored by
8 champagne inserts to give it a waltz swing...a sort of
I don't believe I'm getting anywhere....but I am getting
anywhere--anywhere away from you!
(Dashes off under arch)
Well, you certainly tired him out!
You don't know how glad I am to see you all, but I wish
Tom Tom were here....
And what about Alan? Don't you miss him?
Of course I do. Oh, if you only knew how heavy my heart
(Mary and Children exeunt on number)
(GRUMIO enters from arch, carrying the head of a toy
The toy captain is busted, and now the parade is spoiled.
(JILL enters L.)
What's the matter, Grumio?
(Pointing to head)
I'll be put in jail for this. This was the wooden soldier
that was to head the wooden regiment he presents to the
City today... I had charge on him, and when I went to wind
him up, I found someone had stolen his clothes. Let me
find out who did it! That's all!
Twas I Grumio!
(Falls on knees)
Strike and avenge yourself! I took the clothes to help
two old friends...
Ah! To help old friends you ruin me! Be gone, female, and
leave me to the sorrow you have brought upon me!
(Throws her to the ground and steps over her)
(JANE & ALAN enter in the doll costumes and exchange
surprised glances and military salutes with the
(Noting Grumio's red hair)
(Aside to Jane)
Looks like a bottle of Chili sauce.
Who are you?
The Toymaker's apprentice, who is responsible for the toys
that you have broken.
(Points to wooden captain's broken head)
The wooden captain?
The toy I broke when I took these clothes off of him!
The same. It's time for the parade, but I can't start
without the wooden captain.
Well, I can't do without his clothes.
(With sudden inspiration)
Then by the way of paying for them, you might lead the
What - me?
That will get me out of the trouble that you have got me
into. Do you think you could act like a toy soldier?
Of course -- just be yourself.
Jane, I'll lead the parade, and you can look for Tom Tom.
I'm sure Tom Tom isn't here.
One word more, my one cylinder brained friend! If I get you
out of this trouble, will you help us to get out of the country?
Come to the work shop after the parade, and I'll arrange it!
Leave that to me! Just join the wooden grenadiers, they're
ready to march!
(Takes Jane's hand)
Come on, we're off!
(Exeunt up Left)
Oh, the parade must have started.
Come with me and I'll get you a seat in the reviewing stand!
(JILL and GRUMIO exeunt)
THE TOY MARCH
(Big number and dance and black cut and change to
SCENE II STREET SCENE:
Roderigo enters left with GONZORGO.
It's a cold world, Gonzorgo; unless something turns up,
I shall worry myself into a stew.
Worry yourself into two stews if possible- one for me!
Is it true what the gypsy said, are you married now?
No, my wife passed away a year ago. The light of my life has
gone, but I'd like to strike another match!
And here comes a possible flame! It's the Widow Piper.
My woodland fllower!--
Why do you call her a woodland flower?
She'll grow wild, if someone doesn't cultivate her!
Have you seen anything of a young lady who answers to
the name of Mary?
Infatuated girl, why have you followed me here?
Oh, Master Barnaby's friends!
Fate has mixed us up again.
Have you forgotten what Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest
told me? You are married!
'Tis false, you are the only girl I ever loved. Don't seek
further for a husband!
Find my daughter Mary for me and I shall consider it!
What is she like?
She's only 15, very pretty, and very brainy. Here's a
description of her written on this paper. Find her and you
may be lucky!
If you were a young girl very pretty and very brainy, what
would you do?
I'd enter a beauty contest.
No, I said brainy. Brains! But if she is going to marry
old Barnaby, you could use her for a blue print to make an
Yes, old Barnaby is 45, and she's only 15. He's three times
Yes and in five years he'll be fifty and she'll be 20, then
he'll only be two and a half times as old.
Yes and in 15 years he'll be sixty and she'll be thirty
then he'll only be twice as old!
How long will she have to wait before they become the
(Reading from the paper)
The paper says she left with someone else. It reads, "The
missing twain". Say, what does twain mean?
Twain, it means two!
Two -two! Twain!
You're too old to be talking baby talk!
My dear Watson, this is a very baffling case.
Don't you know a good solution?
Yes, boracic acid, that's a good solution. Now the
girl has been stolen by some desperate criminial, now
let's both concentrate. Who is the worst criminal you
Rod. & Gon.
(Point at each other)
Hold! I'm searching for Contrary Mary! Taking you at your
face value, you're both under arrest!
