BABES IN TOYLAND
A Musical Comedy in
three acts.
---------
Book & Lyrics by Glen MacDonough
Music by Victor Herbert
Produced 13 Oct. 1903, at the Majestic Theatre in New York,
but this is a later version [undated].
CAST
UNCLE BARNABY, A rich miser.
ALAN, His nephew.
JANE, His niece.
THE WIDOW PIPER, A lonely widow with fourteen children.
TOM TOM, Her eldest son.
CONTRARY MARY, Her eldest daughter.
HILDA, A maid of all work for the Piper family.
Two ruffians
RODERIGO
GONZORGO
Piper's Children
JILL
BOY BLUE
BO PEEP
MISS MUFFETT
SIMPLE SIMON
CURLY LOCKS
BOBBY SHAFTON
SALLIE WATERS
RED RIDING HOOD, and etc.
THE GIANT SPIDER
THE MASTER TOY MAKER
GRUMIO, His assistant.
INSPECTOR MARMADUKE, Of the Toyland Police.
SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT I
Scene I: Country fete in Contrary Mary's garden.
" 2: A Garden Wall.
" 3: A Spider's Forest.
ACT II
Scene I: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.
" 2: A Street in Toyland.
" 3: The Master Toymaker's Workshop.
ACT III
The Courtyard of the Toyland Palace of Justice.
----------
ACT I
SCENE I: The scene shows the garden of Contrary
Mary near the Widow Piper's home. A
cask of ale and decorations and
pennats and bunting suggest a fete.
A party of peasants as the scene is revealed.
No. 1. -- Country Dance and
entrance of the Chorus.
UNCLE BARNABY enters at the end of the
dance, smirking and bowing right and
left. The peasants snub him.
Barnaby
Enjoy yourselves, enjoy yourselves, my dear friends. I am
delighted to see you so happy. Are the Piper children here -
and especially Contrary Mary?
Jill
No, Master Barnaby, Mary didn't come to the Fete.
Barnaby
That's strange, I'm giving it to please her -- and to make you
all a little fonder of me.
Jill
Why, are you our host?
Jill
(To the crowd)
Only yesterday he seized poor old Mother Hubbard's house and
turned her into the road, all for a debt of a few shillings!
(Crowd jeer at Barnaby)
1st Girl
(To the crowd)
Let's finish the afternoon by putting Barnaby under the town
pump!
All
Hurrah!
(Start to take Barnaby away. TOM TOM ENTERS UP R.)
Jill
Hi! Tom Tom, just in time!
Tom
(Coming down C.)
What for?
Barnaby
(Rushing to Tom)
To save me from the town pump! Stop 'em, my boy, stop 'em,
don't let 'em hurt your future brother-in-law!
Tom
(At C. laughing)
What you? Which of my sisters had caught your miserly eye?
Barnaby
(Ecstatically)
It's Mary --willful, but entrancing Mary!
Tom
(Derisively)
YOU want to marry Contrary Mary? You might as well try to turn
off the sun and blow out the stars!
(All laugh)
But let him go, friends, as a favor to me! We may be relatives
yet.
(Goes down L.)
Barnaby
(L.C.)
Ah! Then there's hope for me with Contrary Mary?
Tom
Not a gleam, but some day, you may be my uncle-in-law!
Barnaby
(With pretended grief)
If you mean my niece Jane? She and Alan are at the bottom of the
sea.
Barnaby
(Mopping eyes with handkerchief)
They'll never come back to their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby!
(TOM TOM goes up stage)
Jill
And what's their broken-hearted Uncle Barnaby going to do
with their fortune?
(CROWD again gathers around Barnaby)
Barnaby
(Hypocritically)
I'm keeping it for them --the law forces me to do tat.
Jill
Trust you to take good care of money. You skinflint! But you'll
be wise if you take better care to keep out of our way hereafter.
Now go!
(They all jeer and threaten him)
(BARNABY is chased off up R.)
(He exits, followed by Jill & all)
(TOM picks up his staff and bundle from steps of house.
HILDA enters from house left.)
Hilda
Master Tom Tom where are you going?
Tom Tom
Hilda, I'm going to find the girl I'm in love with - Jane.
Hilda
Old Barnaby's niece? ---
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up right)
But wasn't she lost at sea with her brother Alan?
Tom
Old Barnaby says so, and that's why I don't believe it.
Gonzorgo
(Dropping down to him)
But me and my sad faced companion can prove it. We were the
sole survivors of the wreck.
Gonzorgo
I was in charge of the ship, my name is Gonzorgo.
(Pointing to Roderigo.)
This is my mate and friend to boot.
Roderigo
Yes, friend to boot!
Gonzorgo
We swear by our right hands
(They raise left hands)
everyone was lost on the ship but us.
Hilda
I don't think they're telling the truth!
Tom
Nor do I!
(Looking instantly at both of them)
I remember seeing you two some place before, where was it?
Roderigo
You don't by any chance go in for the three B's do you?
Gonzorgo
Yes, the three B's. Bridge, Bank Nite and Bingo!
Tom
(Pointing at Gonzorgo)
I saw you at the Village Fair. You were running the carasel.
And you offered to wager you could pick the horse that would come
in first.
Gonzorgo
(Drawing sword)
You can't accuse us of cheating, it must have been two other
scoundrels. Defend yourself!
(Attacks TOM, who parries with his staff and knocks
Gon's sword from his hand as WIDOW PIPER ENTERS from the
house L.)
Hilda
(Running to her)
Oh, Mrs. Piper, you're just in time!
Widow
(Coming down C.)
Tom, don't be rude to the gentleman!
Gonzorgo
(Gallantly)
Madam, is he your little boy?
Widow
Yes, he is the black sheep of our family -- but I love him!
Gon.
He can't be the white-haired boy and still a black sheep.
Roderigo
Maybe she's color blind.
Gon
Because of that, I spare him.
(Picks up sword, TOM & HILDA GO UP STAGE)
Widow
Accept the blessings of a lonely widow!
Gon.
(Elbowing Roderigo away)
Have you been lonely long?
Roderigo
(Pointing to Tom.)
And have you only the white-haired black sheep to love?
Widow
No, he has 13 sisters and brothers who need a father's care.
Rod.
That's a lot of work for one caretaker.
Gonzorgo
Fourteen children! And -
(Points to house)
Is this where you call the Convention to order?
Widow
Yes, Mr. Piper left us very well off. And this is our cottage.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo look at each other)
Gonzorgo
(Turns to Widow)
I adore the country, don't you?
Widow
Did you ever try to rent an apartment in the City with 14
children?
Gonzorgo
(Tenderly)
And when the nestlings have all flown away, have you ever thought
of mating once again?
Widow
Well, of course I've had my moments. Will you gentlemen enter
and partake of some refreshments?
Gon. & Roderigo
Will we!? We will.
Widow
I married once for money. If I wed again, it will have to be
an artist, a poet, or a hero.
Roderigo
I'm not an expert accountant, but did you say you had 14
children?
Gonzorgo
Your second husband would have to be a hero.
(The THREE EXEUNT into house left)
Hilda
(To Tom)
I'll look for the children, Master Tom, and tell them you're
going away.
Tom
Thank you, Hilda.
(HILDA exits up Left)
(BO PEEP enters right, dejectedly)
Tom
Why, sister Bo Peep, you have the saddest face I've ever seen.
Bo Peep
I missed most of the party, because I lost my sheep.
Tom
That's nothing for you to feel sheepish about - don't cry,
little Bo Peep, don't cry.
SONG #2.
(TOM, BO PEEP, PIPER CHILDREN & CHORUS.)
(During the song, JILL and OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)
(After number)
Tom
I've just found out why old Barnaby is paying for this party.
Tom
He wants everybody on hand to hear his engagement announcement.
Bo Peep
Engagement? To whom?
Bo Peep
Oh, Mary hasn't gone and done a dreadful thing like that?
Tom
Not yet. But mother's set on the match, and is going to
announce the engagement anyway.
(ALL express anger)
Jill
Let Barnaby keep his old party! I'm going back to tidy up the
stable!
(Starts up L. to exit. Others stop her.)
Bo Peep
Party! He can't buy us with lemonade and chocolate eclaires,
can he girls?
All
No!
(JILL sits on stage down L.C.)
Tom
I hope all of you will keep out of trouble till I get back.
(Starts up Right)
Tom
Away this very hour to look for Jane!
Miss Moffett
(One of the Piper children)
Do keep out of that awful forest! They say there's a veil in
it filled with spiders.
Tom
I will, Little Miss Moffett, no spiders for you eh? I know how
tough it was on the tuffet.
Miss Moffett
(Shuddering)
I don't like to see spiders. When you've seen one of them
you've seen them all.
Tom
Well I'm off on my hunt for Jane. Who'll go as far as the turn
of the road with me?
(Starts up right)
(HILDA ENTERS from house left, with small package in hand)
Hilda
Wait, Master Tom, you mustn't go around the world hungry.
Here's a box of sandwiches with jelly and pickle.
Tom
Thank you, Hilda. And good-bye! Come along, boys and girls.
(EXITS with ALL except HILDA and Jill)
Hilda
(Waving to Tom)
Goodbye! Goodbye! Just think, he's leaving his native home
land. He'll be like a man without a country. What can be
worse than that!
Jill
Nothing "except a country without a man".
Hilda
He's going around the world to find his sweetheart.
(JANE ENTERS up L. in gypsy boy's costume)
Jill
And everybody knows that Jane is under the ocean.
Jane
Everybody except Jane!
Hilda
You? It isn't you, is it?
Jane
Hilda, it simply can't be anybody else!
Hilda
(Embracing her)
Where's Alan?
Jane
He stopped to pin up a tear in his skirt.
Jane
After the shipwreck, our clothes were in tatters-- but we met a
band of gypsies that gave us what clothing they could spare.
And we had to arrange it thus.
(Indicates costume)
Hilda
(Pointing off L.)
And here's Alan, a regular gypsy!
(ALAN ENTERS dressed as a gypsy girl with tambourine
swinging from waist.)
Alan
Hilda and Jill! Would you know me?
Hilda
Never, Alan, if I hadn't been told.