You can't arrest us, we've just been appointed detectives.
I appointed him.
And I appointed him!
I will now give you the third degree!
Oh good, we're going to join a lodge!
Have you ever committed any crimes?
Rod. & Gon.
No! We swear it by our right hands.
(They raise their left hands)
This is truth serum wine! The liquid lie detector,
quaff of it and you will tell the truth.
(Hands it to Roderigo)
I'm as honest as
--as the best bank robber and confidence man. How I laughed
when I sold people shares in a Hidden Treasure....
And you, you drink!
You doubt my honor.
Wow! I am the king of larceny and arsony. And crooked
Two very desperate cases! What was your most serious crime?
I worked for the EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY. I sold
And I sold Stock for the Wild Cat gold mine. I worked
for the Eureka, Get Rich Quick company.
You are master criminals!
Here's to crime!
...I was THE EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY!
(Or exit of Marmaduke, and DANCE SPECIALTY FOR Gon. and
SCENE III The Master Toymaker's toyshop.
TOM TOM enters from door L.C.
Thanks to that friendly vine next to my prison windows, I
(Turns to workman.)
I have a summons for the Master Toymaker from the court
You'll find him inside.
But I do not know him what does he look like?
You don't know the master toymaker? You must be a new-comer in
I am. But my father came here when I was a lad, and many times he
talked about it.
There is much to talk about here!
I remember he had many fond memories of Toyland!
(Or as vocal number)
(Enter Toymaker from door L.)
Well, what can I do for you? Looking for a pretty toy?
Sir! Do I look as though I came from the nursery?
(Hands Toymaker document)
A summons from the Court Royal to the master Toymaker.
(Looking at paper)
Ah, yes. Say to the Prefect I'll be on hand at the appointed
time. Now, run along, little boy!
(TOM TOM EXITS L.C.)
Max, the bill for the toys we shipped today.
The consignment is ready, sir!
Put the goods on board at once! The captain sends word he
(MAX and Workman exit R. and L.C.)
(Toymaker left on stage. Bus. Places paper on the
mantel-piece and goes back to the table, watches the
last character off R. Hurriedly closes door, returns to
table, pours contents from phial into large flask
with left hand; leaving right hand free to work
switch after exhibition of sparks.)
The secret I have sought for years still mocks me.
A thousand times have I sought to find the element that
makes the charm complete. Within this crystal glass,
there dwells a score of demon spirits drawn by spells and
incantations. There, there, is the charm that will
give me dominion over the souls of evil! That I may bid
them enter the toys and mannikins.
(Works flask again, JILL enters right during his motion)
This has nothing to do with toy making I'm sure! I must
find out the secret!
(Conceals herself, in cabinet up R.)
(A KNOCK L.C. Toymaker without turning)
(GRUMIO ENTERS L.C. FOLLOWED BY TWO MEN. One carries wine
cask, the other a table with cheese, cookies, etc.)
Here's a cask of wine sent you by an old gentleman named
(Rising, going right)
Put it down, I'm in no mood for it right now!
(MEN places articles and exeunt)
I can never do anything right!
I'm bewitched like the place. They say it's haunted!
It does seem horrible, Maybe a little drink will steady my
(Taps the wine cask and takes a drink)
This place isn't half bad at that!
(Takes 2nd drink)
No, sir, this place is all right!
Ghosts! Spirits! I'd better get some spirits to fight this!
(Other business follows, causing additional fright)
(JILL enters from cabinet)
Am I seeing things?
I'm not a thing, you remember me, I'm Jill!
Oh, yes, two Jills make one pint, two pints make on
Don't talk like that, girls!
My mistake, I've had a couple of drinks.
Two drinks, and I'm girls! If you had 5 drinks I'd be quintuplets!
You don't like me, do you?
In spite of your faults, I think you're the tops!
I must be the top, my head is still spinning.
But come, my Princess, it is gay tonight in Vienna - there
is music, wine and waltzing. Will you waltz with me?
No - but if you'll come out of Vienna - I might dance with
(DANCING SPECIALTY, or THEY Waltz to an exit)
(WORKMEN enter with TOYMAKER)
What's this? Men, clear away the ruin. The scamp has been
at the wine!
(Examines articles on the table, as if they have
been damaged. MEN exit after clearing stage.)
(BARNABY looks in at L.C.)
Here I am according to appointment.
Have you thought over my offer?
For toys that will maim and injure children?
Something tells me you would put your whole heart into the
Your liberality would call for that much interest.
Your final answer?
(Taking him Center)
What would you say to a doll with the spirit of a fiend
controlling it? Would it not be a dainty gift for a child
A doll with the soul of a demon, a master thought!
(He grasps Toymaker's hand)
Come back in the twilight, in the interval I'll experiment again.
(Indicates table left)
I pray for your success.
(ENTERS feigning exhaustion)
Aha! You scoundrel, you drank my wine, didn't you?
No, sir, I was just testing it for you! The captain of
the ship wants to see you on board at once!
It's something about the cargo you're sending.
Very well! And when I return call my attention to the fact
that you are to be discharged.
(Going quickly to door R.)
Bring the wrappings, Jill! You men bring these crates!
.....Alan and Jane will travel in style!...
(Men bring in 2
packing boxes, exeunt)
(ALAN & JANE ENTER L.C.)
How about us? How are you going to get us out of the country,
your ship sails in an hour.
You go as freight.
You'll be taken on board the ship, that's bound for your
country in those.
Be sure we're marked fragile, this side up!
And I hope I'm sent F.O.B. Free of bumps!
Jane, take care of yourself!
(Steps into open crate)
(MARY enters just before Grumio can get down into crate)
Grumio, I want you to run out and match this sample.
(Giving Grumio bit of ribbon)
Quickly, please, four yards. Bring it back at once.
That doll's all right.
(Points to Alan)
You needn't bother about him, Mam'selle.
(Grumio exits L.C.)
(Mary looks at Alan, starts violently)
Only a wooden dummy with no sense and yet he reminds me so
much of Alan!
In this game I am the dummy!
(Looking at Alan)
Poor boy, it's very like him. I could almost imagine we were
alone together. If he's meant for an officer, he needs
something to show his rank.
(Goes to work table and gets properties)
Shall I sew them on? No, it would be quicker and safer to
nail them on his chest.
(Looks on table for tacks and hammer)
I might nail on a few yards of fresh gold braid while it's
on my mind.
Your mind, oh, don't mind me!
This will do, and this-
(Tries medals on Alan's coat)
Dear, dear, but you are like Alan!
I wish you were, that's all! To believe that I'd forget you
for such a creature as Barnaby! Will I ever see you again?
Oh Alan where are you now, I wonder!
So, you're wondering too!
Will you ever come back and say "Mary I'm dreadfully sorry
I was all wrong?" And you know what I would do, I would embrace
(Slowly embraces her)
(She is surprised and startled)
Why, what is the matter with this machine? It must be out
(tries to break away)
It is you, Alan, after all!
And now you say something like I'll forgive you Alan.
And I'll say Mary I was dreadfully sorry, I was all wrong.
Because you knew all the time...
Yes, I knew all the time that you loved me.
(Puts arms around her.)
ALAN & MARY:
But Alan, you in this costume,--what does it mean?
It means that Grumio is going to ship us home as dolls on a
boat that sails in an hour or two!
In that case, where is Jane?
(Pointing to crate)
In that case!
(ENTERS L.C. Alan resumes a toy attitude)
Getting that toy ready for shipment?
Something wrong with his machinery.
(ALAN moves his hand automatically)
I'll attend to that before he goes to Siberia.
(MAN enters with marking pot and brush, used for
marking packing cases)
Oh, he doesn't go to Siberia, he's billed to--to--
(To working man)
Cross out the address on those crates, and write these.
(Handing workman also a slip of paper)
Send that to his Majesty, the Sultan of Beejumbo!
It's going to be a surprise for the Sultan's harem!
Ah, a harem!
Pardon me, sir, but aren't you getting them mixed?
(Points to Alan)
Oh no, he isn't getting them mixed.
So I am. It's the Dutch Doll that goes to the Sultan.
(Points to Jane's crate, and workman paints new
address on it)
This one is broken.
There's time to fix him. He goes by caravan tomorrow. He's
bound for Kalamazooskie, Eastern Siberia.
Kalamazooskie sounds like a long way from home.
His uniform needs something.
If I'm going to Siberia, I need an overcoat.
But he can't be fixed inside of a week, and the Dutch Doll
isn't all right, either.
(Points to Jane's crate)
What's the matter with her?
She needs a new face.
I'm glad Jane can't hear that.
You can't send those wax faces to hot countries.