Alan
I am Floretta - until further notice--Floretta, the Fawn of the
Forest.
(Pirouettes)
Jane
(To Hilda)
How is our Uncle Barnaby?
Jill
(At C)
Your Uncle Barnaby is well.
Alan
(Eagerly)
And Contrary Mary?
Hilda
(With meaning)
Still waiting for a certain young man to come back from being
drowned.
Hilda
(Goes up R)
Just started to find you. Quick! If he hasn't gone too far, we
can catch him!
(Points off R)
Jane
Don't go away, Alan, and look out for the Widow Piper.
Remember you're not too popular, with Mary's mother.
Hilda and Jill, let's hurry!
(HILDA, JILL & JANE EXEUNT quickly up right)
(THE WIDOW PIPER ENTERS FROM house)
Alan
Ah. here you are now!...I mean, do you want your palm read?
Widow
A gypsy! Yes I will have my fortune told. Can you tell fortunes?
Alan
Better than an income tax collector. I peek into the future
at 25 cents a peek.
(WIDOW gives Alan money)
Widow
There, peek for me!
Alan
(Looks at her hand)
Your name is Piper! You've had an unfortunate marriage.
Widow
Can you tell that by the lines in my hand?
Alan
No, by the lines under your eyes. Your husband is dead. He was
not very handsome, he had A. & P. eyes. One eye faced the
Atlantic and one eye faced the Pacific. You have a daughter
named Mary. She should marry a young man whose name begins with
A. He has a lovely character, is charming, gifted and attractive.
Widow
If you're talking about a wretched, no-account young fool named
Alan, you're all wrong.
Alan
No, I am -- that is he is -a character every one could love.
I'd even love him myself,-- that is, if I knew him.
Widow
I don't think this is such a very good reading.
Alan
I could do better with tea leaves....if you could bring me a
cup of tea....and perhaps some hot biscuits...I also read the
future by hot buttered biscuits.
Widow
Go ahead, Gypsy, and tell me more about myself.
(Gonzorgo enters from house.)
I have two suitors - which shall I marry?
Alan
I must see them first.
(Widow points to Gonzorgo)
Alan
Well, if that is one, I'd advise you to take the other.
Gonzorgo
What have we here, a gypsy?
Widow
Yes. Let her read your hand.
Gonzorgo
(To Alan)
I give you my hand, to find out if she-
(Indicating widow)
Will give me her hand.
Alan
But first you must take off your glove.
Gon.
I'm not wearing gloves, my hands are sunburned.
Alan
(Examining his hand)
Yes, expecially the palms.
(Looks in hand)
Oh, I can't go on! After you've had your hands read will
your face be red!
Gonzorgo
I know you see there a mad love and devotion.
Alan
Yes, I can see you returning home at night and this lady
with her fourteen children, waiting to greet you on the
front porch.
Alan
Yes, and your present wife and triplets waiting for you on
the back porch!
Widow
Gonzorgo! You! You are married?
Gonzorgo
Well, yes, and no!
Alan
He has a wife. And his wife's feet are always so tired, her
toes want to turn in!
Gonzorgo
It's false.
(To Widow)
Dost doubt Gonzorgo?
Alan
(To Gonzorgo)
She dosts, and the sooner you dust the better.
Widow
(To Alan)
You don't know what a service you've done me, you've torn the
mask from his face. Thank you so much, thank you so much,
Floretta, the Fawn!
(EXITS INTO HOUSE)
Gonzorgo
(Turning to Alan)
So, you are the Fawn! --Well, there goes my deer and my doe!
You are a gypsy with the accent on the gyp.
(EXITS into house)
Alan
Not bad, for the Fawn of the forest.
(Pirouettes)
(HILDA & JANE enter up R)
Jane
(To Alan)
We couldn't find Tom Tom.
Hilda
If you need any clothes the children have plenty to spare.
(Female chorus begins to enters)
(JANE remains on)
Alan
(to Hilda)
Get me some boys togs. I feel it would be well for Floretta to
vanish.
(HILDA EXITS into house L.)
2nd Girl
Perhaps a fortune-teller!
1st Girl
Do you tell fortunes?
Alan
Do I? It was destined by the stars that I was to be a fortune-
teller. My father was born under the sign of the crab,
and I was born under the sign of the bull. I can tell you
everything except the size of the National debt.
SONG: #3.
"FLORETTA"
(ALAN and singing CHORUS all exeunt after song)
(EIGHT DANDIES ENTER RIGHT.)
1st Dandy
I don't see anything of her anywhere.
2nd Dandy
Contrary Mary always works at her garden at this house.
(HILDA enters from house)
1st Dandy
Is Miss Mary at home?
Hilda
No, she's at school. She's taking a course in domestic silence.
2nd Dandy
You mean domestic science.
Hilda
No, she's going to cooking school.
1st Dandy
We merely dropped in to inquire about her garden.
Hilda
It's doing very well, thank you.
(BO PEEP AND OTHER PIPER CHILDREN ENTER)
Bo Peep
Oh, look, aren't you Mary's Beaux?
Hilda
There's quite a crowd to see Mary.
(MARY ENTERS)
Mary
And I just love crowds!
Mary
I'm glad to see you all collectively. Won't you make
yourselves at home?
1st Beaux
Mary, is it true that you are going to marry?
Mary
Of course I'm going to marry....
Mary
That is - some day! I don't know when or to whom!
2nd Beau
Can't you make a choice now?
1st Beau
Yes, each one of us is proposing to you.
Mary
I'll consider your offer. But here's what I expect from the
man I could really love.
SONG: #4.
(Cho. of Dandies and Children,
and Dance)
(All exeunt on number except MARY. Enter BARNABY up right
with large bouquet.)
Barnaby
(Tendering bouquet)
Here, pretty one, is a bunch of pretty blosoms, and I only
wish they were as pretty as you.
Mary
(Takes bouquet indifferently)
Thank you.
Barnaby
I've hidden a tender little note in that bouquet. I'll go away
and let it speak for me.
(Goes R)
Mary
Oh, say it yourelf, and have it over with!
Barnaby
(Pulling bench on R)
Sit down.
(They sit on bench)
Don't be cruel, Mary. Won't you marry me?
(Takes her hand)
I know the bloom is no longer on my cheek---
Mary
(Withdrawing hand)
Pardon me, but there's nothing wrong with your cheek.
Barnaby
(Angrily, rises)
You may be treating me this way in the hopes that Alan will
come back and marry you. Take my word for it, you'll never
see him again.
Mary
(Throws bouquet away)
How I wish I could say the same of you.
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO enter from house)
Barnaby
Here's proof! The very men in whose tender care I placed my
niece and nephew. Now do you believe me?
Mary
I'll neither believe you nor marry you!
(Starts toward house)
Not if you were the last man on earth! Not if you gave me steam
yachts - castles, or the richest jewelry. My foot is down!
That foot -- the other foot -- both feet!
(Exits into house)
Gonzorgo
Well, are you ready to settle with your silent partners?
Barnaby
I don't understand you.
Gonzorgo
(To him)
You can hear us, even if we are your silent partners.
And here's what we want to broadcast to you. How about our
contract to get rid of your niece and nephew?
Barnaby
What have you done with Jane and Alan?
Gonzorgo
They are now playing harps with Saint Pete and his golden Gaters.
(Roderigo sobs)
We chartered an old dilapidated schooner and we lured Alan
and Jane on board, we told them it was the show boat.
(Roderigo sobs)
The boat was an old dilapidated wreck that we christened
"Static". We knew the schooner would soon be under the foam.
(Roderigo sobs)
The weather bureau said it would be clear weather but we knew
they were wrong as usual. Soon it began to rain - it rained
cats and dogs, - I know because I stepped in several poodles.
(Roderigo sobs)
We knew if the storm struck -- the waves would strike -- and the
crew would go on a sit-down strike. Well, IT did - - they did --
and we did. Down went the hull of the Ship.
(Roderigo sobs)
Roderigo
You mean the whole of the ship.
Gonzorgo
Hull or whole- what is a little pronunciation among friends?
The ship sank! And everyone but us two are now sleeping on
the ocean bed with oysters as pillows.
(Barnaby suddenly begins to sob)
What are you crying for?
Barnaby
I've seen the last of my little charges.
Gonzorgo
And now you'll see the first of ours.
(Presents bills)
Gonzorgo
My little charges for disposing of your little charges.
(Hands bill to Barnaby)
Barnaby
(Reading it)
500 dollars!?
Roderigo
For scuttling one ship.
Barnaby
What part of it did you do?
Roderigo
I was 1st vice-president in charge of the scuttle department.
Barnaby
Follow me down to my office, I am the manager of the T.C.N.P.U.
--Finance Company. There is much money in my vault.
Gonzorgo
The T.C.N.P.U. finance company? What does the T.C.N.P.U. stand
for?
Barnaby
They Can Never Pay Up!
(All three exeunt right)
(JANE & ALAN ENTER in school children's dress, from
house.)
Alan
Remember Jane, when we meet Mary, two is company, and three -
is a conference.
Jane
Don't worry. I know when I'm not wanted.
(Sees bouquet left by Barnaby. Picks it up)
What a pretty bouquet!
(Sniffs at it)
M'm. How sweet!
(Hands it to Alan)
Alan
(Sniffing bouquet)
Wonder where it came from. What's this?
(Takes card from heart of bouquet)
A card.
(Glances at it)
Alan
(Throws bouquet away angrily, reads card)
"To darling Mary". "From her future husband."
Jane
Oh, Alan! In your absence have you been jilted?
Alan
I'll never speak to her again!
Mary
(Backing in from house and calling off)
I won't dress for the party, I won't! I won't!
Alan
(Signals to Jane, who exits)
Alan
Oh Mary!
(With a sudden change of manner)
How do you do, Miss Piper?
Mary
(Stiffly)
Very well, thank you. Don't you think we need rain?
Alan
Yes--a change. Some people can't get along with change.
(Pointing to bench)
Won't you sit down?
Mary
Thank you.
(They sit stiffly)
Alan
I haven't seen you for some time.
Mary
You've been away, haven't you?
Alan
Have you really noticed it?
Mary
It just occurred to me.
Mary
Very.
(Archly)
I think I need something around me.
(Repeats louder)
I think I need something around me.
Alan
(Coldly)
I heard what you said.
(Slides to other end of bench)
Mary
Alan, I don't understand such behavior.
Alan
Better ask your future husband to explain it!
Mary
My future husband? Who is he?
Alan
Who is he? Is this a guessing contest?
Mary
What do you mean?
(Rises - going L.C.)
Alan
You're somebody's darling, an old man's darling, perhaps a nice
lovely old man with millions!
Mary
Oh, don't you think you're smart?
Alan
There's my reason.
(Shows card he has taken from bouquet)
Mary
It isn't so! I don't know who wrote this, and you're just horrid
to believe it!
Alan
I've got to believe my eyes.
Mary
You believe your eyes before you believe me? Then I've found
you out in time. You never loved me--and--don't you dare to ever
speak to me again!
Mary
Good-bye, forever!
(Neither moves)
Alan
I heard what you said.
Mary
Oh, did you? Well, this time it is goodbye forever!
And when I say forever I mean definitely! Goodbye!
(Looks at Alan, exits into house.)
(JANE enters up L.)
Jane
What did Mary do to you, Alan?
Alan
She didn't do anything to me, but she loves somebody else.
I'm going to take my part of the fortune Uncle Barnaby is keeping
for us, and go far far away!
Jane
I'll get my money from him too, and I'll go with you.
Jane
I don't know, don't you?
Alan
Let's get a map and stick a pin in it, and whever the pin
sticks, we'll go!
Jane
I've got a pin.
(Producing one)
Alan
I have one too.
(Produces another)
(BARNABY ENTERS RIGHT)
(Barnaby sees them, is startled)
Barnaby
What is this--why--?
Jane
We're glad to see you.
Alan
And we want our money.
Barnaby
(Recoiling)
Ghosts, they can't be alive, ghosts!! Take them away!
Alan
Will you pay us our money?
Barnaby
No, no, you are dead. Go away! Ghosts!
Alan
We'll show you how alive we are. Present arms!
(He and Jane draw pins.)
Attack!
(They start after Barnaby with pins and he runs in terror
and exits)
(As they chase him off BLACK OUT)
(As in original or
Alan & Jane remain on
as Barnaby rushes off)
Jane
We almost stuck him for the money.
Are you still going to travel?
Alan
Yes. Although we'll be homeless rovers on
the highway.
(They sing)
CHORUS
Both:
We're too little trailers
Trailing around
And no parking space any place have we found.
Without any definite home.
We're two birds of passage -
Where can we light?
And where is the nest - we can rest for the night?
But it's all right wherever we're bound
Two trailers just trailing around.
(LIGHTS DIMMER DOWN on them and Change to Scene II)
CHANGE OF SCENE
ACT I:
SCENE II: Garden well
(Alex or Etc.)
(GONZORGO & RODERIGO enter right.)
Roderigo
Was that the widow Piper who slammed the door in our faces?
Gonzorgo
Yes, it was. Thanks to that gypsy, what was her name gypsy --?
Gonzorgo
No, no, she was a gypsy Fawn. Not a gypsy Bear
(bare)
.
(ENTER BARNABY LEFT)
Roderigo
Have you brought our pay?
Barnaby
Pay? You haven't earned it yet. Jane and Alan have returned.
Barnaby
Nothing. They think it was all an accident. While they still
trust us we must try again to -to remove them.
Barnaby
I've told them I bought a new country house while they were
away, and you two must take them there tonight, but the road
to it leads thru the Spider's Forest.
(They exchange knowing glance)
Business detains me in the village. In the depth of the forest
you will accidentally lose the children.
Roderigo
It's a deadly place. I've heard of it.
Barnaby
Alive with dangers--small chance the children will ever come
out of it.
Barnaby
I don't think so.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo, together)
Barnaby
(Correcting self)
I don't think so many dangers are there....that is, for you.
Gonzorgo
But when we have carried out the designs, we expect to be paid
in cash.
Roderigo
Yes, it's strictly a cash and carry proposition.
Barnaby
Don't worry about the money, I'll fetch the children here, and
remember everything is on the q.t.
(EXITS)
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO tog. in rhythm)
Gon & Rod.
On the Q.T. On the Q.T.
If we get our dough- re- mi--
Only so fa -for the dough
Ray me fa so la si do!
(They do DANCE OFF.)
(OR SPECIALTY DANCE)
(BOY BLUE looks cautiously over the garden well.)
Boy Blue
Come on, the lawn is empty.
(BO PEEP looks over the wall)
Bo Peep
Hurry up Mary, now's your chance!!
(MARY looks over wall)
Boy Blue
Do you know where you're going?
Mary
As far from old Barnaby as I can get. And if I never come
back, you can have my Shirley Temple doll.
Bo Peep
Oh, don't talk that way!
(Mary climbs down the wall assisted by the vine and boy
BLUE and Bo Peep)
Boy Blue
Careful -slowly--there you are!
Mary
Hand down my baggage, please.
(They hand her a canary bird cage with bird in it;
a shopping bag, a big music roll; a camera, and a
little pink parasol)
Goodbye! Goodbye!
Boy Blue and Bo Peep
Goodbye!
Mary
Boy Blue, you won't forget to feed the guinea pigs?
Mary
Goodbye! And don't forget to give some little pieces of cheese
to my little mice, Mickey and Minnie. And take care of my
Donald Duck.
(starts to go. Rushes back again)
Oh...oh...I forgot!
Mary
My overshoes!
(They hand the overshoes to her. MARY EXITS L. to general
chorus of goodbyes)
Bo Peep
Tom Tom and Mary gone in one day! Mother will be pleased!
Simon
There she is, coming in the front way with the children.
Bo Peep
Not a word!
(After "not a word")
Simon
Here comes somebody!
(All start to dodge down.)
(Bo Peep stays)
(JANE ENTERS R)
Bo Peep
Oh, it's only Jane!
Jane
Only me. Where are the rest of the children?
Boy Blue
Getting ready for school.
Bo Peep
I just despise it. Why, I'd rather get married than to go to
school.
(Leaves wall)
Jane
Where are you all now?
Simon
Still in the primary. It's the nasty arithmetic that's keeping
us back. Look at those sums we've got for today.
(Drops book to Jane)
Where the leaf is turned down.
Red Riding Hood
Come on boys and girls, Jane is going to do our sums for us!
(Sits on wall other Piper children do the same)
I can't do that sum!
(JANE and all)
SONG NO. 7. or 7-a.
"I CAN'T DO THAT SUM". Jane and Ensemble.
Children.
(JANE EXITS ON NUMBER.)
(ALL EXIT on number)
Barnaby
Now, Alan, my boy, you're going to my new home with Jane--
(ENTER GONZORGO AND RODERIGO L)
--and these friends of mine.
Alan
Here's Jane, I'll tell her.
(JANE RE-ENTERS R)
Jane, we're going to Uncle Barnaby's new home!
Alan
A little journey, and these fellows are to take us.
(Indicates Gon. and Rod.)
Barnaby
They'll see you safely there, and I'll follow.
Alan
We're ready. And tomorrow I want my share of my fortune!
Barnaby
We'll tend to that when you see me in the morning.
Jane
(Looking at Gon and Rod)
If those men had long beards--
Alan
I know. You'd think they were the villains who lured us on
the boat.
Gonzorgo
It wasn't us. I wouldn't harm a hair in anyone's head -- not
even Joe Louis'.
Roderigo
And I have an alibi. See my laywers, O'Brien, O'Rafferty,
O'Reilly, and O'Cohen.
(THEY take Jane and Alan's arms, Jane and Alan
together)
Jane & Alan
Good-bye! Goodbye!
(JANE ALAN GONZORGO & RODERIGO Exeunt left)
Barnaby
And you will never see me again. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Forever!
DARK CHANGE:
SCENE III Spider's Forest.
Specialty with Animal number. To open
scene, (Possibly the kitchen pirates)
ENTER JANE & ALAN.
Alan
Rest here. This is a good place.
(Leading her to mouth of Bear's den)
Jane
There's a spider's web.
Alan
With a white moth in it.
Jane
Poor thing! -as badly tangled up in that web as we are in
these woods! Do set it free.
(Alan releases the moth)
Alan
There it goes, flying for dear life.
(Looking about)
I wish we could fly too!
Jane
I wish we could, for I can't walk!
Alan
Then we'll rest a while.
(Sits beside Jane)
Try to sleep a bit.
Alan
(Badly scared)
Frightened! Ha, ha! What's that?
Jane
I don't know.
(Pointing off)
What's that?
Alan
Nothing at all. Don't worry I'm here to protect you!
Come, let's go over here and take a little nap.
Jane
Yes, I'm so, so tired!
Alan
(Leading her off to one side)
Yes, yes, we'll take a little sleep.
(They lie down)
Sleep, sleep...a little peaceful sleep.
(They doze off.)
BUTTERFLY BALLET:
END OF ACT I.
BABES IN TOYLAND
ACT II
-----
ACT II:
SCENE: The Christmas Tree Grove in Toyland.
TOYLAND FAIR WALTZ:
and Chorus:
(At the end of the number Barnaby and Widow Piper enter
from arch up L.C. HILDA from down R)
Barnaby
(To Hilda)
Mary's in Toyland, I'm sure of that, and we'll not go home
again till we find her.
Widow
A fine dance she has lead us for three weeks!
Barnaby
(Sentimentally)
A love-chase for me.
Widow
Never mind, we'll make her Mrs. Barnaby yet.
Barnaby
With the aid of Isnpector Marmaduke!
(MARMADUKE enters from arch, unseen by others)
Barnaby
The leading detective of Toyland.
Marmaduke
(Melodramatically)
You have sent for Marmaduke and he is here!
Barnaby
Can you find Contrary Mary?
Marmaduke
You have sent for me because you cannot find her yourself!
Widow
(To Hilda)
He's a regular mind-reader!
Barnaby
Do you think you can run her down?
Marmaduke
(With dignity)
A well-bred detective never runs a lady down.