They melt. She ought to have a wooden head like this.
(Raps Alan's head)
Oh I'll take the risk of sending that doll to Beejumbo.
(Two workingmen enter.)
Put that box on the ship that sails for the far East.
(MEN carry Jane's crate off)
(Pantomines business by ALAN)
And as for that doll,
Within the hour, Max shall have his works spread upon the table!
He's not going to give me the works!
Here's a dreadful fix, how is Jane going to get out of it?
(CRASH OFF STAGE L.C.)
That's Jane always crashing in some place where she's not wanted.
We must help her. I'll run and see what I can do!
I'll find Grumio. Where are you Grumio, Grumio, Grumio?
(Door L.3. opens, ALAN assumes toy pose, TOYMAKER enters
L.3., goes to table, turns and looks towards flask)
Now once more to seek the missing element! It will give me
dominion over the souls of evil!
(Works switch, the glow appears)
The light! The light! Can it be at last success!!
(Turns to flash again and cries in ecstasy)
I triumph! I triumph!!
The spirits of evil I bid you enter the forms I have fashioned
in human shape!
(TOY figures move on stage)
It is true at last I have found the spell at last. They
turn to me, their master! Fiends, all the fiends!
(Turns to Alan)
Speak, speak, you live!
Undo your work, before it is too late!
There is gratitude, I give you human form, I take you from the
gloom, and you reproach me!
Take care, these things have only murder in their hearts.
(The dolls take threatening attitudes)
I do not fear them.
(Pointing to doll who approaches Toymaker with knife)
(Doll retreats. A murmur of defiance from the others. He
Obey, or else I'll send your souls back to the abyss
from which I brought them.
You've lost. You gave them life to hate and slay and kill.
And you will be their first victim!
Your commands are vain!
(Dolls advance to attack Toymaker.)
(NOTE: POSSIBLE DANCE MACABRE USED HERE.)
(The dolls kill the Toymaker and escape)
with the Toymaker, tries to revive him)
(Barnaby enters, and accuses Alan of killing Toymaker)
(He summons Reoderigo and Gonzorgo.)
the Toymaker off at signal from Barnaby. Left
alone, Barnaby shows his delight at his success of schemes
against Alan. The dolls appear armed with clubs, broomsticks
etc. and they fall upon Barnaby, and gives him
a sound beating, he howls for mercy, (see score) - on
the curtain falls)
END OF ACT II.
BABES IN TOYLAND
SCENE: Court yard of the palace of Justice.
Tom Tom, Piper children, lady and
male advocates. Populace on stage
at opening. March of Court officials.
(On steps R)
Hear ye! Hear ye! If one Master Alan be among ye, he is
for the last time summoned to appear before the Court Royal
to say why he shall not be condemned to die!
What has Master Alan done?
He is said to have slain the Master Toymaker. After his
arrest he escaped.
Was he alone guilty?
Many believe the Toymaker was killed by a band of strange beings
who were seen rushing from the shop. The police can find no
trace of them.
(Chorus exits to repeat of March. TOM TOM joins children)
Oh, Tom Tom, how did Alan get himself in such a scrape?
I don't know. But it's very serious.
Can we do anything to help him?
Help him in his flight, if you meet him.
Jane! where in the world have you been?
All over looking for you.
And I've been doing the same! What a lucky day!
For us, but not for Alan.
Poor fellow, he is in trouble. Any news of him?
None. Contrary Mary is with him and they're trying to get
out of Toyland together!
Without passports that will be hard to do.
Who accuses him of the Toymaker's death?
Only your uncle Barnaby!
The wicked old man! He's taken our money, now he wants our
The Toymaker was the King's favorite subject. He has ordered
the Court Royal to convict him without a hearing. But I
must go. The Court is in session!
I will await you at the courthouse. You won't be long?
I'll count the minutes til I'm with you. I'm so glad I
have you again.
(Jane throws a kiss to him and exits.)
"MY CASTLE IN SPAIN"
(Tom Tom exits end of song)
(After song ALAN, GRUMIO, JILL and MARY enter up R.
ALAN is in comedy disguise, whiskers etc)
So far all right, nobody recognizes my disguise.
You can't blame them.
You don't look a bit like the police description.
Now for the last obstacle, the passports.
There's the office, but the passport clerk is busy. You'll
have to wait a few minutes.
Remember both of you, if anybody questions you about us,
you're to be dumb!