Widow
Mary was the apple of my eye. She has lips like cherries
and cheeks like peaches.
Marmaduke
(Writing in note-book)
Wanted--a female with a face like a fruit store. Would you
like to take her dead or alive?
Barnaby
Alive for choice. She's to be my wife, you know.
Marmaduke
Must she marry you?
Barnaby & Widow
She must!
Marmaduke
(Going L.)
And does she know it?
Barnaby & Widow
She does.
Marmaduke
We'll begin with looking in the river.
(Exit down L. with Widow and Barnaby)
(TOMTOM ENTERS from arch)
Hilda
Tom Tom!
(They embrace)
My, but your Ma's mad at you and Mary!
Tom
(Surprised)
Where is mother? Not here in Toyland?
Hilda
Here with your brothers and sisters and old Barnaby.
Tom
Don't say you've seen me.
Tom
I'm employed as Court Crier to the Court Royal, and Mary is
a doll's dressmaker at the Master Toymaker's workshop, under
the name of Mlle. Elisette.
Hilda
Who's the Master Toymaker?
Tom
A great person here. He sets the fashion in dolls and toys
for all the world.
Hilda
Barnaby has just engaged Inspector Marmaduke to hunt for
Mary.
Tom
Follow me, we'll go to her and warn her!
(BOTH EXEUNT up L.)
(MARMADUKE re-enters down R)
(JAKE and ALAN enter from arch)
Marmaduke
Strangers! Where did you come from?
Alan
We know where we come from, but we don't where we've
got to. We were lost in a forest at our home, and after many
adventures, reached a strange sea coast. A passing vessel
brought us here, and we don't care how soon another takes us
away.
Marmaduke
This is Toyland.
Alan
(To Marmaduke)
Toyland? Were you made in Germany or Connecticut?
Marmaduke
(Indignantly)
I'm not a dummy. I'm a detective.
Alan
What's the difference?
Marmaduke
Do you know Contrary Mary, I'm looking for her?
(JAKE & ALAN nod)
Tell me what she wore the last time you saw her.
(Produces note book)
Jane
A blue and white polka-dot dress.
Alan
You'll be sure to find her now.
Alan
A polka-dot dress is always spotted.
Jane
If I could only find Tom Tom, I wouldn't care.
(To Marmaduke)
Do you know Tom Tom?
Marmaduke
Is it anything like Contract?
Jane
No, he's a young man - very very handsome...and he has the
grandest eyes and teeth and the most sensitive ears --
Marmaduke
I'm not in the least interested.
Jane
Of course everybody doesn't call him Tom Tom.
Alan
No, especially those who don't know him.
Jane
His family name was Piper, so to strangers he is Mr. Piper,
but he is very very handsome, and he has the grandest eyes
and teeth, and the most sensitive ears.
Marmaduke
But I haven't sensitive ears.
(Rushes off under arch.)
(GIRLS BEGIN TO ENTER DURING preceding speech)
Jane
Wait, I want to tell you more about Tom Tom.
1st Girl
(Looking at Jane and Alan)
My dear, what fine looking things the parade has brought to
town!
2nd Girl
What perfect frights, they must have fallen out of the
moon.
1st Girl
Tell us where you came from?
Jane
First, I want to find out something about the place I am
in! Pardon me while I go sight seeing!
(EXITS down R)
1st Girl
And who are you?
Alan
I'm nothing yet, but when I grow up, I want to be a radio
star.
1st Girl
What could you do on the radio?
Alan
I could be Uncle Don Crosby. That's something new, isn't
it? Giving advice to the children in song form.
1st Girl
You mean a sort of lullaby?
SONG
ALAN AND CHORUS:
"ROCK A BYE BABY"
(Alan and others exeunt on number)
(PIPER CHILDREN ENTER from L. side of stage,
they are playfully pulling the master toymaker
after them, each child drags or carries on a toy.
Possible dance here with BABY DOLLS...or a cakewalk)
Toymaker
There! There! You have me quite out of breath, my dears.
I must rest a moment.
(Sits on large toy block, which two of the children
place C. for him)
Bo Peep
When we find Mother, she'll pay you for these lovely play-
things.
Toymaker
There's nothing to pay. I am the world's master toymaker
and I want to give these toys to you. Just a little
rememberance in the heart of a child is more to me than
anything else in the world.
(A general murmur "Thank you" etc)
Bo Peep
Haven't you any little boys and girls of your own?
Toymaker
No. That's why I'm free to love all children, and to try
and make them love me.
Red Hiding Hood
Do you make toys that talk?
Toymaker
Aye, talk and walk and do everything but think. I can give
them everything but a soul, and some day I may give them
even that.
(He reads the underlined phrase, so tragically, that
all the children shrink from him. Noticing their notion
he immediately returns to his amiable manner)
But I must go. I have work to do.
(To Children)
Come to my work-shop, and see all the other toys that I
have there.
(EXITS down L. ENTER WIDOW from arch)
Widow
Ah here are my angels!
Bo Peep
See what the Master Toymaker has given us.
(Children show toys, BARNABY enters up L., holding TOMTOM
by the wrist)
Barnaby
Here's Tom-Tom. Just caught him in the crowd.
(Cries of "Hello Tom Tom", "Hello, brother", from
the children)
Widow
Naughty boy, where's your sister?
Tom
(Defiantly)
I don't know. I don't know anything about her.
Barnaby
Tell the truth, you rascal! You ran away together.
Tom
No, we didn't. I don't know where Mary is at all!
Widow
(To children)
Come, all of you, look for her. Scatter and be quick about
it! Tom tom, you go with us.
(WIDOW EXITS quickly with TOM TOM)
Barnaby
(To children)
Hurry up! Find your sister! Be off with you!
Bo Peep
Find her for you? Not much.
(The children rush off stage; JILL remains on the stage
playing with the doll the Toymaker gave her, BARNABY
turns and sees JILL busy with doll, sitting on the stage
down R)
Barnaby
(Sharply)
Jill, why don't you do as you're told?
(Sneeringly)
Precious Pet-mother's ownest! Just wait till I'M your
brother-in-law!
Jill
(Guying him)
I could faint with joy at the prospect!
Barnaby
Badness, where do you expect to go when you die?
Jill
If it's any place where you ain't, I'll be happy.
Barnaby
(Shaking his cane at her)
(Furiously)
If you were only mine! How I could box your ears! if you
were only mine!
Jill
(With mock sentiment)
It's hopeless! I can never be yours!
(Barnaby seizes Jill's doll, strikes it, then kicks
it about the stage)
Help! Help! A lady's being struck -give me my doll!
(GRUMIO ENTERS at top of runway over arch. Hears
Jill's cries, stumbles and rolls down runway to stage)
Grumio
(Picking up doll and facing Barnaby)
Hold! How dare you strike a helpless female in the face!
Jill
Bless you! You have saved my child!
(Faints in Grumio's arms)
Barnaby
You'll hear from me later.
(EXITS angrily under arch)
Grumio
(Calling after him)
Yes, do write, even if it's just a post-card.
Courage, beautiful stranger--your child has only lost an
ear.
Jill
My name is Jill. What's yours?
Grumio
Grumio. I'm the Master Toymaker's apprentice. What do you
do?
Jill
Oh, I live a life of leisure, but I'm going to leave
society and go to work. Perhaps I'll even be on relief.
Grumio
I had trouble at home too. Mother kept a butler,
who objected to my wearing his evening clothes.
Jill
But didn't you ever have any other ambitions?
Grumio
Yes, I wanted to be a politician. It's the only business
where you can sit down and run at the same time!
Jill
Is there any chance of landing a job here.
Grumio
Come to my master's workshop. They're shorthanded there
and I can get you a place.
Jill
Can you fix my doll there?
Grumio
(Holding doll so sawdust pours out)
Yes, better hurry up, she may have a sawdust hemmorhage.
Grumio
My charge will be just one kiss.
Jill
All right, you send the bill to mother.
Grumio
But after I've seen mother's face, I may not want to collect
it. Give me one kiss and I'll be satisfied.
Grumio
You won't give me one kiss.
Jill
Yes, but you won't be satisified.
(HE starts to kiss her)
(Pantomine) - (Possibly a
dance speciality.)
(He is just about to kiss her,
but enter the WIDOW and Barnaby.)
Widow
Brute!
(Leads Jill down stage grasping her by the ear,
and Barnaby chases Grumio off stage thru arch.)
You're too young to be kissing strangers!
Jill
I just wanted to find out what a kiss was.
Widow
A kiss is nothing divided by two.
Widow
(Contd)
You got that kissing idea from the movies...from now on
you'll see nothing but travelogues.
(Leads JILL off Left.)
Toymaker
(Enters with MAN reading document.)
You may report to me in the toyshop, in an hour!
Barnaby
(ENTERS from arch.)
(To Toymaker)
You're the King-pin of all the toymakers, I've heard. I'd
like to hire you to make a few toys for me.
Toymaker
Ah, then you love the children too?
Barnaby
Oh, I simply dote on them!
Toymaker
What would you like me to make for them?
Barnaby
A lot of dangerous toys. Toys that a child would eagerly
accept. That would destroy them, and even kill them,
in some clever way.
(JANE ENTERS under arch, overhears)
Toymaker
Why do you hate the children so bitterly?
Barnaby
My late sister left her two vicious bad-tempered children
Alan and Jane for me to look after. What a life they've
led me! Even their fortune, which will be mine in another
week, could hardly repay me for the trouble they have caused
me.
Barnaby
Yes, they were lost in the forest, I've seen the last of them!
(JANE exits silently)
A thousand dollars, if you'll take the order. Twelve hundred!
Fifteen hundred!
Barnaby
Eighteen hundred!
Toymaker
No, no, don't tempt me. Eighteen hundred dollars for toys,
that would kill and destroy!
(Starts off L.)
Barnaby
I'll make it two thousand dollars! Just let me see you
alone in your work shop, and we'll close the bargain.
(BOTH EXEUNT L)
(JANE and ALAN enter under arch much excited)
Alan
And if we're not home in a week, Uncle Barnaby gets our
fortune!
Jane
Yes, that's what I heard him say!
Alan
Now I understand Uncle Barnaby now I know him.
He's as easy to see thru as a cellophane wrapper.
Jane
I'm sure he had us lost in the woods.
Alan
And lost at sea the same way. Oh, he's been playing a losing
game with every way.
Jane
We must get home--we haven't a penny, what's to be done?
Alan
Or, who's to be done?
Jane
First let us change these clothes. Nobody else in Toyland
dresses like this, and Uncle Barnaby will surely hear
about us.
Alan
That's a risk we can't afford. We must shift our wardrobe,
but how?
(JILL ENTERS L)
Jill
Can it be? Alan and Jane!
Jill
And a runaway just like you two!
Alan
I hope you've run away with a tailor!
Jill
Neither, but I've just been engaged to dress the dolls at
the Master Toymaker's.
Alan
Do you think you could find anything there to fit us?
We don't want to be captured.
Jill
Perhaps, some of the Toymaker's dolls are nearly as big as
you.
Jill
(Melodramatically)
Follow me!
(The three exeunt under arch)
(BO PEEP & BOY BLUE ENTER UNDER ARCH)
(Other Piper
Children re-enter)
Bo Peep
I wonder what's become of MAry?
Boy Blue
Maybe she's married a title, and has had to go to work to
support him.
(MARY ENTERS under arch with small milliner's box
under arm)
Bo Peep, Boy Blue etc.
It's Mary!
(General embrace)
Bo Peep
What in the world are you doing in Toyland?
(MARMADUKE ENTERS under arch)
Mary
Oh, I'm making dolls for the master Toymaker! and my alias
is Mam'sell Elisette.
Marmaduke
Hold in the name of the law! Stand up where you are! Hold, I
say!
Mary
(Ignoring Marmaduke, coming down with the group)
I want to hear all the news from home. Are all the guinea
pigs well, and how is the new donkey?
Mary
(Looking over her shoulder)
But you're not the one I was speaking of.
Marmaduke
Listen to me for a moment! Do any of you know a girl named
Mary? Don't answer if it may incriminate you.
Marmaduke
I am the world's most famous inspector!
Marmaduke
No, of the police! Describe Contrary Mary to me.
Mary
She has long bobbed hair, a lovely speaking voice,
but very loud. And she cries so much her cheeks are streamlined.
Marmaduke
(Taking notes)
Complexion?
Mary
Fair. Just fair, and I believe at that I'm exaggerating.
Marmaduke
How was she dressed when you saw her last?
Mary
She was wearing a white fish net over black satin....
the satin was white at one time. The neck line was high
with a Freddie Bartholomew collar...The back was low,
sweet and lo, - there were little cream puff sleeves...
with blue ribbon on the side...
Marmaduke
I don't believe --
Mary
The dress was straight to the knees, where it was gored by
8 champagne inserts to give it a waltz swing...a sort of
Champagne Waltz!
Marmaduke
I don't believe I'm getting anywhere....but I am getting
anywhere--anywhere away from you!
(Dashes off under arch)
Bo Peep
Well, you certainly tired him out!
Mary
You don't know how glad I am to see you all, but I wish
Tom Tom were here....
Boy Blue
And what about Alan? Don't you miss him?
Mary
Of course I do. Oh, if you only knew how heavy my heart
is.
SONG:
MARY.
(Mary and Children exeunt on number)
(GRUMIO enters from arch, carrying the head of a toy
captain)
Grumio
The toy captain is busted, and now the parade is spoiled.
(JILL enters L.)
Jill
What's the matter, Grumio?
Grumio
(Pointing to head)
I'll be put in jail for this. This was the wooden soldier
that was to head the wooden regiment he presents to the
City today... I had charge on him, and when I went to wind
him up, I found someone had stolen his clothes. Let me
find out who did it! That's all!
Jill
(Melodramatically)
Twas I Grumio!
(Falls on knees)
Jill
Strike and avenge yourself! I took the clothes to help
two old friends...
Grumio
Ah! To help old friends you ruin me! Be gone, female, and
leave me to the sorrow you have brought upon me!
(Throws her to the ground and steps over her)
(JANE & ALAN enter in the doll costumes and exchange
surprised glances and military salutes with the
other two)
Alan
(Noting Grumio's red hair)
(Aside to Jane)
Looks like a bottle of Chili sauce.
(Aloud)
Who are you?
Grumio
The Toymaker's apprentice, who is responsible for the toys
that you have broken.
(Points to wooden captain's broken head)
Alan
The wooden captain?
(To Jill)
The toy I broke when I took these clothes off of him!
Grumio
The same. It's time for the parade, but I can't start
without the wooden captain.
Alan
Well, I can't do without his clothes.
Grumio
(With sudden inspiration)
Then by the way of paying for them, you might lead the
parade yourself.
Alan
(Surprised)
What - me?
Grumio
That will get me out of the trouble that you have got me
into. Do you think you could act like a toy soldier?
Jane
(To Alan)
Of course -- just be yourself.
Alan
Jane, I'll lead the parade, and you can look for Tom Tom.
Jane
I'm sure Tom Tom isn't here.
Alan
(To Grumio)
One word more, my one cylinder brained friend! If I get you
out of this trouble, will you help us to get out of the country?
Grumio
Come to the work shop after the parade, and I'll arrange it!
Grumio
Leave that to me! Just join the wooden grenadiers, they're
ready to march!
Alan
(Takes Jane's hand)
Come on, we're off!
(Exeunt up Left)
(BUGLE CALL.)
Jill
Oh, the parade must have started.
Grumio
Come with me and I'll get you a seat in the reviewing stand!
(JILL and GRUMIO exeunt)
THE TOY MARCH
(Big number and dance and black cut and change to
Street scene.)
------------
ACT II:
SCENE II STREET SCENE:
Roderigo enters left with GONZORGO.
Roderigo
It's a cold world, Gonzorgo; unless something turns up,
I shall worry myself into a stew.
Gonzorgo
Worry yourself into two stews if possible- one for me!
Roderigo
Is it true what the gypsy said, are you married now?
Gonzorgo
No, my wife passed away a year ago. The light of my life has
gone, but I'd like to strike another match!
Roderigo
And here comes a possible flame! It's the Widow Piper.
Gonzorgo
My woodland fllower!--
Roderigo
Why do you call her a woodland flower?
Gonzorgo
She'll grow wild, if someone doesn't cultivate her!
Widow
(Entering right)
Have you seen anything of a young lady who answers to
the name of Mary?
Roderigo
(Tenderly)
You--Bernice?
Gonzorgo
(Tenderly)
Infatuated girl, why have you followed me here?
Widow
(Recognizing them)
Oh, Master Barnaby's friends!
Roderigo
Fate has mixed us up again.
Widow
(To Gonzorgo)
Have you forgotten what Floretta, the Fawn of the Forest
told me? You are married!
Gonzorgo
'Tis false, you are the only girl I ever loved. Don't seek
further for a husband!
Widow
Find my daughter Mary for me and I shall consider it!
Gonzorgo
What is she like?
Widow
She's only 15, very pretty, and very brainy. Here's a
description of her written on this paper. Find her and you
may be lucky!
(EXITS)
Gonzorgo
(To Roderigo)
If you were a young girl very pretty and very brainy, what
would you do?
Roderigo
I'd enter a beauty contest.
Gonzorgo
No, I said brainy. Brains! But if she is going to marry
old Barnaby, you could use her for a blue print to make an
idiot!
Roderigo
Yes, old Barnaby is 45, and she's only 15. He's three times
as old.
Gonzorgo
Yes and in five years he'll be fifty and she'll be 20, then
he'll only be two and a half times as old.
Roderigo
Yes and in 15 years he'll be sixty and she'll be thirty
then he'll only be twice as old!
Gonzorgo
How long will she have to wait before they become the
same age?
Roderigo
(Reading from the paper)
The paper says she left with someone else. It reads, "The
missing twain". Say, what does twain mean?
Gonzorgo
Twain, it means two!
Gonzorgo
Two -two! Twain!
Roderigo
You're too old to be talking baby talk!
Gonzorgo
My dear Watson, this is a very baffling case.
Roderigo
Don't you know a good solution?
Gonzorgo
Yes, boracic acid, that's a good solution. Now the
girl has been stolen by some desperate criminial, now
let's both concentrate. Who is the worst criminal you
know?
Rod. & Gon.
(Point at each other)
You!!
Marmaduke
(ENTERS)
Hold! I'm searching for Contrary Mary! Taking you at your
face value, you're both under arrest!
Gonzorgo
You can't arrest us, we've just been appointed detectives.
I appointed him.
Roderigo
(Indicating Gonzorgo)
And I appointed him!
Marmaduke
I will now give you the third degree!
Gonzorgo
Oh good, we're going to join a lodge!
Marmaduke
Have you ever committed any crimes?
Rod. & Gon.
No! We swear it by our right hands.
(They raise their left hands)
Marmaduke
(Producing bottle)
This is truth serum wine! The liquid lie detector,
quaff of it and you will tell the truth.
(Hands it to Roderigo)
You drink!
Roderigo
I'm as honest as
(Drinks)
--as the best bank robber and confidence man. How I laughed
when I sold people shares in a Hidden Treasure....
Marmaduke
(To Gonzorgo)
And you, you drink!
Gonzorgo
You doubt my honor.
(Drinks)
Wow! I am the king of larceny and arsony. And crooked
slot machines!
Marmaduke
Two very desperate cases! What was your most serious crime?
Roderigo
I worked for the EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY. I sold
lottery tickets!
Gonzorgo
And I sold Stock for the Wild Cat gold mine. I worked
for the Eureka, Get Rich Quick company.
Marmaduke
You are master criminals!
(Takes bottle)
Here's to crime!
(Takes drink)
...I was THE EUREKA GET RICH QUICK COMPANY!
BLACK OUT:
(Or exit of Marmaduke, and DANCE SPECIALTY FOR Gon. and
Rod.)
BLACK OUT:
-----------
SCENE III The Master Toymaker's toyshop.
WORKMEN discovered:
TOM TOM enters from door L.C.
Tom
Thanks to that friendly vine next to my prison windows, I
am free!
(Turns to workman.)
I have a summons for the Master Toymaker from the court
Royal!