We'll just be our own natural selves.
(Joins Grumio, they exeunt left)
(UNCLE BARNABY ENTERS unseen at back left, recognizes
Mary and Alan)
If we get safely out of Toyland, where shall we go?
(Barnaby exits R. at back)
To our home first. Then we'll get married and go abroad.
To a far away country that Jane and I visited after our
Is the country you're talking about a nice one for -- for young
When young people marry they go to a place that's usually
called Maple Heights. Because it's surrounded by willow trees.
Willow trees? We could plant a bed of onions right next
to them and have weeping willows.
It's called the heights because it's on a prairie.
I know the place, the renting agents says it's five minutes
from the station... that is if you travel by aeroplace.
Then a kind business man builds them a semi-colonial cottage
on weekly payments. And after you've been married forty years
then the Bond and Mortgage company takes it over.
And I suppose they fall in love just as we do, and they
exchange all sorts of beautiful vows.
It's quite the same as here and everywhere else.
"BEFORE AND AFTER":
(Dialogue after 1st verse)
So you're keeping a budget? All I brought in the last year
was one necktie. You have ordered 14 dresses, four pairs
of shoes, one squirrel coat, without consulting ne.
Well, I have to wear them don't I?
Yes but I have to pay for them, don't I?
No, you don't. I haven't asked you for a single cent for a
whole year. I have had everything charged.
(Dialogue after 2nd verse)
How many times have I asked you not to read the newspaper at
the breakfast table!?
What else is there around here interesting?
You never dared speak to me like that before we were married.
Well, before we were married you never came down to breakfast
looking the way you do!
Mother always said you were a brute. Oh, why did I ever marry
So you're beginning to wonder too?
(Dialogue after 3rd verse.)
(Lights down. Then Alan and girl discovered at right of
So your wife is always quarrelling with you?
Yes, every time I go out, she accuses me playing cards with
It was nice of you to take your secretary out, have a few
cocktails and then go dancing...but how will you explain it to
There's only one way out of it - and that is to tell her the
(LIGHTS OUT. Then Alan discovered at left with his wife)
And where have you been?
My dear I'm going to tell you the truth. I wanted a little
relaxation, so I took my secretary out and we had some cocktails,
and then we went to a night club.
Don't you try to fool me. You've been playing cards again!
(Slaps his face)
(ALAN & MARY EXEUNT after song)
(He reads from paper)
So Alan objects to being tried by a court of nine judges?
And he petitions to ask for an appointment of fifteen. He
doesn't realize it's unconstitutional.
Oh, it's you, is it?
It's a fine morning for a wedding, Mistress Mary.
Ours. I'll be short and sweet with you, Mistress Mary!
There's a marriage bureau next to the court-room--
and we'll be married there at once, or...
I'll hand Alan over!
He's in there. I know his disguise. In a moment the Court
Royal will condemn him for killing the Toymaker.
You wouldn't betray him?
It's my duty! He has disgraced the family. He's an assassin!
But for your sweet sake I'll let him escape.
(Mary tries to break away)
No, you won't warn him.
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO dressed as executioners, with
brazier, ropes, pincers, enter from court-room with
large legal document)
What you have there?
A warrant to execute Alan, your scamp of a nephew!
You shall decide. Will you take his life, or my name?
Let me see that warrant!
Rack--hot irons--pincers for my Alan!
(Throws warrant aside)
Is it is to save Alan, I'll agree. Take me to the marriage
(Seizes Barnaby and rushes him off stage)
(ENTER JANE R. PIPER AND CHILDREN ON R. & L.)
(Seeing Gon. and Rod)
Why, when did you two start out as plumbers?
We're not plumbers, we're executioners. We know nothing about
the business, it was influence and this is a political appointment.
You look like you belong to the Black legion!
We're amateurs at this rope business, but we'll soon get the
hang of it!
Has the court sent for you?
It has. We shall shortly fill our first order.
NOTE: (If you do not wish to do the song "We Won't
Be Happy till he gets it". And you have no
number to replace this, here is the lyrics
of a song which could be set to music, and
beginning with 3-8 dialogue would run:)
It will be Alan. But you will be cursed if you do anything
to hurt him.
Cursed? Lady, we've been cursed by hard luck all our lives.
You don't know what hard luck is. I think one of my
ancestors must have been Calamity Jane!
Gonzorgo, Roderigo, and Jane
"MEET ME ON THE HARD LUCK MOON".