Workman
You'll find him inside.
Tom
But I do not know him what does he look like?
Workman
You don't know the master toymaker? You must be a new-comer in
Toyland!
Tom
I am. But my father came here when I was a lad, and many times he
talked about it.
Workman
There is much to talk about here!
Tom
I remember he had many fond memories of Toyland!
NUMBER:
TOYLAND:
Tom-tom and
MALE CHORUS;
(Or as vocal number)
(Enter Toymaker from door L.)
Toymaker
Well, what can I do for you? Looking for a pretty toy?
Tom
(Indignantly)
Sir! Do I look as though I came from the nursery?
(Hands Toymaker document)
A summons from the Court Royal to the master Toymaker.
Toymaker
(Looking at paper)
Ah, yes. Say to the Prefect I'll be on hand at the appointed
time. Now, run along, little boy!
(TOM TOM EXITS L.C.)
Max, the bill for the toys we shipped today.
Max
(Handing bill)
The consignment is ready, sir!
Toymaker
Put the goods on board at once! The captain sends word he
sails immediately.
(MAX and Workman exit R. and L.C.)
(Toymaker left on stage. Bus. Places paper on the
mantel-piece and goes back to the table, watches the
last character off R. Hurriedly closes door, returns to
table, pours contents from phial into large flask
with left hand; leaving right hand free to work
switch after exhibition of sparks.)
Toymaker
The secret I have sought for years still mocks me.
A thousand times have I sought to find the element that
makes the charm complete. Within this crystal glass,
there dwells a score of demon spirits drawn by spells and
incantations. There, there, is the charm that will
give me dominion over the souls of evil! That I may bid
them enter the toys and mannikins.
(Works flask again, JILL enters right during his motion)
Jill
(Aside)
This has nothing to do with toy making I'm sure! I must
find out the secret!
(Conceals herself, in cabinet up R.)
(A KNOCK L.C. Toymaker without turning)
Toymaker
Come in!
(GRUMIO ENTERS L.C. FOLLOWED BY TWO MEN. One carries wine
cask, the other a table with cheese, cookies, etc.)
Grumio
Here's a cask of wine sent you by an old gentleman named
Barnaby!
Toymaker
(Rising, going right)
Put it down, I'm in no mood for it right now!
(EXITS R.)
(MEN places articles and exeunt)
Grumio
I can never do anything right!
(Takes cookie)
I'm bewitched like the place. They say it's haunted!
It does seem horrible, Maybe a little drink will steady my
nerves!
(Taps the wine cask and takes a drink)
This place isn't half bad at that!
(Takes 2nd drink)
No, sir, this place is all right!
(Candle drops)
Ghosts! Spirits! I'd better get some spirits to fight this!
(Other business follows, causing additional fright)
(JILL enters from cabinet)
Am I seeing things?
Jill
I'm not a thing, you remember me, I'm Jill!
Grumio
Oh, yes, two Jills make one pint, two pints make on
drunk, ...
Grumio
Don't talk like that, girls!
Grumio
My mistake, I've had a couple of drinks.
Jill
Two drinks, and I'm girls! If you had 5 drinks I'd be quintuplets!
Grumio
You don't like me, do you?
Jill
In spite of your faults, I think you're the tops!
Grumio
I must be the top, my head is still spinning.
But come, my Princess, it is gay tonight in Vienna - there
is music, wine and waltzing. Will you waltz with me?
Jill
No - but if you'll come out of Vienna - I might dance with
you.
(DANCING SPECIALTY, or THEY Waltz to an exit)
(WORKMEN enter with TOYMAKER)
Toymaker
What's this? Men, clear away the ruin. The scamp has been
at the wine!
(Examines articles on the table, as if they have
been damaged. MEN exit after clearing stage.)
(BARNABY looks in at L.C.)
Barnaby
Here I am according to appointment.
(Coming down)
Have you thought over my offer?
Toymaker
For toys that will maim and injure children?
Barnaby
Something tells me you would put your whole heart into the
work.
Toymaker
(Sneeringly)
Your liberality would call for that much interest.
Barnaby
Your final answer?
Toymaker
(Taking him Center)
What would you say to a doll with the spirit of a fiend
controlling it? Would it not be a dainty gift for a child
one dislikes?
Barnaby
A doll with the soul of a demon, a master thought!
(He grasps Toymaker's hand)
Toymaker
Come back in the twilight, in the interval I'll experiment again.
(Indicates table left)
Barnaby
I pray for your success.
(EXITS L.C.)
Grumio
(ENTERS feigning exhaustion)
Toymaker
Aha! You scoundrel, you drank my wine, didn't you?
Grumio
No, sir, I was just testing it for you! The captain of
the ship wants to see you on board at once!
Toymaker
(Impatiently)
What about?
Grumio
It's something about the cargo you're sending.
Toymaker
Very well! And when I return call my attention to the fact
that you are to be discharged.
(EXITS.)
Grumio
Yes, sir.
(Going quickly to door R.)
Bring the wrappings, Jill! You men bring these crates!
.....Alan and Jane will travel in style!...
(Men bring in 2
packing boxes, exeunt)
(ALAN & JANE ENTER L.C.)
Alan
How about us? How are you going to get us out of the country,
your ship sails in an hour.
Grumio
You go as freight.
Grumio
You'll be taken on board the ship, that's bound for your
country in those.
(Indicting crates)
Alan
Be sure we're marked fragile, this side up!
Jane
And I hope I'm sent F.O.B. Free of bumps!
Alan
Jane, take care of yourself!
Jane
(Steps into open crate)
(MARY enters just before Grumio can get down into crate)
Mary
Grumio, I want you to run out and match this sample.
Mary
(Giving Grumio bit of ribbon)
Quickly, please, four yards. Bring it back at once.
Grumio
(Going reluctantly)
That doll's all right.
(Points to Alan)
You needn't bother about him, Mam'selle.
Mary
Hurry! Hurry!
(Grumio exits L.C.)
(Mary looks at Alan, starts violently)
Only a wooden dummy with no sense and yet he reminds me so
much of Alan!
(Turns right)
Alan
(Aside)
In this game I am the dummy!
Mary
(Looking at Alan)
Poor boy, it's very like him. I could almost imagine we were
alone together. If he's meant for an officer, he needs
something to show his rank.
(Goes to work table and gets properties)
Shall I sew them on? No, it would be quicker and safer to
nail them on his chest.
(Looks on table for tacks and hammer)
I might nail on a few yards of fresh gold braid while it's
on my mind.
Alan
(Aside)
Your mind, oh, don't mind me!
Mary
This will do, and this-
(Tries medals on Alan's coat)
Dear, dear, but you are like Alan!
(Angrily)
I wish you were, that's all! To believe that I'd forget you
for such a creature as Barnaby! Will I ever see you again?
Oh Alan where are you now, I wonder!
(Turns away)
Alan
(Aside)
So, you're wondering too!
Mary
Will you ever come back and say "Mary I'm dreadfully sorry
I was all wrong?" And you know what I would do, I would embrace
you, Alan!
(Embracesm him)
Alan
(Slowly embraces her)
(She is surprised and startled)
Mary
Why, what is the matter with this machine? It must be out
of order!
(tries to break away)
Mary
It is you, Alan, after all!
Alan
And now you say something like I'll forgive you Alan.
Alan
And I'll say Mary I was dreadfully sorry, I was all wrong.
Because you knew all the time...
Mary
Yes, I knew all the time that you loved me.
Alan
Oh, Mary!
(Puts arms around her.)
SONG. NUMBER
ALAN & MARY:
(After number)
Mary
But Alan, you in this costume,--what does it mean?
Alan
It means that Grumio is going to ship us home as dolls on a
boat that sails in an hour or two!
Mary
In that case, where is Jane?
Alan
(Pointing to crate)
In that case!
Toymaker
(ENTERS L.C. Alan resumes a toy attitude)
Getting that toy ready for shipment?
Toymaker
Something wrong with his machinery.
(ALAN moves his hand automatically)
I'll attend to that before he goes to Siberia.
(MAN enters with marking pot and brush, used for
marking packing cases)
Mary
(Alarmed)
Oh, he doesn't go to Siberia, he's billed to--to--
Toymaker
(To working man)
Cross out the address on those crates, and write these.
(Handing workman also a slip of paper)
Send that to his Majesty, the Sultan of Beejumbo!
It's going to be a surprise for the Sultan's harem!
Alan
(Aside)
Ah, a harem!
Mary
Pardon me, sir, but aren't you getting them mixed?
(Points to Alan)
Alan
(Aside)
Oh no, he isn't getting them mixed.
Toymaker
So I am. It's the Dutch Doll that goes to the Sultan.
(Points to Jane's crate, and workman paints new
address on it)
Mary
(Touching Alan)
This one is broken.
Toymaker
There's time to fix him. He goes by caravan tomorrow. He's
bound for Kalamazooskie, Eastern Siberia.
Alan
(Aside)
Kalamazooskie sounds like a long way from home.
Toymaker
His uniform needs something.
Alan
(Aside)
If I'm going to Siberia, I need an overcoat.
Mary
But he can't be fixed inside of a week, and the Dutch Doll
isn't all right, either.
(Points to Jane's crate)
Toymaker
What's the matter with her?
Mary
She needs a new face.
Alan
(Aside)
I'm glad Jane can't hear that.
Mary
You can't send those wax faces to hot countries.
They melt. She ought to have a wooden head like this.
(Raps Alan's head)
(Bus. Alan)
Toymaker
Oh I'll take the risk of sending that doll to Beejumbo.
(Two workingmen enter.)
(To men)
Put that box on the ship that sails for the far East.
(MEN carry Jane's crate off)
(Pantomines business by ALAN)
And as for that doll,
(Indicating Alan)
Within the hour, Max shall have his works spread upon the table!
(EXITS L.)
Alan
He's not going to give me the works!
Mary
Here's a dreadful fix, how is Jane going to get out of it?
(CRASH OFF STAGE L.C.)
What's that?
Alan
That's Jane always crashing in some place where she's not wanted.
Mary
We must help her. I'll run and see what I can do!
(EXITS L.C.)
Alan
I'll find Grumio. Where are you Grumio, Grumio, Grumio?
(Door L.3. opens, ALAN assumes toy pose, TOYMAKER enters
L.3., goes to table, turns and looks towards flask)
Toymaker
Now once more to seek the missing element! It will give me
dominion over the souls of evil!
(Works switch, the glow appears)
The light! The light! Can it be at last success!!
(Turns to flash again and cries in ecstasy)
I triumph! I triumph!!
(Smokes appears.)
The spirits of evil I bid you enter the forms I have fashioned
in human shape!
(TOY figures move on stage)
It is true at last I have found the spell at last. They
turn to me, their master! Fiends, all the fiends!
(Turns to Alan)
Speak, speak, you live!
Alan
Undo your work, before it is too late!
Toymaker
There is gratitude, I give you human form, I take you from the
gloom, and you reproach me!
Alan
Take care, these things have only murder in their hearts.
(The dolls take threatening attitudes)
Toymaker
I do not fear them.
Alan
Look there!
(Pointing to doll who approaches Toymaker with knife)
Toymaker
(Turning quickly)
Ah!
(Doll retreats. A murmur of defiance from the others. He
shows terror)
Obey, or else I'll send your souls back to the abyss
from which I brought them.
Alan
You've lost. You gave them life to hate and slay and kill.
And you will be their first victim!
Alan
Your commands are vain!
(Dolls advance to attack Toymaker.)
FINALE:
(NOTE: POSSIBLE DANCE MACABRE USED HERE.)
(The dolls kill the Toymaker and escape)
(Alan left
with the Toymaker, tries to revive him)
(Barnaby enters, and accuses Alan of killing Toymaker)
(He summons Reoderigo and Gonzorgo.)
(THEY carry
the Toymaker off at signal from Barnaby. Left
alone, Barnaby shows his delight at his success of schemes
against Alan. The dolls appear armed with clubs, broomsticks
etc. and they fall upon Barnaby, and gives him
a sound beating, he howls for mercy, (see score) - on
the curtain falls)
END OF ACT II.
BABES IN TOYLAND
ACT III
------
ACT III
SCENE: Court yard of the palace of Justice.
Opening March.
Tom Tom, Piper children, lady and
male advocates. Populace on stage
at opening. March of Court officials.
Tom Tom
(On steps R)
Hear ye! Hear ye! If one Master Alan be among ye, he is
for the last time summoned to appear before the Court Royal
to say why he shall not be condemned to die!
Bo-Peep
What has Master Alan done?
Tom
He is said to have slain the Master Toymaker. After his
arrest he escaped.
Boy Blue
Was he alone guilty?
Tom
Many believe the Toymaker was killed by a band of strange beings
who were seen rushing from the shop. The police can find no
trace of them.
(Chorus exits to repeat of March. TOM TOM joins children)
Bo Peep
Oh, Tom Tom, how did Alan get himself in such a scrape?
Tom
I don't know. But it's very serious.
Riding Hood
Can we do anything to help him?
Tom
Help him in his flight, if you meet him.
(ENTER JANE)
Tom
Jane! where in the world have you been?
(THEY embrace)
Jane
All over looking for you.
Tom
And I've been doing the same! What a lucky day!
Jane
For us, but not for Alan.
Tom
Poor fellow, he is in trouble. Any news of him?
Jane
None. Contrary Mary is with him and they're trying to get
out of Toyland together!
Tom
Without passports that will be hard to do.
Jane
Who accuses him of the Toymaker's death?
Tom
Only your uncle Barnaby!
Jane
The wicked old man! He's taken our money, now he wants our
lives!
Tom
The Toymaker was the King's favorite subject. He has ordered
the Court Royal to convict him without a hearing. But I
must go. The Court is in session!
Jane
I will await you at the courthouse. You won't be long?
Tom
I'll count the minutes til I'm with you. I'm so glad I
have you again.
(Jane throws a kiss to him and exits.)
SONG NO.
Tom.
"MY CASTLE IN SPAIN"
(Tom Tom exits end of song)
(After song ALAN, GRUMIO, JILL and MARY enter up R.
ALAN is in comedy disguise, whiskers etc)
Alan
So far all right, nobody recognizes my disguise.
Mary
You can't blame them.
Jill
You don't look a bit like the police description.
Mary
Now for the last obstacle, the passports.
Grumio
There's the office, but the passport clerk is busy. You'll
have to wait a few minutes.
Alan
Remember both of you, if anybody questions you about us,
you're to be dumb!
Jill
We'll just be our own natural selves.
(Joins Grumio, they exeunt left)
(UNCLE BARNABY ENTERS unseen at back left, recognizes
Mary and Alan)
Mary
If we get safely out of Toyland, where shall we go?
(Barnaby exits R. at back)
Alan
To our home first. Then we'll get married and go abroad.
Alan
To a far away country that Jane and I visited after our
shipwreck.
Mary
Is the country you're talking about a nice one for -- for young
married people?
Alan
When young people marry they go to a place that's usually
called Maple Heights. Because it's surrounded by willow trees.
Mary
Willow trees? We could plant a bed of onions right next
to them and have weeping willows.
Alan
It's called the heights because it's on a prairie.
Mary
I know the place, the renting agents says it's five minutes
from the station... that is if you travel by aeroplace.
Alan
Then a kind business man builds them a semi-colonial cottage
on weekly payments. And after you've been married forty years
then the Bond and Mortgage company takes it over.
Mary
And I suppose they fall in love just as we do, and they
exchange all sorts of beautiful vows.
Alan
It's quite the same as here and everywhere else.
SONG:
"BEFORE AND AFTER":
(Dialogue after 1st verse)
Alan
So you're keeping a budget? All I brought in the last year
was one necktie. You have ordered 14 dresses, four pairs
of shoes, one squirrel coat, without consulting ne.
Mary
Well, I have to wear them don't I?
Alan
Yes but I have to pay for them, don't I?
Mary
No, you don't. I haven't asked you for a single cent for a
whole year. I have had everything charged.
(Dialogue after 2nd verse)
Mary
How many times have I asked you not to read the newspaper at
the breakfast table!?
Alan
What else is there around here interesting?
Mary
You never dared speak to me like that before we were married.
Alan
Well, before we were married you never came down to breakfast
looking the way you do!
Mary
Mother always said you were a brute. Oh, why did I ever marry
you?
Alan
So you're beginning to wonder too?
(Dialogue after 3rd verse.)
(Lights down. Then Alan and girl discovered at right of
stage)
Girl
So your wife is always quarrelling with you?
Alan
Yes, every time I go out, she accuses me playing cards with
my friends.
Girl
It was nice of you to take your secretary out, have a few
cocktails and then go dancing...but how will you explain it to
your wife?
Alan
There's only one way out of it - and that is to tell her the
truth! Goodnight!
(LIGHTS OUT. Then Alan discovered at left with his wife)
Mary
And where have you been?
Alan
My dear I'm going to tell you the truth. I wanted a little
relaxation, so I took my secretary out and we had some cocktails,
and then we went to a night club.
Mary
Don't you try to fool me. You've been playing cards again!
(Slaps his face)
(ALAN & MARY EXEUNT after song)
(BARNABY ENTERS.)
(He reads from paper)
Barnaby
So Alan objects to being tried by a court of nine judges?
And he petitions to ask for an appointment of fifteen. He
doesn't realize it's unconstitutional.
(MARY ENTERS)
Mary
(Seeing Barnaby)
Oh, it's you, is it?
Barnaby
(Sneeringly)
It's a fine morning for a wedding, Mistress Mary.
Barnaby
Ours. I'll be short and sweet with you, Mistress Mary!
There's a marriage bureau next to the court-room--
(Points off)
and we'll be married there at once, or...
Barnaby
I'll hand Alan over!
(Pointing L.)
He's in there. I know his disguise. In a moment the Court
Royal will condemn him for killing the Toymaker.
Mary
You wouldn't betray him?
Barnaby
(Snivelling)
It's my duty! He has disgraced the family. He's an assassin!
But for your sweet sake I'll let him escape.
(Mary tries to break away)
No, you won't warn him.
(GONZORGO and RODERIGO dressed as executioners, with
brazier, ropes, pincers, enter from court-room with
large legal document)
What you have there?
Gonzorgo
A warrant to execute Alan, your scamp of a nephew!
Barnaby
(To Mary)
You shall decide. Will you take his life, or my name?
Mary
Let me see that warrant!
(Reading)
Rack--hot irons--pincers for my Alan!
(Throws warrant aside)
Is it is to save Alan, I'll agree. Take me to the marriage
bureau!
(Seizes Barnaby and rushes him off stage)
(ENTER JANE R. PIPER AND CHILDREN ON R. & L.)
Miss Jane
(Seeing Gon. and Rod)
Why, when did you two start out as plumbers?
Gon.
We're not plumbers, we're executioners. We know nothing about
the business, it was influence and this is a political appointment.
Jane
You look like you belong to the Black legion!
Rod
We're amateurs at this rope business, but we'll soon get the
hang of it!
(Exit Roderigo)
Jane
Has the court sent for you?
Gon.
It has. We shall shortly fill our first order.
NOTE: (If you do not wish to do the song "We Won't
Be Happy till he gets it". And you have no
number to replace this, here is the lyrics
of a song which could be set to music, and
beginning with 3-8 dialogue would run:)
Jane
It will be Alan. But you will be cursed if you do anything
to hurt him.
Gonzorgo
Cursed? Lady, we've been cursed by hard luck all our lives.
Jane
You don't know what hard luck is. I think one of my
ancestors must have been Calamity Jane!
SONG:
Gonzorgo, Roderigo, and Jane
"MEET ME ON THE HARD LUCK MOON".
Gonzorgo
Oh, ever since I was a kid no matter what I said or did,
You'd always find me in an awful boat,
Roderigo
And every photograph of me off in the background you would see
Somebody always leading off my goat.
Gonzorgo
I'm great big mister easy mark, and life for me has been no lark
I'm quite unhappy, sad as I can be.
Jane
Good luck for me has been real slow, and I have had my share of woe,
Just like an undertaker's jubilee.