Oh, ever since I was a kid no matter what I said or did,
You'd always find me in an awful boat,
And every photograph of me off in the background you would see
Somebody always leading off my goat.
I'm great big mister easy mark, and life for me has been no lark
I'm quite unhappy, sad as I can be.
Good luck for me has been real slow, and I have had my share of woe,
Just like an undertaker's jubilee.
Meet me under the hard luck moon,
Down by the lemon tree.
Where the blackbirds keep on singing,
Hoodoo songs off key.
Where skies are blue,
And breezes sigh,
In such a mournful tune,
We'll have a grand old kill-joy time,
Under the hard luck moon.
(All three dance with ENSEMBLE.)
It will be Alan. Boys and girls, this coward will kill Alan.
Don't let him.
(Pipers threaten Gonzorgo)
We won't. We will never let you live to do this.
Young man, don't you dare lay hands on an officer of the law!
Prepare a chair for him.
(Gonzorgo is placed on high chair)
We are going to make it warm for you.
"HE WON'T BE HAPPY TILL HE GETS IT."
(With possible Specialty of Gon, Rod.
(Jane and Pipers with Chorus. All exit at the end of Number)
(Enter Barnaby followed by Mary)
Now, Mrs. Barnaby, we'll hear your sweetheart's sentence.
I've just heard mine.
(ENTER ALAN with crowd. Enter TOM TOM on stage of house)
(Reading from document)
Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court Royal herewith finds the outlaw,
Alan, guilty of the Master Toymaker's death and orders that he
be executed in the manner prescribed by law, when found....
I'll do my duty as a good citizen and a relative as well.
There is the criminal!
(Tears whiskers from Alan's face. A general start and
Who is this villain?
Your unhappy uncle! Take him, he has disgraced me enough.
Now, let the sentence be carried out.
You give me back my whiskers!
(Tries to seize them)
I have not finished. He shall be executed in the manner prescribed
by the law when found--unless he takes advantage of the
law which gives every condemned man the right to plead the
benefit of widow."
Mary and Alan
The benefit of widow?
An ancient law of Toyland, meant to assist deserving class of
What is the benefit of widow?
Any widow, may claim a condemned man for her second husband,
and he shall be free as long as he supports said widow and
saves her from becoming a charge upon the state.
And may the victim choose the widow?
Some have preferred the gallows. Do you claim the benefit?
(Moves toward Mary)
No, I'll die rather than marry anybody but Contrary Mary.
If you mean Mrs. Barnaby, you're a little bit late.
You? Mrs. Barnaby?
Alan, he recognized you, but he swore to let you escape if I
married him at once!
I'll plead that benefit. Bring on your widows. I'll marry and
Let the court heralds summon the widows of our city.
Courage, somebody will surely choose you.
It's so undignified. I feel like a prize at a grab bag party.
Don't despair, old man, some widow will surely find you
You needn't speak of him as though he were a marked down
To think that we're parted forever!
(Looking at Barnaby)
The joyful day may soon arrive when they'll expect me to
wear crape for that!
A joyful day indeed! I'll ride with you in the first carriage,
and on the way to the cemetary I'll propose to you!
Then here's where I give up smoking and go in for physical
culture. As soon as I've engaged places on the coach, my
dear, we'll depart upon our honeymoon.
(EXITS L. chuckling)
Remember, the sentence will be carried out if a widow does
not choose you in fifteen minutes.
Don't worry. I'm liable to be killed in the rush!
I'll hurry them along.
(EXITS UP R)
All right. Tell the widows I'm the latest thing in imported
Alan, will you do me a teeny-weeny favor? As you've got to
marry in order to live, I wish you'd marry to please me.
How can I marry somebody else to please you?
Don't marry anybody who'll make you forget me.
(If used or not used then continue)
But remember, if a dashing widow should claim you,
But if one with a bad temper, and a squeaky voice should claim
you, it would make me feel very restful.
How about me, I need a little rest myself.
Every time you looked at her, I know you'd think of me!
(TOM TOM ENTERS RIGHT)
The merry widows are here, although they are not all so merry.
They're a group of dreams.
I'll leave you. Remember, nothing attractive, nothing that will
take me from your thoughts! For one second.
(To a strain of MUSIC the WIDOWS ENTER.)
Here they are, my boy! Now turn on your best personality.
If they're going to propose to me, I won't know what to say,
except this is all so sudden.
Don't hesitate, girls. The one who speaks first gets him.
(Xes into Courthouse.)
Well, ladies, the auction bargain sale is going to begin. Here
I am, the answer to any widow's prayer. Will anyone start off
(Turns to first.)
How about you, lady?
1st Widow Woman
Do you think that all marriages are happy?
All marriages are happy, it's the living together after
marriage that causes all the trouble.
Before we were married, my husband said he would die for me.
And after marriage he was kind enough to do it!
Ah! Lady Dracula speaking! I hope I don't get an offer from
My next husband must be strong, silent, full of grit,
-- able to bear the burden of the day! He will not hear a
word said about me, and he will utter no unkind word.
What you want is a deaf and dumb coal heaver!
When I was married I didn't do as well as I expected.
And to tell you the truth I don't think he did either.
I've been married twice, but I think every widow's entitled
to her third.
I think you're frank anyway, and you seem to have an even temper.
Yes, my temper's even, always the same --very nasty!
I believe you're deliberately falsifying it. How did your last
husband happen to die?--
Oh, I suppose he thought it was the best way out!
I hope you don't claim me.
(Turns to 4th)
How about you, lady?
The first month I was married, we lived in a bungalow, called
"Ye Lovey Dovey Cot"
I suppose you changed that afterward to "Ye Battling Arena".
My husband was a dentist with a sense of humor. But he
pulled too many good ones.
He must have been very easily tickled.
Yes, he was so ticklish, he couldn't touch his ribs - he had
to have them dry-cleaned. But he left me a large fortune.
Step into my office, I want to talk to you.
(Takes her aside.)
(Widows surround Alan, and he walks to steps, they follow
I'll take all your offers into consideration.
And you may hear from me later. -- But I doubt it.
(EXITS into court house)
The trouble with you merry widows is, you make love in
slow waltz time. You'd better all pop up and start to
BY MERRY WIDOWS.
(THE MERRY WIDOW WALTZ played in swing-time)
(This was done by Abe Lyman and Paul Whiteman and is
(They dance to an exit)
(TOM TOM ENTERS followed by Alan from court house)
Gone! Alan, the widows have gone without claiming you!
Guess I didn't appear to be as advertised.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up L)
Shall we proceed?
Wait till I return. There's one more chance!
(EXIT up R)
I wonder if he'll help us.
We're in a very embarrassing position.
And you only can save us from becoming perfectly ridiculous.
When we start to execute you, everybody is liable to laugh
If they find we're not regular executioners, we'll lose the
Since you've got to leave this cold, hard world, will you
allow us to send you our way?
It'll be so much pleasanter than this.
Wise boy. Now what would you like in the way of a farewell
luncheon. It'll be your very last. Have anything you like.
I'd like a dish of strawberries.
But strawberries won't be in season for 6 months!
That's all right, I'll wait.
No, now is your time. But I can give you a glass of strawberry
With a dash of this in it.
(Shows black phial)
Why, it's poison!
Four drops of that in your wine...
Just before you start for the scafford...
And you'll go into a dreadless sleep.
Go ahead! I haven't anything to lose. Except my life.
(JUDGES, Attendants, widows chorus enter. Jane also)
Alan, are you living yet?
Yes, but in a few minutes, I will be not yet.
(TOM TOM ENTERS UP R. with WIDOW PIPER)
Stop! Here's another widow! Mother, make Alan our step-father
and save his life!
Go ahead ma!
I can't. It's too late. I'm married.
Married? You said you'd never marry anybody but a hare!
(ENTER MARMADUKE. HE GOES TO WIDOW)
And what made him a hare?
He dined at a night club, and he dared to go
without tipping the waiter.
Now, Mary my dear--what's this?
The end of your nephew.
Too bad, too bad. I'm very sorry.
(ALL turn away from him)
It was my duty. I had to do it. I really had to...Such
treatment is hard to bear...
(His eyes fall on the tray with the wine glass)
Without help. At such a time as this I need encouragement.
(Taking glass, drains it)
(ALL turn. HE falls into the arms of Gonzrgo and Roderigo...
who carry him off stage)
He has drunk the wine that was intended for me.
(TOM TOM ENTERS)
Mrs. Barnaby you're a widow!
Excessive grief has taken Uncle Barnaby from us.
Then Alan is saved! I am a widow, and under your laws I claim
him as my husband!
END OF PLAY.