Chorus:
Meet me under the hard luck moon,
Down by the lemon tree.
Where the blackbirds keep on singing,
Hoodoo songs off key.
Where skies are blue,
And breezes sigh,
In such a mournful tune,
We'll have a grand old kill-joy time,
Under the hard luck moon.
(All three dance with ENSEMBLE.)
Jane
It will be Alan. Boys and girls, this coward will kill Alan.
Don't let him.
(Pipers threaten Gonzorgo)
Simon
We won't. We will never let you live to do this.
Gonzorgo
Young man, don't you dare lay hands on an officer of the law!
Jane
Prepare a chair for him.
(Gonzorgo is placed on high chair)
We are going to make it warm for you.
Song: NUMBER:
"HE WON'T BE HAPPY TILL HE GETS IT."
(With possible Specialty of Gon, Rod.
and Jane.)
(Jane and Pipers with Chorus. All exit at the end of Number)
(Enter Barnaby followed by Mary)
Barnaby
Now, Mrs. Barnaby, we'll hear your sweetheart's sentence.
Mary
I've just heard mine.
(ENTER ALAN with crowd. Enter TOM TOM on stage of house)
Tom
(Reading from document)
Hear ye! Hear ye! The Court Royal herewith finds the outlaw,
Alan, guilty of the Master Toymaker's death and orders that he
be executed in the manner prescribed by law, when found....
Barnaby
I'll do my duty as a good citizen and a relative as well.
There is the criminal!
(Tears whiskers from Alan's face. A general start and
exclamation)
Alan
Who is this villain?
Barnaby
Your unhappy uncle! Take him, he has disgraced me enough.
Now, let the sentence be carried out.
Alan
Yes, wait!
(To Barnaby)
You give me back my whiskers!
(Tries to seize them)
Tom
(Reads)
I have not finished. He shall be executed in the manner prescribed
by the law when found--unless he takes advantage of the
law which gives every condemned man the right to plead the
benefit of widow."
Mary and Alan
The benefit of widow?
Tom
An ancient law of Toyland, meant to assist deserving class of
subjects.
Alan
What is the benefit of widow?
Tom
Any widow, may claim a condemned man for her second husband,
and he shall be free as long as he supports said widow and
saves her from becoming a charge upon the state.
Alan
And may the victim choose the widow?
Tom
Some have preferred the gallows. Do you claim the benefit?
Alan
(Moves toward Mary)
No, I'll die rather than marry anybody but Contrary Mary.
Barnaby
(Grinning)
If you mean Mrs. Barnaby, you're a little bit late.
Alan
(Astonished)
You? Mrs. Barnaby?
Mary
Alan, he recognized you, but he swore to let you escape if I
married him at once!
Alan
I'll plead that benefit. Bring on your widows. I'll marry and
live!
Tom
Let the court heralds summon the widows of our city.
Mary
(To Alan)
Courage, somebody will surely choose you.
Alan
It's so undignified. I feel like a prize at a grab bag party.
Tom
Don't despair, old man, some widow will surely find you
worth taking.
Mary
(Indignantly)
You needn't speak of him as though he were a marked down
remnant.
Alan
To think that we're parted forever!
Mary
Not forever.
(Looking at Barnaby)
The joyful day may soon arrive when they'll expect me to
wear crape for that!
Alan
A joyful day indeed! I'll ride with you in the first carriage,
and on the way to the cemetary I'll propose to you!
Barnaby
Then here's where I give up smoking and go in for physical
culture. As soon as I've engaged places on the coach, my
dear, we'll depart upon our honeymoon.
(EXITS L. chuckling)
Remember, the sentence will be carried out if a widow does
not choose you in fifteen minutes.
Alan
Don't worry. I'm liable to be killed in the rush!
(EXIT CHORUS)
Tom
I'll hurry them along.
(EXITS UP R)
Alan
All right. Tell the widows I'm the latest thing in imported
husbands!
Mary
Alan, will you do me a teeny-weeny favor? As you've got to
marry in order to live, I wish you'd marry to please me.
Alan
How can I marry somebody else to please you?
Mary
Don't marry anybody who'll make you forget me.
SONG. NO.
(If required)
(If used or not used then continue)
Mary
But remember, if a dashing widow should claim you,
don't accept.
Mary
But if one with a bad temper, and a squeaky voice should claim
you, it would make me feel very restful.
Alan
How about me, I need a little rest myself.
Mary
Every time you looked at her, I know you'd think of me!
(TOM TOM ENTERS RIGHT)
Tom
The merry widows are here, although they are not all so merry.
Tom
They're a group of dreams.
Mary
I'll leave you. Remember, nothing attractive, nothing that will
take me from your thoughts! For one second.
(EXITS L)
(To a strain of MUSIC the WIDOWS ENTER.)
Tom
Here they are, my boy! Now turn on your best personality.
Alan
If they're going to propose to me, I won't know what to say,
except this is all so sudden.
Tom
Don't hesitate, girls. The one who speaks first gets him.
(Xes into Courthouse.)
Alan
Well, ladies, the auction bargain sale is going to begin. Here
I am, the answer to any widow's prayer. Will anyone start off
the bidding.
(Turns to first.)
How about you, lady?
1st Widow Woman
Do you think that all marriages are happy?
Alan
All marriages are happy, it's the living together after
marriage that causes all the trouble.
1st Widow
Before we were married, my husband said he would die for me.
And after marriage he was kind enough to do it!
Alan
Ah! Lady Dracula speaking! I hope I don't get an offer from
you.
2nd Widow
My next husband must be strong, silent, full of grit,
-- able to bear the burden of the day! He will not hear a
word said about me, and he will utter no unkind word.
Alan
What you want is a deaf and dumb coal heaver!
3d Widow
When I was married I didn't do as well as I expected.
And to tell you the truth I don't think he did either.
I've been married twice, but I think every widow's entitled
to her third.
Alan
I think you're frank anyway, and you seem to have an even temper.
3d Widow
Yes, my temper's even, always the same --very nasty!
Alan
I believe you're deliberately falsifying it. How did your last
husband happen to die?--
3rd Widow
Oh, I suppose he thought it was the best way out!
Alan
I hope you don't claim me.
(Turns to 4th)
How about you, lady?
4th Widow
The first month I was married, we lived in a bungalow, called
"Ye Lovey Dovey Cot"
Alan
I suppose you changed that afterward to "Ye Battling Arena".
5th Widow
My husband was a dentist with a sense of humor. But he
pulled too many good ones.
Alan
He must have been very easily tickled.
5th Widow
Yes, he was so ticklish, he couldn't touch his ribs - he had
to have them dry-cleaned. But he left me a large fortune.
Alan
Step into my office, I want to talk to you.
(Takes her aside.)
(Converses pantomine)
(Widows surround Alan, and he walks to steps, they follow
him)
I'll take all your offers into consideration.
And you may hear from me later. -- But I doubt it.
(EXITS into court house)
1st Widow
The trouble with you merry widows is, you make love in
slow waltz time. You'd better all pop up and start to
swing.
DANCE NUMBER
BY MERRY WIDOWS.
(THE MERRY WIDOW WALTZ played in swing-time)
(This was done by Abe Lyman and Paul Whiteman and is
very effective)
(They dance to an exit)
(TOM TOM ENTERS followed by Alan from court house)
Tom
Gone! Alan, the widows have gone without claiming you!
Alan
Guess I didn't appear to be as advertised.
(Gonzorgo and Roderigo enter up L)
Gon.
(With pincers)
Shall we proceed?
Tom
Wait till I return. There's one more chance!
(EXIT up R)
Gonzorgo
(To Roderigo)
(Aside)
I wonder if he'll help us.
Gonzorgo
(To Alan)
We're in a very embarrassing position.
Roderigo
And you only can save us from becoming perfectly ridiculous.
When we start to execute you, everybody is liable to laugh
at us.
Gonzorgo
If they find we're not regular executioners, we'll lose the
job.
Gonzorgo
Since you've got to leave this cold, hard world, will you
allow us to send you our way?
(Touching warrant)
It'll be so much pleasanter than this.
Roderigo
Wise boy. Now what would you like in the way of a farewell
luncheon. It'll be your very last. Have anything you like.
Alan
I'd like a dish of strawberries.
Rod.
But strawberries won't be in season for 6 months!
Alan
That's all right, I'll wait.
Rod.
No, now is your time. But I can give you a glass of strawberry
wine.
Gon.
With a dash of this in it.
(Shows black phial)
Alan
(Taking phial)
Why, it's poison!
Rod.
Four drops of that in your wine...
Gon.
Just before you start for the scafford...
Rod.
And you'll go into a dreadless sleep.
Alan
Go ahead! I haven't anything to lose. Except my life.
(JUDGES, Attendants, widows chorus enter. Jane also)
Jane
Alan, are you living yet?
Alan
Yes, but in a few minutes, I will be not yet.
(TOM TOM ENTERS UP R. with WIDOW PIPER)
Tom
Stop! Here's another widow! Mother, make Alan our step-father
and save his life!
Piper Children
Go ahead ma!
Widow Piper
I can't. It's too late. I'm married.
Tom
Married? You said you'd never marry anybody but a hare!
(ENTER MARMADUKE. HE GOES TO WIDOW)
Mary
And what made him a hare?
Widow
He dined at a night club, and he dared to go
without tipping the waiter.
(BARNABY enters)
Barnaby
Now, Mary my dear--what's this?
Alan
The end of your nephew.
Barnaby
Too bad, too bad. I'm very sorry.
(ALL turn away from him)
It was my duty. I had to do it. I really had to...Such
treatment is hard to bear...
(His eyes fall on the tray with the wine glass)
Without help. At such a time as this I need encouragement.
(Taking glass, drains it)
Oh! Oh!
(ALL turn. HE falls into the arms of Gonzrgo and Roderigo...
who carry him off stage)
Alan
He has drunk the wine that was intended for me.
(TOM TOM ENTERS)
Tom
Mrs. Barnaby you're a widow!
Tom
Excessive grief has taken Uncle Barnaby from us.
Mary
Then Alan is saved! I am a widow, and under your laws I claim
him as my husband!
FINALE.
END OF PLAY.